They are getting married?

[Raena]

There's a lot of truth to this where I live as well.

 

One thing that I did learn, however, is that A LOT depends on the judge for your case. Some lean towards 50/50 custody in every case, some don't believe in 50/50 custody at all, and some of them just shoot from the hip in making their own quick gut decision about who is the innocent in the situation (and take measures to protect them). As far as I can tell, this is the ONE real purpose that your attorney can serve. The judge for your case is typically established right when you file and you keep that judge throughout. If you know the tendencies of your judge from previous family law cases, that can really help to decide how much you want to keep fighting.

 

I don't think 50/50 is an option in our situation. He moved out of the school district and works nights and weekends. I did look at that and read several articles that say that most states are pushing for this more often. I just don't see how it could be possible to make that happen in this case.

[Raena]

File.

 

Get it legal and documented.

 

It always amazes me when a 'father' chooses his new g/f over his child (and I will also say it boogles my mind when a 'mother' does the same thing).

 

He shouldn't be shocked that you are filing -- it is a natural event once parents split. If he is blindsided, then he is stupidier than I thought.

 

I would find out if you can have it added to the custody papers that the child is not to spend the night with his father and his g/f if they aren't married. Many courts grant this request. it is improper for a child to be privy to 'sleep overs' of adults. Courts still have conservative values (thank goodness) and have been known to grant petitions that include the no-overnights clause. He can do whatever he wants with the g/f; as long as the child isn't stuck in the middle of it.

 

Quite frankly, I'd go for sole custody. Why not? Before people get all wound up; check out the legalities of sole custody:

 

 

and

 

 

 

I know of several women who have sole custody and I know of 2 fathers who have it. it isn't that rare (all of these instances are in my county).

 

If you can show the court that the father has neglected the child (as in no contact, no visitation, etc), you have a good chance of sole custody. Be able to prove to the court that co-parenting with your ex has proven to be a nightmare and he (the ex) refuses to work with you regarding decisions for your son (medical, schooling, etc). I can never understand how a judge can award "joint custody" to two people who have shown they cannot get along and cannot work together regarding their child.

 

DO NOT respond to the crazy woman anymore. Do not respond to her to tell her to not contact you. Do not respond to tell her to suck eggs. Do not respond to her, period. She is not a legal part of your son's life...she is daddy's flavor of the moment. She has no legal custody of your son.

 

With that in mind, remember that while your son is with your ex, you do not get to decide what happens there (such as who watches him, what he is fed, etc). You have to just suck that up and ensure your son knows he is loved and cared for. If you can, prove that the g/f is calling him names and harming him with words. Document these instances. Don't tell your ex what evidence you have. Just collect it and you will know when the time is right to use it (in court).

 

Most importantly, MAKE SURE YOUR EX IS PAYING C/S!! That is a top priority. Child support and visitation are two separate things - do not mix them together. He is legally bound to pay child support. Get that taken care of. Make that the priority over visitation/custody.

 

Good luck. Continue moving forward and put your ex and his g/f and their drama behind you. Do not get yourself mixed up in a pissing contest with them. Focus on your son.

 

He's already paying me child support, that's something he chose to do and it's documented. (He pays me via paypal). I do need to get it in writing though.

 

I think I do get some say in what goes on when he's there... but it's limited. I can ask for "first babysitter" rights which means that he isn't to leave our son alone with his gf while he goes to work like I noted in another post, he'd have to send him home to me instead. That's about all I can ask for. I might look into asking about him not having the gf there overnight but she lives with him so not sure how I could ask for that.

[jnel921]

Raena,

 

We can't force our children's fathers to be responsible. First of all he had an A and destroyed your family. He only cares about himself.

 

Let him be the father he needs to be on his own. If he is not...trust me your son will know and feel that as he gets older.

 

My kids know exactly who their dad is and what he is capable of. They have seen his selfish a$$ in action. its a shame. When they are done with college and are in great careers, it will not be because he did anything for them. it was always me. I gave up a long time ago explaining to him what a father should be. The problem is that he was not a stand up man from the get go.

 

No one can help or change someone like that.

 

For now...stop worrying about what he is doing and with whom. He clearly does not worry about you or his son.

 

You may find someone else like I did who will love your son and do the right thing. I hope you do and I hope you open yourself up to that someday soon.

 

 

Good Luck.

[Raena]

Unfortunately, I have too much experience in the same situation as you are in.

 

I tried to do the same thing as you from a legal perspective - when my (physically and emotionally) abusive husband thought it was okay to have his girlfriend (who he cheated on me with, and who - it turns out - was also married and had yet another OM plus my ex-husband)... I tried to legally make it so that this woman had no access to my kids. At this time we had already been divorced with joint physical and legal custody of our kids.

 

There is legally NOTHING you can do to control what happens when the kids are at their dad's... unless you can PROVE abuse. Even my being able to prove spousal physical and mental abuse did not prove abuse to the kids. I had no ability to control the fact that my ex-husband chose to keep this skanky double-cheating woman around. It didn't matter that I could prove that he cheated with her before our divorce.

 

It is depressing as hell.

 

Hope, I've heard some HORROR stories of what it's like to deal with this situation. I think it's why I've hesitated to take this to the court system. It doesn't seem like the courts really do much of anything to help ensure that both parents are doing what they should be doing. In the end, it's he and I that have to make that happen and I don't see that working out too well right now.

 

It IS depressing as hell!

 

A girl I work with is going through similar stuff with her ex and it blows my mind that she's forced to send her kids to their father's house with all the crap she tells me goes on there. My story is very mild by comparison.

[Raena]

Raena,

 

We can't force our children's fathers to be responsible. First of all he had an A and destroyed your family. He only cares about himself.

 

Let him be the father he needs to be on his own. If he is not...trust me your son will know and feel that as he gets older.

 

My kids know exactly who their dad is and what he is capable of. They have seen his selfish a$$ in action. its a shame. When they are done with college and are in great careers, it will not be because he did anything for them. it was always me. I gave up a long time ago explaining to him what a father should be. The problem is that he was not a stand up man from the get go.

 

No one can help or change someone like that.

 

For now...stop worrying about what he is doing and with whom. He clearly does not worry about you or his son.

 

You may find someone else like I did who will love your son and do the right thing. I hope you do and I hope you open yourself up to that someday soon.

 

 

Good Luck.

 

Thank you for the words of wisdom. You are right. I can't force him to do the right thing. At this point it seems like no matter what I do, I'm wrong in his eyes. I'm really tired of it all already and I've got another 11 years or so to deal with him.

 

It sickens me that he chooses to ditch his kids in this manner. It's downright pathetic and I just don't understand it. My son is my world, I'd do anything for him and I can't imagine EVER walking away and not talking to him for weeks at a time like his father is doing. I'll never understand anything he has chosen and is still choosing to do.

[BetrayedH]

I don't think 50/50 is an option in our situation. He moved out of the school district and works nights and weekends. I did look at that and read several articles that say that most states are pushing for this more often. I just don't see how it could be possible to make that happen in this case.

 

Forgive the long post.

 

From what I've seen, judges are generally averse to changing a scenario that's working for the children. Once my wife and I separated, I quickly established residence in the school district and demanded 50/50 custody and provided a schedule that I knew would work for our work schedules. Of course, I also had beds and such (thanks to Ikea). I had the kids Th/Fr/Sa and she had them Sun/Mon/Tue; we alternated Wednesdays. I established a precedent for a system that worked for the children. It took nearly 10 months for us to get into mediation. By that time, any judge would have been loathe to change it and so my wife was basically forced to settle on 50/50. She could have gone to court, of course, but she would have spent thousands more and probably would have lost (and likely would have had to pay alimony) but it still took 6 very expensive hours to get her to agree to 50/50 and then we worked on the other stuff (another 4 hours). In the marital settlement agreement, we agreed neither of us would move more than 30 miles from the marital home. One compromise I made (which I now regret) is that I allowed her residence to establish the school district for the children. I later agreed to allow her a variance to 35 miles and then I moved as well (about 30 minutes away). So, she now has them half the week and I have the other half but she lives right next to the school and I have to drive a half hour (twice a day) to get the kids to/from school a few days a week. It's inconvenient for me but it works.

 

Anyway, not sure I have any words of wisdom but I wanted to share an example of how 50/50 can work. Your H has obviously not established the same precedent as I did. But I thought it might be educational. I think if you continue to have a system that works for the kids and doesn't include your H having custody, then he's going to be hard-pressed to prove that a better system is logistically possible and worth making a change.

 

But again, it depends on the judge for your case. If he's biased in favor of 50/50 (which is very possible), you might face an uphill battle. That's why I think your attorney needs to advise you about this judge's history. Honestly, my attorney served little other purpose than providing me with that little factoid. Otherwise, I was smarter than him.

 

One other thing I did learn is that few cases actually end up in court, in front of a judge. I never once got to tell my story to a judge and my story was damn near as juicy as yours. Very frustrating. The reality is that 80%+ end up being settled, which means coming to an agreement with your crazy ex. Fun stuff.

Edited May 25, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Raena]

Forgive the long post.

 

From what I've seen, judges are generally averse to changing a scenario that's working for the children. Once my wife and I separated, I quickly established residence in the school district and demanded 50/50 custody and provided a schedule that I knew would work for our work schedules. Of course, I also had beds and such (thanks to Ikea). I had the kids Th/Fr/Sa and she had them Sun/Mon/Tue; we alternated Wednesdays. I established a precedent for a system that worked for the children. It took nearly 10 months for us to get into mediation. By that time, any judge would have been loathe to change it and so my wife was basically forced to settle on 50/50. She could have gone to court, of course, but she would have spent thousands more and probably would have lost (and likely would have had to pay alimony) but it still took 6 very expensive hours to get her to agree to 50/50 and then we worked on the other stuff (another 4 hours). In the marital settlement agreement, we agreed neither of us would move more than 30 miles from the marital home. One compromise I made (which I now regret) is that I allowed her residence to establish the school district for the children. I later agreed to allow her a variance to 35 miles and then I moved as well (about 30 minutes away). So, she now has them half the week and I have the other half but she lives right next to the school and I have to drive a half hour (twice a day) to get the kids to/from school a few days a week. It's inconvenient for me but it works.

 

Anyway, not sure I have any words of wisdom but I wanted to share an example of how 50/50 can work. Your H has obviously not established the same precedent as I did. But I thought it might be educational. I think if you continue to have a system that works for the kids and doesn't include your H having custody, then he's going to be hard-pressed to prove that a better system is logistically possible and worth making a change.

 

But again, it depends on the judge for your case. If he's biased in favor of 50/50 (which is very possible), you might face an uphill battle. That's why I think your attorney needs to advise you about this judge's history. Honestly, my attorney served little other purpose than providing me with that little factoid. Otherwise, I was smarter than him.

 

One other thing I did learn is that few cases actually end up in court, in front of a judge. I never once got to tell my story to a judge and my story was damn near as juicy as yours. Very frustrating. The reality is that 80%+ end up being settled, which means coming to an agreement with your crazy ex. Fun stuff.

 

I don't even have an attorney. I can't afford one. I make too much money to qualify for help but yet I can't afford one either because all my money is tied up in paying the bills on this house he left me with. It's a rental and I've been looking for something cheaper but I just haven't found the right fit for me. It's not that easy in this area to find a place.

 

I'm hoping I don't really need one. Quite a few people have told me that it's pretty straightforward and a waste of money in my case to hire one. I suppose if I were fighting for sole custody then I'd really need one to help me but I'm not at this point. If it goes the way it's been going, then I'd probably end up with joint custody and every other weekend visitation for him plus whatever else is decided upon about summer vacation and other holidays.

 

I tell you, it would really upset me if he ends of getting him for the summer. Part of the reason why I chose my profession is because I get the summers off to spend with my child. I chose this long before I became a mother with the idea that one day I would have children and want to spend the summers with them. It would kill me if I had to give him up for the entire summer. That's what he did with his other son who is now 18. Not every summer, but quite a few he came to us for the whole break and my ex chose to work all the time leaving me to take care of his other son as well. He'll want to do this again I'm sure with his newest victim taking care of my boy while I sit here crying my eyes out missing him.

 

I don't know what's going to happen. My stomach is in knots thinking about all of it. I can't help but worry about what's going to happen.

[BetrayedH]

I don't even have an attorney. I can't afford one. I make too much money to qualify for help but yet I can't afford one either because all my money is tied up in paying the bills on this house he left me with. It's a rental and I've been looking for something cheaper but I just haven't found the right fit for me. It's not that easy in this area to find a place.

 

I'm hoping I don't really need one. Quite a few people have told me that it's pretty straightforward and a waste of money in my case to hire one. I suppose if I were fighting for sole custody then I'd really need one to help me but I'm not at this point. If it goes the way it's been going, then I'd probably end up with joint custody and every other weekend visitation for him plus whatever else is decided upon about summer vacation and other holidays.

 

I tell you, it would really upset me if he ends of getting him for the summer. Part of the reason why I chose my profession is because I get the summers off to spend with my child. I chose this long before I became a mother with the idea that one day I would have children and want to spend the summers with them. It would kill me if I had to give him up for the entire summer. That's what he did with his other son who is now 18. Not every summer, but quite a few he came to us for the whole break and my ex chose to work all the time leaving me to take care of his other son as well. He'll want to do this again I'm sure with his newest victim taking care of my boy while I sit here crying my eyes out missing him.

 

I don't know what's going to happen. My stomach is in knots thinking about all of it. I can't help but worry about what's going to happen.

 

I hear you. I don't see any reason why he would get custody during the summer (unless you agree to it). I hate to say it but my gut says that the longer you drag this out with a precedent of him not having the kids very often, the better your chances of having more custody in the long run.

 

How have you calculated child support? With you having them 100% of the time, he should be paying a lot.

 

I also wonder if you also shouldn't just keep hitting up attorneys for those free consults. Maybe you can get one to do it "pro bono" (probably a long shot) or accept a payment plan. Or perhaps they can get your H to be responsible for your legal fees (one of my brothers is being hit with that one because he was the breadwinner even though his STBX is a wackjob). That would really put you in the driver's seat.

 

As stupid as your ex has been, I tend to think that you have a lot of leverage even if you don't have a lot of money.

 

Can you at least file for the divorce? That costs about $400 in my state but to some small extent, it puts your ex on the defensive.

[Raena]

I hear you. I don't see any reason why he would get custody during the summer (unless you agree to it). I hate to say it but my gut says that the longer you drag this out with a precedent of him not having the kids very often, the better your chances of having more custody in the long run.

 

How have you calculated child support? With you having them 100% of the time, he should be paying a lot.

 

I also wonder if you also shouldn't just keep hitting up attorneys for those free consults. Maybe you can get one to do it "pro bono" (probably a long shot) or accept a payment plan. Or perhaps they can get your H to be responsible for your legal fees (one of my brothers is being hit with that one because he was the breadwinner even though his STBX is a wackjob). That would really put you in the driver's seat.

 

As stupid as your ex has been, I tend to think that you have a lot of leverage even if you don't have a lot of money.

 

Can you at least file for the divorce? That costs about $400 in my state but to some small extent, it puts your ex on the defensive.

 

We aren't married. I'm not sure I should wait much longer to get an agreement made.

[BetrayedH]

We aren't married. I'm not sure I should wait much longer to get an agreement made.

 

Gosh, sorry. I am, quite obviously, horrible at remembering details.

 

If I understand correctly, you just plain have custody by default since you're the mother and not married. And he would need to petition the court in order to even try to get some custody.

 

So, he's paying child support voluntarily. Normally, I think you would need to establish paternity for him if you want to seek mandatory child support and then custody is a different issue.

 

Sound right?

 

Honestly, it sounds like you're in a great position. The onus is on him if he wants to get any kind of custody beyond what you volunteer. And his track record is horrible.

 

I doubt you should have much worry about him getting the whole summer. If you can establish paternity, it seems that you hold most of the cards (ignoring all of the emotional trauma).

 

I guess at some point, I'm compelled to say that I'm not an attorney. I've just been divorced in Florida.

[Raena]

Gosh, sorry. I am, quite obviously, horrible at remembering details.

 

If I understand correctly, you just plain have custody by default since you're the mother and not married. And he would need to petition the court in order to even try to get some custody.

 

So, he's paying child support voluntarily. Normally, I think you would need to establish paternity for him if you want to seek mandatory child support and then custody is a different issue.

 

Sound right?

 

Honestly, it sounds like you're in a great position. The onus is on him if he wants to get any kind of custody beyond what you volunteer. And his track record is horrible.

 

I doubt you should have much worry about him getting the whole summer. If you can establish paternity, it seems that you hold most of the cards (ignoring all of the emotional trauma).

 

I guess at some point, I'm compelled to say that I'm not an attorney. I've just been divorced in Florida.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me though. It doesn't matter if you aren't an attorney. You've been through something similar and it helps to talk about it and hear other peoples stories.

[jnel921]

Thank you for the words of wisdom. You are right. I can't force him to do the right thing. At this point it seems like no matter what I do, I'm wrong in his eyes. I'm really tired of it all already and I've got another 11 years or so to deal with him.

 

It sickens me that he chooses to ditch his kids in this manner. It's downright pathetic and I just don't understand it. My son is my world, I'd do anything for him and I can't imagine EVER walking away and not talking to him for weeks at a time like his father is doing. I'll never understand anything he has chosen and is still choosing to do.

 

I totally understand. My exH chose that life when I was 4 mos. pregnant with our daughter and our son was only 1. My kids were never raised with both of us in the home. I am thankful for that.

 

I did not spend the past 17 years wondering what his next moves were. Like you my kids are my world, my strength and the greatest love I've ever known. I decided on my own that I would do whatever I had to, to make those kids happy and never have them want for anything.

 

It's unfortunate that there are men out there who have no problem planting the seeds and do not want to watch them grow. Those men are what you call rolling stones.

 

Please know that the longer you focus on him, you are taking away from what may be in front of you. A new and better life for your son and yourself. I understand the hurt and pain of it all. What man does that? Unfortunately it happened to us. 17 years out I can say it gets better. You may feel the way I do. I can't imagine having stayed with someone like that. My life would be a mess today had I accepted his nonsense or worse yet I could be infected or dead from a serious disease.

 

I love my kids and myself way too much to let anyone put me through anything that would cause more hurt than happiness. When you start ignoring it and him, you may see a change and he may want to come back. I hope that you have the strength to say no.

 

Men like that don't change. You owe it to yourself to be with someone who will love you and only you.

[Raena]

I took that one step in the right direction today. I went to the courthouse and filed the paperwork to start custody proceedings. I had to wait until today because my son was sick yesterday and I wasn't taking him with me there.

 

The whole situation is just so upsetting. My nerves are a mess today. I was nervous just walking into the building to hand in papers. Imagine what I'll be like the day we actually have to go to court.

[BetrayedH]

You're doing fine, Raena. Your H has put you through the wringer but here you are taking the initiative to set things right. Keep it up.

[Raena]

I'm posting here because I'm pretty annoyed right now.

 

Just got a text from the ex telling me:

 

"I need two things from you

 

The first is the air conditioner that I bought and I need to use the push mower until I can get one"

 

I'm sorry, but he's been out of the house for 6 months. How many freaking times do I have to keep dealing with him wanting things? A month ago or so it was that he wanted his stuff out of the shed. Fishing poles and the like. We argued about the bike that I bought for him. He wanted it. I ended up telling him he could take it and he told me to keep the lawn mower. Now he wants it back? Why the freak should I do anything to help him out? He hasn't done a damn thing to help ME out. He didn't buy any of the air conditioners either.

 

My worry is... his name is still on the lease for this house. I'm worried that he'll show up here wanting to come in and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. The lease is up in September. At that point I'll either switch it to my name only or move out of here.

 

All of this is just stressing me out so much. I ended up in the hospital 2 days ago with a kidney stone and a kidney infection plus a host of other GI issues. It was AWFUL! I know it's all from the stress of dealing with this breakup. I have to go back into the hospital in a few days to get the stone removed and then again in a couple of weeks to get the stent taken out that they put in. I'm on pain killers and I'm in agony here. I'm a freaking mess and the last thing I need is him bothering me about stupid crap like this. That and his dumb hobo is STILL running her mouth about me on Twitter. (Before I get yelled at for looking at her twitter...I only know because I was talking to my best friend who keeps an eye on it and I asked her. She said yes, the hobo is still running her mouth, don't look because she's writing stuff meant to deliberately hurt you. I don't know specifically what she's saying, I just know she's still at it)

 

UGH!!!!

[No Limit]

Feel free to rant here.

Don't feel provoked by him asking for *****, it's not the same as in you "giving way" to his will. Those things are just minor dealings.

 

I also don't think he'll come for the house. His OW is already nuts and she's not the brave type, hence her behavior on the internet. Having you nearby would make her run amok on him which isn't good for their 'marriage'.

 

Take a deep breath.

[Raena]

Yeah, that's basically what I did... rant here because it just irked me. He has some nerve demanding I give him anything after this amount of time.

 

I did the math and by the time the lease is up here in September, he'll owe me about $1000 for his half of the rent that he isn't paying. He's giving me some money, but not half of the rent. It makes me angry that he just keeps wanting to take and take and take from me.

 

You know those kind of people... the takers. They aren't very good at giving, just taking. He's one of those.

 

He's not going to get a darn thing from me... not even a response to his ridiculous demands.

 

If he can afford to go buy a ring for that hobo, plus pay her airfare to fly up here several times, plus pay for a full arm sleeve tattoo for her, he can certainly afford to go buy himself an air conditioner and cheap lawn mower.

 

Asshat!

[No Limit]

You know those kind of people... the takers. They aren't very good at giving, just taking. He's one of those.

 

OW must be so lucky to have him.

[Raena]

OW must be so lucky to have him.

 

Yep.... they deserve each other.

[familygone]

I have the same feeling,i don't want a stranger around my daughter either but nothing I can do.EX still does her childish behavior act I know what are saying.I know what she did in the past and I am thinking she capable of anything around my 8 year old.And I do think about it every so often,she says she not in harms way you could say.But she lied before.I told my daughter if something bad happened she would let me know.She goes what do you mean about bad I said you will kinda know without going into grown up details.

I

[stillafool]

Get the locks changed so he can't come in, tell him the lawn mower is broken and you're getting it fixed and tell him the a/c is in use. Do yourself a favor and don't ask your friend anything else about this woman and what she is saying on Twitter. Stay as far away from them as possible.