Told his wife

[alicante]

I told his wife, no response from her.

Edited January 18, 2014 by alicante

[whereamigoing]

What happened to the long angry post from before? Just curious.

 

What do you hope to accomplish by telling her? What was your motivation?

[alicante]

too much detail, unnecessary.

partly anger, partly because i felt he had damaged me and I wanted him to feel some pain, like he couldn't just come into our lives the way he had and his wife not know anything. He's done it before...long story, so long.

[whichwayisup]

too much detail, unnecessary.

partly anger, partly because i felt he had damaged me and I wanted him to feel some pain, like he couldn't just come into our lives the way he had and his wife not know anything. He's done it before...long story, so long.

 

I hope you apologized to his wife for your part in the affair. I mean this respectfully, his wife is the innocent victim here, you knew going in that he was married from the beginning.

 

I take it you're now going to go no contact mode with him, cut him out of your life for good now that you told her about his affair with you.

[Aspasia33]

Hmmm... At least your honest about your motivations...I personally wouldn't have done that..I do believe the best revenge is to exit as gracefully as possible, Plus i know my MM would never forgive me if I did something like that. I dont know your story though...Just be prepared for the potential backlash.

 

I told his wife, no response from her.

[ComingInHot]

Alicante, how did you "tell her"?

My H's exOW emailed me about her A with my H roughly 8 to 10 months after he ended it. I thought it was a joke at first but she kept emailing me and then I knew. ..

 

Alicante she Destroyed a piece of me that day. My H destroyed a part of me that day too. I DID respond to her to forgive her.

If I hadn't been able to forgive her, I would not have responded. I mean, what was I supposed to say if I couldn't forgive her or Thank her for the information.?!?

What are you expecting, wanting, hoping for besides having what you did help you to move on?

[alicante]

.i struggled with that a lot this year, being happy versus being "right"...a year ago I began a relationship with a man I fell in love with, and my daughter loves him, too...he is a wonderful man in many ways. but when I met him he was still married, even though his wife and 18 yr old son live in another state he lives and works here in my city, he works in radio and is a very cool guy..anyway one year ago he declared his love for me, wanted to marry me blah blah blah, make me and my daughter his family, etc. that was one year ago, said he was separated from his wife...and also he was going to make the divorce happen last summer when i was away in europe for two months, of course that did not happen, basically he has done nothing after one year to move toward divorce...his son still does not even know they are separated, and the worst thing was he decided in the fall he just HAD to buy a house here and he couldn't get the mortgage on his own, so he asked her, the wife to sign it for him as well and she DID. omg that was too much for me, he kept saying it was just a favor for him to help him get the house then he was going to get it changed into his name only, that is not even possible unless you get divorced...so he bought the house and now has a 32 yr old female roommate living there to share the expenses, anyway, it ended up being so much more than i could take and i felt like i was losing my my mind, my daughter loves him and was going with the flow, but i didn't want to be a bad example for her dating a still married man for over a year, so we had an argument and he left, saying never to call or text, and he just left, i lost my mind and emailed the wife a letter telling her everything and also photos of us together...ahhhh all this over the holidays, it has been terrible and i';ve felt, sadness, loss remorse, pain, more than anything i miss him, and keep second guessing myself if i should have hung in there just being patient and being "cool" like he said...he said i was my own worst enemy and i should just relax, he was doing things his way, not my way....so many things, anyway I have thought a lot about being happy versus being right, because now I am not happy and i miss him so much, but it was always eating at me inside that he was still married and not doing anything about it month after month, and the house purchase just took me over the edge, i feel like i literally lost my mind and was mentally ill for a while. so that is my sad story. this is not the first time he has had a relationship outside there marriage, there have been several but they were mostly hookups, nothing serious with all the i love yous and full and open integration in our lives, we were a very open couple in my city.

[alicante]

know prayers and time will help heal me, but there is still a part of me that loves this man so much, and i thought he was real....i have been alone for so long, raising my daughter, but this relationship with him, minus the still married part, was wonderful and i loved being with him, the good parts...i know though, that after one year he should have done the right thing and he didn't, which means he really didn't love me the way i needed to be loved. i hope the pain will go away, it is a tremendous loss for me really..when you open your heart and home to someone who doesn't value you...i know i should never have started with him until he was divorced if he ever will be...i know i will get better but it is hard and sad.

we have spoken a few times and he says his wife knew he was seeing someone, but she didn't know it was me, he says his wife loves him unconditionally...maybe since this has happened before, it was not a shock to her and maybe he turned it around to make me look bad, probably so. deep inside, i think he knows he has some responsibility here, but he wants to blame everything on me saying I am impulsive and volatile...after one year of him doing nothing but buying a house with her on the mortgage, tell me who wouldn't be upset or angry? I know it is a situation I should not have gotten into and i know I should have cut it off after the summer when he didn't do what he said he would do, but by then i was so emotionally entrenched and i kept hoping he would do the right, but hard thing...instead he went house hunting, well we went house hunting with him like idiots. maybe if i had been a more "relaxed" person, not trying to control the situation my way, we could have made it, maybe after his son graduated from high school this spring, he would have done something, i don't know...i think when a man wants something, he makes it happen.

[Quiet Storm]

You will be ok. It was you & your daughter for many years, and you were making it. Grieve the loss of him, and accept that this is totally out of your control. Sacrificing, waiting, wondering, what ifs are pointless because hes not going to divorce. He told you himself, she loves him unconditionally. He can cheat, she'll buy houses for him, etc. He's not giving that up. Maybe his wife tolerates affairs but doesn't want them thrown in her face. Some women have been conditioned to accept it because of their family of origin, culture, emotional abuse, etc.

 

Try to focus on your little family, and leave them to theirs.

[alicante]

ok, iti will be ok

Edited January 18, 2014 by alicante

[Popsicle]

I can't say I personally understand the rationale behind telling the wife but I'm sorry you are going through this.

[alicante]

there was no rationale in telling the wife, it was an act of anger in my own pain. i totally broke his trust, but isn't that an insane concept when talking about a relationship based on her betrayal anyway? layer upon layer of wrong.

we were together one year...he has said they were separated, and he was "working" on it, but his grown son still doesn't know they are separated,

i have suffered a lot of guilt and remorse about telling the wife, it was not my place, that was a mistake...but at the moment I thought, he is walking away and my little family is shattered, well at least I am shattered and my daughter had become very close to him.

somehow since then though, we have had a dinner together and lunch, and over the weekend we spent the afternoons together, just as "friends", no romance, I have sent him messages asking for forgiveness and asking him to remember the good parts of me...he is being civil and even nice, he invited us to his house and we did some little things like go shopping yesterday, but no kisses, just hugs, maybe it is ok and things will somehow over time settle. this has been the most traumatic relationship i've ever had, even more gut wrenching than a divorce. i don't know what will happen, but maybe somehow we will be able to stay in each others lives, friends? i don't know...it is so strange now but i still love him and i know he still loves me even though he doesn't say it. i don't know what else to do but back off from the emotional drama, i am to emotional and feel so guilty about telling the wife...he says that was a betrayal of trust, even though he had told her he was seeing someone. such a mess, i do not know what will happen. how did i ever become this person?

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

Go no contact. Don't talk to him, answer his calls, texts. Don't email him, call him or text him.

 

 

If he is separated, she probably thinks you're a lot of drama. Usually when people are separated, they realize their spouse is going to date and it's not really any of their business.

 

 

Very vindictive to tell his W and then expect a happy ending. When you play with a MM, eventually you pay. Everyone ends up paying somehow.

 

 

Stop being that person and take yourself back. Get in counseling and work out what you need to work out.

 

 

Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't make you crazy. Love heals and forgives and builds up. Look at what you have; it isn't love.

[irresolute]

Sorry, but what you've done is terrible. It's his life, you had no right to do what you've done. you acted out of anger. this man will never look at you in the eyes again, and in the case he'll get the divorce, I doubt he'll chose a woman like you. This is just terrible.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, but what you've done is terrible. It's his life, you had no right to do what you've done. you acted out of anger. this man will never look at you in the eyes again, and in the case he'll get the divorce, I doubt he'll chose a woman like you. This is just terrible.

 

Seeing as you're MW, cheating on your husband, it really isn't nice to throw stones at someone, especially when they're down and out, having a rough go of it. Your words are cruel, nobody here deserves to be scolded like this.

[whichwayisup]

i don't know what else to do but back off from the emotional drama, i am to emotional and feel so guilty about telling the wife...he says that was a betrayal of trust, even though he had told her he was seeing someone. such a mess, i do not know what will happen. how did i ever become this person?

Why not send his wife a note, apologize to her for your part in the affair.

It might lessen the guilt.

 

Focus on you now, and your child. It's time to protect your little one from all this. Keep him away from your daughter, she needs to heal from this.

 

Have you thought of getting some counseling? Might help figure out your choices and find 'you' again.

[alicante]

so it was ok for him to come into my family and shatter us then walk out and his wife remains clueless about his many prior affairs. this guy has done it before with no remorse and she had no clue. there is so much more background. how do these people get away with doing whatever they want and not pay consequences. who wants to be with someone who cheats again and again? the woman who ends up with him gets a guy who has cheated again and again.

at least i escaped.

[alicante]

i did apologize and I explained that I was misled by him telling me the divorce was happening, and it did not. I told her I was sorry, but he had told me many things that were not true. I had never been in that situation before and I was very reluctant to enter it, it was only because he told me it was a matter of a few months, he was taking care of the divorce over the summer and it never happened. too many excuses and then telling me just to relax...

i only told her the facts and i was very sorry, but i had been misled.

yes counseling for sure since this has been traumatizing.

[irresolute]

so it was ok for him to come into my family and shatter us then walk out and his wife remains clueless about his many prior affairs. this guy has done it before with no remorse and she had no clue. there is so much more background. how do these people get away with doing whatever they want and not pay consequences. who wants to be with someone who cheats again and again? the woman who ends up with him gets a guy who has cheated again and again.

at least i escaped.

 

Yeah, whatever, he can be evil if he wants to, but I don't think he forced you, right?

Let him manage his own problems, let him do wat he needs to do, I just don't understand this. His wife is innocent, you shouldn't have told her, you should just walked away with your life.

[alicante]

totally correct.

[Lady2163]

Sorry, but what you've done is terrible. It's his life, you had no right to do what you've done. you acted out of anger. this man will never look at you in the eyes again, and in the case he'll get the divorce, I doubt he'll chose a woman like you. This is just terrible.

 

Irresolute, you should know, there is a whole school of thought on here that is very insistent the bs should be told of the affair, if not by the spouse, then by the other person.

 

If you end your affair, they will advise you to come clean to your husband since he has been a victim and lied to. They believe he should have the right to make decisions about the marriage based on all the facts. It will be the only way you can have a clear conscience and move forward with the marriage or divorce.

 

I'm surprised more haven't come out in support of OP, but my guess is because it was done in anger rather than apologetic that has them quieter than usual.

 

I'm never in favor of telling g the spouse, but I am an OW, so I am biased.

 

OP, good luck to you and your daughter. I hope you find some peace and someone who treats you right!

[whichwayisup]

Forget him now. I mean grieve the loss and move on with your life. He is a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. He led you to believe he was fully separated and on the verge of divorcing, when in fact that wasn't true at all. He's scum. Hopefully now his wife will do some thinking and figure out what she wants to do next, whatever that is, the ball is in her court. Maybe she has someone else on the side that he doesn't know about, or maybe she is happy enough with how things are..Anything is possible. Some cheat and stay married, continue affairs right under the noses of their unsuspecting spouse until they get caught.

 

Surround yourself with good friends and family, get busy and distract yourself. Do some yoga and be good to 'you'.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, whatever, he can be evil if he wants to, but I don't think he forced you, right?

Let him manage his own problems, let him do wat he needs to do, I just don't understand this. His wife is innocent, you shouldn't have told her, you should just walked away with your life.

 

It seems you're projecting your own fears (Your CM confessing affair to your husband and telling him the truth) and taking it out on this poster. Sorry but she did what she had to do because this scummy married man was leading her on, giving her false hope and future faking promises. A person can only take so much before they crack.

[alicante]

thank you for that. Love is blind and I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I really did. Even though my action was in anger and pain toward him, the tone of my communication was not mean to her. It really wasn't. I guess I felt that since it was ending, she needed to know... I sure would want to know...

all so horrible all around..I really never was comfortable with any of it, it caused so much strain... I had never dated a separated man before... and won't again unless definitely the divorce has been filed.

this particular person had been unfaithful a number of times, bad history. it took me a while to put it all together.

I am dealing with a lot of pain and sadness and loss and wondering how I allowed it to get this way, so the supportive words are helpful, thank you.

[irresolute]

Irresolute, you should know, there is a whole school of thought on here that is very insistent the bs should be told of the affair, if not by the spouse, then by the other person.

 

If you end your affair, they will advise you to come clean to your husband since he has been a victim and lied to. They believe he should have the right to make decisions about the marriage based on all the facts. It will be the only way you can have a clear conscience and move forward with the marriage or divorce.

 

I'm surprised more haven't come out in support of OP, but my guess is because it was done in anger rather than apologetic that has them quieter than usual.

 

I'm never in favor of telling g the spouse, but I am an OW, so I am biased.

 

OP, good luck to you and your daughter. I hope you find some peace and someone who treats you right!

 

well, that school is absolutely worng. there is another school that says all innecesary suffereing must be avoided. All therapist will tell you this. No sense in making the other person miserable. Really? What are you expecting the other person will do after you tell them you've been cheating? They will be destroyed, and nothing will be the same.

I don't know, i don't agree with all this, and has nothing to do with my own experience.