Told his wife

[alicante]

they have been living in separate states for a year and a half.

he had not told her about me and they had not told their grown son they were separated. the months kept going by. it was one year.

it was probably all about money for him, but i couldn't keep doing it with no definite plan.

i made many mistakes.

[whichwayisup]

well, that school is absolutely worng. there is another school that says all innecesary suffereing must be avoided. All therapist will tell you this. No sense in making the other person miserable. Really? What are you expecting the other person will do after you tell them you've been cheating? They will be destroyed, and nothing will be the same.

I don't know, i don't agree with all this, and has nothing to do with my own experience.

 

No, one on one therapists who are paid to only help their client may advocate this, but marriage counselors don't.

 

Those who don't want lives destroyed, they shouldn't be cheating in the first place. Each person in the A is at risk of the fallout, but they don't think of consquences going into an A.

[krazikat]

well, that school is absolutely worng. there is another school that says all innecesary suffereing must be avoided. All therapist will tell you this. No sense in making the other person miserable. Really? What are you expecting the other person will do after you tell them you've been cheating? They will be destroyed, and nothing will be the same.

I don't know, i don't agree with all this, and has nothing to do with my own experience.

 

Really? You speak for ALL therapists? Are you one?

 

You sound like a very angry person. Why don't you step off and go find a thread more suitable for you because your nastiness towards this hurting woman is disgusting.

[krazikat]

they have been living in separate states for a year and a half.

he had not told her about me and they had not told their grown son they were separated. the months kept going by. it was one year.

it was probably all about money for him, but i couldn't keep doing it with no definite plan.

i made many mistakes.

 

Alicante, I am sorry.for your pain. Affairs are never easy situations. I believe you did the absolute right thing by telling the wife...by making sure she knows the truth you have handed her some control. It is absolutely.devastating to be a BS and learn of your WS cheating, but I would rather know than not, so I have an educated choice instead of being blind to reality.

 

Sending positive thoughts your way....

[krazikat]

well, that school is absolutely worng. there is another school that says all innecesary suffereing must be avoided. All therapist will tell you this. No sense in making the other person miserable. Really? What are you expecting the other person will do after you tell them you've been cheating? They will be destroyed, and nothing will be the same.

I don't know, i don't agree with all this, and has nothing to do with my own experience.

 

Actually, it is the cheating spouses fault...the spouse is the one knowingly hurting the person. They vowed to be faithful to. Is your anger about this a reflection of your own guilt?

[Appreciate]

Sorry, but what you've done is terrible. It's his life, you had no right to do what you've done. you acted out of anger. this man will never look at you in the eyes again, and in the case he'll get the divorce, I doubt he'll chose a woman like you. This is just terrible.

 

What right did she have to get involved in his marriage?

 

I'm on the fence about contacting the BS. Some would be better off knowing, some wouldn't. Some wished they had never found out, others are relieved they did.

 

The BS's truth about her husband has been revealed to her, and she's no longer living an illusion. She's in deep pain, and they will need to re-evaluate their relationship.

 

Alicante, did she reply to you?

[Appreciate]

well, that school is absolutely worng. there is another school that says all innecesary suffereing must be avoided. All therapist will tell you this. No sense in making the other person miserable. Really? What are you expecting the other person will do after you tell them you've been cheating? They will be destroyed, and nothing will be the same.

I don't know, i don't agree with all this, and has nothing to do with my own experience.

 

If people followed the rule that all unnecessary suffering should be avoided then they wouldn't have affairs.

 

In general, the BS deserves to know the truth about the marriage they are in. Nobody wants to be a chump, nor live under the illusion that their spouse loves them and only them They should be given the decision about whether to R or D, and they should be informed because their physical health (STDs) and how their joint financial resources may have been used towards the affair. It's only fair.

[cozycottagelg]

I think the wife deserves to know, I am just not sure I agree with how it was done.

[alicante]

no reply from her....the tone of my communication was apologetic and factual to her. she probably has known about his prior experiences with other women, so i doubt this came as a surprise.

They married young and had a baby, when the baby was 3, he met someone else and moved out, moved in with the new girlfriend years ago, after three years, he went back to the wife and they remarried. Several infidelities since then, i was not the first but I believe I was the longest and most serious...at least his proclamations of I am going to marry you, make you my family etc at the beginning and his insistence on the early i love yous make me think that. It was only when i started to make noise about him not telling his grown son they were separated and I really started to press him about the plan for divorce, did the rose colored glasses come off and I went from the sweet perfect new person in his life to the wtf is going on woman, did things change.

so i don't think any of this was shocking for her. I apologized and explained how I had been misled and how the good things about him had sucked me in. my daughter also loves him and that was a big reason i wanted to make it right, ie divorce or break it off. very messy.

[alicante]

i also agree the wife deserves to know about her marriage so she can make her own decisions. i kept asking him to tell her, and he kept saying now is not the time, she would be very angry.

but it was ok for me to be upset...

so yes, messy business and i would never do it again. many regrets.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, whatever, he can be evil if he wants to, but I don't think he forced you, right?

Let him manage his own problems, let him do wat he needs to do, I just don't understand this. His wife is innocent, you shouldn't have told her, you should just walked away with your life.

 

Yes. He can "do what he wants."

 

And there's not a damn thing wrong with his wife finding out about that.

 

So messed up that WS and AP have this "not your place" mentality.

 

Say what?

 

Where does this ridiculous notion even come from?

Is there some kind of Anne Landers rule about exposing affairs I missed reading about?

 

It has to be on a white card beside the seafood fork on a Wednesday?

 

"My Dearest,

 

I may have exposed you to STDs. Didn't want you to have to hear it from the OW. She may have used an 'angry tone.' These dinner rolls are most excellent.

 

- WS"

 

Seriously.

[Appreciate]

no reply from her....the tone of my communication was apologetic and factual to her. she probably has known about his prior experiences with other women, so i doubt this came as a surprise.

They married young and had a baby, when the baby was 3, he met someone else and moved out, moved in with the new girlfriend years ago, after three years, he went back to the wife and they remarried. Several infidelities since then, i was not the first but I believe I was the longest and most serious...at least his proclamations of I am going to marry you, make you my family etc at the beginning and his insistence on the early i love yous make me think that. It was only when i started to make noise about him not telling his grown son they were separated and I really started to press him about the plan for divorce, did the rose colored glasses come off and I went from the sweet perfect new person in his life to the wtf is going on woman, did things change.

so i don't think any of this was shocking for her. I apologized and explained how I had been misled and how the good things about him had sucked me in. my daughter also loves him and that was a big reason i wanted to make it right, ie divorce or break it off. very messy.

 

Good. Bravo for you.

 

Obviously, this guy is a serial cheater with major entitlement issues. It's hard to say whether the wife is a doormat or not. She may not know about the subsequent A's. If she's smart, she will divorce him.

 

Keep him out of your life forever and learn from your mistakes. That's all you can do. I hope you find someone who knows how to treat women with respect and who will knock your socks off at the same time.

 

Good luck and hold your daughter tight. You are her role model and what she will learn about relationships will depend a lot on how good your picker is.

[alicante]

they live in different states and rarely see each other, maybe once every two months, so it wasn't like the typical affair in that sense. they are separated, but had not told their son...he had not moved on div after one year and they are still totally financially entangled esp with her signing the mortgage on his new house. breaking point for me. what wife signs onto a mortgage thinking she is divorcing? maybe some would...

too many red flags for me, i want a committed relationship with someone not capable of multiple dishonesty to his spouse. the guy only cares about himself.

[Allumere]

Sadly you were just another one of his victims. His history dictated that this relationship was all about him. Sure, you may have had good times together but the love you felt he had for you and her daughter was non-existent. He is a user and sadly you were another victim.

 

I understand the desire to tell his wife and IMHO although it may have been driven by anger to a degree, I think it is the right thing to do on many, many levels. I was the BS (more than once) and I contacted every woman my ex was involved with. Why? To expose my ex as the fraud he was (the stories he told these women....what an imagination), to determine exactly what they knew about him (I died apparently more than once), to ask them to back off (yes, I was dumb enough to want to save by marriage...ex was bi-polar so I attributed "some" of his behavior at the time to that), and as a woman I didn't want to see another person hurt or deceived by him. Personally, I wish one of the women he was with had a clue he was full of it and knew I existed. I wish one of them would have told me what was going on. I understand the destruction. That a betrayed wife's world can be imploded with such news but for me, and this is just me, I'd rather know the truth NOW, verses later, and I would rather live a hard truth then a beautiful lie any day.

[dreamingoftigers]

they live in different states and rarely see each other, maybe once every two months, so it wasn't like the typical affair in that sense. they are separated, but had not told their son...he had not moved on div after one year and they are still totally financially entangled esp with her signing the mortgage on his new house. breaking point for me. what wife signs onto a mortgage thinking she is divorcing? maybe some would...

too many red flags for me, i want a committed relationship with someone not capable of multiple dishonesty to his spouse. the guy only cares about himself.

 

Good for you for telling the wife even if it was out of anger. It was still brave.

 

He may have been easily telling her the house was a step to reconciliation etc.

 

My husband pulled smaller (but similar) fake-recon stunts.

[Appreciate]

they live in different states and rarely see each other, maybe once every two months, so it wasn't like the typical affair in that sense. they are separated, but had not told their son...he had not moved on div after one year and they are still totally financially entangled esp with her signing the mortgage on his new house. breaking point for me. what wife signs onto a mortgage thinking she is divorcing? maybe some would...

too many red flags for me, i want a committed relationship with someone not capable of multiple dishonesty to his spouse. the guy only cares about himself.

 

 

Unless you have proof otherwise, you don't know what's true and what's not.

 

The amount of times he saw her, whether it was a marital separation or a job-related separation, and whether they were even buying a home together. That could have been part of his "not now" excuse or it could have been real because his wife thought they were still a couple with a future laid out together. The only thing you know is that you probably don't know the full truth. And neither will his wife. Ever.

[alicante]

that is what worried me...and who knows, maybe that will happen. maybe he was making her think he wanted her to move here. I don't know. he said she was doing it to help him out to get the house. he said he didn't care about my feelings, he wanted that house no matter what.

if he were really serious about me, though, or even serious about divorce no matter what...he would have organized finances first, gotten the divorce and then bought a house himself. he could have kept renting another few months while he did that. i tried to be understanding, but i couldn't understand why a house purchase was so necessary at that point, after being with me for a year, all the other things I learned about his past were adding up, even though he kept saying relax and be patient, it was just too much for me and really was affecting me emotionally and mentally. it took me over the edge in many ways.

[alicante]

it was originally a job related separation, then became a marital separation. i do know how many times he saw her because he was always with me except when he went every two months or so to see his son.

and i do know she signed the mortgage, i saw the papers. what i don't know is what he has been telling her. i do know what he told me.

[Appreciate]

Alicante, you seem to be a caring person but you don't seem to have valued yourself very highly.

 

You took a lot of abuse from this guy. Do you feel like you don't have better options of men available to you?

 

Have you considered counseling for self-esteem issues? Your daughter needs a stronger role model.

[Ruffian1]

all innecesary suffereing must be avoided

 

LOL . . . then don't cheat . . .because that inflicts major suffering on a BS and kids

 

You did the right thing by telling her, she has a right to know.

[alicante]

the ironic thing is this relationship turned me into the opposite of what I normally am. I am a highly successful, financially secure professionally who is (being modest, not trying to sound vain, really!) very attractive, in shape, take care of myself, healthy, etc...but yes, there was something about it, maybe things not going my way or how I wanted them to, or the lack of control over the situation that made me so vulnerable in a way I never had been...I also felt the compromising of my values should eventually lead to it being right, or maybe I was trying to prove it was different with me...I agree I have never been so turned into jello..but i will get my thunder back, that is for sure, working on all this now.

[Turtles]

Sorry, but what you've done is terrible. It's his life, you had no right to do what you've done. you acted out of anger. this man will never look at you in the eyes again, and in the case he'll get the divorce, I doubt he'll chose a woman like you. This is just terrible.

 

Kind of a weird comment, why should she care if the loser never looks at her in the eye? I don't get the mentality of wanting to protect the MM. He's brought it all upon himself and I think it's merciful for the betrayed spouse.

[krazikat]

Kind of a weird comment, why should she care if the loser never looks at her in the eye? I don't get the mentality of wanting to protect the MM. He's brought it all upon himself and I think it's merciful for the betrayed spouse.

 

I think this poster feels so strongly because she is the WS....so I am sure the thought of BS finding out makes her nervous.

 

and I agree with everything you said....

[Aspasia33]

they have been living in separate states for a year and a half.

he had not told her about me and they had not told their grown son they were separated. the months kept going by. it was one year.

it was probably all about money for him, but i couldn't keep doing it with no definite plan.

i made many mistakes.

So he is seperared... Not technically married? Has no plans to get back with her?

I'm sorry mdear.. I think you have jumped to some strange and wrong conclusions.

So he hasn't actually lied to you?

I think this relationship is doomed unless you can get some mental help, and that is said in the kindness possible way. He has aready told his ex wife he is having a realtiondhip with someone?

This isn't a man having an affair, this is a man trying to sort his life and for some reason only known to yourself you have chosen to believe the worst and bring unneeded drama into other peoples lives . What did his ex wife say to you, did she even care? They have been living apart for 18 months, maybe they were just waiting for a time to tell there son?

If you really love and want this man, I suggest you get some sort of personal counceling...

[Aspasia33]

they live in different states and rarely see each other, maybe once every two months, so it wasn't like the typical affair in that sense. they are separated, but had not told their son...he had not moved on div after one year and they are still totally financially entangled esp with her signing the mortgage on his new house. breaking point for me. what wife signs onto a mortgage thinking she is divorcing? maybe some would...

too many red flags for me, i want a committed relationship with someone not capable of multiple dishonesty to his spouse. the guy only cares about himself.

 

I sighned a $200,000 line of credit for my husband when we had been broken up for 6 months and at the time we had no intention of getting back together.. Why?becyse he was / is my friend and I cared about him. It's what mature adults do.