Author BHA Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 OP, ignore our advice as you like. You will be the one coming back heartbroken because you couldn't cut the ties. You broke up. Why continue to torture yourself being with her in a fashion other than her bf? because i want to show her i have changed for the good, i am back to the man she fell in love with and she wont be able to see that unless we are in contact? also she is hinting at getting back together. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 because i want to show her i have changed for the good, i am back to the man she fell in love with and she wont be able to see that unless we are in contact? also she is hinting at getting back together. So she dumped you. It's up to her to want to get back together. But she doesn't. She strings you along. That's solely for her benefit, not your's. Her hinting at getting back together is breadcrumbs to keep stringing you along. You show her you're a better man by not buying her brand of bs and moving on with your life. Our advice is consistent in this. Will it be easy? No sir, it will be very hard. And you have our sympathies in this regard. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 because i want to show her i have changed for the good, i am back to the man she fell in love with and she wont be able to see that unless we are in contact? also she is hinting at getting back together. You haven't changed though. You just broke up -- real change takes time. Knee-jerk change isn't change, and even if you got her back, it wouldn't last because you'd be going back to the same flawed relationship that broke. And honestly, even if you did change, how the hell is she going to notice if she sees you regularly? Taking a break from contact (like months) would make a hell of a lot more of an impact as far as her noticing a change than if you are in regular contact. Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Op you are still not getting it. You don't want to see her for ten days because you want her to miss you. It's that mindset that will get you screwed. It's a bu. You guys are through. The mindset should be; ok time to move on. If you truly start to move she will see it and if she has any feelings for you she will let you know clearly. You don't have to show her anything. Just accept it is over. The man she fell for was not in love with her. He just liked her. It's the expression of the love you now feel that got you into this. So until you can become the guy that just likes her. You will get nowhere. The only way you can become that guy is to start to heal by moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 How Do I Change My Ex?s Mind and Heart? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng this is basically my story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 Op you are still not getting it. You don't want to see her for ten days because you want her to miss you. It's that mindset that will get you screwed. It's a bu. You guys are through. The mindset should be; ok time to move on. If you truly start to move she will see it and if she has any feelings for you she will let you know clearly. You don't have to show her anything. Just accept it is over. The man she fell for was not in love with her. He just liked her. It's the expression of the love you now feel that got you into this. So until you can become the guy that just likes her. You will get nowhere. The only way you can become that guy is to start to heal by moving on. the man she fell for is in love with her and always will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 i dont contact her, she contacts me and i dont reply all the time, im not always there when she pleases. This sounds a lot like my situation last year. I broke up with my gf in March. About 3 weeks later she started to contact me, stating she missed me, I was her best friend, she needed me in her life, etc. We met, a lot, ALL initiated by her. We had sex, a lot, too. At the end of each meet up she would say she needed more time to work on herself, figure things out, which was fine for me as I was not ready to start dating her again. In between meet ups she would text me a lot, telling me the changes she was making in her life, how she was feeling, etc. She would say she was afraid she would lose me while she worked on herself, but, she knew she had self work to do. Finally, in late Augusat I told her we had to go full NC. She did not want to initally, though she finally agreed. 90 days later she texted me to meet for dinnner. At dinner she said she was ready and wanted to try again. Our situations are a little different as I was not trying to get her back at all. The advice folks are giving you here is spot on. I think all you can do is tell her how YOU feel, what YOU want, what YOU will do to change, then, tell her to take all the time SHE needs to figure these out for herself, on her own, not with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 i want her back, but im not really trying too get her back im just spending time with her. ill take the advice on board. Link to post Share on other sites
pbgunz35 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Im going through the same situation right now and I agree its hard to not talk to them or do NC I thought NC was not for me but I feel if I'm always there she will never have time to miss me and Babalot THANK YOU your last post helped me a lot by telling her what I want and how I am changing and etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 If you are looking for advice that will only validate what you wont get anywhere. The way I see this, plain and simple- you should not have to 'win' someones love back, or speed the process up etc etc, that is not love. You shouldn't have to force it, it isn't a game. When things are mutual there isn't this problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 do any of you think it would be a good idea bringing up what i did wrong in the relationship? if she brings up the whole relationship conversation first Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 do any of you think it would be a good idea bringing up what i did wrong in the relationship? if she brings up the whole relationship conversation first It'd be a great idea to stop talking to her for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 i began seeing my ex again, we have been broken up about 7 and a half weeks now. we have been kissing, having sex, kind of acting like a couple. i mentioned yesterday "do you think we will end up together?" and she said "lets just go with the flow for now, its all we can do" is there anything i can do in this situation? i want her back and i am giving her lots of space, i let her initiate all contact. she wants to get married and have kids someday but isnt sure if now is the right time to get back together. advice please? please dont tell me to go NC and all of that. it wont work with this girl i will just end up loosing her forever. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 what is the background? who broke up? why? ect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 We need to know the answers to the questions above. In addition, Was there any period of No Contact between the BU and now? My thought is the following. 1) She wants you back, but is afraid to trust you again (if you broke up with her). So, she's testing the waters without putting a title to it. She doesn't want to jump back into it in fear that you will break up again. -or- 2) She is using this as a way to use you as a rebound...she can't handle the void the breakup has caused, so you two remain to act like a couple because she can't get over the void that would be missing. So, she's single, but you're there for her to fill the void, until someone else comes along, then she'll jump the "rebound" from you, to this new guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 we were together for 9 months, it got messy as we both moved city and i had no accomodation for a while so i had to stay with her leading to fights, me being clingy, needy, im a jealous person but looking back i had nothing to be jealous of yet i was still jealous, basically i made alot of mistakes leading to her breaking up with me. i know exactly what i done wrong. we were madly in love but naturally your not going to stay in a relationship where there were common fights. if i got her back i know how i would keep her, by being myself, who i am right now. i think she is scared it will go back to how it was. Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 we were together for 9 months, it got messy as we both moved city and i had no accomodation for a while so i had to stay with her leading to fights, me being clingy, needy, im a jealous person but looking back i had nothing to be jealous of yet i was still jealous, basically i made alot of mistakes leading to her breaking up with me. i know exactly what i done wrong. we were madly in love but naturally your not going to stay in a relationship where there were common fights. if i got her back i know how i would keep her, by being myself, who i am right now. i think she is scared it will go back to how it was. You need to show her that it won't go back to the way it was. She has to warm up to this "new you". You have to show her the changes you've made. 7 weeks isn't a lot of time to make a significant change I feel, so you have to let her play this one out, while you show her you are not the same as you once were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 i agree its not alot of time to change but i honestly know myself i have changed, i was going through a phase of just being a needy boyfriend and i dont know why. i suppose ill just have to let it play out. any other advice? Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 i agree its not alot of time to change but i honestly know myself i have changed, i was going through a phase of just being a needy boyfriend and i dont know why. i suppose ill just have to let it play out. any other advice? Pretty much just keep doing what you're doing. Don't force anything. She has to come to the realization that you arent being clingy, jealous (all things in first post), by herself. When she feels comfortable that you're making steps in the right direction is when she will hopefully want to make things official. Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I think you being on here asking these types of questions tells a lot about where you are at. There is still a lot of neediness. From what you have said she likes you, but she doesn't feel the same. You are the underdog. I would back right of and what for her to initiate something more. If she doesn't, go find someone that really does like you. Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I think you being on here asking these types of questions tells a lot about where you are at. There is still a lot of neediness. From what you have said she likes you, but she doesn't feel the same. You are the underdog. I would back right of and what for her to initiate something more. If she doesn't, go find someone that really does like you. Yeah, start making yourself not as available. Show you're your changing when you do see her and hang out, but there needs to be some attractiveness still there. If you're there all the time, there is nothing left to be desired. Make yourself unavailable more, she'll realize that you aren't putting her first in your life and that thought of being needy will decline. Look up "The Passion Paradox". Buy it or read a summary. I was there. I read 30 pages of it then never picked it back up...not because it wasn't interesting, but because I felt like I got the point of what the book was trying to convey. She's the "1-up", you're the "1-down". You have to make yourself the "shinier object" so she wants you...she knows you want her - pull back a little. Keep her on her heals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iworthmore Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 after asking her about second chance for you 2 u confirmed how granted you are. unlike you, she's calm. she knows someone is waiting for her. the point here is to show her that you love her but don't need her. how can it be done?? u must be truly loving her but don't need her. its not easy done, like the former answer said. u shouldnt be soo available. i think the thing that can help u the most is starting accepting the fact that she's not coming back. that will make u less confused during this period. think of what things made her fall in love with you, get those things back. focus on creating good experiences with her, create new memories. try not to be an actor, she will find out. find the balance between showing her u love her and that you dont need her in ur life, which both r different things. u were needy its time to show some confidence, some bigger plans than having her in ur life, some huge decision that might take u away and take all ur time ( stating a business, going for far college, traveling the world). there r things much funnier than her. good luck mate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 You haven't changed. She told you go with the flow but you're still jumping up and down like an excited chihuahua. You're probably still needy and clingy, the fact you can't even contemplate letting her go because you think you'll lose her "forever" is a big tell. The clue is you are still broken up. What you think is going to happen is irrelevant. She wont commit to you for a reason. She's speaking plainly and you need to listen because at the moment she is not committed to you and can walk away at any time. The question you've got to ask yourself is, if it happens, a) can you do the same? b) and how devastated would you be and instantly try to win her back, beg and plead? Why do I ask this? Because she has detached from you, she's severed the cord. You are no longer in a relationship. Technically you are not together so if someone else comes along, she wont be cheating will she? And let me guess? When she calls to "hang out", you never turn her down because you're afraid if you say no you'll "lose her forever", so she's got you dangling off her little string. So if that is the case, no, you definitely haven't changed. Use this time to show her, you can be fine on your own, work on yourself, start your own detachment, try to grow as a person and a man, show her you are not needy. I wish you luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 The advice is the same as it was in the last thread. Of course, you'll probably ignore that as well. You are way too available and you haven't changed at all. You're the same needy guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHA Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 yes i understand that we are not together so technically she can do what she wants and i have to accept that. i just need to be who she fell in love with in order for her to want to be with me again i suppose? turning down hanging out would be a start the odd time? thing is we dont hang out that often. so any chance i get i tend to take it Link to post Share on other sites
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