Cheated on after 1,5 years

[BrokenGuy85]

Hello,

 

I've been looking for help as my world has crumbled and I have no idea what to do. I've been with my gf for about 1,5 years, living together for 9 months. We're mid to late 20s. Our relationship was great or so I thought - we never really argued at all, we had great sex life, she did nice things for me and I did to her. I thought we're amazing together and even started thinking about marriage. But then it happened.

 

My gf isn't a huge party person but she sometimes go out with her friends. She knows them for longer than she knows me and I trust her not to do anything stupid. Yesterday she went with the same friends while I was exhausted after work and had to sit at home. I wish her great time like I always do. She smiles and kisses me. I don't think about anything else and go to sleep. Then a bit after midnight I get a call. Sure enough, it's my gf. She starts by calling my name and tells me she's sorry. She sounds really agitated. I ask her what's wrong. She says nothing. I then repeat and she starts sobbing. She tells me she kissed one of her male friends. She tells me he recently broke up with his gf and looked upset, when they were out for a smoke she tried to console him, then he went for a kiss. She kissed him back for maybe 5 seconds then realized it's wrong pushed him away and cried. He told her he's sorry, it got out of control and not to tell me (of course all of her friends know about me). But she thought I deserve to know. Of course then she pleaded and begged to take her back, she said it meant nothing, she was just drunk and high and got lost in it for a few seconds, but realized it was wrong. When she went back she tried to cuddle up to me. I had none of it. I got up and slept on the couch. She was distraught about it. I told her to leave me alone, I need some space to think about it.

 

I know her confessing is a good thing. Doesn't matter, I still don't know what to do. Any input would be appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to say it, but this hardly constitutes cheating.

Cheating, in this scenario, would be her ringing you from his bed, after sex and apologising.

She had too much to drink and was inappropriate and indiscreet.

And he went for the kiss first, not her.

 

You heard it from her first, nobody else.

 

Really, you need to put this into perspective.

 

I can't really term this cheating.

Being tipsy, silly and unguarded, yes.

 

Cheating?

 

No, sorry.

Can't see it being that dramatic.

[BrokenGuy85]

I dunno, I tried telling myself that, doesn't make a difference.

 

And I don't know what to do still.

[BrokenGuy85]

So you're saying it's ok?

 

No it's not. I still feel terrible.

 

It could be worse I know, doesn't help me in any way.

 

What to do?

[CarrieT]

I'm with Tara on this one...

 

Your GF had a moment of MINOR indiscretion and immediately called to confess.

 

Read the threads about full-on affairs and OtherMen and OtherWomen and put it in perspective.

 

Your GF thought enough of you to be honest with you. That shows integrity. She could have kept it from you and you would have never known.

 

Of course you should be hurt, but I believe you should also be honored that she felt she could come to you and not face horrific retribution like a break-up.

 

I don't see this as cheating at all.

[BrokenGuy85]

I've been doing some thinking.

 

I've came to result that there's no way I can just move past it like nothing happened.

 

I have two choices now. First, I can end the relationship. Second, I can kiss someone else too so I no longer have the high ground and can't hold it against my gf anymore.

 

You said it's not a big deal after all so maybe I should do it?

[Chi townD]

 

Your GF had a moment of MINOR indiscretion and immediately called to confess.

 

 

IF it was a moment of MINOR indiscretion. You guys know as well as I do that when a cheater confesses, they usually tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what TRUELY happened.

 

She said it was a five second kiss. But, he may discover that this 5 second kiss was a lot longer and also included this guy groping her ass or his hands up her shirt. Or her groping the front of his pants.

 

All I'm saying is that she was freaking out hard over an unwanted 5 second kiss that she stopped. Most girls would write it off because it wasn't their fault and not worth the headache to mention it because it was unwarranted.

 

If it was me, I would say that you're willing to work on things, but if you find out that more happened that she's not saying, then it's over. immediately. Then, I would plant a voice activated recorder (VAR) in the apartment and one VAR velcroed under the driver seat of her car.

 

Then, if you hear a conversation that start with, "Hey, it's me. I told him what happened. No...it's okay, we're going to work things out. But, if he asks you, the ONLY thing we did was kiss. Okay?"

 

Then, I would drop her.

[Scales]

Wish I could say this was cheating, but it isn't. Not really. You are lucky to even have a gf would would admit it to you right after and beg for forgiveness. There are girls out in clubs every night dancing and making with other guys who then go back home to their boyfriends.

 

Its not like she kissed him really so yeah. IF you wanted to maybe tag along for awhile when she goes out then that might be an idea. Cheating would be like if she was having sex with her male friend for 3 weeks and then decided to tell you about.

[TaraMaiden]

I dunno, I tried telling myself that, doesn't make a difference.

 

And I don't know what to do still.

 

So you're saying it's ok?

 

No it's not. I still feel terrible.

 

It could be worse I know, doesn't help me in any way.

 

What to do?

 

Forgive me for saying so, but you're handling this in a relatively immature way....

 

Goodness only knows what you'd feel like if she had actually had sex with him....

I'm sorry, you need to grow up.

 

If you become this 'unnerved' at a kiss, you are not going to be able to hold together when a crisis hits.

And frankly, I would need someone with more nerve and emotional strength on my side if the crud ever hit the fan....

 

I think half the reason she 'freaked out' as Chi townD so eloquently put it, is because she knew you would go over the top in your reaction to this.

 

I'm asking a sincere question here, and I mean no offence:

 

Are you highly-strung, or do you have an overly-sensitive personality trait?

 

Are you given to exaggerated reactions?

 

Really, I'm just asking.....

 

Because it sadly, sounds like you are.....

[Trep]

I've been doing some thinking.

 

I've came to result that there's no way I can just move past it like nothing happened.

 

I have two choices now. First, I can end the relationship. Second, I can kiss someone else too so I no longer have the high ground and can't hold it against my gf anymore.

 

You said it's not a big deal after all so maybe I should do it?

 

Kissing another girl will not solve anything. All that will do is make your girlfriend feel betrayed the same way you do and pretty much ensure the end of your relationship.

 

As for those jumping to the gf's defense saying it's not cheating, I have to disagree. He may have kissed her first but she definitely kissed back (count 5 seconds out in your head, it's longer then you think). And as Chi said, it's extremely common for "cheaters" to tell the bare minimum to their partners. That 5 second kiss could have been a 5 minute make out session, we just don't know.

[KatZee]

I have to jump on the "this isn't cheating" bandwagon.

 

This isn't cheating.

 

She went to console a friend, and he inappropriately moved in. They didn't even really kiss. It was mere seconds and she called you immediately after and told you.

 

This shows she truly loves you, respects you, values you, has integrity, morals and maturity.

 

What you're now thinking of doing, going to kiss someone else is so ridiculous and so childish, vindictive, spiteful and immature.

 

I wish you could be in my shoes. Then you'd know what cheating REALLY is. Cheating is when someone is behind your back. Lying. Sneaking around. F.ucking someone else without you knowing. For weeks. Months. Cheating is when your partner is having a physical or emotional affair INTENTIONALLY with zero regard for your feelings.

[InnocentMan]

A totally unwanted kiss lasts for half a second, normally swiftly followed by a slap. While I don't think it's cheating in it's gravest sense, it's certainly unacceptable. Now when she goes out alone with the same 'friends', the OP will be ****ting kittens.

 

Don't underestimate the damage that a 'harmless' kiss can cause to a relationship. Does he now demand that she no longer see this friend, or does he just let it slide, until she accidently sucks this guy off?

[Keke1]

A totally unwanted kiss lasts for half a second, normally swiftly followed by a slap. While I don't think it's cheating in it's gravest sense, it's certainly unacceptable. Now when she goes out alone with the same 'friends', the OP will be ****ting kittens.

 

Don't underestimate the damage that a 'harmless' kiss can cause to a relationship. Does he now demand that she no longer see this friend, or does he just let it slide, until she accidently sucks this guy off?

 

Sucks him off???? Long as she calls to confess right away things should be good.

 

 

 

 

Lol I'm kidding. OP don't take my post serious.

[gaius]

Sucks him off???? Long as she calls to confess right away things should be good.

Maybe she just forgot to mention that part. I wouldn't rush to take her at her word, maybe something else happened and she realized someone saw them and it might get back to the boyfriend. Why does she feel the need to go out to some party, get drunk and high then run around consoling other guys anyway. Almost everyone seems to be up to an incredible amount of nonsense nowadays.

[Keke1]

Maybe she just forgot to mention that part. I wouldn't rush to take her at her word, maybe something else happened and she realized someone saw them and it might get back to the boyfriend. Why does she feel the need to go out to some party, get drunk and high then run around consoling other guys anyway. Almost everyone seems to be up to an incredible amount of nonsense nowadays.

 

True and especially your last sentence.

[BrokenGuy85]

I have to jump on the "this isn't cheating" bandwagon.

 

This isn't cheating.

 

She went to console a friend, and he inappropriately moved in. They didn't even really kiss. It was mere seconds and she called you immediately after and told you.

 

This shows she truly loves you, respects you, values you, has integrity, morals and maturity.

 

What you're now thinking of doing, going to kiss someone else is so ridiculous and so childish, vindictive, spiteful and immature.

 

I wish you could be in my shoes. Then you'd know what cheating REALLY is. Cheating is when someone is behind your back. Lying. Sneaking around. F.ucking someone else without you knowing. For weeks. Months. Cheating is when your partner is having a physical or emotional affair INTENTIONALLY with zero regard for your feelings.

 

Wait, what?

 

If she kisses someone else, it's all right and I'm supposed to deal with it like nothing happened?

 

But if I did the same I'd be childish, vindictive, spiteful and immature?

 

Sounds like a double standard.

 

Kissing another girl will not solve anything. All that will do is make your girlfriend feel betrayed the same way you do and pretty much ensure the end of your relationship.

 

As for those jumping to the gf's defense saying it's not cheating, I have to disagree. He may have kissed her first but she definitely kissed back (count 5 seconds out in your head, it's longer then you think). And as Chi said, it's extremely common for "cheaters" to tell the bare minimum to their partners. That 5 second kiss could have been a 5 minute make out session, we just don't know.

 

That makes more sense to me. If me kissing other girl would be bad, her kissing another guy was bad too.

 

IF it was a moment of MINOR indiscretion. You guys know as well as I do that when a cheater confesses, they usually tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what TRUELY happened.

 

She said it was a five second kiss. But, he may discover that this 5 second kiss was a lot longer and also included this guy groping her ass or his hands up her shirt. Or her groping the front of his pants.

 

All I'm saying is that she was freaking out hard over an unwanted 5 second kiss that she stopped. Most girls would write it off because it wasn't their fault and not worth the headache to mention it because it was unwarranted.

 

If it was me, I would say that you're willing to work on things, but if you find out that more happened that she's not saying, then it's over. immediately. Then, I would plant a voice activated recorder (VAR) in the apartment and one VAR velcroed under the driver seat of her car.

 

Then, if you hear a conversation that start with, "Hey, it's me. I told him what happened. No...it's okay, we're going to work things out. But, if he asks you, the ONLY thing we did was kiss. Okay?"

 

Then, I would drop her.

 

Ugh. Now that you say it it might be good for me to not believe it was just a kiss and maybe pry for more information. I should maybe ask those friends, maybe they know something. I'm not all that close to them but I see them from time to time, but mostly with her.

 

As for my "gf", she called me ten times and sent a message. She wants to know whether I made up my mind already. I told her no, I need more information. She insists that was all and asks me "don't you trust me?". I didn't respond.

 

Fact is I don't know if I do. Maybe I should just go ahead and ask those friends.

[Joaquin]

I think it is cheating. A girl kissing another guy when she's in a relationship is cheating. A 5 second kiss is a reciprocated kiss.

 

I would find it tough to move past this. Trust would be an issue. Feelings of disrespect would be an issue. Why she put herself in a situation with the man in the first place would be an issue. Getting the truth would be an issue.

[aliveagain]

Kissing is cheating, 5 seconds, 5 minuets, the act was done. Have her write out every detail of everything that happened that evening with the understanding that if anything new is discovered you will break off your relationship with her immediately. Have her read the timeline to you face to face, this should impact her and help her realize the seriousness of her actions. You need to decide if this is enough to end things with her forever, if not, tell her your boundaries and what you need from her to make you feel safe again. She knows she hurt you and that is causing her hurt, no one wins here unless one of you takes the first step to heal or end the relationship. Will you be better off with her in your life or not?

[Keke1]

Wait, what?

 

If she kisses someone else, it's all right and I'm supposed to deal with it like nothing happened?

 

But if I did the same I'd be childish, vindictive, spiteful and immature?

 

Sounds like a double standard.

 

 

 

That makes more sense to me. If me kissing other girl would be bad, her kissing another guy was bad too.

 

 

 

Ugh. Now that you say it it might be good for me to not believe it was just a kiss and maybe pry for more information. I should maybe ask those friends, maybe they know something. I'm not all that close to them but I see them from time to time, but mostly with her.

 

As for my "gf", she called me ten times and sent a message. She wants to know whether I made up my mind already. I told her no, I need more information. She insists that was all and asks me "don't you trust me?". I didn't respond.

 

Fact is I don't know if I do. Maybe I should just go ahead and ask those friends.

 

If it comes down to you asking her friends questions. I want you to know the relationship is over. Trust her or not man. If you don't leave. It's not worth it seriously. Not that you wouldn't miss her but the wondering will drive you insane. You can either let the relationship slowly disenegrate or rip the bandage off. No trust no real relationship

[BeholdtheMan]

I hate to say it, but this hardly constitutes cheating.

Cheating, in this scenario, would be her ringing you from his bed, after sex and apologising.

 

LOL...of course, this is assuming that she's not minimising. Brokenguy, there are two possibilities here.

 

1) She's telling you the truth

 

2) She feels guilty/doesn't want you to find out in the future...but she's not brave enough to tell you the full truth, so she tells you a watered down version of what happened.

 

She's only your GF. I'm assuming the two of you are young. If it's too much for you to handle, I'd say just dumpy her and move on.

 

There are plenty of women out there who don't put themselves in situations where they get tipsy and make out with dudes who aren't their BFs

 

She had too much to drink and was inappropriate and indiscreet.

And he went for the kiss first, not her.

 

You heard it from her first, nobody else.

 

What a joke. Alcohol is not an excuse.

[georgecostanza]

Wait, what?

 

If she kisses someone else, it's all right and I'm supposed to deal with it like nothing happened?

 

But if I did the same I'd be childish, vindictive, spiteful and immature?

 

Sounds like a double standard.

 

If you did the same you would be worse than her. You'd be going out with the intention of kissing somebody else, knowing that it was going to hurt her. It's vindictive as hell. Grow up.

[georgecostanza]

Maybe she just forgot to mention that part. I wouldn't rush to take her at her word, maybe something else happened and she realized someone saw them and it might get back to the boyfriend. Why does she feel the need to go out to some party, get drunk and high then run around consoling other guys anyway. Almost everyone seems to be up to an incredible amount of nonsense nowadays.

 

Because going to some party, getting drunk and high is good fun. Consoling somebody who has just been through a break up is what friends do.

 

Seriously though, I think the OP should move past this. If she called him up in tears straight after it happened and confessed then it's pretty obvious to me that she didn't mean for it to happen, that she's remorseful, that she's beating herself up and that she's honest and to be fair probably actually trustworthy, despite what happened. She's not covering anything up here, although I know how paranoid you lot all are. Just learn from this, take it on the chin, use it to make your relationship stronger. Don't be a dick and go out kissing other girls.

[gaius]

Because going to some party, getting drunk and high is good fun. Consoling somebody who has just been through a break up is what friends do.

If he was really her friend he wouldn't have kissed her. Women don't have male friends unless they're gay. She probably got off a little on having him as an orbiter and now she paid the price. If you want to hang around a bunch of dudes who want you but are pretending to be your friend then don't cry victim if one of them makes a move on you.

 

If she was my girlfriend I would take that as her trying to tell me she wants to breakup.

[georgecostanza]

Women don't have male friends unless they're gay

 

 

What a ridiculous statement that is.

[JDPT]

And not to put more thoughts in your head, but have you ever thought of her formulating her own "script" so that she can be viewed as the victim here? Clearly she had to run to you and tell you her side of the story so you can believe her.