missthingy Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I married my first love. We met when I was 17. I am now 36 and he is 3 years older. We have 2 kids and have been married 10 years. Things were ok and plodding along until he got in trouble with his business and had to close it. Last year he went to jail for a financial crime. He will be out later this year. I was so hurt by him going to jail. I came close to hating him but over the months I began to accept that people can make mistakes. I have been to visit him and recently he said I don't show affection or love. I guess my anger at the situation was hard to hide. Anyway over the last few days he has said we shouldn't be together as there is no chemistry between us. He said I don't love him and it will be hard living together when he comes home. He said I make him feel like scum and we disagree on everything. He said he wasn't happy with sex before. Why tell me this now? After 6 months in prison? I am hurt as his early letters from prison were apologetic and looking to the future. Now he just wants to be without me. I am devastated. Just as I was getting used to him being in prison and all the loneliness and single parenting, he wants to make it permenant. I don't know how to continue without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Wow. For a guy in prison who put his family in such a difficult position, financially and emotionally too no doubt, he's all 'me me me'. Are you sure really that you want to continue with him? I'd say you're entitled to be angry and to have it take time and effort for it to disiapate, if it can. I mean, does he expect a few sweet words from him will make it all better, that you have to put your feelings aside just ot make him feel better after the position he has put you in? After making you a single mother? If I were you, I would take what he's saying as a kind of blessing in disguise. I would take this opportunity to say that yes, you're going to need some time to get over things, to learn to trust him again.....so that when he comes out of prison you want him to live elsewhere for six months while you both see how it goes. YOu don't know yet how prison will change him, or what he'll come out like. Your kids will be adjusting and what will be the impact on them to have him suddenly, an ex con, back in teh house with all his issues and so on? He threatens to reject you becuase he feels you've rejected him. But he did this to you. He has to be a grownup and do all he can to make it better, not blame you for being angry with him. I'd really think twice if he's the guy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
kjohn Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I agree with most of what Poppygoodwill said, but I don't take his "me, me, me" behavior as selfish. I tend to see it more as him sitting around in prison all day with nothing else to do but think about what he did…think about how he obviously made you feel, think about what he did to your children and your family. He is probably hating himself right about now and thinking you will be better off without him so he is coming up with excuses to end the relationship. This is not just some guy you are dating. This is your husband of 10 years and the father of your children. Think long and hard before you decide to end your marriage. Trust me, divorce is no walk in the park. Try not to let your hurt feelings about what he said to you cloud your judgment. If you are not already in counseling, start seeing a counselor on your own while he is still in jail so that you can sort through your own feelings about what he did. Then, I agree that when he is released he should live elsewhere for at least 6 months while the two of you readjust to him being out of jail. During that time you should see a couple's counselor to work on repairing your relationship. If the relationship cannot be repaired, at least you tried everything you could and you are sure, but don't end your marriage because he is beating himself up about a mistake that he made and saying hurtful things to you in a feeble attempt to try to do what he thinks is best for you. That's my 2 cents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 This guy has been over it for quite a while if he's telling you this from jail, probably another woman in the picture already...he's just making excuses/justifications as to why you shouldn't be together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 This guy has been over it for quite a while if he's telling you this from jail, probably another woman in the picture already...he's just making excuses/justifications as to why you shouldn't be together. I swear if some guy is marooned on a desert island he will still be accused of cheating on loveshack. I doubt there are much occasions for flirting in prison. He is probably feeling pretty miserable and has nothing to do but reminisce and feel sorry for himself. Give him a chance when he gets out because you can't take what he says now at face value. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missthingy Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I swear if some guy is marooned on a desert island he will still be accused of cheating on loveshack. I doubt there are much occasions for flirting in prison. He is probably feeling pretty miserable and has nothing to do but reminisce and feel sorry for himself. Give him a chance when he gets out because you can't take what he says now at face value. Yes he is feeling sorry for himself and his character changes by the day! He admitted he is finding it hard so he is looking for someone to blame . Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 He suffered two huge losses -- his business & his freedom. He doesn't know how to define himself any more. Perhaps what he's telling you now about your marriage is true but I'd be surprised if part of it wasn't driven by shame. You have loved him his entire adult life. He probably doesn't feel worthy of you any more. Because of that, he's trying to push you away. If you want to save your marriage, think about that. If you are done too, just move on. Would he be amenable to marriage counseling? You are both going to need help as he transitions back into society. There is so much stigma attached to criminals. He's going to have a hard time finding work which will make him more angry. You all have a long row to hoe at that point. Good luck but get some help. You're going to need it. Link to post Share on other sites
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