Three Years On - Can't Forget

[beach]

I don't understand why you would tell her you're never leaving her.

 

When faced with evidence of being cheated on - that's one thing I couldn't promise.

 

I had to be true to myself - and that included me having value. When I had evidence that my spouse disrespected and disregarded me/the M - there was no way I was going to promise anything from my end.

 

 

Overcompensating for bad behavior? Sure, it happened a lot. I was always suspicious when I got expensive jewelry. Cheaters do overcompensate. They think it makes up for their bad behavior. It's their form of manipulation. Her having sex with you the way she doesn't really want to - may be overcompensating and manipulation on her part.

 

Be true to yourself. Don't make promises...you never know what she's really done that she doesn't want you to find out.

 

Set a boundary and stick to it. And get that polygraph.

[LostInM]

I don't understand why you would tell her you're never leaving her.

 

When faced with evidence of being cheated on - that's one thing I couldn't promise.

 

I had to be true to myself - and that included me having value. When I had evidence that my spouse disrespected and disregarded me/the M - there was no way I was going to promise anything from my end.

 

 

Overcompensating for bad behavior? Sure, it happened a lot. I was always suspicious when I got expensive jewelry. Cheaters do overcompensate. They think it makes up for their bad behavior. It's their form of manipulation. Her having sex with you the way she doesn't really want to - may be overcompensating and manipulation on her part.

 

Be true to yourself. Don't make promises...you never know what she's really done that she doesn't want you to find out.

 

Set a boundary and stick to it. And get that polygraph.

 

I told her I wouldn't leave her because of the affairs that already occurred. After 18 months of therapy we are two differant people. Her issue is that Ive made it quite clear that if suspect another affair and see anything inappropriate I'm gone. She is super paranoid that the least little thing is going to send me packing. That isn't the case but she is convinced if something little happens I will leave. She realizes she caused all of this but she is feeling helpless. I understand that but I had pretty much forgotten about everything and moved completely forward. It's just the last 9 months or so I've rebounded, not as bad as originally but I slide backwards.

[Owl]

I told her I wouldn't leave her because of the affairs that already occurred. After 18 months of therapy we are two differant people. Her issue is that Ive made it quite clear that if suspect another affair and see anything inappropriate I'm gone. She is super paranoid that the least little thing is going to send me packing. That isn't the case but she is convinced if something little happens I will leave. She realizes she caused all of this but she is feeling helpless. I understand that but I had pretty much forgotten about everything and moved completely forward. It's just the last 9 months or so I've rebounded, not as bad as originally but I slide backwards.

 

My first thought after reading this post is that she's paranoid that you're going to leave her...because she's not disclosed the full truth, there is something out there (another affair?) that she's not confessed to. She's afraid you're going to find out about that, and she's gone.

 

You're only going to be able to ask a limited set of questions (like 5). One of those should be "Have you completely disclosed the full truth about every infidelity you've ever had" Or "Are you still hiding any information regarding cheating on me?", or "Is there another affair that you've not admitted to me?".

 

Bet you'll get an eye opener. And I'm one of the pro-marriage folks around here!

[LostInM]

LostInM, you keep saying that it does not matter if she had sex with the other men or not - but in everything else you say (and apparently do), it does matter very much. So you are at odds with yourself and you need to resolve this first.

 

Next, she is offering to take a polygraph test and you don't want her to do this. You want to prolong your martyr status - this is what you need to resolve next. You seem to want to wallow in the self-pity and hurt. Let her take the polygraph for once and for all and put this to rest, one way or another. Stop prolonging your bittersweet pain.

 

Finally, you say she started out with trying to tell you something was wrong, asking you to go to counselling etc and you ignored it all. Then she went and pursued affairs (EA's according to her) outside of your marriage but then came back to you having not taken it physical (according to her). You now say that she is the same wonderful wife you first met. This is great and you should fix the above two issues if you do not want to lose this again.

 

So in summary, admit to yourself that whether she had sex or not IS bothering you, let her take the polygraph and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

 

After 18 months of therapy I didn't even think about the affairs anymore. We were two differant people. The sex aspect if it really doesn't bother me, I just keep referring to it because everyone keeps asking about why I don't need a poly. A lot of these feelings and this is my fault were what I was feeling before. I don't have a lot of them now and didn't after the therapy.

[tired girl]

Then where are the feelings coming from that she doesn't love you anymore and that she has something on the side? If you were doing fine, what caused this to flare up? Something she did, or is there something unresolved in you?

[Owl]

Here's where you're confusing folks, LostinM.

 

You claim you're over the affair, that the sex part doesn't matter. And yet you also make it clear that you're still paranoid that it could happen again.

 

That's not over it. That's not recovered. You're not "past it".

 

Make sure I understand this. You've accepted that your wife has had affairs. You get it, you're 'over them'.

 

But...you still don't trust your wife today. It's not the past affairs that you're concerned about...it's that she could be cheating today, or could resume tomorrow? Is that your 'issue' now?

[LostInM]

Then where are the feelings coming from that she doesn't love you anymore and that she has something on the side? If you were doing fine, what caused this to flare up? Something she did, or is there something unresolved in you?

 

As soon as I found the motel charge I had that flood of anxiety about my performance as a man. I had gotten over that in therapy, I went in under the assumption she did have sex with them. That's now been replaced with doubt in myself as a man, lover etc.

 

If she was so good at hiding it she could easily do it again, but so could someone else. I've thought about just saying screw it and staying single the rest of my life. My kids are almost grown and cheating seems to be so common now that it's almost inevitable in more then half if all relationships.

 

I knew she loved me but after she tried to get us help and I refused and she had the affairs I thought we would never fix it. I went into therapy telling the doctor I wanted a divorce. We came out of that 18 months later together.

 

At this point I don't care what she did. I need to shut it off again and have the confidence in our relationship I had after therapy.

[LostInM]

I'm sorry tired girl, I rambled and didn't answer your question. I think the feelings are because a part if me doubted she still loved me as much as she did years ago. In my head she was doing all of these things because of guilt not because of love.

 

How could someone who loves me this much do what she did?

[tired girl]

Do the poly.

 

Go back to therapy.

 

Have you read any books at all on affairs?

[GorillaTheater]

How could someone who loves me this much do what she did?

 

Great question. Has your wife offered an explanation that makes any sense to you?

[tired girl]

Because we get lost in our own s@#t. It has nothing to do with you as a man. It has nothing to do with you as a lover. It has to do with our coping mechanisms that fail us. And we go the wrong direction trying to find what we should be able to find within ourselves. My H fights these same battles, but because he has cheated as well, he understands a little bit more, because when he did it, it wasn't about me. He was trying to make himself feel better. Does that make sense?

[Fluttershy]

Love is a very broad term that means different things to different people. When based on a feeling there are times I FEEL I love my Husband more than other times.

 

I do not question WS's love. I know human love is falable and changeable. I also think people can love more than one person but eentually they have to choose.

 

Your wife probably did love you during her affairs. But she was behaving against her moral judgement and therefore her love was tainted by that behaviour. Now that she is doin the hard work on herself her love can be more pure and unadultered.

 

I always say it doesn't matter if the WS loves their BS or not except that if tey do they will do the hard work of true reconciliation and truly have remorse during it. What does matter is that during the affair and after the BS doesn't feel loved. So who care how muh te WS loved their BS? Their love was broken and needs to be fixed before the BS can even want it.

[LostInM]

I need to figure out a way to level my thinking and stop the thought patterns from getting out of control.

[Owl]

I need to figure out a way to level my thinking and stop the thought patterns from getting out of control.

 

What, SPECIFIC, thought patterns are you referring to? What, SPECIFICALLY, are you thinking/obsessing over that is driving you outta control?

[tired girl]

Their love was broken and needs to be fixed before the BS can even want it.

 

I have always felt this was true. Prior to all of this, we didn't really know how to love each other well. Our love is very different now.

 

I am sure she views love differently now as well. Have you asked her?

[tired girl]

Are you sharing any of this with her and letting her help you through this?

[LostInM]

Here's where you're confusing folks, LostinM.

 

You claim you're over the affair, that the sex part doesn't matter. And yet you also make it clear that you're still paranoid that it could happen again.

 

That's not over it. That's not recovered. You're not "past it".

 

Make sure I understand this. You've accepted that your wife has had affairs. You get it, you're 'over them'.

 

But...you still don't trust your wife today. It's not the past affairs that you're concerned about...it's that she could be cheating today, or could resume tomorrow? Is that your 'issue' now?

 

Yes! I know I'm confusing. Before I found the motel charge things were good. We worked to get through it. Like I said I went into therapy to divorce. We came out together.

 

I can't shake the doubt. Up until seeing that charge on the bill I had stopped checking the phone bill, the CC bill, I had taken the find my phone app off of my phone to track her. She was doing everything.

 

That bill bought a huge surge of insecurity to hit me. We had gotten back to normal. I know what we did in therapy to rebuild but doing some of the same things now isn't helping illininate the fear. I'm back to not trusting her.

[Owl]

Yes! I know I'm confusing. Before I found the motel charge things were good. We worked to get through it. Like I said I went into therapy to divorce. We came out together.

 

I can't shake the doubt. Up until seeing that charge on the bill I had stopped checking the phone bill, the CC bill, I had taken the find my phone app off of my phone to track her. She was doing everything.

 

That bill bought a huge surge of insecurity to hit me. We had gotten back to normal. I know what we did in therapy to rebuild but doing some of the same things now isn't helping illininate the fear. I'm back to not trusting her.

 

OK...then you need to go...with her...back to MC to focus on this, SPECIFICALLY.

 

How can she rebuild your trust in her...how can you learn to trust her again.

 

That's what you need, more than anything.

 

You've identified the problem...now address it.

[beach]

She feels helpless?

 

Does she fully understand that EVERYTHING she does or doesn't do affects the outcome?

 

Helpless? God, that's a load of crap!

 

You have put yourself at the mercy of what she does from here on out - and SHE feels helpless?

 

You've got this backwards... You are in the position of being helpless, not her.

 

She should understand that she holds ALL the power to make this work - or not.

 

And that may very well why you are having trouble with this whole thing - you've handed her all your power by stating that this is up to her - and that you won't divorce her...unless...

 

But what if/when you find some obscure evidence that is suspect? Have a boundary and stick to it.

 

No person would be nervous unless they were participating on a level that caused some form of suspicion.

[tired girl]

How does she handle you triggering?

 

And yes, get back to MC!!

[LostInM]

Because we get lost in our own s@#t. It has nothing to do with you as a man. It has nothing to do with you as a lover. It has to do with our coping mechanisms that fail us. And we go the wrong direction trying to find what we should be able to find within ourselves. My H fights these same battles, but because he has cheated as well, he understands a little bit more, because when he did it, it wasn't about me. He was trying to make himself feel better. Does that make sense?

 

It makes sense but it's hard. If another man makes her feel better then I can then for the rest of our time together I'll always be second in that regard. I know it's immature to think that way but it's one if the reasons I doubt the future. If you like something you want more. If it's better you want it even more. I never had doubts about myself before this affair. I was slightly cocky but obnoxious as my wife says and I know I wasn't anymore and I know those guys were and I know that was a big attraction for her.

 

What if I'm not the man that they are? She might love everything else about me but what if I can never make her feel like that? What if I don't know? She hasn't been like this with me since we were dating 20 years ago. I can't escape the feeling that guilt is her motivator. She swears no but she knows she with held sex from me and admits she would do it back when we were having problems. I just thought she wasn't in the mood a lot.

 

Turns out she was in the mood just not for me. Her and I will always have problems. Kids, mortgage, car pAyments, college etc. I'll never be as freeing to her as those guys. Never.

[Owl]

It makes sense but it's hard. If another man makes her feel better then I can then for the rest of our time together I'll always be second in that regard. I know it's immature to think that way but it's one if the reasons I doubt the future. If you like something you want more. If it's better you want it even more. I never had doubts about myself before this affair. I was slightly cocky but obnoxious as my wife says and I know I wasn't anymore and I know those guys were and I know that was a big attraction for her.

 

What if I'm not the man that they are? She might love everything else about me but what if I can never make her feel like that? What if I don't know? She hasn't been like this with me since we were dating 20 years ago. I can't escape the feeling that guilt is her motivator. She swears no but she knows she with held sex from me and admits she would do it back when we were having problems. I just thought she wasn't in the mood a lot.

 

Turns out she was in the mood just not for me. Her and I will always have problems. Kids, mortgage, car pAyments, college etc. I'll never be as freeing to her as those guys. Never.

 

This needs to stop.

 

Quit with the pity party. It solves nothing.

 

Either focus on fixing the problem...or cut her loose.

 

Get back to counseling to focus on what can be done to address the trust issues...or file for divorce.

 

Taking action to fix the problem one way or another is your best cure.

[LostInM]

Great question. Has your wife offered an explanation that makes any sense to you?

 

She said she tried everything she could think of to get me to go get help with her. She told she had given up. She said she still loved me but she thought I was never going to get close to her again. She admits she have up.

[LostInM]

Do the poly.

 

Go back to therapy.

 

Have you read any books at all on affairs?

 

I have read some books. I actually told my wife I was going back to individual counseling. She offered to go again but I don't want her there.

 

I don't want to hear anything else that could open another

Doubt or hear something else she forgot. I don't want a poly because if she's lieing I will walk away.

[Owl]

I have read some books. I actually told my wife I was going back to individual counseling. She offered to go again but I don't want her there.

 

I don't want to hear anything else that could open another

Doubt or hear something else she forgot. I don't want a poly because if she's lieing I will walk away.

 

So you still don't trust that you got the full truth from before...and that's why you can't rebuild trust now.

 

Burying your head in the sand isn't going to fix things, my friend. You need what you need in order to trust her again...or, you need to realize that you never will, and end the marriage.