Is it possible I'm emotionally detached from everyone?

[lilo9569]

**disclaimer** This post is meant as more of a rant for me to gather my internal reflection/observations in one place to better understand why I think/act the way I do, but any insight, advice, or even similar anecdotes are always appreciated. **

 

I've noticed for quite some time now that I don't like opening up my more personal details to people. My last relationship ended partly, I think, because I couldn't bring myself to tell my at-the-time boyfriend what was bothering me. It was like, once I felt like I was a little less of a priority for him, I just kind of closed off. I also could never connect with my mother, or even with my close friends. I love them all a lot, but the moment things get emotional or affectionate, I have to leave the room, it just feels like it's too much, and I feel something similar to suffocation. I've never had a relationship that made me feel like it could last forever. I've never even pictured a wedding for myself (like most girls apparently do?), because it feels so unrealistic to think that way. I know, if something goes wrong, whether at work, school, or just in life, I'm the first to assume it's my fault, whether or not that makes sense in the situation. I've tried to bring myself to talk to someone, or anyone about it, but it honestly just feels silly. I know there are studies that show girls who grow up without involved parents tend to be a little off, emotionally. I didn't have a father in my life after I was 9, and before I was 9, he was more of a burden than anything. My mother loves me, I know, but she's such an emotional and financial burden on me, and she wasn't always there when I was a kid; she actually tried to commit suicide when I was in middle school. I'm 22, and I feel like these things shouldn't be a real problem, but I can't figure a way around the way I behave emotionally toward others.

 

I've read a couple articles about emotional detachment, and that's what it sounds like to me, but I didn't think that was a real disorder, so to speak. And even if it is real, I'm not sure how to go about fixing it.

 

**end rant**

[Grumpybutfun]

This is clearly your coping mechanism. Don't get attached because people who are supposed to care for you leave or die in the end. The traumatic exit of your father with the suicide of your mother closed of a trusting aspect of yourself. In essence, they both left you. They both decided that being away from you was more rewarding than being with you so in your little child mind in you realized that no one can be trusted and no one stays so don't get attached and under no circumstances, don't care.

You were abandoned, not only by your father, but ultimately and in a finite way, your mother. I am not surprised you can't attach.

Do you find yourself dissociating? Losing bits of time and memory? Living in your daydreams? You were severely neglected as a child so you may regress into your own thoughts and mind in order to cope.

There are probably other ways your child neglect is rearing it's ugly head. It might be worth it to see a counselor who deals with abandonment and attachment issues.

Best,

Grumps

[lilo9569]

This is clearly your coping mechanism. Don't get attached because people who are supposed to care for you leave or die in the end. The traumatic exit of your father with the suicide of your mother closed of a trusting aspect of yourself. In essence, they both left you. They both decided that being away from you was more rewarding than being with you so in your little child mind in you realized that no one can be trusted and no one stays so don't get attached and under no circumstances, don't care.

You were abandoned, not only by your father, but ultimately and in a finite way, your mother. I am not surprised you can't attach.

Do you find yourself dissociating? Losing bits of time and memory? Living in your daydreams? You were severely neglected as a child so you may regress into your own thoughts and mind in order to cope.

There are probably other ways your child neglect is rearing it's ugly head. It might be worth it to see a counselor who deals with abandonment and attachment issues.

Best,

Grumps

 

My mother didn't actually kill herself. She tried to, but was admitted to the hospital and was healed, so to speak... But the "no one stays forever" is a logic I have always believed in. It just seems unrealistic to think that anyone will stay with you forever, whether a lover, friend, family member, etc...

[Grumpybutfun]

My apologies, I misread about your mother. However, it still must make you think that she didn't want to stay if she tried to commit suicide. What your father did was enough to convince the child you were that people don't stay so don't expect it.

Naturally, you must logically see that many people stay with the same person until death so does it apply to everyone or just you?

G

[lilo9569]

My apologies, I misread about your mother. However, it still must make you think that she didn't want to stay if she tried to commit suicide. What your father did was enough to convince the child you were that people don't stay so don't expect it.

Naturally, you must logically see that many people stay with the same person until death so does it apply to everyone or just you?

G

 

I'm not sure. I've yet to meet anyone that this applies to, so I guess for the sake of the argument, I think that applies to most people, but I don't understand how people convince themselves to believe otherwise...

[Grumpybutfun]

The issue is that the relationships we have in life is what gives it meaning beyond our personal dreams and careers. If you want to have a quality of life where you can form relationships, you have to let go of limiting ideologies. Perhaps you haven't seen any old people who have marriages or children who bury their parents or husbands and wives who bury each other, but it is all around you. Maybe you only see the dysfunctional because that is what gives you comfort to continue your views and therefore gives you permission to keep people away from you. Denial is powerful in people who have dealt with childhood traumas.

G

[Downtown]

Do you find yourself dissociating? Losing bits of time and memory? Living in your daydreams?

Lilo, if you feel comfortable doing so, please answer these questions that Grumps asked. The answers could be very useful and insightful. It also may be helpful to know whether you experience "black-white thinking," wherein you tend to categorize everyone (including yourself) as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.

[lilo9569]

Lilo, if you feel comfortable doing so, please answer these questions that Grumps asked. The answers could be very useful and insightful. It also may be helpful to know whether you experience "black-white thinking," wherein you tend to categorize everyone (including yourself) as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.

 

 

I suppose the answer to all of those is yes, though to differing degrees. That being said, I don't believe I see people as black or white. I'm aware that there is a very wide spectrum of characteristics that people can possess, and there is no such thing as a person who is all good or all bad. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, good qualities and bad qualities.

[Downtown]

In what ways do you experience the dissociation that Grumps mentioned? For example, do you ever have the feeling you are outside your body or that you are listening to your own voice speak?

 

And what do you mean by statement, "the moment things get emotional or affectionate, I have to leave the room, it just feels like it's too much, and I feel something similar to suffocation." You may be describing what's usually called "engulfment." If so, you would have the feeling -- during intimacy (not just sex, but true intimacy) -- that you are losing your identity into the other person, that you are evaporating into thin air, or that you are being controlled by that person.

[lilo9569]

In what ways do you experience the dissociation that Grumps mentioned? For example, do you ever have the feeling you are outside your body or that you are listening to your own voice speak?

 

And what do you mean by statement, "the moment things get emotional or affectionate, I have to leave the room, it just feels like it's too much, and I feel something similar to suffocation." You may be describing what's usually called "engulfment." If so, you would have the feeling -- during intimacy (not just sex, but true intimacy) -- that you are losing your identity into the other person, that you are evaporating into thin air, or that you are being controlled by that person.

 

The dissociation that I can recall specifically is more a weird sense of not knowing the person next to me, usually with a significant other (or someone very close to me). Like, looking at their face and being like "I've known this person for such a long time, but their face and personality suddenly feel completely unfamiliar".

 

I don't think I ever feel like I'm being controlled, evaporating or losing my identity to anyone. I guess a specific example would be: a few months ago my mom was crying because she was really stressed, and I felt really bad and wanted to somehow comfort her, but I suddenly just kind of shut down. All I could do was watch, and sit patiently, and I couldn't hug her or find words to make her feel better. All I could think of were logical/rational things to say, but those wouldn't have made her feel any better. The only thing I felt was an awkwardness of not wanting her to be sad, but not wanting to be there at that moment, either. It is overwhelming, but it's not that I feel engulfed or anything. I just kind of stop thinking with my emotions, and my logic kicks in, instead. If that makes any sense.

 

As an added note, I have noticed that I have that kind of reaction more often with my mother than with anyone else. It happens sometimes with some of my relatives, but usually with her.

Edited January 20, 2014 by lilo9569

[Downtown]

Lilo, the questions by Grumps and me were intended to determine what you mean by the term, "emotional detachment." It commonly is used by therapists in two different ways. The first way refers to an inability to emotionally connect with other people. This use of the term is often described as dissociation, depersonalization, or "emotional numbing." This is why Grumps asked about any experiences you've had with dissociation.

 

In the second sense, "emotional detachment" is a decision to avoid engaging emotional connections, rather than an inability or difficulty in doing so. This decision to avoid engaging usually is done for personal, social, or other reasons. In this sense, the detachment can be a sign of mental health because it can allow people to maintain boundaries, psychic integrity and avoid undesired impact by or upon others, related to emotional demands.

 

Based on what you've said, I believe you're talking about detachment in this second sense. This could explain, then, why you say your emotional detachment occurs "more often with my mother than with anyone else." Significantly, your mother has been causing you so much emotional and financial stress that it is not surprising your are enforcing strong personal boundaries to preserve your health, if not your sanity.

The dissociation that I can recall specifically is more a weird sense of not knowing the person next to me, usually with a significant other (or someone very close to me). Like, looking at their face and being like "I've known this person for such a long time, but their face and personality suddenly feel completely unfamiliar."

That doesn't sound like dissociation to me. Rather, it sounds more like a lack of "object constancy," i.e., an inability to remember that people (or objects) are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.

 

Having a strong sense of object constancy is important for the success of all close LTRs. This is why I asked earlier "whether you experience 'black-white thinking,' wherein you tend to categorize everyone (including yourself) as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction." I'm afraid your vague answer to my question ("yes, though to varying degrees") casts no light on this issue. Perhaps you would like to elaborate.