2yrs of life invested for nothing. Where to go from here?

[drmrconfused]

I hate to say this but you may not be posting on the right forum. What you had been typing is clear definiation of emotional abuse in the workplace and it can be very serious healthwise in the long run. I'm going through the same **** with my manager and I can't see myself staying at my current job. The reason is it making me mentally sick and I can't stand the sight of my underachieving manager. He's no tyrant but his constant wearing down and treating people like **** for reasons unknown is very problematic. I can only conclude he get kicks out of messing people around.

 

She is not my boss but coworker. Funny thing is that last week I got huge promotion which is effective from October. With this promotion I will be her boss as well. When she heard this she said that she will leave work by that time. All the things in my life are progressing well except for this one.

 

Also, one more thing that crosses my mind. After her failed court hearing she told me that she is so empty and wants to kill herself. When I heard these words I remembered how many of you here said that she will most likely threaten to kill herself. I did not buy it of course and just said "do it if you wish" to which she bursted into rage.

[drmrconfused]

Many times on these forums I heard expression "being thrown under the bus". Yet, I was not aware of its true meaning until I felt it under my skin. Can't say that it is not my fault as people here warned me several times about what is coming. I was blind and foolish enough thinking that somehow things can be different.

 

After her failed divorce hearing she came to me saying that it was mistake and that she wants to make it right. I bought it. Things were relatively ok until the moment I finished everything on my behalf and said that I am filing for my divorce. She suddenly became nervous, fights errupted on daily basis and she refused to see me.

 

Our initial agreement was that the two of us will submit papers together this time due to trust issues and stick with each other. Yet, when I said that I will do it next Monday she suddenly backed up and told me that following week is not good for her. I could see that she is looking for any reason to pick fight and waiting for me to explode.

 

Two nights before going to court she called me in the middle of the night saying that her H exploded, broke things at home, moved out and told her not to wait for him anymore. We talked normally, she said that she is happy for me filing and that she will also do it that same week.

 

Following morning I texted asking if she is ok. The reply was "please do not contact me ever again". Foolish as I am I tried to call her. She answered and said that this is all my fault, that my insisting on D made her pick a fight with him and that she has the right to think with her own hea and nobody will tell her what to do. I just said ok and hang up.

 

Since then we have been NC for almost three weeks. I saw her once in car with her H. Guess that tells everything. I also blocked her on everything possible. The only line of communication is corporate mail and this VoIP that our company uses it for communication. She is behaving mean and childish, posting there happy emoticons and statuses indicating that she is now travelling around the world. I am pretty sure that these are directed to me. Guess she is trying to rub into my face how happy she is and to provoke some reaction.

 

I know that I should hate her after evertyhing but I am hurt and hate myself more. This feeling that I gave myself completely, torn my family apart and nearly ruined my career and health for someone to whom I was toy all the time and I did not see it coming is devastating.

 

She could have gone many times. So many times I blamed myself for being angry in some situations. Yet, she never took responsibility for her mistakes in our R. One night and ugly scene with her H was enough for her to discard our R or A whatever it was. And on the top of that this was the night before I went to court to file for D. I did file in the end although I did not say anything afterwards to AP. I did this for myself.

 

Funny thing is my BS knows about lot of what was going on and she wants us to try working on our M. I don't think I can do it as I feel ashamed and estranged from her after all this time. This makes me feel more guilty as I pushed away someone who trully loved me for someone who treated me as doormat.

 

Has anyone been in similar situation? How have you moved away from this feeling of being used back to normal life?

[jackslife]

I've only just read your thread and you've been given a lot of excellent advice.

 

The one thing that screams out at me across the whole thread is that this woman is as mad as a box of frogs and should be avoided like the plague!

 

The only good thing she has done for you is not settle down with you. An AP is one thing, but can you imagine if she was in your home and life full time? Her husband should be on his hands and knees begging you to take her off his hands. Stay NC and stay away!

 

You divorced your wife for this awful woman and feel guilty and are full of self loathing. Well you're only human, you made a mistake and wallowing in the grief of that error of judgement forever won't change that. Draw a line under that time in your life and look forward, put all the guilt and self pity behind you. Make a date with your ex' buy her some flowers and take her to dinner. Look for the woman in her you used to love. Talk about general stuff, nothing heavy and see what happens. Nothing may come of it, but something might, you never know.

 

It's time to snap out of the mental **** this OW has put you through and move on. Enjoy the rest of your life without her and thank god you never ended up with her.

 

My OP for what it is worth.

Edited July 4, 2014 by jackslife
punctuation editing

[Wambo]

It's difficult to judge your situation without being there first hand, and therefor my opinion may not be correct. Saying that however I'm getting the distinct impression she is telling you an awful lot of lies and the situation is only going to get worst. If I'm right then surely her games will intensify once you're divorced and you being free to start a relationship with her. If you think things are bad now, they will only get worst if you playing the waiting game for her.

 

My advice has always been the same and you need to take charge of the situation. You can't allow her to treat you in this fashion and you need to stand up for yourself. My exAP is upset and angry, however she doesn't go out of her way to play mind games with me or trying to frustrate me.

 

Here is your two options.

 

1. Put a halt on your divorce and try to make your marriage work. Your AP shouldn't have any say or input in your divorce. You only divorcing for yourself and not to benefit your AP.

 

2. Move on completely and not have your AP be a part of your life.

 

 

What you need to ask yourself is your AP influencing your divorce and how much by?

[drmrconfused]

It's difficult to judge your situation without being there first hand, and therefor my opinion may not be correct. Saying that however I'm getting the distinct impression she is telling you an awful lot of lies and the situation is only going to get worst. If I'm right then surely her games will intensify once you're divorced and you being free to start a relationship with her. If you think things are bad now, they will only get worst if you playing the waiting game for her.

 

My advice has always been the same and you need to take charge of the situation. You can't allow her to treat you in this fashion and you need to stand up for yourself. My exAP is upset and angry, however she doesn't go out of her way to play mind games with me or trying to frustrate me.

 

Here is your two options.

 

1. Put a halt on your divorce and try to make your marriage work. Your AP shouldn't have any say or input in your divorce. You only divorcing for yourself and not to benefit your AP.

 

2. Move on completely and not have your AP be a part of your life.

 

 

What you need to ask yourself is your AP influencing your divorce and how much by?

 

I am well aware that I cannot let her come near me although I suspect she will dare to contact ever again. It is just that I am left with this feeling of being a fool and letting her play these games for so long. The D is my decision, our problems existed long before my A started and my AP was just last straw in that story. Although, seeing my BS trying so hard over our M during last months makes me wonder whether pushing all the way with this D is mistake and whether she deserves another chance.

[drmrconfused]

I've only just read your thread and you've been given a lot of excellent advice.

 

The one thing that screams out at me across the whole thread is that this woman is as mad as a box of frogs and should be avoided like the plague!

 

The only good thing she has done for you is not settle down with you. An AP is one thing, but can you imagine if she was in your home and life full time? Her husband should be on his hands and knees begging you to take her off his hands. Stay NC and stay away!

 

You divorced your wife for this awful woman and feel guilty and are full of self loathing. Well you're only human, you made a mistake and wallowing in the grief of that error of judgement forever won't change that. Draw a line under that time in your life and look forward, put all the guilt and self pity behind you. Make a date with your ex' buy her some flowers and take her to dinner. Look for the woman in her you used to love. Talk about general stuff, nothing heavy and see what happens. Nothing may come of it, but something might, you never know.

 

It's time to snap out of the mental **** this OW has put you through and move on. Enjoy the rest of your life without her and thank god you never ended up with her.

 

My OP for what it is worth.

 

Yeah, many people here said your words earlier but all of this meant little before I felt it on my skin. I see clearly now that I have to move on and never let her come near me (not that I expect her to reach ever again). The feeling of being a fool is what bothers me now. I am usually not blind and am very succesful in my career. Before this I also had many friends and generally I believed that I know well with people. Therefore I keep asking myself how did I not see what was going on and put up with everything she did for so long? Sorry if I am too long but this place is the only place where I can vent.

[whichwayisup]

Although, seeing my BS trying so hard over our M during last months makes me wonder whether pushing all the way with this D is mistake and whether she deserves another chance.

She as in your BS/wife?

 

You had every intention of divorcing your wife, leave her behind andstart a new life with someone else. So now that your (ex)MW changed her mind and isn't divorcing you want to give your wife 'another chance'? Your wife isn't the back up/fall back on woman! Set her free so she can find love with someone who truly wants to be married to her. It's unfair of you now to grab onto your marriage because (maybe?) you're afraid to be alone and on your own with no woman in your life.

 

IF anything, you'd be lucky to deserve a second chance with your wife. You were the one cheating and having an A, not your wife, so I really don't understand you saying she deserves another chance.

[drmrconfused]

She as in your BS/wife?

 

You had every intention of divorcing your wife, leave her behind andstart a new life with someone else. So now that your (ex)MW changed her mind and isn't divorcing you want to give your wife 'another chance'? Your wife isn't the back up/fall back on woman! Set her free so she can find love with someone who truly wants to be married to her. It's unfair of you now to grab onto your marriage because (maybe?) you're afraid to be alone and on your own with no woman in your life.

 

IF anything, you'd be lucky to deserve a second chance with your wife. You were the one cheating and having an A, not your wife, so I really don't understand you saying she deserves another chance.

 

Problems betwen me and my wife started long long before my A. At that time she was the one threatening me with D on daily basis and this went on for more than a year. By the time our A started we hardly communicated not to mention anything else. It was my giving up and distancing that acted as wake up call for her and she asked herself whether her actions are ok. She is aware of my A but also acknowledges her faults and wants us to start from the scratch. It is me that feels this is unfair to her and therefore I am reluctant. I am not trying to treat her as backup plan, my actions were wrong and I see it clearly now. This is the reason why I filed for D despite my BS being against it.

[Matilda75]

D is always an option, especially if you've concluded there is nothing left in your M to salvage. Sounds like your BS sees some value left and perhaps she's the best judge of whether or not it makes sense for her to continue to try. She may want the opportunity to show you how much she regrets the ways she neglected your M.

 

Maybe your M had to get to this low point before you were both ready to effectively tackle the issues in your M. The advice above about making space for the two of you to have fun together could help create a new, more solid basis for your relationship. No need to decide right away where that relationship will lead.

 

In the meantime, sounds like you are working through some tough issues on your own. How could someone generally successful and a good judge of character fall for this woman "crazier than a box of frogs?" You feel a fool and perhaps questioning all you know about yourself and life. BTDT. Its a horrible feeling, I know. Turns out those feelings and the humility which accompanies them are great fertile ground for a new and improved you.

[jackslife]

The feeling of being a fool is what bothers me now. I am usually not blind and am very successful in my career.

 

Ever heard the saying "love is blind"? We come into this world knowing nothing. We go to school, university, get jobs, have relationships and with hard work and a bit of luck, see ourselves as successful, knowledgeable and grown up. Without realising it I wonder if we come to think we have had enough experience and 'know it all'. Something like this comes along and it is a shock to find out that we don't and are still learning...

The brightest and best of us make fools of ourselves over love. It doesn't matter how smart, how successful, how popular or funny we are, when those chemicals in the brain start pumping all that sense goes out the window.

With hindsight you'll look back at this woman and think what the hell you were thinking. But at the time, all those decisions made sense and you went along with it.

Chalk it up to experience and look forward to your new life.

[veryhappy]

I am well aware that I cannot let her come near me although I suspect she will dare to contact ever again. It is just that I am left with this feeling of being a fool and letting her play these games for so long. The D is my decision, our problems existed long before my A started and my AP was just last straw in that story. Although, seeing my BS trying so hard over our M during last months makes me wonder whether pushing all the way with this D is mistake and whether she deserves another chance.

 

 

 

If you want to try with your wife, do try. It's best not to move forward with the divorce if you are second guessing.

 

 

As for your ap, we know full well how those tire marks feel. Its the way the story goes most of the time. With hownuts she is, shell probably come back in the future. Prepare yourself to say no and do your best to move on.

[drmrconfused]

If you want to try with your wife, do try. It's best not to move forward with the divorce if you are second guessing.

 

 

As for your ap, we know full well how those tire marks feel. Its the way the story goes most of the time. With hownuts she is, shell probably come back in the future. Prepare yourself to say no and do your best to move on.

 

I don't expect her to contact me again. She is way too smart to expect anything but rejection after everything she did. In the meantime she continues to seek reaction online with statuses and profile pics. Its as if she intentionally wants to hurt me. I don't get it. She asked for me to leave and went back to her H. Why this?