Cheated on after 1,5 years

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'd be majorly pissed. Five seconds is reciprocation, it isn't realising the dude was going in for the kiss and pulling away with a 'what the **** are you doing?' response. I think the OP has every right to be this upset over it. For some people kissing is an intimate thing they share only with their partner, for others it's no big deal but sex is a problem, for others they don't care whatever their partners do.

 

Sounds like OP is the first, as am I. I don't think you should rush to dump her before you've had some time with your thoughts to work it all out, and DEFINITELY don't kiss in retaliation, it won't make you feel any better, and you won't be 'even' because she broke the trust first.

 

If you back down straight away and take her back and forget about it she'll know you're an easy target and she can get away with other stuff. If you take your time, think it over, refuse to pretend everything's okay, it might actually shock her that she may lose you over a kiss, maybe she'll gain a little more respect for you compared to how she felt at the time of the kiss, who knows?

 

But either you stay, or you go. You don't kiss someone else and then try repair the relationship. Personally it'd be enough of a betrayal for me after 18 months to consider ending it. Not just because of the kiss but because I'd know I had a partner who put themselves in these situations. I go clubbing, I drink, I have fun with my friends... but when I'm with someone I never let them buy me a drink, I don't flirt, don't dance with them, I certainly don't kiss. I want a partner who behaves when they're not around me as they'd behave around me. And I have tonnes of male friends as well as female, I've consoled plenty through ****ty times as good friends do, and not once has that turned into cheating so don't tar all women with the same brush, OP.

[gaius]

What a ridiculous statement that is.

Just because across keeps her orbiters in a more stable orbit doesn't mean they're really her friends. Deny it all you want but it's true.

 

I bet if she said 5 seconds it was more like a minute.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Just because across keeps her orbiters in a more stable orbit doesn't mean they're really her friends. Deny it all you want but it's true.

 

I bet if she said 5 seconds it was more like a minute.

 

What a mean-spirited person you are to presume that all opposite-sex friendships consist of one person trying to have sex with the other. I can't figure out if you're being serious about that or just trying to get a rise out of other people?

[f1asr88]

I was with a girl for three years. She was kissed by a colleague, and rang me up in floods of tears immediately afterwards saying she was so sorry, and that she wanted to kill herself because she felt so guilty. I let it slide.

Two months later she dumped me for him.

 

However, the day after it happened, (when I saw her for the first time afterwards) she didn't seem too bothered, which in hindsight I should have read more into.

Your girlfriend seems quite remorseful though, it's a tough call.

At the very least she would have to cut this "friend" off for good if I were you.

[JDPT]

I was with a girl for three years. She was kissed by a colleague, and rang me up in floods of tears immediately afterwards saying she was so sorry, and that she wanted to kill herself because she felt so guilty. I let it slide.

Two months later she dumped me for him.

 

However, the day after it happened, (when I saw her for the first time afterwards) she didn't seem too bothered, which in hindsight I should have read more into.

Your girlfriend seems quite remorseful though, it's a tough call.

At the very least she would have to cut this "friend" off for good if I were you.

 

Such a shame, I feel for you.

I've learn through experience that you just can't trust someone fully, no I'm not jaded neither am I liking in a bubble not allowing myself to be volnurable but simply being realistic about the world we revolve in.

[lolablue17]

whats going to happen from now on?

will she continue to hanging out with her friends including the OP every now and then?

 

So this is your solution - If she is realy remorseful she must promise you she will not be hanging out with this guy ever again, no matter what.

can she promise that? if the answer is YES, take her back.

if the answer is NO, well... you know what to do... that means she is not so remorseful as she claims...

[JDPT]

whats going to happen from now on?

will she continue to hanging out with her friends including the OP every now and then?

 

So this is your solution - If she is realy remorseful she must promise you she will not be hanging out with this guy ever again, no matter what.

can she promise that? if the answer is YES, take her back.

if the answer is NO, well... you know what to do... that means she is not so remorseful as she claims...

 

 

 

I think we know what her answer will be. OP is only setting himself up for future embarrassment because his gf decided to get drunk/high and didn't know how to behave.

[lolablue17]

I think we know what her answer will be. OP is only setting himself up for future embarrassment because his gf decided to get drunk/high and didn't know how to behave.

 

I wish I was so sure.

 

One of the things this guy worries about is if he forgives her, its like nothing happened and she can do it again easily.

If she promise not to hang out with this guy again, that is her sacrifice. it solves this corner.

[JDPT]

I wish I was so sure.

 

One of the things this guy worries about is if he forgives her, its like nothing happened and she can do it again easily.

If she promise not to hang out with this guy again, that is her sacrifice. it solves this corner.

 

 

 

It's already an awkward situation as it is.

[BrokenGuy85]

I've talked with my gf.

 

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

I don't know what to think about it all. I've called one of her friends and set up a brief meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll learn sth more there.

[lolablue17]

I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

Well, she sounded very desperate before and would SAY everything! but when she actually has to DO something (not just words), now "you are over reacting"!

 

also, she actually declared to you that she's going to lie to you next time.

 

Dump her immediatly! otherwise you are going to suffer a lot. if there is no price for her to pay, that means she can play again and again and again because her boyfriend is a pussy.

[lolablue17]

"He's just a friend", is a sentence she can't say after the kiss!

 

you dont give "a friend" a romantic kiss. you dont call your boyfriend afterwards to confess, crying and sobbing, if it was just a laugh, or naughty meaningless kiss.

 

He is everything but "just a friend" now.

 

maybe she is not a party girl but she is clearly a player and know 1 or 2 thing about manipulating boys like you.

[f1asr88]

I've talked with my gf.

 

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

I don't know what to think about it all. I've called one of her friends and set up a brief meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll learn sth more there.

 

This doesn't sound so promising, if she doesn't think kissing other guys is a big deal, then I'd be a little worried. It's the kind of stuff I heard when the same happened to me, as I referred to earlier in the thread, and I ended up getting left for her "just a friend" two months later.

She should be volunteering to cut him off (not opposing it!) now he has shown himself to be an orbiter and not a friend. But she still wants him around....

Having experienced what I did... I'd walk.

Your mind however is your own to make up.

[tom670]

I've talked with my gf.

 

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

I don't know what to think about it all. I've called one of her friends and set up a brief meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll learn sth more there.

 

She is trying to gaslight you. I don't like her attitude. She should have said okay I'll drop him now.

There could be some trickle truthing and more to this story of what really happened that night.

Just saying.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've talked with my gf.

 

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

I don't know what to think about it all. I've called one of her friends and set up a brief meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll learn sth more there.

 

I don't mean to throw water on your plan, but what do you hope to gain from this? If there's something more that she's not telling you, it's very unlikely her friend is going to rat her out. If there isn't, then you'll only be hearing what your girlfriend has already told you.

 

I understand where you're coming from. I would also be very unhappy in this situation. I'm just not sure what the purpose of meeting her friend is.

[Chi townD]

I've talked with my gf.

 

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

I don't know what to think about it all. I've called one of her friends and set up a brief meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll learn sth more there.

 

That could be a reason why she told you in the first place as well. Could be that one of her friends walked in on her doing whatever with this guy.

 

Therefore, if the friend dime her out to you, this friend would say, "You know what happened Friday night with your girlfriend?" You would respond, "Yeah, she told me." Then, they'll drop it. Because, it's an uncomfortable subject to talk about.

 

Unfortunately, the only thing you know is a 5 second kiss. The friend could have walking into something entirely different.

[JDPT]

I've talked with my gf.

 

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

I don't know what to think about it all. I've called one of her friends and set up a brief meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll learn sth more there.

 

Of course you are overreacting, of course she is flipping this all on you. And she has given you a fair warning now that if it does occur in the future, meaning if she cheats again, she will think about telling you or not. That's clearly no way to live for YOU.

[fixing]

OP, you have a strong moral standing. You seem to hold real values when it comes to relationships. YOU NEVER CHEAT EVER END OF STORY

 

The fact that your so torn up here and coming online for 3rd party advice means this is irreparable. Its over. She blew it.

 

I feel your pain, but better to get out now then to waste anymore time on a dead end.

 

There are woman out there who wouldnt dream of 'kissing' another man.

 

Tell her its over then go No contact and heal.

[Woggle]

In the scheme of things it seems small but experience shows that when you let small things slide people just try and see how further they can push it. If you push a hard line against cheating you need to be prepared to stand by it. I am also of the belief that when you see things like this there is usually a whole lot more.

[gaius]

What a mean-spirited person you are to presume that all opposite-sex friendships consist of one person trying to have sex with the other. I can't figure out if you're being serious about that or just trying to get a rise out of other people?

It's not always that blatant, but yeah there's always some kind of sexual dynamic going on. And saying that is not mean spirited. Maybe they don't even consciously realize it.

[BeholdtheMan]

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

You know all you need to know.

 

She gave you a lot of words and tears...but when it's time to take action, she refuses and starts putting the blame on you "you're overreacting bla bla bla"

 

Muster the courage and self-respect to dump her and move on. Consider this experience a blessing in disguise. A 5 second kiss was reciprocated and if she said 5 seconds, I'm guessing it was more than that.

[Chi townD]

I've talked with my gf.

 

She said she's sorry and wants me to take her back. I asked her if she's ready to cut this guy off, she said it's pointless, he's just a friend and never felt anything for him and she only wants me. She thinks I'm overreacting over just a small kiss and she kind of wishes she never told me so we could just be together without all that drama.

 

I don't know what to think about it all. I've called one of her friends and set up a brief meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll learn sth more there.

 

It might be pointless to her, but it's important to you. Even if it was only a kiss, I think we all can all agree, a kiss done with passion is a VERY intimate moment. IF she thinks it was pointless and the ONLY person she wants is you, then it should be extremely easy to give up that other dude. Yet, she doesn't want to do that. You have to ask yourself why?

 

And have you back without all the drama? Well, that's drama she created. So, she needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with the problem.

[ThatMan]

I agree that kissing another guy is cheating but it is really a very minor fault.

If I would be OP I would be measuring the time I have expend with my girlfriend and the feelings I have against a minor mistake.

 

I would not want to lose someone I love because of this but it is up to OP to decide.

 

I think the fact that she called you intermediately after she kissed that guy is a very good signal but if you stay in your relationship you will need to define your boundaries in a better way.

I suspect that you quickly glanced over a few pages like I did. We both missed how the situation escalated, at least for that moment when posting. Part of the problem is that people are unwilling to say no to dysfunctional behaviors because they love their spouse too much. The only way that anyone can foster a healthy relationships begins with us as individuals. Healthy relationships begin with our self-esteem, learned skills such as establishing boundaries, and our ability to say no to certain behaviors despite how committed we are. This includes all minor and everyday situations.

 

If you look through the past page you'll probably begin to realize that her side of the story is likely a fickle truth. She is unwilling to do anything reasonable about the situation to move on. She also wants more of the guy she kissed, which clearly means the kiss wasn't as innocent and minor as she claims.

Edited January 21, 2014 by ThatMan
phone

[BrokenGuy85]

Well, I've seen her friend.

 

And I learned something new. Apparently they were just friends... with benefits. They did that kind of thing in the past, supposedly before she met me. They were also seen together outside one on one a few times but they haven't been seen having sex obviously.

 

I dunno what to think about it. Should I confront her? I guess she wasn't the person I though she was.

 

I just don't know how could she pretend we are so great together then go behind my back?

[Chi townD]

Well, I've seen her friend.

 

And I learned something new. Apparently they were just friends... with benefits. They did that kind of thing in the past, supposedly before she met me. They were also seen together outside one on one a few times but they haven't been seen having sex obviously.

 

I dunno what to think about it. Should I confront her? I guess she wasn't the person I though she was.

 

I just don't know how could she pretend we are so great together then go behind my back?

 

So, she has an intimate past with this guy and you never knew about it? They've been seen on several occasions alone and one on one?

 

She regrets telling you about a "kiss", but conveniently left out that she used to sleep with this guy and still keeps him around?

 

Sounds like this guy is her backup plan.