Depression, relationships & Mike

[Betty]

Eight months ago I found that I have chronic mild depression with episodes of major depression. I am on medication now and am in the process of starting to really live at age 37. I've had it all of my life. It's caused by a shortage of a chemical in my brain, which the medication retains. Depression has many symptoms, one of which is very low self esteem. Because of that I've always avoided commitment keeping a barrier of protection up around myself. I'm only recently learning what love is. In my depression I didn't believe I was worthy of love yet I needed it desperately.

 

Not only do I have no experience with romantic relation-ships, but my parents split up when I was a small child and I didn't have the benefit of their example to learn about relationships either. I am a relationship rookie.

 

In 1992 I met Mike through a friend. We fell head over heals for each other and we were best friends as well. He lived out of state (dating men from a distance is a great way to avoid commitment) so it kept us at a safe distance from one another. In 1993 right when I was slipping into an episode of major depression that lasted 6 years, he was 3 hours late for a Valentines Day date (probably my only one in history) because of a business meeting. Un-fortunately he didn't call me until he came out of the meeting. Needless to say we didn't have our date and I didn't speak to him for 3 years. He moved to NYC in 1993 and I was transferred here in 1995. In 1996 I looked him up and we got together. At this point I was in full-swing major depression and painfully insecure.

 

Our relationship was different - bad different. I felt uneasy and awkward with him and could not bring myself to discuss our relationship. I was disturbed by sleeping with him because I only saw him about once every 2-3 months, which angered me since we now lived in the same city. I blamed him, but now I can see how much of it was my own fault.

 

In a state of major depression I self medicated with alcohol and pot, and I slept around a lot. The booze/pot made me feel better (temporarily) and the sex provided effection I needed desperately without worrying about being hurt. However, I got pregnant via one of my flings and now have a beautiful 16 mo. old boy.

 

Mike was supportive and he was the only person I slept with during the pregnancy (I wasn't liquered-up anymore). That was a year and a half ago and we haven't slept together since though he's taken us on picnics, and became romantic one night when he came for dinner.

 

Mike is now eager to settle down and is considering an old girlfriend that he doesn't see himself married to. I am only recently realizing I deserve love and admitting how much I still care for Mike, but I'm afraid it's too late. I love him and want him to love me again. I want us to go back to what we had in 1992 and build up from there, but I don't know what to do. I have no experience whatsoever. Because of that I feel I'm making mistakes and pushing him away.

 

I tried speaking with him face-to-face but had an anxiety attack and didn't. So I wrote him a letter. It probably seemed psycho because it was intense. I don't regret what I said, it was the truth, I just don't know how it came across to him. Well, I guess I do because I haven't heard from him since (for 2 weeks).

 

I know I need to find out how he feels, I just don't have a clue as to what to do now. Please help.

[Christie]

I'm really sorry to hear that. It seems like you tried your best to tell Mike how you feel about things...just give him a bit more time, he might be confused. Before you even try to pursue a further relationship with him, or anybody else, ask yourself why you want a relationship. If it's just for comfort and the feeling of "being wanted", then it's not a good thing. I had depression for 2 years and thinking of it now, I clinged on to my boyfriend out of desperation...which I know was not fair for him. But at the time, I thought I loved him. So, if you are sure about Mike, then go for it. And I'll tell you one thing, no matter what the media and doctors tell you about depression, it's not the medication that heals you. It's your own will. Trust me on this--You are the only person who can make yourself happy in this world.

[Betty]

I'm really sorry to hear that. It seems like you tried your best to tell Mike how you feel about things...just give him a bit more time, he might be confused. Before you even try to pursue a further relationship with him, or anybody else, ask yourself why you want a relationship. If it's just for comfort and the feeling of "being wanted", then it's not a good thing. I had depression for 2 years and thinking of it now, I clinged on to my boyfriend out of desperation...which I know was not fair for him. But at the time, I thought I loved him. So, if you are sure about Mike, then go for it. And I'll tell you one thing, no matter what the media and doctors tell you about depression, it's not the medication that heals you. It's your own will. Trust me on this--You are the only person who can make yourself happy in this world.

Dear Christie,

 

Thank you for your kind response. Though there are many kinds of and causes of depression, my perticular kind is a physical illness caused by a shortage of a chemical called seratonin in my brain. The medication helps to retain the seratonin therefore reducing the depression. This same medication would not work for every type of depression however.

 

I finally heard from Mike. He IS confused, but I'm not any longer.

 

Actually in my depression I avoided commitment in many ways. My problem is I'm 37 years old and for the first time in my life I want a family, and it's almost too late. I'm not ashamed of my biological clock ticking away, but I am cautious of making decisions for the wrong reasons. Wanting a family so badly is very emotional and feeling pressed for time doesn't help, but my pursuit of Mike is because he's the one I love. I have another beau who would marry me in a second (he's asked before). I just don't love him, though I truely believe I could fall in love with him and that we would make each other very happy.