Long term boyfriend but I have a huge crush on another guy

[goldfinch]

This is my first post. I'm desperate to ask for some advice from people who aren't my friends, since they can only give so much insight. Sorry if this is a bit long! I hope someone still takes the time to read it.

 

I'm 20 and I'm in university. I've had the same boyfriend since I was 16, and he's the only one I've ever had. Over the past year, I started having suspicions that we might not be working as a couple anymore. I have serious plans to move to another city for grad school in a year, but he's working a dead-end retail job with no plans to move beyond it. I've been wondering what it would be like to be with someone else, since I've never even kissed another guy. I had started to find him less attractive than before and I don't feel very excited when we have sex or hang out.

 

However, he is EXTREMELY loyal. We have the same values and views on parenthood, marriage, drinking, sex, etc. I have some unconventional opinions on those things and I don't think it would be very easy to find another guy who shares them (for example, I choose not to drink even though I'm legally able to where I live).

 

Last summer, I took some summer classes and met a guy who is so hot I can't even describe it. I don't know him that well at all, but I've been obsessing over him and fantasizing about getting to know him better. I realize that it's just a fantasy and he might not be right for me, but the fact that I was feeling that way about another guy forced me to think about things a lot. I finally decided to break up with my boyfriend in November.

 

We were broken up for only a little more than a month, and I was so depressed that I could barely function. I threw up every time I ate; I couldn't sleep; I lost weight and cried constantly. I missed him horribly. I couldn't believe my relationship, as imperfect as it was, was over, and I couldn't stop thinking of him as my best friend and boyfriend. Everyone I talked to about it couldn't believe I'd break up with a guy who was so loyal, kind, caring and devoted. I started to doubt that I had made the right choice. I couldn't believe I would give up a relationship like that just because I thought another guy was insanely hot. Eventually, we got back together.

 

Now that we're back together, I'm doubting myself again. I have a class with the hot guy this semester and I feel even more obsessed with him than before. I've been dreaming about him, looking forward to the days where I have that class, and thinking of ways I can talk to him. I feel HORRIBLE about myself, because even though my boyfriend is wonderful and nice, I don't feel passionate about him. I'm also only 20, and I feel scared thinking that I might never feel passion again if I stay with my boyfriend.

 

I also don't want to break up with him AGAIN after we just got back together. That seems really cruel. However, I'm scared that I made the wrong choice when we got back together.

 

So please, if anyone has any advice, I want to hear it!

[BeholdtheMan]

I'm 20 and I'm in university. I've had the same boyfriend since I was 16, and he's the only one I've ever had. Over the past year, I started having suspicions that we might not be working as a couple anymore. I have serious plans to move to another city for grad school in a year, but he's working a dead-end retail job with no plans to move beyond it. I've been wondering what it would be like to be with someone else, since I've never even kissed another guy. I had started to find him less attractive than before and I don't feel very excited when we have sex or hang out.

I think you know what you should do...

 

However, he is EXTREMELY loyal. We have the same values and views on parenthood, marriage, drinking, sex, etc. I have some unconventional opinions on those things and I don't think it would be very easy to find another guy who shares them (for example, I choose not to drink even though I'm legally able to where I live).

A relationship can't be based on loyalty alone. Attraction is more important than loyalty. A long-term relationship needs both. Attraction alone results in a short-term relationship. Loyalty alone isn't enough for any type of relationship, other than a platonic friendship.

 

Last summer, I took some summer classes and met a guy who is so hot I can't even describe it. I don't know him that well at all, but I've been obsessing over him and fantasizing about getting to know him better.

I don't think your boyfriend deserves to be the back-up plan. You're a big girl now. If you want something, go and get it...but have the good grace to end your current relationship first.

 

We were broken up for only a little more than a month, and I was so depressed that I could barely function. I threw up every time I ate; I couldn't sleep; I lost weight and cried constantly. I missed him horribly. I couldn't believe my relationship, as imperfect as it was, was over, and I couldn't stop thinking of him as my best friend and boyfriend.

I don't think you truly love your boyfriend. You're more in love with the support a long-term boyfriend provides.

 

How about you try to start a long-term relationship with a man who is both loyal and capable of turning you on? It can't be that hard can it?

 

Now that we're back together, I'm doubting myself again. I have a class with the hot guy this semester and I feel even more obsessed with him than before. I've been dreaming about him, looking forward to the days where I have that class, and thinking of ways I can talk to him.

 

I'll tell you what you're problem is. You don't truly love your current boyfriend. The only reason you're not moving on is fear. You're afraid that if you break up with him and pursue a "hot guy", the hot guy will either reject you or hump and dump you. You don't love you're boyfriend. You're just afraid that if you dump him, you won't be able to get (and keep) someone better.

 

That's not love. That's selfishness and keeping the poor guy around as a back-up plan. Ask yourself this: If you knew that you could start a long-term relationship with the hot guy you're obsessing over and that he'd be loyal to you, would you stay with your current boyfriend?

 

I think the answer is no. You'd go with the hot guy. You're being wishy washy because you're afraid of the risk. Live your life with some more courage. You're only 20. You're current boyfriend deserves better. End it with him honestly and go out and live life. Find the right man for you. Just don't string along your current BF until you find a better deal that presents an acceptable risk to you.

 

Put yourself in your BF's shoes. If your BF were obsessing over this really "hot babe" in class, would you want to be kept around solely for your loyalty. Would you want to stay with a boyfriend who doesn't find you attractive any more?

 

Tell your BF the truth and grow the balls [ovaries?] to end it.

[d0nnivain]

Many relationships don't survive the transition from childhood to adulthood. Yours maybe at that critical stage.

 

 

You have been with him you whole dating life. You don't know anything else. Fear of the unknown is powerful.

 

 

If you haven't already try making a list of pros & cons. See if logic gets you anywhere. Talk to your mom too; she's been here through the whole relationship. She may have some insights for you.

[bubbaganoosh]

What do you know about this hottie your drooling over? Besides the fact that he's hot?

 

For all you know he might be all that on the outside and a real a-- hole on the inside.

 

If you want to chance it with Mister Wonderful then end it with your current boyfriend but you better remember one thing.

 

He took you back after the first break up and in your mind you might be thinking that he might take you back again.

 

What if he doesn't. You can only crush a person so many times before they finally wise up.

 

Your walking a fine line here and you could be the big loser in this.

 

You said your boyfriend has the same beliefs that you do, so what makes you think that the other guy feels the same way. He may think outside your lines which means you have nothing in common.

 

Look before you leap. If you decide to leap, tell your boyfriend and let him get on with his life. He doesn't need to be treated like your personal plan B

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time to cut your boyfriend loose. As you said, you have no idea if this other guy would be right for you or even interested in you. However, you're growing up and moving on with your life. You will meet other guys who will interest you. I think you know that you've fallen out of love with your boyfriend and you've grown apart. It will be difficult to let go of the companionship and history you have together; but it will be 100x more difficult to stay in a relationship that you're no longer invested in. I know where you're coming from. But take my word for it - it's much more cruel to your boyfriend (and yourself!) to stay when your heart is no longer in it. That only ever ends badly.

[thedmc]

I agree that it's time to dump your boyfriend. Great as he maybe, How do you truly know he is "the one" if you have never been with anyone else? I say this to everyone in situations like your's - You are young. You should explore your options and see what the world has to offer.

 

On a side note, I want to smack you real damn hard. You know nothing about this other man aside from him being attractive and that alone caused you to leave a boyfriend that you described as loyal, caring, as well as your best friend. What's the matter with you?

[mano]

Oh i feel bad for your bf, this is not love but rather selfishness n attachment, u ditched this guy because of no other reason but that u found this other guy hot.

U know nothin about this hot guy or if he is already committed or would be interested in you n again you are wanting to leave your long term bf because of this, your current bf deserves better than this, someone who can reciprocate his love n loyalty

[Keenly]

You are kinda just keeping your boyfriend around so you can feel good about yourself.

[Radu]

As someone has already mentioned, you two are diverging on the path of adulthood.

 

It might not seem much, but the problem is his lack of goals in life.

That coupled with the distance, is making you slowly fall out of love with him.

 

What i'm about to say might prove unpopular with some ppl here [maybe women], but generally speaking women have to respect their guy and even in this modern time, guys are still defined by ambitions, prospects.

All of these impact desirability, and right now the only thing your bf has going for him is the fact that he's loyal.

 

It's better you realize this now, then when you are both 30, and you have kids [it would be much worse].

 

In regards to your situation, i doubt that it will work long term [with your current bf].

But whatever you do, do not cheat; it may end up defining your character negatively in the future.

And try to avoid breaking up with him just so you can be with this guy, or keeping your current bf on the backburner [as the backup guy].

The former will make you more likely to become a serial monogamist, with a bunch of rationalizations that you will give yourself, while the latter is essentially cake eating and pretty much what cheaters do.

 

See if you can divorce yourself from this entire situation, and focus on getting good grades, finishing with high ones.

See if your current bf has a complete apathy for his future, or does he actually want to do something [garage bands don't count].

Decide after next semester.

 

It might seem hard, but talk to him, and express these feelings.

Many ppl end up cheating because communication has broken down in their relationship and they don't know how to restart it, these will be issues you will confront later on in your long term marriage ... some practice will help.

 

GL