Author Cressida Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Why not go and call the husband and say its over...and please. bS cant say this in front of the child? What about the stupid ass husband taking his kid to hang out with the ow? THAT is scandalous....yet your focus is all on the bs. You need to wake up chica, I am sorry for your pain as an ow but take your blinders off... Nope, she can't. As in she shouldn't. I would never tell such a thing to my child, what for? What positive outcome can I hope for, for my child's benefit? Selfish much... Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Yup. I don't think there is anything left to be said to the OP. She is clearly delusional and bitter. I don't buy that she is happy with the outcome of her affair at all. Her posts are dripping with contempt for bses who are 'stealing' the happiness of others. It is sad though, isnt it? I just went thru and read some of her previous posts and it is so sad and pathetic. I hope she is able to move past this, take ownership for her actions, have anger towards mm, and stop blaming the victims of infidelity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cressida Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Ladies, I have already ended my A. I didn't even have to tell MM to separate, he decided on his own. I'm not delusional at all. I'm also very calm, this is a forum to share views and not attack other people, why are you guys so angry all of a sudden. I just asked two simple questions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 So what would be the underpinnings for affair happening, according to you? I personally also heard the 'the affair didn't mean anything, it was just sex, he came back crawling' thing. Why doesn't the husband want to talk about improving his sex life with his wife, to whom he committed for a lifetime of endless love and dedication? I am not a psychologist. But here's a great explanation by one: http://psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity In general- affairs happen because the wayward has bad coping skills and an unresolved issue in their lives. It is usually unrelated to the marriage. Which hurts- because being cheated on is highly traumatic, and being an affair partner who is used is also highly traumatic. Lots of affairs happen with the over benefitted spouse being the wayward. The one who gives the least to the relationship. Google Shirley Glass and overbenefitted spouse for the full explanation of why that happens. Affairs aren't about the betrayed spouse. They also aren't about the affair partner. They are about what is wrong with the wayward. Some people gamble, some drink to excess, some cheat - all as an attempt for external validation and poor coping skills. In the long run- none of these are healthy behaviors. For any of the people involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Nope, she can't. As in she shouldn't. I would never tell such a thing to my child, what for? What positive outcome can I hope for, for my child's benefit? Selfish much... She absolutely can. What is wrong with asking how the park was? What exactly did she "tell" the child? And yes, children can be told in an age appropriate manner. The people against telling children are typically those engaged in the questionable behavior. Such as yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Yes it was awful what he did but in this case, the child only saw a 'nice lady with red hair', not a home-wrecking beast. I believe it was the mother who realistically did something off-limits child-wise. What her father did was awful when she'd been 20 years old and able to comprehend. What her mother did had more scarring potential. THIS is what I mean, THIS type of mentality. Do you honestly believe the little girl knew what was going on? My children were exposed to the OW. They knew something was off. They told me. Even my youngest at the time. This is on the cheating parent. Not the betrayed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Ladies, I have already ended my A. I didn't even have to tell MM to separate, he decided on his own. I'm not delusional at all. I'm also very calm, this is a forum to share views and not attack other people, why are you guys so angry all of a sudden. I just asked two simple questions. Who is angry? Also, you did not just ask two simple questions...you went on a rant about BSs. There were questions thrown in, but girl come on. Just because someone doesnt agree with you doesnt mean they are angry. We are just trying to get you to stop living in denial. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 In the end of the day it doesn't matter why he stays. That is not his OWs business and between him and his wife. Aps knew the deal when they got in to the situation. You are not a victim and neither is the WS. The only victim is the BS and it is not your place to judge her on what she decides is best when you don't get your way. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 My children were exposed to the OW. They knew something was off. They told me. Even my youngest at the time. This is on the cheating parent. Not the betrayed. My kid also was the one who told me about the affair. Also on the cheating parent, not the.victim. OP is dripping with resentment towards bs. But denies it. OP, please get the books and do some research. Or google them. Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Ladies, I have already ended my A. I didn't even have to tell MM to separate, he decided on his own. I'm not delusional at all. I'm also very calm, this is a forum to share views and not attack other people, why are you guys so angry all of a sudden. I just asked two simple questions. Your posts come off differently than what you state. The bitterness in your posts is very palpable. You insulted every bs who choose to work on their marriage. You knew the reaction you would get and something tells me you cane of as insulting and inflammatory on purpose. The fact that you posted this in the BS section supports this. Perhaps to vent? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Cressido, Haven't read any other responses yet but wanted to say; I haven't met a man who truly wanted out of his M, stay because His W "twisted his arm" or blackmailed him etc... A M'd man who wants out of his M, gets out of his M, regardless of financial state. Anyone who Wants a new start will make a new start* Second, I don't see a problem with a Spouse wanting to "fight" for their Marriage. Infidelity or other. A Spouse has vowed for better for worse and even if only 1 of those spouses has kept those vows then I think it's admirable they want to try to get past the problem to an even better M. It DOES happen. Finally, I honestly don't see why it's up to the innocent spouse to be the one to leave the M when they never wanted to in the first place which brings us back to my First response. Just my perspective and comment. Best to you cressido CIH* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cressida Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 My kid also was the one who told me about the affair. Also on the cheating parent, not the.victim. OP is dripping with resentment towards bs. But denies it. OP, please get the books and do some research. Or google them. Lady, my point was that PARENTS handle the whole thing wrong. Of course, in your particular cases the WS acted wrong by exposing his children to the OW. Not cool. However, in MOST cases is the BS who tells or exposes the children to the father's affair and plays this card. He betrayed his children. His family. Nope, just his marriage to the woman, the 'contract', like so many people here deemed a marriage to be. Not his relationship with his kids, who should be shielded from these things until they're old enough to understand. I believe this is something we could all agree upon. As regarding the phonecall comment, I was referring to the mother making that phonecall and informing her husband of the divorce in front of the child. If this phonecall was made in front of the child. Nothing bad can come out of this, the kid may even end up blaming himself. It isn't rocket science. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cressida Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Your posts come off differently than what you state. The bitterness in your posts is very palpable. You insulted every bs who choose to work on their marriage. You knew the reaction you would get and something tells me you cane of as insulting and inflammatory on purpose. The fact that you posted this in the BS section supports this. Perhaps to vent? Sorry if I'm coming off as 'venting' or 'bitter', my intention was in no way to insult women who want to work on their marriage. Just ask WHY. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Just wanting to get something straight... if a BS can force a man to stay with them, then an OW can force a man to have an affair, right? Or is it the BS' that are the only ones who force and "twist arms" and all of those other crazy things. You know, it's so weird because I read of how some OW get so upset at generalizations and what not about them and affairs, but then when it comes to generalizing about BS and their marriage, it's fine and dandy! I'm also confused, you say in your opening post that you are an OW, but then later say that you aren't anymore? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cressida Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Just wanting to get something straight... if a BS can force a man to stay with them, then an OW can force a man to have an affair, right? Or is it the BS' that are the only ones who force and "twist arms" and all of those other crazy things. You know, it's so weird because I read of how some OW get so upset at generalizations and what not about them and affairs, but then when it comes to generalizing about BS and their marriage, it's fine and dandy! I'm also confused, you say in your opening post that you are an OW, but then later say that you aren't anymore? Yes, I said I was an OW because I joined this forum as an OW and even if my relationship ended, I guess I'd still be identified with the OW category here. No shady intention behind this. OW cannot force a man to have an affair, how is this even constructed as an analogy for a BS forcing a man to stay with them? I don't get your point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Sorry if I'm coming off as 'venting' or 'bitter', my intention was in no way to insult women who want to work on their marriage. Just ask WHY. Why not work on their marriage? If both husband and wife (or whoever is in the couple) want to work it out, what's the issue? Why is that such a problem? If they both want to work on it for any reason, then I don't see the issue? In the end, that's between the two in the marriage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Yes, I said I was an OW because I joined this forum as an OW and even if my relationship ended, I guess I'd still be identified with the OW category here. No shady intention behind this. OW cannot force a man to have an affair, how is this even constructed as an analogy for a BS forcing a man to stay with them? I don't get your point. So if an OW can't force him to have an affair, neither can his wife force him to stay. My point is that you can't force a man to do anything he doesn't want to do. How is it that a BS can "twist his arms" and black mail him or whatever into staying, but an OW can't black mail him and do the same into having an affair? Anyways, I'm bowing out of this thread... too much for me lol 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cressida Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Why not work on their marriage? If both husband and wife (or whoever is in the couple) want to work it out, what's the issue? Why is that such a problem? If they both want to work on it for any reason, then I don't see the issue? In the end, that's between the two in the marriage. I meant why stay, not 'why fight'. If the situation is really bad, why demean yourself by staying with someone who doesn't want you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Sorry if I'm coming off as 'venting' or 'bitter', my intention was in no way to insult women who want to work on their marriage. Just ask WHY. Everyone who replied has explained why and you countered every reply with rubbish about how the mm being coerced somehow. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cressida Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 So if an OW can't force him to have an affair, neither can his wife force him to stay. My point is that you can't force a man to do anything he doesn't want to do. How is it that a BS can "twist his arms" and black mail him or whatever into staying, but an OW can't black mail him and do the same into having an affair? Anyways, I'm bowing out of this thread... too much for me lol You're confusing two degrees of 'power' here. Nobody forced him to marry his wife, yes. Just like nobody forced him to start an affair. Once married the wife has much more leverage than the OW. Financial ties, social ties, family ties, and the list goes on. I can't believe you're comparing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Lady, my point was that PARENTS handle the whole thing wrong. Of course, in your particular cases the WS acted wrong by exposing his children to the OW. Not cool. However, in MOST cases is the BS who tells or exposes the children to the father's affair and plays this card. He betrayed his children. His family. Nope, just his marriage to the woman, the 'contract', like so many people here deemed a marriage to be. Not his relationship with his kids, who should be shielded from these things until they're old enough to understand. I believe this is something we could all agree upon. As regarding the phonecall comment, I was referring to the mother making that phonecall and informing her husband of the divorce in front of the child. If this phonecall was made in front of the child. Nothing bad can come out of this, the kid may even end up blaming himself. It isn't rocket science. Gently? Telling the truth is not "playing a card". It's called honesty. Do you have children of your own? Telling your children the age appropriate truth can be a very good thing. And affairs don't receive automatic shielding from the honesty rule. Also- we have the poster here who reported it to her mother. It would not appear that she blames herself for her father's dishonesty. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I meant why stay, not 'why fight'. If the situation is really bad, why demean yourself by staying with someone who doesn't want you? I think you answered your own question. It's not bad. That's the point. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 You're confusing two degrees of 'power' here. Nobody forced him to marry his wife, yes. Just like nobody forced him to start an affair. Once married the wife has much more leverage than the OW. Financial ties, social ties, family ties, and the list goes on. I can't believe you're comparing. LOL and even with that leverage, men still divorce, correct? I guess my point is that no one forces a man to stay, just like no one forces him to have an affair. Good grief. But keep blaming the BS for him staying along with everything else, it's a good look for yall. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Lady, my point was that PARENTS handle the whole thing wrong. Of course, in your particular cases the WS acted wrong by exposing his children to the OW. Not cool. However, in MOST cases is the BS who tells or exposes the children to the father's affair and plays this card. He betrayed his children. His family. Nope, just his marriage to the woman, the 'contract', like so many people here deemed a marriage to be. Not his relationship with his kids, who should be shielded from these things until they're old enough to understand. I believe this is something we could all agree upon. As regarding the phonecall comment, I was referring to the mother making that phonecall and informing her husband of the divorce in front of the child. If this phonecall was made in front of the child. Nothing bad can come out of this, the kid may even end up blaming himself. It isn't rocket science. Lady? Lol. Are you getting frustrated?I am not trying to frustrate you. Please calm down. You are just so caught up in your assumptions that it is effecting your thought process. You already see the bs in a negative way, which has become clear not only in this thread but other posts as well. It is understandable due to your situation...but you need to move past that. Your point about the child blaming themself...exactly why parents need to have an homest, age appropriate coversation with the child. Read the books, lady. () I think it would be very enlightening for you. And help you get past your resentment of BSs. Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Lady? Lol. Are you getting frustrated?I am not trying to frustrate you. Please calm down. You are just so caught up in your assumptions that it is effecting your thought process. You already see the bs in a negative way, which has become clear not only in this thread but other posts as well. It is understandable due to your situation...but you need to move past that. Your point about the child blaming themself...exactly why parents need to have an homest, age appropriate coversation with the child. Read the books, lady. () I think it would be very enlightening for you. And help you get past your resentment of BSs. You're a bs right? Link to post Share on other sites
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