Amalphia Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Hey Everybody I was wondering if I could get soem opinions. I love my Boyfriend more than anything in the world but he enjoys watching porn. Now I dont think that he does it alot or anything but he still does it. I find free internet porn........well I find almost all porn to be pretty distatefull and obsene so it bothers me that he watches it. Also he never used to at the beginning of our relationship. He also hides it from me, lies to me about it and gets PO'ED when I try to talk to him about it. One more thing he does that bothers me is he will turn me down one night and the next day he'll be all over the internet watching trampy whores lube each other up. Now I know that there is no way I can compare in body image to these women so I find his viewing habits to be very distressing. I take it as a personal put down that he chooses those skanky women who take their clothes off for the whole world and a classy modest woman who has no problem doing anything he asks her to do. HELP ME. IM ACTUALLY MAKING MYSELF SICK WHEN I THINK ABOUT THIS CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Dump him and find someone that shares your view and feelings on the porn issue. Chances are, he wont stop just because you don't like it. Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 There are many posts regarding porn, how it affects relationships, and suggestions on how to stop it from being a problem. It might be helpful for you to search the site for porn threads and peruse some of the comments made. From reading your other posts, you have more than just a porn issue in your relationship. I think your frustration may be misdirected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky There are many posts regarding porn, how it affects relationships, and suggestions on how to stop it from being a problem. It might be helpful for you to search the site for porn threads and peruse some of the comments made. From reading your other posts, you have more than just a porn issue in your relationship. I think your frustration may be misdirected. Would you mind elaborating a bit for me. I love him and I dont want to leave him for any reason. I can see myself with him for a very long time. And he really is a good person. I just wish he would respect my opinions more. I feel like im not doing enough for him. He has AADD and that makes him spacey and he just came out of a nasty marriage which has made him defensive and moody. I dont want my posts to make him sound like a bad person b/c he is not. He is my WORLD I would just like some advice on how to keep it from getting polluted. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Would you be mad if he wacked off not looking at porn? Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Maybe you guys could work out some sort of compromise like he will only look at porn when you're not home. If you make him promise not to ever look at it again that might not work out well. He might promise you just to keep you with him and happy but then there is a good chance he will get tempted and watch the porn. Then you will have a big fight because he promised you he wouldn't do it. If you really can't be with someone that likes porn then you probably need a new guy. So if you really want to stay together I would just work on getting the porn out of sight and out of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 get urself a vibrator...a really good one...and when he's in the mood say u already pleasured urself...see how he likes it when he notices how much you would rather use that instead of him...he'll get the hint Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Stone Would you be mad if he wacked off not looking at porn? No I dont think so but to tell you the truth im not mad that he does to porn either it only bothers me when he lies or hides it or gets mad at me for trying to talk to him or even take an interest in it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by NiCoLe20 get urself a vibrator...a really good one...and when he's in the mood say u already pleasured urself...see how he likes it when he notices how much you would rather use that instead of him...he'll get the hint Honey he could happily go for a week or more without having sex. And I dotn want to turn down any opportunity to have some good sex. Also ive never been any good at masterbating. I get bored with it. I like havign another body there. Also I dont think he would take the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Honey let me tell you something....deep down inside you know that he'll probably never stop looking at porn......and you're right! Once they start and they enjoy it?.........they don't stop. Either you learn to live with it; or you will have to walk away. If you choose to accept this then over time this will fester inside of you like a splinter in your skin. It's bad enough when you first get it but if you leave it there and it gets worse and worse over time until you have to go to the doctor to have it removed. Understand? I really wish I had some good sound advice for you but I don't. I started on this board over 5 years ago and this issue was one of my first posts. It does'nt change....they don't change.....male or female.....once a person enjoys pornography they enjoy it and as far as they are concerned they are not hurting anyone so what the heck? They think that they are doing this on their own time and it's no-body else's business but theirs so who do you think you are for asking them to stop? Do I sound like anyone you know? Good Luck, bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Amalphia Would you mind elaborating a bit for me. Sure. In your other posted you stated: He is VERY selfish when it comes to sex. He doesnt want to do much of anything. Also he has a computer and ever since this thing came into our lives I have been secondary. He is always on that Friggin thing. If I say anything about it he gets mad and says im controlling him and that he was in a four year hell hole marriage that was all about control and he wont deal with a controlling relationship again. Lastly he just recently told me three very distressing bits of news in the past week. Ok 1. he dreads having sex with me. 2. Im childish (hes 14 years my senior) 3. He resents me for not being able to do what he wants to do. My point is that I'm not sure that porn is your only or biggest problem in this relationship. Your boyfriend's lack of consideration to your feelings is a major concern. Your boyfriend's comparison of his bad marriage to your relationship is a major concern. Your boyfriend's disdain for being with you sexually is a major concern. While porn may not be helping the problem because it gives him an outlet to escape and not deal with reality, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't seem to treat you well is more alarming than his porn activities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 My point is that I'm not sure that porn is your only or biggest problem in this relationship. Your boyfriend's lack of consideration to your feelings is a major concern. Your boyfriend's comparison of his bad marriage to your relationship is a major concern. Your boyfriend's disdain for being with you sexually is a major concern. While porn may not be helping the problem because it gives him an outlet to escape and not deal with reality, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't seem to treat you well is more alarming than his porn activities. I would just like to say to everyone that he really is not a bad person. Yes he is selfish and yes he is a pain in the ass but he has so many wonderful qualities that for the most part outweigh the bad. I dont know what I expected from my posts I guess I just wanted some reassurance but (no offense) I guess the reasurance I need isnt from you guys. Im sorry if that sounds mean. I just wanted some advice and some people to tell me if they had gone through the same things and if it worked for them. I just want ........Oh hell I dont know. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I would just like to say to everyone that he really is not a bad person. Yes he is selfish and yes he is a pain in the ass but he has so many wonderful qualities that for the most part outweigh the bad. I dont know what I expected from my posts I guess I just wanted some reassurance but (no offense) I guess the reasurance I need isnt from you guys. Im sorry if that sounds mean. I just wanted some advice and some people to tell me if they had gone through the same things and if it worked for them. I just want ........Oh hell I dont know. It only works if you're willing to look at all the issues and not just one. You can't just say that porn is the problem of this relationship and if suddenly porn disappeared all your problems would be solved. They won't be. Many of us that have experienced the negative effects of porn found that the only way we were able to make changes in our relationship when was when we realized that porn itself was not the cause of the problem, but a byproduct of that problem. Stop focusing on the porn. Completely remove that idea from your thought process. Your boyfriend uses porn to keep you at a distance. Why? Determining this will enable you to get at the root of the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 POCKY you seem to have a wonderful insight but I wish you could be more specific for me. Do you think he is puching me away or do you think I might be making a mountain out of a mole hill. Sure he has his issues but all men do and I didnt really think his were worse then any other mans just that I was having an unusually hard time dealing with them. EVERYTHING has been so stressful for him and I lately. He just recently became a dad and he doesnt get to see his daughter because the mom is mean. And work is hateful there are just so many contributing factors. HELP MEPOCKY Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Pocky's absolutely correct about this. You said that he doesn't really use porn that much, but also that he could go without sex with you for a week or more, easy. There's a deeper issue here than the porn use, and you need to work with him to figure out what that is. Him whacking off a little bit seems to be the least of your worries. It sounds like the guy's pulling away from you, IMO. But what I really came post about was this: get urself a vibrator...a really good one...and when he's in the mood say u already pleasured urself...see how he likes it when he notices how much you would rather use that instead of him...he'll get the hint Geez...you're a real catch aren't you? Relationship problem solving, through revenge and subtle abuse. That's just friggin brilliant. I don't think many guys would catch that little "hint", Surelick Holmes. Don't you think it would be easier to just TALK to a person, instead of pulling some retarded mind game? If in his mind, he doesn't consider what he's doing to be wrong or even an issue... why exactly would the little vibrator scenario make any difference? That has to be the silliest plan I've ever heard. If anything, wouldn't that just make someone draw away from you MORE? Ugh... Men are not puppies that need "tricks" in order to grasp concepts, got it? I hate thinking that women regard logic like you'd regard an extra a**h***...but damn, reading stuff like that makes it easier all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
ollydolly Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Hi Amalphia. Pocky is correct in saying that he uses to porn to distance himself from you. Now you may be the sweetest, sexiest thing on earth, and he will still do this to you because it is how he feels about women. They are invasive, dirty, canniving, beggy little whOOOOres - who strip him of control. You said yourself that he is sick of being controlled (his latest experience of love with a woman), so he looks to porn where he is the master of his universe - and he gets to act that powerful drive (to be in control) out on porn sluts. You will never be able to compete with that. Only if he comes to see that this is a **** way to indulge a sex drive - especially if he is trying to have a real sexual partnership with a real woman. The more stressful your day to day lives are, the more he will use porn like a shot in the arm to escape from feelings of powerlessness and unhappiness. Deep deep down he probably feels ashamed about it but he will not say that because then he may have to give it up. This is the cycle of porn addiction. (I live with a recovering porn addict). Can you two go to therapy? Or will he refuse? Because there is not alot of hope for this relationship until deep core issues of sexuality are brought out into the clean, purifying light of day. There are alot of lies going on here. And stop saying he is not that bad - if you were my daughter I'd say "run a fu#king mile". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac Pocky's absolutely correct about this. You said that he doesn't really use porn that much, but also that he could go without sex with you for a week or more, easy. There's a deeper issue here than the porn use, and you need to work with him to figure out what that is. Him whacking off a little bit seems to be the least of your worries. It sounds like the guy's pulling away from you, IMO. I have tried to talk to him about it and he has opened up to me a little bit. In his marriage his exwife used sex as a weapon and he actually was forced to have sex with her when he absolutely did NOT want to. She would cry and whine and moan and complain that he didnt love her and that if he didnt have sex with her then there was no point in their marriage and that he may as well forget about getting his green card and go back to england. I cant imagine how that must have felt to him and I have been trying to make sex an easy thing but he is just so scarred from her. She had such a wonderful man and then she screwed him up, now im trying to put the pieces of him back together so that he can be happy and so can I. Also another reason that I think he likes porn is b/c his ex would NEVER let him watch it for four years he either didnt watch it or had to hide it. I told him not to hide it from me b/c I cant stand being lied to but he still does and that is what bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 [/quote}The more stressful your day to day lives are, the more he will use porn like a shot in the arm to escape from feelings of powerlessness and unhappiness. Deep deep down he probably feels ashamed about it but he will not say that because then he may have to give it up. This is the cycle of porn addiction. (I live with a recovering porn addict). HE has told me that the reason he hides his porn from me is because he is considering my feeling and he doesnt want to hurt me. He has also told me that since he doesnt have any REAL bad habits(smoking, drinking, drug use) that he deserves his porn and he will not quit. Can you two go to therapy? Or will he refuse? Because there is not alot of hope for this relationship until deep core issues of sexuality are brought out into the clean, purifying light of day. There are alot of lies going on here. And stop saying he is not that bad - if you were my daughter I'd say "run a fu#king mile". He gets really mad anytime I try to tell him how he is making me feel. He says im humiliating him and that he feels like a little kid being scolded by his mother. I tell him that I am just trying to talk to him but he ALWAYS gets mad and we end up fighting and he blanks me out. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 HE has told me that the reason he hides his porn from me is because he is considering my feeling and he doesnt want to hurt me. But you have already explained to him that you would rather know, so this is a pathetic excuse. He has also told me that since he doesnt have any REAL bad habits(smoking, drinking, drug use) that he deserves his porn and he will not quit And that is like you developing a fondness for buying a new pair of Jimmy Choos every week when the pair of you work for minimum wage and saying "It's not crack cocaine! i deserve it!" - This is just petulant childish, selfish behaviour. He gets really mad anytime I try to tell him how he is making me feel. He says im humiliating him and that he feels like a little kid being scolded by his mother. If he feels humiliated then it is his own doing - that is becasue he feels inherently guilty for knowing that he is doing something that upsets you but is determined to do it anyway. I tell him that I am just trying to talk to him but he ALWAYS gets mad and we end up fighting and he blanks me out. My ex BF would do this - it's becasue he is unable to discuss the issue on an adult level for fear that he will be proven wrong and he is not prepared to admit that or to change his behaviour. I agree with other posters that there are other issues here and from your own posting there clearly are many and his behaviour regarding the porn issue simply ties in with his many other problems. I would suggest that this is rather al ot for you to be expected to deal with and urge you to a) seek professional help or b) cut your losses and leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 I have tried to talk to him about it and he has opened up to me a little bit. In his marriage his exwife used sex as a weapon and he actually was forced to have sex with her when he absolutely did NOT want to. She would cry and whine and moan and complain that he didnt love her and that if he didnt have sex with her then there was no point in their marriage and that he may as well forget about getting his green card and go back to england. I cant imagine how that must have felt to him and I have been trying to make sex an easy thing but he is just so scarred from her. She had such a wonderful man and then she screwed him up, now im trying to put the pieces of him back together so that he can be happy and so can I. Also another reason that I think he likes porn is b/c his ex would NEVER let him watch it for four years he either didnt watch it or had to hide it. I told him not to hide it from me b/c I cant stand being lied to but he still does and that is what bothers me. I understand that many of us carry scars from previous relationships with us as we move through life and I understand that when we enter into a new relationship it's understandable to expect the new significant other to be aware of our emotional baggage and tread lightly in areas where we have been hurt. However, I don't think it's appropriate for someone to excuse their hurtful behavior simply because someone else has hurt them in the past. You are not your boyfriend's ex-wife and he needs to stop forcing you to compensate for her mistakes. If he is so tortured by the experience then he should consider professional help. While you should be there to help him work through his problems, you shouldn't be forced to ignore your own needs because he's still licking his wounds from a previous relationship. It's called moving forward for a reason. Both of you need to come to an understanding that you are not the wife and you should not be expected to make amends for something you did not do. He needs to learn how to respond to you as a person and not to respond to you as "the ex-wife". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for helping me out here im going to try to talk to him again. Maybe some counseling WILL benefit both of us!!! Just in case I have given the impression I also wanted to let you guys know that Im not perfect either and Im not alway nice to him either. I feel like ive kinda made him the bad guy. When he really isnt. I appreciate your guy's help. Ill see what I can do. Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 You said you made him be a bad guy. I think you are trying to relieve him of the responsibility and take it on yourself. When I had problems with my previous boyfriend and he treated me badly and I didnt know what to do - what I started doing was trying to put the guilt on myself. I sort of excused his behavior by lying to myself that I made him be like that. Because I thought that if I made myself responsible for problems in the relationship, it is gonna become a problem that I am more acknowledged and informed about and it would be easier for me to deal with the problem. Stop blaming yourself, he is the responsible one. He treats you like cr*p and u deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
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