Taking control

[looking4_hope]

I have realized some things about my H.

 

The other day… we were speaking about grabbing the rest of my things from the house. He tells me he'd just avoid me (i think this is childish and it's like he's running away -- y can't he face me!) if i were to return and tells me "don't break my sh*t" This statement annoyed me.

 

I didn't realize why until today. I have been married to my H for 5 years (known each other for a total of 10). He has left me for days to be with his "family" while i stayed home and "waited" till i had to be a wife/mother again to his kids. I could have broken his things a looonnng time ago given i had so much opportunities to do it. But I never did, it never came to mind, and plain and simple -- it's just not me, that's not who i am.Then it hit me. "it's not who i am." I realized that my H has been doing this to me for awhile. (and i think my MIL cheered him on too) He paints me out to be someone i'm not, perhaps to justify his decisions about divorce and actions towards me, maybe he feels guilty and needs to find reasons why divorce is right.

 

I am guilty for allowing this to happen. I am guilty for believing the things he said about me and letting it become me. NO MORE.

 

Any advice on How do i break this cycle?? I'm so sick and tired of it.

[Yarrow]

Mine was doing that to me!

 

Anything he didn't like about himself, he projected onto me and made it my fault. He called me all sorts of things that I wasn't. "You made me do this." "You made me do that." when they were things he did on his own.

 

If he does it again, just think to yourself, "Oh. Well. There you go again."

 

You can't make him stop it, but you can make it so that it doesn't affect you anymore. It only worked before because you weren't aware of it.

[Ronni_W]

It's not so much that we end up believing the things they tell us about ourselves. More that...I don't know...we end up with people who will "reaffirm" what we used to believe about ourselves even before we met them. (Does that make sense?)

 

In any case. Moving forward it is about just being really vigilant and correcting anybody -- at work, at home, while visiting our loved ones -- who says wrong things about us. It isn't easy because we already believe it about ourself so it's often difficult to catch when it happens. (Does that make sense?)

 

Example. People used to tell me that I don't have a sense of humour. But once I realized that I have an excellent sense of humour -- I just don't like cruel humour, nasty teasing, making fun of people -- then that's what I started correcting them with: "No that wasn't humour, that was you being nasty and mean."

 

So you pick one thing about yourself that people are saying wrong, and you fix their wrong impressions. Then you pick another one, and fix that. Take it one at a time and soon you'll know who you really are and have always been...and you'll be helping others to know that, too.

They'll try to argue at first, but don't let them. (Given my example) just say, "No. I have an excellent sense of humour. YOU are the one who thinks being nasty and mean is funny. But it's not. YOU are the one who doesn't know what humour is."

 

I am guilty for believing the things he said about me and letting it become me.

Edited January 18, 2014 by Ronni_W

[looking4_hope]

Mine was doing that to me!

 

Anything he didn't like about himself, he projected onto me and made it my fault. He called me all sorts of things that I wasn't. "You made me do this." "You made me do that." when they were things he did on his own.

 

If he does it again, just think to yourself, "Oh. Well. There you go again."

 

You can't make him stop it, but you can make it so that it doesn't affect you anymore. It only worked before because you weren't aware of it.

 

I am becoming more aware of it, that's for sure. He always tells me "You're in denial" about the divorce, how our marriage was, etc. I know exactly how our marriage was. I was there! Personally, i think he's in denial about the divorce. I don't think i am, i mean i moved out when he told me he didn't want to be with me.. so how am i in denial?? I heard what he said, gave in and walked away. Since I've walked away he: has not filed for divorce (comes up with excuses y he can't file - busy, no money, no time, procrastinating -- but the way he spoke of it he acts like he just wanted to trash it) he hasn't' sent me any of my things and when i ask for certain items to be sent, he won't send it, instead sends the complete opposite of what i've asked him for EVEN if i send him a text/email listing exactly what i want. He's also "dangled" the idea of coming to Visit me during his winter break…but he insists i am in denial. I say, "actions speak louder than words." I feel sometimes he doesn't want a divorce but his pride and ego has dug a hole for himself he can't get out of.

 

I'm trying to find books,info, even advice (thank you for yours btw) so I won't let his negativity get to me when i get back.I want to try and salvage my marriage but i know it won't happen if i keep reenforcing his negative thoughts about me. I'm collecting as much info as a i can before i see him again. Ignoring his words is easier said than done (i'm just starting to learn). I'm taking note of it but sometimes i still feel my confidence collapse and give into his "ideas" of me. I have changed, and i don't want to fall back into his negativity traps and our usual cycle. I got Divorce Remedy Tonight so i hope to finish it before i arrive.

[looking4_hope]

It's not so much that we end up believing the things they tell us about ourselves. More that...I don't know...we end up with people who will "reaffirm" what we used to believe about ourselves even before we met them. (Does that make sense?)

 

In any case. Moving forward it is about just being really vigilant and correcting anybody -- at work, at home, while visiting our loved ones -- who says wrong things about us. It isn't easy because we already believe it about ourself so it's often difficult to catch when it happens. (Does that make sense?)

 

Example. People used to tell me that I don't have a sense of humour. But once I realized that I have an excellent sense of humour -- I just don't like cruel humour, nasty teasing, making fun of people -- then that's what I started correcting them with: "No that wasn't humour, that was you being nasty and mean."

 

So you pick one thing about yourself that people are saying wrong, and you fix their wrong impressions. Then you pick another one, and fix that. Take it one at a time and soon you'll know who you really are and have always been...and you'll be helping others to know that, too.

They'll try to argue at first, but don't let them. (Given my example) just say, "No. I have an excellent sense of humour. YOU are the one who thinks being nasty and mean is funny. But it's not. YOU are the one who doesn't know what humour is."

 

 

Yes it makes total sense. I've have been working on some of the things he told me. I did it the night i left. He told me i was "weak" but i remember telling him that i wasn't weak, i was just tired of the ups and downs. It's a working progress. Baby steps. I've lived with it for so long that i didn't know what was right anymore. I just knew the person living in that house wasn't me. My friends gave me the idea that he was "mirror-ing" his emotions on to me. I didn't get it till today, and if it's true.. My h is hurt i left. Another problem i know i have is learning to speak up for myself. I have a hard time speaking my mind and just go with what people say. It's something i'm slowly learning too. However, I know I'm in a much better place than i was 6 months ago. Now if only i can keep this momentum going when i see him!

[Ronni_W]

Now if only i can keep this momentum going when i see him!

Of course you can do that...you are strong and brave! The total opposite of "weak".

 

It really doesn't matter if he was projecting his self-image/feelings on to you or was mirroring back your own self-image for you. It only matters that you are strong and brave...which you are. Yes?

[looking4_hope]

Of course you can do that...you are strong and brave! The total opposite of "weak".

 

It really doesn't matter if he was projecting his self-image/feelings on to you or was mirroring back your own self-image for you. It only matters that you are strong and brave...which you are. Yes?

 

 

I try to be.