Effects of Infidelity

[dreamingoftigers]

I was repeatedly raped as a child by my grandmothers husband. With that being said Im not trying to make my self out to be a victim of circumstance. I know that what I am doing isn't right and yea maybe its wrong that I have an attraction for older.

 

 

I would like to go to counseling desperately but I cannot afford that whatsoever.

 

 

Past aside I need advice detailed advice not just walk away or no contact. Help me come up with a plan how did you women do it what was your final straw, you AHA moment?

 

I have been trying to post a long response but this POS phone has eaten it THREE times now.

 

I kind of understand where you are coming from.

Not the rape etc.

But the fact that you don't want to be seen as sone kind of brainwashed victim.

I married a man that was homeless for ten years. Live under the bridge/hitchhike/panhandle homeless. He wasn't a big fan of services or agencies (neither am I frankly)

 

I lived outside with him for awhile. I've flown signs and panned all over Canada and 36 states.

We lived in the back of a van for awhile too.

We've been married 8 years (live indoors now, yay.)

 

BUT I am sure that you are SICK TO DEATH about being told you are some kind of "helpless angelic victim who just can't figure it out and you should go to a service/agency." OR the converse "you are a scummy scumbag liar idiot who doesn't want to take responsibility blah blah blah."

 

And you are also probably sick of hearing "you need help but it has to be in MY special rigid way because I have a pathological care-taking/overhelping issue."

 

Ugh. All three ways of addressing it (no matter how well-intentioned) erode your sense of belief that people have any faith in your competency at all!

 

So frustrating.

[dreamingoftigers]

On that note.

You were asking about what "flips the switch."

 

Unfortunately your boundaries even with your body's physical safety have been violated so many times that it is possible that you are like me: the switch will NEVER flip.

 

Love has become too neurologically wired with suffering and disrespect for your brain to just close it off. In fact, I am willing to bet that you might even be (very likely) hooked on the shame.

 

I am not trying to degrade you AT ALL. Trauma bonding is a VERY REAL phenomenon and those who have been violated in childhood are almost guaranteed to be susceptible to it.

 

You would be, in theory, drawn to the very thing that causes shame and is rather toxic. So the switch won't flip on its own.

 

In my case I did a lot of "waiting and fixing the other person" in the hopes that if I waited long enough they would see me as valuable enough to respect and love without crossing my boundaries. It NEVER works that way.

 

In your case, with your history, the switch will likely not come from inside. Your neurological and nuture life-context is telling you that it's "normal and okay" for the men in your life to betray their wives and sleep with much younger women in what would be considered a vulnerable position.

 

You are going to have to face the toughest thing that you have ever done: you are going to have to fight all of that internal wiring to reclaim (or maybe even claim for the first time) your integrity. You are going to have to tell yourself that this is not an okay relationship for you no matter how it FEELS at the time and that you will go through the withdrawal.

 

It will f*cking hurt. And you will survive. And for every ounce you hurt you will thrive afterward. Double.

 

Books for you: Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend

Taming Your Outer Child

 

As well look into EMDR therapy. Seriously. It's great stuff.

 

I want to write more but I will have to post later because I am scared of my phone eating it again.

[dreamingoftigers]

How old are you, PreciousOne? Do you have a job and do you have an education?

 

What kind of personal support do you have? Family? Friends? Church?

 

I'm asking these questions as you are wanting to figure out how to get out of this A. You probably will need to just stop, go NC.

 

But, if you can get a job in another city to get away from him it would be good.

 

However, if you have good support there and a good job then it may make sense to stay there and go NC.

 

Hence the questions.

 

I wanted to ask about her supports and level if financial/living arrangement enmeshment with this MM

 

I KNOW this type from being out on the street.

I wasn't an OW or anything. (I was in a relationship with my husband that most men approaching weren't aware of).

 

But they, well, know the things to do to fuel with could be a very enmeshed or vulnerable situation.

I cannot even count how many times I have been sussed out for that. They have varying degrees of ability in that regard.

I won't say too much more on that front.

I am sure OP has been hearing how he's a "this and that" all over her threads.

 

I can tell you this from experience on the front line of it: this MM is a special kind of "this and that."

[PreciousOne]

I have a descent job for the time being Im comfortable. I don't have any kids so I don't have a lot of responsibility. I have family and although Im the youngest of the family everyone seems to depend on me for a lot of financial support.

 

 

I have tried no contact in the past but my grandmother lives with me and she uses drugs and he plays on that by paying her to let him in and I cant put my grandmother out on the street as much as I want to stay by myself Ive thought of dating but I don't need him going all ape **** and running a guy off. Maybe Ill just have to start treating him like **** and make him not want to be around me anymore although it seems childish Im really just fed up. Im going to have to pray about this situation. Maybe talking to his wife would be a good idea maybe Ill do it anonymously via email or something maybe she'll hire a PI to follow him and give him an ultimatum about the situation.

 

 

Not really sure... But I am more determined now then ever because the older and more mature I get the more I want different things for my life and he is not a part of that.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have a descent job for the time being Im comfortable. I don't have any kids so I don't have a lot of responsibility. I have family and although Im the youngest of the family everyone seems to depend on me for a lot of financial support.

 

 

I have tried no contact in the past but my grandmother lives with me and she uses drugs and he plays on that by paying her to let him in and I cant put my grandmother out on the street as much as I want to stay by myself Ive thought of dating but I don't need him going all ape **** and running a guy off. Maybe Ill just have to start treating him like **** and make him not want to be around me anymore although it seems childish Im really just fed up. Im going to have to pray about this situation. Maybe talking to his wife would be a good idea maybe Ill do it anonymously via email or something maybe she'll hire a PI to follow him and give him an ultimatum about the situation.

 

 

Not really sure... But I am more determined now then ever because the older and more mature I get the more I want different things for my life and he is not a part of that.

 

Erg......

 

Okay there's a lot going on here and you KNOW that none of it is Healthy or will help you achieve A healthy or functional life.

 

There are some bright spots though: you have a stable job, stable living situation and he isn't financially manipulating YOU anyhow.

 

But you clearly want something better and more functional than you have.

 

He will not go quietly into the night without tons of drama.

 

Now you can start from the outside-in or the inside-out.

 

Do you want this relationship to end?

Do you want something different?

[Speakingofwhich]

I have a descent job for the time being Im comfortable. I don't have any kids so I don't have a lot of responsibility. I have family and although Im the youngest of the family everyone seems to depend on me for a lot of financial support.

 

 

I have tried no contact in the past but my grandmother lives with me and she uses drugs and he plays on that by paying her to let him in and I cant put my grandmother out on the street as much as I want to stay by myself Ive thought of dating but I don't need him going all ape **** and running a guy off. Maybe Ill just have to start treating him like **** and make him not want to be around me anymore although it seems childish Im really just fed up. Im going to have to pray about this situation. Maybe talking to his wife would be a good idea maybe Ill do it anonymously via email or something maybe she'll hire a PI to follow him and give him an ultimatum about the situation.

 

 

Not really sure... But I am more determined now then ever because the older and more mature I get the more I want different things for my life and he is not a part of that.

 

You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders but you do have a lot to deal with here so will take some planning, effort and tenacity to see it through.

 

The situation with your grandmother and her drug use is, obviously, not good. This is where it would be good for you to have direction from an experienced counselor as to how to proceed. I hope that you never think it would be an option to follow after your grandmother with drug use. Please forgive me if that sounds condescending as I don't mean to be. My heart just truly goes out to you for what you've been through in your young life and making wise decisions and trusting in God (you mentioned that you would pray) are going to be part of your pathway to freedom.

 

Possibly some other posters will have ideas to share with you.

 

It seems to me it would be good for this guy's wife to know what he's been up to.

 

It sounds as if you're not financially dependent on him which is a huge blessing for you!

[PreciousOne]

In the past I was financially dependent but decided I was tired of him having that kind of power. In the past I have had issues with drug use. I smoked a lot of weed and cigarettes and had a hard time kicking the habit. I was scared to try anything else and thankful that I hadn't because weed had me strung out like I was on crack or something. I went to a rehab and quit smoking.

 

 

I want more than ever to get out of this toxic relationship and I will succeed in doing so because I am so tired of always putting my wants and needs to the side for this man and my family members and I'm going to start doing more of what I want. I want to live alone. I want to find myself and discover myself and just live and put all of this behind me.

 

 

I will continue to come to this site and vent because its helpful for me. After thinking of the whole situation I do feel as if I have been taking advantage of and feel a little betrayed by my family members because they let me engage in a relationship with this man all they had to do was threaten to call the police on him and he would've went on about his business instead they were just interested in what they could get from him because they wanted to feed their drug habits and frankly didn't give a ****.

 

 

I realize the only way is to be the b*tch I need to be by just being cold as ice. I've talked to my grandma and just laid it out on the table that Im serious about leaving this situation and if she cant respect that then unfortunately she will have to go because frankly she should be taking care of herself anyway instead of getting high but that's a entirely different subject.

[waterwoman]

Good luck precious x

[chelsea2011]

Umm. Your grandmother needs to get her stuff together and get help. That's not your problem it's hers. She is not looking out for you or helping you in any way. if she is causing more harm than good then it's time for her to go.

[PreciousOne]

I know it is but its hard to get rid of family.

[lollipopspot]

After thinking of the whole situation I do feel as if I have been taking advantage of and feel a little betrayed by my family members because they let me engage in a relationship with this man all they had to do was threaten to call the police on him and he would've went on about his business instead they were just interested in what they could get from him because they wanted to feed their drug habits and frankly didn't give a ****.

 

You were more than a "little" betrayed and taken advantage of by these people. The ones who were supposed to protect you used you.

 

I think the way out of this may be getting in touch with some anger about how you have been used, and claiming your life for yourself. F all these people who have just wanted to use you over the years - that includes your grandma and these older guys who saw a youth whose vulnerability they could exploit. You have one life - they've tried to use it for their own purposes, now it's time to take it back.

[MuddyRock]

Best way to get out of this is to TELL the BS. She really needs to know, and with her knowing he isn't likely to go ape or start coming over. She needs to know she is married to a predator also. He will be so angry that you told he wont even want to be a part of this anymore. (this coming from a BW that WISHES someone told me sooner)