Done with Dating... for Good!!

[carhill]

At 51, my life is basically over anyway. Keep trying? What the hell for

 

I tend to not believe that, given that I'm older than you

 

OTOH, I lost a dear friend a couple weeks ago who was only 49, so perhaps that supports your assertion. However, had she 'given up' after her divorce, she wouldn't have had a couple years with a guy she apparently loved before dying.

 

Up to you man. We're both oldsters and have been around the block. There's other stuff to do in life. If you're serious, then get to it. Every moment you spend waffling on the dating issue is a moment lost.

[AnyaNova]

You assume that the rejection was about things that it couldn't have been. She knew what you looked like.

 

Perhaps she just wasn't feeling it. You wouldn't want her to continue on if she wasn't.

 

But let me tell you this.

 

Right now, I am 35 and single. But even if, when I'm too old and in a nursing home, I am still single, I will be getting to know all those introverted and shy nursing home dudes who are single and seeing what happens.

[Eau Claire]

From your attitude she was lucky to dodge a whiny, moaning self centered baby.

[notthathard]

Right now, I am 35 and single. But even if, when I'm too old and in a nursing home, I am still single, I will be getting to know all those introverted and shy nursing home dudes who are single and seeing what happens.

 

hahaha YES, that's the words of a non-quitter. I hear a lot of dodgy stuff goes on in those places

[Thegreatestthing]

I talk to about a ptrillion boys a day ,I have chemistry/connection with about two of them it usually has nothing to do with how they look,but some energetic thing and always surprises me.

 

It's not her fault she didn't find that energy with you.you can growl about it but it's not going to change anything.its always better to hope than to despair.

[almond]

Just half an hour ago, she called me to say there wasn't going to be a second date. She went on to explain that she had been agonizing about telling me this - to the point of becoming physically ill. She tried to reassure me that I had said and done nothing wrong during our date or any other time since meeting online. But she just didn't feel any physical connection.

 

Sounds like she was very polite, and had the respect to call you and be straight up with you. You should appreciate this. You're an adult - learn to deal with rejection, especially when it is done in the most polite and mature way possible.

 

All this after driving two hours to her city, driving two hours back and not getting home until 1 am, and dropping $35.00 on her dinner, which included a glass of wine.

 

"All this after driving...(etc.)" Lol. She doesn't owe you anything just because you drove to her city willingly and took her out for dinner. I can understand the disappointment, but the way you word it comes across as moody and petulant.

 

Oh, I know what I did wrong. I was too short and fat for her liking and she didn't have the guts to tell me. Ergo, the emotional turmoil. Her sons are both six feet tall, and that leads me to suspect her ex was likely tall, so she probably wants someone tall-ish looking at a minimum. Unless she failed to read my profile properly, she would have known I was overweight and 5'7". She knows I have some health issues and I was totally upfront with her about that.

 

Oh right. So you were totally upfront about your health issues, and you clearly listed your weight and height on your profile, but you just know that the only thing you did wrong was be too "short and fat" for her? Please. She knew this and chose to meet you. You're just so perfect in every other way, that it is not possible for her to have not felt a physical connection due to perhaps, a personality issue? Don't be so presumptuous, and label this woman as shallow and such when she has not given you any reason to.

 

What terrible hypocrisy, considering that she's kinda average-looking herself, overweight, and about an inch shorter than me. Not exactly what anyone would consider top-drawer material. And I'm not saying I'm looking for anyone perfect.

 

Again, you have no idea that this was the reason, and the fact that she knew you were short and overweight before meeting you definitely casts doubt on your little theory. Your attitude in this thread is off-putting to say the least, and it's certainly possible that your personality issues were the cause of the absence of sexual chemistry. Now, you call her a hypocrite based on the unfounded assumption that she rejected you due to height and weight, then you go on to highlight her undesirable physical attributes? Oh my. Talk about hypocritical

 

I get the impression that my profile photos created an impression, an image in her mind that didn't materialize in reality.

 

So you misrepresented yourself in your profile pictures?

 

 

So that said, I'm giving up dating for good. My experiences prove that I'm not meant to have a partner, to be happy, or to succeed. I'm simply not the kind of guy women want, i.e. perfect. And if I was a thug, a scumbag, a player, or a murderer in prison, I'd have no shortage of female attention. All I ever get for my pains is rejection, rejection, and more rejection. So why bother? **** it.

 

You come across as whiny, bitter and somewhat aggressive. This is incredibly unattractive, and may have a lot to do with your lack of success in attracting a partner. It may be a good idea to take a break from dating until you're in a better frame of mind, and more secure with yourself.

 

C

Congratulations, ladies! Another good man lost thanks to your selfishness, indecency, and unrealistic expectations and demands. Hope you're happy now while you search for your dream alpha male!

 

This lady was hardly selfish, indecent or unrealistic for politely picking up the phone and advising you that she did not wish to go on a second date. Attacks of this nature are juvenile to say the least, especially in this context.

 

Grow up.

[Allumere]

Invested? No, not invested....excited maybe and hopeful but a couple weeks of chatting and a dinner is not vested.

 

I am sorry this has set you off. So what would be worse, for her to pretend? go on a few more dates and then yank out the football Charlie Brown. It's simple, no attraction. Good grief, I have friends that would fall into the beautiful people category and they have been dismissed for the exact same reasons. They also have problems getting a date with a decent person. You whine, I whine, we all whine about how tough it is....yep, its tough for EVERYONE for all kinds of reasons.

[lollipopspot]

Well, let's see now, I've been trying for the last seven years (since I broke up with my now ex-wife) to find a partner and have had no luck. I think I've tried just about everything. So, in your considered opinion, how many more rejections am I supposed to take before throwing in the towel? 500? 1000? A million? The same kind of logic says you're supposed to buy lottery tickets forever, because, you know, the big winning ticket could be just around the corner.

 

You're missing something here. Everything I've encountered in that time is telling me, in big capital letters, 'Some people are not meant to have a relationship with someone special. You're one of them.'

 

But I get it. You're one of those people who thinks love magically appears for people if they just stop looking for it. Or, 'there's someone for everyone'. Man, people with simplistic and facile non-solutions annoy the shyte out of me.

 

Hey, you know what? You were married. There are people your age who haven't ever dated or had sex, who wanted to. You haven't been a loser in love and you DID have a relationship with someone special. It may or may not happen again (maybe not because it sounds as though you're wanting to give up), but you've had more than some people will ever have. Maybe hold onto that. Whatever you did before worked well enough that someone wanted to commit to you at one point, and she obviously didn't find you too short or unattractive to love you.

[Scales]

As much as anybody hates to hear this, its not your height or weight. If it was there wouldn't have been any communication from the start nor a chance to meet in person aka a date. If you pass the initial screening to meeting in person, the problem is almost always personality or verbally related. You weren't able to create attraction. Sometimes its hygiene related which happens in OLD, but I don't think that it was in this case. You may have to realize that your personality is not conducive to romance or women. It might be a better option to change who you are rather than give up all together.

 

I don't blame you for thinking this way because a lot of guys have been here. You invest in a girl you think is great only to have her tell you later after all the flirting, hanging out, and texting that she was never interested. It hurts twice as bad when there isn't anyone else to move on to. You wouldn't do that to someone so how can you accept that she would? Girls are different people and have a different set of behaviors from men. Accepting that has made everything clear and easier for me personally. Don't get bogged down in trying to prove how hypocritical or illogical it is. It doesn't matter. Being angry only hurts you, the woman who rejected you doesn't care. Shes moved on to doing other things. She wasn't physically ill about calling you, she just wanted it to seem like she was caring and felt bad. She doesn't.

 

Maybe take a break from dating but don't give up. I mean if you never wanted to date anyone else again for the rest of time, think about all the interesting things you could say to women now without worrying about being rejected. I mean you aren't going to date them right? So go out and tell some woman you want to be the propeller in her motor boat Rejection is meaningless if you don't want to date.

[lollipopspot]

You wouldn't do that to someone so how can you accept that she would?

 

Yes he would. If you meet someone for the first time and just don't feel the attraction or spark, you're not going to continue a romantic relationship with them simply because you did text flirting for a couple weeks or whatever.

[Scales]

Yes he would. If you meet someone for the first time and just don't feel the attraction or spark, you're not going to continue a romantic relationship with them simply because you did text flirting for a couple weeks or whatever.

 

Thats the thing about guys. We don't need a lot of things to feel attracted. Its really an all or nothing deal where image and interests count for about 90% of it. If there was a girl around me or interested in me who I wasn't attracted to, I sure as hell wouldn't lead them on into thinking there would be a date let alone contact information. Its really easy not to start sending messages to someone you aren't in to.

 

Maybe you are referring to when you date someone you like and then you find out they are racist, stupid, or has secret kids then yeah those are deal breakers. You walk away and you explain why instead of saying "we didn't click".

 

Oh no wait thats not guys either

 

?Worst online dating profile ever? still attracts hundreds of desperate guys

[lollipopspot]

If there was a girl around me or interested in me who I wasn't attracted to, I sure as hell wouldn't lead them on into thinking there would be a date let alone contact information. Its really easy not to start sending messages to someone you aren't in to.

 

It happens in OLD all the time, for both genders. People think they might be into someone and feel attraction based on the profile and pictures, they do a lot of communicating via text or phone or emails, and then they meet in person and don't feel it for whatever reason.

[Scales]

It happens in OLD all the time, for both genders. People think they might be into someone and feel attraction based on the profile and pictures, they do a lot of communicating via text or phone or emails, and then they meet in person and don't feel it for whatever reason.

 

I would say that the majority of the time it is the female who ends up "not feeling it" once a meetup has been established. I have no evidence or statistics to prove that so I won't. However, males outnumber females about 10 to 1 on OLD. Females are the ones who have all the choice and all the power. She is much more able to walk away from any said date because it costs her nothing and she has options. Guys wait for weeks to get 1 reply and then usually has to come up with, drive, and pay for the date. In this situation, the guy is usually the one who is investing in the girl hoping to get her because he is already attracted and has less options.

[deathandtaxes]

I would say that the majority of the time it is the female who ends up "not feeling it" once a meetup has been established. I have no evidence or statistics to prove that so I won't. However, males outnumber females about 10 to 1 on OLD. Females are the ones who have all the choice and all the power. She is much more able to walk away from any said date because it costs her nothing and she has options. Guys wait for weeks to get 1 reply and then usually has to come up with, drive, and pay for the date. In this situation, the guy is usually the one who is investing in the girl hoping to get her because he is already attracted and has less options.

 

 

 

Not according to this 10 Best Dating Websites (2014) | Top 10 Online Dating Sites | DatingAdvice.com they don't. Where do you get your 10 to 1 assertion? Maybe they send 10 messages for every 1 a woman sends, but they do not outnumber women as members. I will run searches in my local area on match and just flip the men looking for women to the opposite and roughly the same numbers show.

 

 

In my own dating experiences, I'd say the women have ended things more often than I have, at around three to one. I've had my share of one and done. Although recently I had made it to six dates each with two different women and they ended things. I've only ended things once after a first date. Usually I like to see somebody two or three times before making that decision.

[ZipperZapper]

I would say that the majority of the time it is the female who ends up "not feeling it" once a meetup has been established. I have no evidence or statistics to prove that so I won't. However, males outnumber females about 10 to 1 on OLD. Females are the ones who have all the choice and all the power. She is much more able to walk away from any said date because it costs her nothing and she has options. Guys wait for weeks to get 1 reply and then usually has to come up with, drive, and pay for the date. In this situation, the guy is usually the one who is investing in the girl hoping to get her because he is already attracted and has less options.

 

You have accurately and concisely identified what's wrong with online dating and why it generally doesn't work for a lot of people. There are two problems with online dating as it currently exists.

 

The first is that it's lopsided. It works for women and against men. Men can sometimes win if they're perfect specimens, but the women always win without having to reach any standard of perfection.

 

The second is that model, while profitable for OLD site operators, isn't sustainable over the long haul for the simple reason that men are not going to put up with being put in a largely powerless position for much longer.

 

I don't appreciate being put in a position of having few or no options while the other side gets to totally dictate the pace, depth, and parameters of the social interchange that dating involves, do you? Women love OLD because it puts them in the driver's seat. It's one reason why they've been trying to put all dating interactions into the OLD arena and away from real-life interactions because it gives them total control.

 

Think of it this way. OLD is a repressive social regime that victimizes men in the name of making a profit. History shows that repressive regimes don't last long in the greater scheme of things. The old Soviet empire lasted just 70 years, if that. East Germany, and its hated Stasi secret police managed to terrorize and victimize people for barely forty years before the authorities in that country discovered that the people were getting ready to revolt en masse. They knew the regime couldn't survive a revolt, and that's the real reason why the Berlin wall fell in 1989. But I digress.

 

In other words, if OLD site operators don't start offering men the same power and options they offer their female customers, they're going to find their male customers walking away. If the current dating dynamic that exists now where women get to call all the shots doesn't change, men are going to vote with their feet.

 

People don't realize it, but the current system is so socially corrosive that I can see a time in the very near future where men are going to be so alienated that they will have nothing to do with women at all and women are going to be wondering why they can't get dates or any attention from men. But of course, it will be all men's fault that this ends up happening.

 

Don't laugh, this has already happened in Japan, and it's the biggest reason why the birth rate there has fallen to zero. It's also one reason why the Japanese economy has been in a recession for almost twenty years now. If men are deprived of a stake in life, and access to female companionship, they stop working, building and producing. Google the term 'herbivore male' to see what I'm talking about.

 

Put very simply, you cannot have a system that favours one group at the expense of another and expect it to survive long.

[Eggplant]

You know that dating is a lot easier for women, right? If men had the same opportunities in this arena as women do, you'd see a lot less (and probably no bitching) from men on these forums about not being able to get dates, find partners, etc.

When it comes to long-term or marriage commitments, men are just as choosy as women. The dating discrepancy is because some men who are not serious about a girl will still date her (for a while). When it comes down to finding a long-term partner, I don't think either gender has it easier.

[notthathard]

OLD is what it is, humans adapted to it and this is how we act. You cant change that.

 

It's similar to the real world where a majority of the relationships start where the guy goes up to the woman and then she chooses if she likes him or not.

 

I have heard of a few friends being messaged on OLD by women. You need a really good and catchy profile.

 

If OLD is not working for you then go back to the old-fashioned way.

 

A majority of single people in my country are not even on OLD so they still rely on the old-skool approach.

[Leigh 87]

I talk to about a ptrillion boys a day ,I have chemistry/connection with about two of them it usually has nothing to do with how they look,but some energetic thing and always surprises me.

 

It's not her fault she didn't find that energy with you.you can growl about it but it's not going to change anything.its always better to hope than to despair.

 

 

 

Yes. The guys I have chemistry with aren't the good looking ones. The guys I had VERY intense chemistry with were actually over weight! Which to me IS FINE but the general public seems at think it's a negative trait (crying a few extra pounds).

 

I prefer cuddly men. My bf is the first slim guy I've dated since age 20 (I'm 27)

 

I had CRAZY crazyyyyyy chemistry with someone who was overweight and not classified as attractive by societies standards. I thought he was GORGROUS.

 

My boyfriend thought I was gorgeous even though I am just the average girl.

 

 

Chemistry is not much to do with looks.

 

Many woman don't need chemistry; they prefer a good provider and father for their child.

 

Personally, I need chemistry. I just don't need it from tall guys with 6 packs.

[carhill]

When it comes to long-term or marriage commitments, men are just as choosy as women. The dating discrepancy is because some men who are not serious about a girl will still date her (for a while). When it comes down to finding a long-term partner, I don't think either gender has it easier.

Since the OP has apparently been married, he's probably pretty aware of how LTR's work. He's simply commenting on the relative difference in the 'get to know' process, at its inception, first meeting, and subsequent 'get to know' prior to any relationship being on the horizon.

 

I'll join him in opining that the meet and greet process is far more laborious for males. I can draw on vast experience nearly two decades of it, as a single man. During that same time, some female friends went through a half-dozen boyfriends or a couple of marriages. They generally had a new guy lined up before they ended their prior 'guy'. My exW was no different. When she's done with him (still with him four years post D), a new one will be lined up from the guys who are throwing themselves at her right now. That's how it works. Why? Because guys are throwing themselves at (pursuing) anything female that moves. Seriously. I wish I were joking but I'm not. Eventually, something sticks. For those of us who don't have the stomach to do that, well, 'done with dating' is an option, one the OP apparently is considering and I did consider about four years ago and proceeded with. I don't miss throwing myself at women at all. In fact I like them better now. I trust they don't notice I'm gone. It all works out.

[ZipperZapper]

Yes. The guys I have chemistry with aren't the good looking ones. The guys I had VERY intense chemistry with were actually over weight! Which to me IS FINE but the general public seems at think it's a negative trait (crying a few extra pounds).

 

I prefer cuddly men. My bf is the first slim guy I've dated since age 20 (I'm 27)

 

I had CRAZY crazyyyyyy chemistry with someone who was overweight and not classified as attractive by societies standards. I thought he was GORGROUS.

 

My boyfriend thought I was gorgeous even though I am just the average girl.

 

 

Chemistry is not much to do with looks.

 

Many woman don't need chemistry; they prefer a good provider and father for their child.

 

Personally, I need chemistry. I just don't need it from tall guys with 6 packs.

 

If what I've highlighted in bold is true, then I can't help but wonder if the woman who rejected me did so because of something I did or said, despite her having told me that I did everything right on our date, or if that there was something 'off' about me that she couldn't put her finger on and that was so bothersome or odd she couldn't tell me about it.

 

Because if 'most' women don't need chemistry, then I'd wager that she might be more likely than not to fall within the vast majority rather than be the exception to the rule. But I could be wrong.

 

But I guess I'll never know. I sometimes wonder if women love keeping men in the dark.

[lollipopspot]

Despite your assertions about gender, here's a guy who backs up that meeting someone IRL is different from texting/mailing/phoning:

 

I stopped weeding out personalities before meeting. I didn't want to waste a lot of time getting to know someone before a first meeting when often you could decide soneone wasn't for you within 5-10 minutes of meeting. As soon as I was confident I wasn't dealing with an axe murderer I would schedule a meet and greet at a safe time and public location. I learned this the hard way. I talked to someone a long time and created this fantasy of her in my mind but when we finally met there was ZERO physical attraction. It takes a lot of time and energy to get to know someone so I decided from now on to answer the attraction question before making the investment. It worked a lot better.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/456718-worst-internet-date-ever-3.html#post5481947