Separated but share mom/pop business, can't NC

[BizPartnerSTBXW]

Hello all….I'm new to this forum. Well I've been reading it a while, but have just now registered.

 

My FXHB I believe basically is in an MLC (all the cliche's apply, and yes there was a women 20 years younger that set this off - altho she doesn't live where we do, so that is over, as far as I know, but he's on the prowl already for more like her).

 

We've been separated for 16 months now, 2 residences and he's said he's done with the marriage 5 months ago, will no longer try. He hasn't said D yet, but I know he's dating (young girls) and it's coming.

 

My problem is we run a very successful Mom and Pop style of business, where it's just been the 2 of us running it daily for many many years (and we're very known as it's beloved founders and operators). This means no matter what, we have to talk almost daily, at least about business. But because the business is intertwined so deeply with our personal lives, conversations and interactions devolve into more friction and a further divide. I tried and tried (and tried) to save the marriage, but any of you who read these threads know about how well that works with 1) only one person who wants to save it and 2) an MLC (which comes with irrational behavior).

 

Neither of us wants to lose the business, we both love it beyond belief. But I'm suffering so much…. the contact brings up more feelings of attachment and pain every time. It's easier for him because he's the one who has chosen to leave the marriage. But I know the constant contact is keeping me holding on, and misreading his actions in false hope, and preventing me from healing - and more importantly, moving on.

 

But we killed ourselves for this business and it finally became what we dreamed of... and we just can't let it go, I know neither of us will, we get more out of it emotionally than even financially.

 

But I'm just feeling so stuck, trapped, and the contact keeps those feelings coming back, where I feel like i'm at stage one over and over again, crying and depressed…. And of course working with him has affected my productivity, which has been awful since the discovery of the affair and then all the "trying to work it out" - which his heart was never in, then the final break up.

 

Any ideas what to do? I read over and over NC is critical in healing, but this is a business we have to communicate about with almost every day, at least once to a few times a day.

 

And I want to be his friend, so the business still feels good…and not cold, losing it's joy. I feel like I've suffered loss after loss and just can't take more…

 

Is trying to be his friend unreasonable? Is working with him gonna make my healing process take so much longer than others? It feels like i can't heal due to this. Ugh.

 

Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated! Anyone else been through this?

 

NOTE: And to all of you going through, or having gone thru separation or D…my heart is with you beyond belief. I'm another person out there, who has never met you, who truly does care and feels for what you are going through. Who has probably gone through much of the same.

[Ronni_W]

I read over and over NC is critical in healing

No NC is not critical...it just is a really useful tool/strategy to help create needed emotional distance. But even then it still takes the mental discipline, determination to actually "get over and move on".

 

I feel for you in your situation. But your self-talk is not helping you deal with its reality. Sort of. Start putting it in your head that he is just your business partner nothing more. Start telling yourself that every contact has nothing at all to do with marriage, a husband, a divorce, an ex-husband...it is all just about successfully keeping and running a business and making it more successful.

 

It is not unreasonable to have a friendly relationship with a business partner...but in this case you do need to be sure to properly define that "friendship" for yourself. There can't be any expectations outside of what will be appropriate to have with any other business partner, one who has a full, happy life outside of the business.

 

It's tough. Big hugs.

[BizPartnerSTBXW]

Ronni_W Thank you for your time and your thoughtful reply.

 

You are right… so hard to change your whole way of thinking…we don't have children so we always called the business our "baby"…which made all this worse. But you are totally right, I'm gonna have to just frame it all differently, the way you recommended, or the hurt will never being any less I imagine. I'm gonna have to just change the self-talk over and over till it sticks.

 

I've read it a thousand times…yet here I am saying it: I never thought I'd be dealing with any of this. But none of us on this forum did.

 

Can't tell you how much I appreciate your response and the support. It feels very lonely and this really helps. Thank you again.

[SolG]

Have you thought of exit counselling together? A form of couples counselling that aims to help a couple to focus on the issues surrounding their relationship and it's breakdown and transitioning respectfully to their new context. As a coparenting team, or in your case as continuing business partners.

 

We looked into it when my xH and I separated but we ultimately didn't use it. But I do know other couples who did who found it enormously helpful to understand the genesis of where they found themselves and then move forward. Have you had the opportunity to truly work through the affair and his MLC? Do you truly understand what went wrong, and does he truly understand your hurt and his role in it? It can be really helpful to work through all this type of stuff together and put your marriage properly to bed as it were.

 

I don't believe in NC for separating/divorcing couples with an extensive shared history and an entwined future. I believe in forming New Contact (respectful, amicable, and caring) to go with the new context.

 

Good luck OP!

[SnapCracklePop]

Do you honestly feel that you two can be friends and/or business partners in a healthy way? Would doing so put any future relationships at risk?

 

Counselling might help with day to day communications, but too much counselling can also lead to more arguments (from my experience)..

 

Do you both need to be at the business every day or every part of the day? You might be able to split up the shifts so that only one of you is there at a time, and you only meet on occasion to take care of the numbers and other managerial things.

 

Having a business partner is a good thing for a business owner, but it has to be someone you can trust and that you can work with, otherwise the business will suffer. If you are not able to work together yet still want to keep the business, you might have to think of some other ways to run things.