When in NC, how do you fight the urge...

[Popsicle]

To let your exAP know that it's not that you don't care about them that you are not in contact? How do you fight the guilt and resist the urge to reassure them that you do still care about them during your silence?

[RickFox]

you're in no contact for a reason, what is that reason? remind yourself why and ask yourself does it really matter if they know you care. It doesn't accomplish anything. focus on something else and learn how to take they focus off them and put it in you

[Goodbye]

Write down ALL the reasons why you've gone NC. Keep the list with you at all times.

[Popsicle]

I can not reply right away because my posts are being moderated for the next 2 weeks, so I apologize for the delay but thank you.

 

you're in no contact for a reason, what is that reason? remind yourself why and ask yourself does it really matter if they know you care. It doesn't accomplish anything. focus on something else and learn how to take they focus off them and put it in you

 

I feel like it matters and they do care, but I was just wondering how others override these feelings.

 

Write down ALL the reasons why you've gone NC. Keep the list with you at all times.

 

Yes, that's a good idea. I have never written anything down like that.

[MissBee]

To let your exAP know that it's not that you don't care about them that you are not in contact? How do you fight the guilt and resist the urge to reassure them that you do still care about them during your silence?

 

Why do you need them to know you care?

 

Especially if NC was explained before you started, they are very much aware that you don't hate them but you need to do this for you.

 

What helped me was reminding myself of the realities: they are not dying without me, as much as I have convinced myself that they are, one "I care" message will only open the floodgates to more, they know I care and know darn well why I need to do this, it's actually not at all about THEM anymore, but me.

 

Thinking in those ways helped me.

[carhill]

To let your exAP know that it's not that you don't care about them that you are not in contact? How do you fight the guilt and resist the urge to reassure them that you do still care about them during your silence?

Ha, ironically I recall that 'my way', immersing myself into an essentially exhausting training and work schedule, would ultimately break NC a couple years later, as my training rides, unbeknownst to me, ended up going right past the location of the new job the MW had taken in the interim and we would 'run into each other' purely by happenstance one day. That chance encounter would begin the final chapter in our long 'thing' and later NC worked far better, for about 14 years anyway.

 

So, from life experience, both then and much later, I found that focusing on other aspects of life and having a well-rounded lifestyle goes a long way to forestalling thoughts of 'what if' or thoughts about the A in general. In addition, accepting that feelings/memories will pop up on occasion, or be triggered by random events, and viewing those occurrences as normal and transitory, helped to process back to a neutral NC perspective. Easy? Nah, not easy. The healthiest things in life are rarely easy. Good luck.

[Popsicle]

Why do you need them to know you care?

 

Especially if NC was explained before you started, they are very much aware that you don't hate them but you need to do this for you.

 

What helped me was reminding myself of the realities: they are not dying without me, as much as I have convinced myself that they are, one "I care" message will only open the floodgates to more, they know I care and know darn well why I need to do this, it's actually not at all about THEM anymore, but me.

 

Thinking in those ways helped me.

 

 

I see. (for the record, the NC was not explained in my case. there as a lot left unsaid)

[Popsicle]

Ha, ironically I recall that 'my way', immersing myself into an essentially exhausting training and work schedule, would ultimately break NC a couple years later, as my training rides, unbeknownst to me, ended up going right past the location of the new job the MW had taken in the interim and we would 'run into each other' purely by happenstance one day. That chance encounter would begin the final chapter in our long 'thing' and later NC worked far better, for about 14 years anyway.

 

So, from life experience, both then and much later, I found that focusing on other aspects of life and having a well-rounded lifestyle goes a long way to forestalling thoughts of 'what if' or thoughts about the A in general. In addition, accepting that feelings/memories will pop up on occasion, or be triggered by random events, and viewing those occurrences as normal and transitory, helped to process back to a neutral NC perspective. Easy? Nah, not easy. The healthiest things in life are rarely easy. Good luck.

 

Thanks, this is very helpful.

[Got it]

To let your exAP know that it's not that you don't care about them that you are not in contact? How do you fight the guilt and resist the urge to reassure them that you do still care about them during your silence?

 

Because the words ring hollow with no action behind it. So, so what you care if it doesn't mean you are going to work to be with them. It is a short term lift with a long term plunge because nothing changes.

 

The most loving thing you can do is stay transparent with your actions and words. You can't alleviate your guilt on this. That is yours to own. Journal about it and figure out what may be tied to it. Why do you want to communicate? What do you want to say? Why do you want to say it? What do you want after you say it?

 

For myself, when I want to do, say, etc. anything I always follow up with .. . "and then what?". And then what will happen. And if there isn't something positive/impactful after it is said or done then it probably isn't worth doing.

 

So sit with the feeling and see what bubbles up.

[Snipercatt]

Who initiated the NC?

[Snipercatt]

If you initiated NC, hopefully it was to give you perspective. If AP inituated it then you should respect it.

 

How do you fight the urge? Control your thinking, don't obsess, post here, journsl and fill your mind, and time, with activitues to distract you.

[whatatangledweb]

To let your exAP know that it's not that you don't care about them that you are not in contact? How do you fight the guilt and resist the urge to reassure them that you do still care about them during your silence?

 

Do you feel the urge because you need to know he still cares for you ? That it is very important for you to know? Meaning are you projecting what you need on to him ? I ask this because I find myself doing this.

[hippetyhop]

Do you feel the urge because you need to know he still cares for you ? That it is very important for you to know? Meaning are you projecting what you need on to him ? I ask this because I find myself doing this.

 

I find myself doing this as well.... but why add more heartache to the mess. What good can come from "I care about you..but".

 

Its best not to know if they really care.

[Popsicle]

Who initiated the NC?

 

I did. I never really explained myself and I guess I worry that he thinks the wrong things. I know it's probably best just to let him think whatever. It's just hard but I will resist the urge.

[Popsicle]

I think about him daily still. NC was initiated by me.

[RickFox]

I think about him daily still. NC was initiated by me.

 

Talk to my xap, she'll tell you how not to give a flying load of crap

[txgrl]

When an A ends , there's ALWAYS something more to be said or asked or explained .... Or atleast it seems that way . Give me one AP here who feels they found closure at the time NC was put in place .

 

I think closure comes with time, NC and your willingness to let go of sonething that was unhealthy for all involved.

[txgrl]

Maybe she does care and just did what she thought made the most sense at the time .

Dude, on a side note, how the hell did u get by 2-3 hours if sleep? I'd stop functioning .

[MissTakes]

I generally suck at NC, because emotionally, I'm not at the place I think I need to be in order to have it really stick. And yes, I started counseling (today!) to try to sort all of that stuff out. But if you're like me and just telling yourself it's a bad idea, or that your xAP doesn't deserve your time, or that someone is going to get hurt, etc, doesn't always work - then try this: deconditioning.

 

If you've ever heard of the Little Albert experiment, it's something like that, just on a much smaller scale. Basically, use negative reinforcement. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. Any time you have a positive (or sappy) thought about your xAP, or are tempted to contact him/her, snap the rubber band. And don't be nice about it! It should be hard enough that anyone else around notices the split second of pain register on your face. Personally, I notice within days that I'm thinking about my xMM significantly less, and I cut contact with him immediately. One week strong now... I think I'm going to have to go buy a bunch of rubber bands when this one breaks!

[Wambo]

To let your exAP know that it's not that you don't care about them that you are not in contact? How do you fight the guilt and resist the urge to reassure them that you do still care about them during your silence?

 

 

I hate to break it to you but my exAP knows I care about her, but she still disrepect me by breaking NC in an attempt to leave the door open. I know she likes me but it's a different word to care or otherwise she wouldn't be putting me in these akward situations every month.