How can I learn to love myself?

[MrNobody1]

This started off as a question on how to reconcile with my brother, and then I changed my mind:

 

My family was abusive growing up. My mother was verbally abusive and physically abusive until I was too big for her to beat me. My father was physically abusive all the way up till I was 16/17 and then I became too big for him to beat me too. My brother was both physically and verbally abusive.

They made me feel terrible. My mother would say things like "I never wanted to have you," "You're worst than dirt", "you're garbage" "you're the devil", etc...

My father would go into rages and enter my room and beat me senseless until his anger ran out. He would always find a reason for it, and it was always something small like not doing my homework, or arguing.

After the beating, my father would give me the silent treatment for days or weeks, depending on how bad it was, to make me feel like it was my fault. And I believed it, for the longest time. I believed that everything was my fault, that I deserved it. I still do, to some extent.

My mother was behind him all the way. She believed I deserved it. She told me she did it because she loved me. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't say the things she did. If my father didn't love me, he wouldn't beat me.

My brother used to beat me and my Mom would watch it happen and give me a look of disgust that says "You deserve it". When it would go on for too long, she would tell him to stop, she would tell him that I've learned my lesson.

My mother treated me worse than my brother. I always had to be like my brother. He was the better version of me. I always had to become someone I could never really become, because what they wanted out of me was not for me to be better, but for me to not be happy with who I was. Both my parents were last children, and both were mistreated more than their siblings because of it. I feel, to some extent, that they saw themselves in me. They hated to see the person that they once were, and so they projected.

They've tried reconciling. They've given half-assed apologies that involved "I'm sorry but it was never my intention to hurt you." "I did the best that I could." - which leaves me thinking, "then whose fault is it?"

We're on 'good terms' now, but not really. I still deeply despise them, but they don't know it. They're so intent on getting to know me and staying in contact, I think because now they realize that they cannot abuse me without consequence. It seems unfair, that I had to go through 18 years of abuse, and then somehow everything is supposed to be forgotten. It's appalling that they can just act like nothing happened, like everything's OK. I hate them. I hate the fact that they still don't see that what they did was wrong. I hate the fact that they can't see how badly they've affected me. I hate the fact that they could do this and act like everything's OK. Home felt like a prison. I felt fear, and helplessness. I felt like I had no control, and no identity. I felt like I was worth nothing, and I still feel like I'm worth nothing. I can't look into people's eyes because I don't feel worthy.

I've thought about killing myself several times, and I think I've gotten through the worst of it. I know I want to live, I'm just having a hard time finding a reason.

 

After writing this, I'm baffled as to why I would ever want to reconcile with my brother. We've tried talking before. I've tried relating to him, and all it ever ends in is a beating. The last time we 'talked', we were on good terms for about a week, and then we really talked. He told me that "it's my fault." He told me I need to "fix myself." "We never abused you. That's complete bull****."

The time before that, he kneed me in the face. The time before that he punched me in the face and chipped 3 teeth.

 

I feel trapped because nothing I ever do gets through to them. They're impervious to change. They still have the deep-rooted mentality that they are better than me, and I will always be inferior. My brother will always be better than me. The last time I was with my family, my brother and I had a fight. My parents were both on his side. They tried to defend his actions. They told me, "Brothers fight. It happens."

 

I'm confused because I need a family, but the only family I have is unable to see me as an equal. They take me for granted. They take my love for granted. They think that I will love them unconditionally and always, and yet they don't GIVE unconditional love. All this tells me is that they really don't love me. They hate themselves too much to really love me. They hate their inner child that they see in me, so they will never be able to love me, because they can't love themselves.

 

I guess the only thing I can do is to learn to love myself?

Edited January 19, 2014 by MrNobody1

[Still-I-Rise]

I am so very sorry for all you endured from those who are supposed to love you.

 

The level of abuse you describe is aborrhently excessive and never should have happened.

 

Your take on one of the reasons your parents abuse(d) you - hating their inner child - is unfortunately the reason why people who were abused, abuse. Self-hatred.

 

I come from an extremely abusive background - both physically and verbally. The silent treatment...the blame...not being able to undress for gym because of bruises some days...I am remember.

 

What I recommend is you get help right now. Look for counseling centers, groups for victims of abuse, etc. You must save yourself and your inner child no matter your current age.

 

The emotional concessions necessary to endure such abuse can take a toll far beyond what you are already experiencing if you don't get help.

 

I applaud you for having the intelligence to recognize what is happening with you as well as your family. And I'm glad you recognize their reasons don't excuse their behavior.

 

I suffered suicidal ideation for many years but thankfully never acted on it. There was a therapist who once told me I didn't want to kill myself, I wanted to stop the pain. And she was right. I've learned there are other ways to stop extreme emotional pain.

 

Please remember you did not deserve any of the abuse that happened to you. You are not to carry the burden of their guilt nor make excuses for them.

You don't have to endure abuse for the sake of having family.

 

It is time for you to act now and give yourself a chance to heal from the pain of abuse.

 

It will be easier to love yourself as you heal and truly believe/accept you have done nothing wrong. Nor did you deserve such harsh abusive treatment.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

http://www.victimsofcrime.org/help-for-crime-victims/national-hotlines-and-helpful-links

Edited January 19, 2014 by Still-I-Rise

[894hjk]

U r as happy as the people u surround yourself with. Ditch the lot of them and focus on starting your own family, find a girlfriend and have your own love ones and don't let history repeat itself.

[Allumere]

I too am sorry that you were treated to all those years of evil...

 

I don't know how old you are now but my initial thought is to love yourself you need to put you first. Forgive your family and walk away completely. Spending countless hours, days and years trying to understand the actions of other or to convince them of the impact of their actions is useless. Until you do, these people will continue control all aspects of your life whether actively or not.

 

You can choose to let them be weights that drag you down and cause you to miss out on life or you can cut the weight and start to live.

 

If you are religious at all, you may find comfort in leaning on your faith and that community. If you have something you really enjoy doing, then pursue it with passion and see where it leads you.

 

You have worth and value for being uniquely and the only one "you". Embrace that!

[MrNobody1]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Yea, I've figured that I should try to let them loose, but letting your family loose isn't easy, especially in a world where everyone likes to say, "But they're your family." Even my close friends have told me that I should make more of an effort to reconcile with my family, and they know what I've been through. I do have a problem with finding the wrong friends, though, and this, again, has a lot to do with the relationships I had growing up as a child.

 

I think I need to focus on myself and the first step is really acknowledging the idea that "it wasn't my fault." It's hard, because, for all these years, all I've ever told myself was that it was my fault. I can consciously tell myself that it wasn't my fault, but I know subconsciously I still register their actions as 'justified', or I think, in some way, that it must have been my fault because why would they act the way they did. Maybe if I was a better child they would have treated me better? Why did they treat my brother better than me? A big part of me still believes that I'm just a bad person.

 

I'm 22 now and I just finished college. The sad thing is is that my parents financed me throughout college. The one thing they've done for me is support me financially. I guess it's their way of justifying their inability to support me in any other aspect. They come from a culture where as long as you are able to support your child financially, then you're considered a good parent.

 

I'm finding a job right now, and I think that once I get financial independence and stability I will finally be able to progress on a personal level because I will not need them in any way. At that point, I can either ditch them completely, or make it clear to them that the only way I will continue talking to them is if they're willing to change.

 

@getting a girlfriend. I've never had a girlfriend, nor have I had sex with anyone. I'm honestly afraid of women because the one woman I really knew growing up terrified me so much on so many levels. I've had quite a few girls show interest in me, but I only noticed the signals months or even years later because I've always thought that no girl would ever be interested in me, that I'm just not worthy enough to be in a relationship.

I also have a very hard time, especially recently, just talking to people in general. Simple things, like maintaining eye contact are really hard for me. I try to avoid social interaction as much as possible. I have almost no friends anymore, and only a couple of good friends who I've remained in contact with. I'll act stand offish or snobbish without meaning to, simply because I'm afraid of people or I'm afraid that they won't like me, and then they end up not liking me because they think I'm a snob.

 

I used to hate myself for being this way, for not being more social, or more happy... There was this voice in my head that used to say, "Just shutup and deal with it," or, "stop being depressed, just be happy." However I realize that it's OK to be the way I am and that there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with being cautious, or afraid, because it's only normal.

[bostonterrier]

If you enjoy reading then you should start reading books about psychology and self help, one book that I recommend for you to start is how to stop worrying and start living by Dale Carnegie.