AsItIs Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone I would just like to hear your opinions about whether or not I should tell on a married man who led me on for over a year & never once told me he was married. Infact-he just got married in October & asked me to be his girlfriend in November.I had suspicions about him from the start but every time I asked him if he had a gf or wife he lied.We ended up having unprotected sex in December & I just found out he was married this week. I feel like a fool & I feel so angry that he actually treated me like sh*t when I found out & I have absolutely no intention of ever seeing him again but I'm curious to know if you guys think I should tell his wife? I toyed with the idea but I'm almost certain that I probably just won't say anything cause a) I don't want him to think I want him) I have heard of couples getting stronger after discovering an affair (as bitchy as this sounds-I'm not in the state of mind to want to help his marriage.I would prefer to ruin it) but...I don't even think it's worth me getting involved because I am so turned off by the fact that he considered me 2nd (possibly 3rd, 4th or 50th place after his wife-who knows how many women he is F'ing) So what do you guys think? I facebook stalked them & I feel like his wife looks a teeny bit like me but I think I look waaay better so that made me feel better. Edited January 18, 2014 by AsItIs Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy_Love Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I'd tell because he's putting his wife's health at risk. You've done nothing wrong and I would not want that on my conscience. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 This guy is a real scumbag. I would tell the wife as the poster made a good point: he could be putting many women, including his wife's health at risk. Link to post Share on other sites
CanJanus Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Children go and tattle because they want their petty revenge. Adults move on with their life. Anyhow, if you decide to tell, don't try to pretend that you are doing to "help" the poor BS who might get some disease. If you tell you are doing it because you are angry and you want to hurt the MM who hurt you, and this is the best way (and possibly the only way) to hurt him back. People play this game every day, but I find that OW's are especially talented at pretending that they are being saints. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AsItIs Posted January 18, 2014 Author Share Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) I never said I want to "help" his wife.I have a feeling she will find out about him someday anyway.I'm just angry & I want other people to hurt too.Just being honest.But like I said...I PROBABLY won't tell.Just wanna hear other people's thoughts.Thanks! Edited January 18, 2014 by AsItIs Link to post Share on other sites
CanJanus Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I'm just angry & I want other people to hurt too.Just being honest. I can respect that It is just the sanctimonious "The wife deserves to know" garbage that bothers me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 It is just the sanctimonious "The wife deserves to know" garbage that bothers me. In this situation, considering he's cheating and having unprotected sex, the wife NEEDS to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BehindTheseHazelEyes Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Chalk it up to a lesson learned. It won't go well for you, even if you were well-intentioned. You will become #1 enemy as you "should have known, conducted a background investigation, known by mental telepathy." She could make life very unpleasant for you since the betrayed often displace their anger so they can "reconcile" with their H. Learn from the experience and move on. He won't stop cheating and he'll eventually get caught. It never works out in your favor, no matter how well intentioned you are. He will get his in the end, you don't need to be the catalyst. Live and let live. What will be, will be... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 As long as you have proof (texts, emails, etc.), definitely tell the wife. Give her the gift of getting out now while it's early on in their M. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether your motives are pure or not. She deserves to know what a jerk her new H is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I never said I want to "help" his wife.I have a feeling she will find out about him someday anyway.I'm just angry & I want other people to hurt too.Just being honest.But like I said...I PROBABLY won't tell.Just wanna hear other people's thoughts.Thanks! Then don't tell if you are in revenge mode and couldn't give a crap about his innocent wife's feelings. But, if you tell, you actually might get some closure and may feel good about helping a woman find out the man she married is a loser cheater manipulator. Their marriage is new and she is under the impression it's just her. I do hope you calm down some and see that all that you're focusing on, the competition, what he thinks etc, really doesn't matter especially since you're not going to be with him again. Focus on healing and accepting that you made an error in judgement, trusted the wrong person, though next time always listen to your gut! If it feels off, it usually is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Breaking123 Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 As long as you have proof (texts, emails, etc.), definitely tell the wife. Give her the gift of getting out now while it's early on in their M. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether your motives are pure or not. She deserves to know what a jerk her new H is. Make sure you have proof and are ready to share the proof. Otherwise, it will be his word against yours. She will more than likely believe him because of love. She will not want to believe that her marriage is a fraud (unless she already suspects him of being unfaithful). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 When you are in a better frame of mind and thinking a bit more clearly, the approach to take is this - Let her know who you are, how you and her husband met, how he led you to believe he was single, respect her, be kind to her, be sympathetic. If you go in guns blazing and act like you don't care about hurting her she will not 'hear' you, and she'll believe her husband when he says you're a crazy stalker who won't leave him alone. An honest approach is the only way to go here. And, if you DO tell in the mood you're in now, one day you may regret acting like a punk to her. Have a heart, k. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Wow, that's a long time for someone to lie. People never cease to amaze me. I guess live and learn and in the future ask to see the guys house sooner rather than later. And, no, don't tell his wife. Just extricate yourself from him and this situation completely and move on with you life. You will have more peace that way. She probably already knows he's a cheater anyway, but still stays with him. Tons of women stay with cheating men. Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 You are in a no win situation regarding the wife. First, wait a minute to let your anger at MM subside. Then investigate your feelings and decide if it feels "right" to tell her. It's a no win here because some will tell you the wife has a right to know who she is married to while others will tell you that informing her is petty and revenge-based. So don't look here for that answer, look in you. We all know when something feels like the right thing to do. If you do tell make sure you have oodles of proof because this guy is a very good liar. Meet with her, lay it out, but don't spend hours trying to convince her and don't get emotional. Just the facts and leave. That's what I think I would do if it were me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Children go and tattle because they want their petty revenge. This is so not true. Op is not a child and this was not some fight on the playground. In fact, many people abused as children are silenced by fear, shame and the misperception that they are to blame, never reveal what happened. Those who do can carry the secret for years or even decades. And the abuser is free to continue to abuse others. When you are an adult, your can chose to use your courage, wisdom and empathy to do the right thing, which is informing this blatant liar’s BS. Why let him perpetrate fraud on her, none of you OW would want it done to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 If you were the BS, would you want to know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AsItIs Posted January 18, 2014 Author Share Posted January 18, 2014 I'm even more torn now! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I would just like to hear your opinions about whether or not I should tell on a married man who led me on for over a year & never once told me he was married If you have verifiable evidence connecting him to you and of his intentions to start and promote an affair, IMO that would be good information to provide to his spouse. Leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 If you were the BS, would you want to know? If I had NO clue he was a cheater and I was strong enough to walk away, yes, I would want to know. If I already knew and choose to deny that fact (with his help, of course), and was too weak to leave, no, I would NOT want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
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