Tough Few Days. Mixed Signals.

[george roy]

Hi all,

 

Lemme bring you guys up to speed.

 

She hasn't touched her divorce paperwork. At all.

 

Yet she's the one that chose divorce when I put all the cards on the table.

 

She had a custody schedule worked out. Something she wanted my input on.

 

And then the other day (Tuesday) she tells me:

 

STBXW: "I also looked at a place yesterday afternoon."

Me: "Ok. I have to be somewhere tomorrow night. Will you be able to be home, or do I need to call the sitter ?"

STBXW: "The youngest is going to my father's this weekend."

Me: "Ok. Do I need to call the sitter for Thursday ?"

STBXW: "No."

 

A little while goes by...

 

STBXW: "Is there any reason I shouldn't sign a lease agreement ?"

 

(Why would I have a problem with that ???? This is what SHE wanted.)

 

Me: "No."

 

STBXW: "Are you positive that you want to divorce ?"

 

??????????????????????????

 

Me: "I'm not going to text about this."

 

I put all the options on the table a week and a half ago, she chose divorce, and now she's trying to put it on me ?? Really ???

 

So after a big blowout trying to talk the other night, with a lot of name-calling, she wanted to show me the apartment she chose. To see if I thought it was a good fit for the kids.

Nice place, but the rent is a lot more than what I think she can afford.

She's liable to not be able to make the rent in three or four months.

 

She says she still loves me, and doesn't want this divorce.

 

We were going to tell the kids about the divorce today. But, because our daughter has a dance recital (early this afternoon), we (read:she) elected that we tell them tomorrow.

 

That said, one of our son's friends stayed over last night.

His mother is sick. So this morning, STBX asks the boy if he wants to stay another night.

And then asks me.

 

And it's the youngest's child's turn to go to her father's this weekend.

And I'll be taking that child out there.

 

She also said she didn't plan on being home tonight. But she can be, if I need her to be.

 

So you set me up (saddle me) with another kid, but don't want to be home to spend time with them, and leave me with them ?

 

Unbelievable.

 

I've been trying to figure out a way to approach this with the kids. And I don't want to tell them we are getting a divorce if things somehow don't go that way.

 

It's all about the kids right now. And telling them, and then not doing it, can really screw them up.

 

If you (she) really doesn't want this (as I don't), and if you think there's a chance, then I think we need to postpone telling them.

 

But some things would need to change. On both our parts.

 

So I spoke to her today.

 

That we need to think about how and what to tell the kids.

 

And I told her that I don't want this. She says she loves me. And I love her. And if she really doesn't want this, I'm willing to work on saving the marriage.

 

She really had nothing to say.

 

The past few days, and especially today, have been real tough.

 

Feels like I can't tell which way is up.

 

Any advice and suggestions are appreciated.

[aliveagain]

Push on with the paperwork. Once she see's your serious and if she is truly remorseful you can stop the divorce process up to the final decree. Make sure she understands that any lease she signs will be her responsibility and not to expect any additional help from you. She wants to eat cake, hold your ground, either she is all in for you and the marriage( agrees to your terms) or she is not, no in between. The reality hasn't hit her yet.

[Steen719]

She is hedging her bets. It is that simple. Sorry!

[RonaldS]

My XW 'wanted' the divorce, too. But after 2.5 years of being separated, she hadn't so much as spoken to an attorney, much less drawn up paper work. Finally, I got tired of her constant back and forth, and her mixed signals, and the fact that she wasn't willing to put any effort into fixing anything.

 

So, I drew up the papers and emailed them to her. Then she got mad at me, haha.

 

This waffling is common when people either want the best of both worlds, are afraid of moving on, can't stand to think of you with another woman, two or more of those or some other issue. She will probably never pull the plug herself, but I would be surprised if she put a genuine effort into fixing anything.

 

Actions. Actions, actions, actions. That's all you need to look at. Who cares what she says. Her actions are her tell. If she's not really trying, even after you say you're ok with the divorce, them that's pretty much it.

 

Don't do what I do and stay on this roller coaster so long that you puke on yourself. Take note of her actions, and move from there. Good luck.

[george roy]

Saturday...

 

I said to her that if she's willing to work on our marriage, then so am I.

 

But some things need to change. On both our parts.

 

She kinda took that in stride. And I let it pass.

(The kids had friends over, so I didn't want it to turn into a yelling match or an argument).

 

Same behavior Saturday night.

 

Sunday morning I asked her if anything I said meant anything to her.

 

She said yes. And we stepped into the other room to talk.

 

She loves me, doesn't want this, and so on...

 

We talked more on the way to pick up some of the furniture she paid for the other day.

 

Calm talk.

 

- I'm willing to try and work on the marriage.

- Some thing need to change on both our parts.

- There needs to be a lot of honesty, especially moving forward.

- And I think we can come back stronger than before.

 

More counseling. More spending time together. Both ourselves and family time.

 

After a little bit of why each of us did this and that, she suggested a separation.

 

I can't do that.

 

1) We met under the same sort of circumstances

2) I'm not gonna 'hang out' and wait to see what happens with Mr Wonderful

3) The success rate for reconciliation after separation is around 20%

4) And it's dodging the issue

 

So she opted for a divorce.

 

I guess I need to push forward now.

 

Input and advice are always appreciated.

Edited January 20, 2014 by george roy

[RightThere]

This is very typical behavior. My STBXW is doing almost identical things.

 

Wants the divorce, but is not willing to do any of the work regarding it. You'll do the work to set things up, then she'll bail out at the last minute. Wants help finding a place of her own, but then won't follow up on any help you offer.

 

And yeah, but STBXW did the same thing of committing me to things with our daughter and other kids, then 'effing off to go do her own thing.

 

Although she's said divorce is the way to go, I'll bet she'll still drag her feet. If I were you, I would just keep pushing it ahead. Every inch you move ahead with the divorce is success.

 

And don't tell the kids until you are SURE you are going to get divorced. It's really hard on the kids if you give them a couple of false starts before actually doing it. Wait until you know that is what you are going to do. People want to be honest with their kids, but it's tough for them if you keep them up to date with all the back and forth of where the relationship is at.

[Steadfast]

George, she has another guy. The rest is just fearful babble. He probably isn't ready to commit, or she's having second thoughts, or...

 

Does it matter? She's a serial cheater, involved again. What about this situation makes you wonder anything? I took the time to read the threads you started. You want to think one thing but her actions show you truth. You might feel love and care, but you're dragging her into this speculation.

 

It's like this: when you stop dragging, she asks, "Why did you stop dragging me? I like knowing you'll be available if things don't work out."

 

You have nothing but her words. Her words are useless. No truth, no trust.

 

Time to let go George. Live and learn. Move on. Make it legal and get out.

[george roy]

George, she has another guy. The rest is just fearful babble. He probably isn't ready to commit, or she's having second thoughts, or...

 

Does it matter? She's a serial cheater, involved again. What about this situation makes you wonder anything? I took the time to read the threads you started. You want to think one thing but her actions show you truth. You might feel love and care, but you're dragging her into this speculation.

 

It's like this: when you stop dragging, she asks, "Why did you stop dragging me? I like knowing you'll be available if things don't work out."

 

You have nothing but her words. Her words are useless. No truth, no trust.

 

Time to let go George. Live and learn. Move on. Make it legal and get out.

 

I should clarify.

 

She was separated from her previous husband when we met.

Which certainly doesn't make the current situation ok. I just wanted to clear that up.

 

Yeah, Sunday was sort of my 'last ditch effort'.

 

I wanted to be able to look back and say to myself that I tried to do whatever I could.

 

I can take some solace in that.

 

I do need to find out what can be done if she continues to dodge the financial forms. They've been sitting on the dresser, untouched.

 

But for now, ever forward.

[Steadfast]

I wanted to be able to look back and say to myself that I tried to do whatever I could.

 

I can take some solace in that.

 

Yes you can. You had to. So did I. Sadly, only the one who truly loves feels this way. Accept it for what it is. There is no shame in loving someone.

 

Push on. Get legal advice on these concerns and get away from her. You can leave if there's a temporary visitation order filed with the court. The final document will be established when the divorce is signed by a judge.

 

You will have peace then. Other problems are certain but you will not be the husband of a wayward wife because you will not have a wife.

 

For now, one last piece of advice. Knowing you will be happier with respect in your life (including her respect) do not talk with her about your relationship anymore. Nothing. She isn't dumb. She knows you don't want this but your acceptance will bring her reality into a shocking light. Then perhaps, if you're lucky, you'll know the truth hiding behind her words.

 

Actions, actions, actions. Nothing else matters.

 

Keep posting. Friends are here for you.

[george roy]

Yes you can. You had to. So did I. Sadly, only the one who truly loves feels this way. Accept it for what it is. There is no shame in loving someone.

 

Push on. Get legal advice on these concerns and get away from her. You can leave if there's a temporary visitation order filed with the court. The final document will be established when the divorce is signed by a judge.

 

You will have peace then. Other problems are certain but you will not be the husband of a wayward wife because you will not have a wife.

 

For now, one last piece of advice. Knowing you will be happier with respect in your life (including her respect) do not talk with her about your relationship anymore. Nothing. She isn't dumb. She knows you don't want this but your acceptance will bring her reality into a shocking light. Then perhaps, if you're lucky, you'll know the truth hiding behind her words.

 

Actions, actions, actions. Nothing else matters.

 

Keep posting. Friends are here for you.

 

Thank you, Steadfast.

 

Sunday was an 'awakening' of sorts. The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. But Sunday presented an opportunity to talk, not so much about what's happened, but what direction we could have gone from there.

 

I can say I was prepared for the answer I got, but it still hurts when it hits.

 

I'm working on a custody schedule now. We are trying to get as close to 50/50 as possible. She came up with one, that seems to have been whipped up in less than five minutes. And it has the children with her overnight on X days, and variable weekends, etc.

 

And after looking at it more, it's basically built around her schedule.

 

It needs to be built around the CHILDREN'S schedule.

 

I'm already seeing what you mean as far as 'peace'. Even as I'm plodding through the last of the paperwork, I feel... better.

 

At this point, if she has something to say, she knows where I am.

 

Aside from that, ever forward.