iplaymybassinthesun Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Every woman I've developed feelings for has been unavailable or uninterested. These feelings have always been secret. I've never expressed feelings to anyone. The idea of pursuing someone who would be receptive or having feelings for some who actually is available and interested is foreign to me. Just the thought of it is anxiety inducing. I also tend to crush on performers too, women I read about but I know will never meet. Where does this come from? Am I afraid of actually getting what I want? Link to post Share on other sites
BJP56 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Don't pretend to be somebody you are not. Open yourself up with your feelings. . Holding back will only crush you. Some girls love a guy with sensitivities and feelings. I wanted a girl I couldn't have and I broke down and let her know how I felt about her. What turned into a innocent crush almost turned into a creepy fixation because I didnt want to express my feelings. Im glad I did because now I have closure. Dont hide yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Every woman I've developed feelings for has been unavailable or uninterested. These feelings have always been secret. I've never expressed feelings to anyone. While not 'every', with most women around here being married or LTR, the former was historically an issue, in addition to dealing with MW's who didn't disclose relationship status. Uninterested I can deal with. We like who we like. It's how we act on and process those feelings of 'like' which define us. The idea of pursuing someone who would be receptive or having feelings for some who actually is available and interested is foreign to me. Just the thought of it is anxiety inducing. That's interesting; knowing more now, I'd opine some self-examination and/or review with a professional psychologist could be helpful, especially since you mention anxiety from the thoughts of interacting with a typical human being simply because they're 'available'. Myself, during my prime reproductive years, I would have killed to meet an available and interested person. Availability was far more of an issue than interested. TBH, most of my relationships sprang from those few available people I met. I also tend to crush on performers too, women I read about but I know will never meet. For myself, again many years ago, it was the reverse, in that a public figure that reminded me of a relation I had experienced romantic feelings for would catch and hold my attention. I had an issue with cart and horse for awhile but came to understand better how dopplegangers worked and figured out it was images, not people, matching up with feelings from the past. Where does this come from? Am I afraid of actually getting what I want? It's in your psychology somewhere. If I were in your shoes, I'd task my psychologist to work my attachment style and family history. At some point, the feeling of fear of commitment to an available person was born and nourished, it appears. IMO, if such fears/anxiety inhibit the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships, they bear scrutiny, probably by a professional. Question: Do you have close and loving friendships and if so, how do you feel about those? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iplaymybassinthesun Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Wow! Thank you for the nice reply! A lot to chew on there! I know I've sometimes posted questions that sound like each other, but the feedback does really help. I do have loving friendships. I think that's what bothered me about this last girl. She's a friend but she's fickle. Flakes sometimes. And now she has a boyfriend. She's not as available to me. FWIW growing up my parents were like roommates, there was no affection between them. They loved us and worked hard but work defined them and their marriage suffered. They never gave me advice on girls. I was on my own. Yeah if they're available I'm afraid of failure if I go for it and screw it up. So I psyche myself out or reject myself first. Link to post Share on other sites
InnocentMan Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Wow! Thank you for the nice reply! A lot to chew on there! I know I've sometimes posted questions that sound like each other, but the feedback does really help. I do have loving friendships. I think that's what bothered me about this last girl. She's a friend but she's fickle. Flakes sometimes. And now she has a boyfriend. She's not as available to me. FWIW growing up my parents were like roommates, there was no affection between them. They loved us and worked hard but work defined them and their marriage suffered. They never gave me advice on girls. I was on my own. Yeah if they're available I'm afraid of failure if I go for it and screw it up. So I psyche myself out or reject myself first. Not many people get advice about girls from their parents. We just generally learn from experience. Sounds like you need to get yourself some of this. Not every woman you interact with has to be the love of your life. Try attack it from the viewpoint of having some fun. Not everything has to be so intense, and do or die. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iplaymybassinthesun Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I know, it's easy to forget that it should be fun more than anything. I'm guilty of that. Taking things to seriously. I'm just not a natural flirt. I don't know how to escalate an interaction if I'm interested or read those kinds of social cues. Most times I think my advance would be unwelcome. So I hold off and turn it into something more than it is. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Read up on unrequited love. Google it or go to baggage reclaim website. Link to post Share on other sites
BJP56 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Wow! Thank you for the nice reply! A lot to chew on there! I know I've sometimes posted questions that sound like each other, but the feedback does really help. I do have loving friendships. I think that's what bothered me about this last girl. She's a friend but she's fickle. Flakes sometimes. And now she has a boyfriend. She's not as available to me. FWIW growing up my parents were like roommates, there was no affection between them. They loved us and worked hard but work defined them and their marriage suffered. They never gave me advice on girls. I was on my own. Yeah if they're available I'm afraid of failure if I go for it and screw it up. So I psyche myself out or reject myself first. Im in the same boat with you, my parents thew me under the bus, I had no social life. Me working was more important to them than seeking even simple companionship or even having a hobby. I often shot myself down as well, and I often beat myself up over it. Go with what you feel is right even if it does not last. Keep yourself genuine. The worst that can happen is they say "no". Link to post Share on other sites
BJP56 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I know, it's easy to forget that it should be fun more than anything. I'm guilty of that. Taking things to seriously. I'm just not a natural flirt. I don't know how to escalate an interaction if I'm interested or read those kinds of social cues. Most times I think my advance would be unwelcome. So I hold off and turn it into something more than it is. I took it seriously when it came to advances to. I often thought just simple hand holding would put them off. But, heres a simple thing a girl taught me. YOU ASK Can I put my arm around you? Can I hold your hand? Can I kiss you? Can I hold you close? The worst they can say is "NO" Link to post Share on other sites
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