Three Years On - Can't Forget

[LostInM]

You basically had a sort of Dday in March and it reset the clock. It destroyed all of the trust that you had rebuilt and this is why you are struggling so hard.

 

You did not have a hand in her cheating. That is all on her. Whatever problems there were in the M, she had other options and she didn't choose them. So what has she done to fix those coping skills. Has she fixed how she deals with herself when she is stressed?

 

You will never be perfect in this marriage and you can't expect yourself to be. Trying to hold yourself to an ideal of I have to be a certain way or she will cheat again, is no way to live. It seems like I am hearing overtones of that.

 

She did try other things. She asked about therapy for months before the affair started. I didn't have the time and I didn't think things were that bad. She still shouldn't have cheated. My communication with her was the biggest thing I had to fix in therapy.

 

How do I go back to March 8th? I need to badly.

[tired girl]

You can't. You decide if the knowledge of the hotel room is a deal breaker for you. Or you quit trying to fight this so hard and go with it. It hasn't been a year yet, some things take time. My H had another EA while I was trying to put our M back together after I had a ONS. I am two years out from that and still figuring out if I can live with the fact that he did that. The triggers are slowly better, the trust is slowly better.

I see you trying to force yourself to heal on a certain timeframe after getting some big news. I think you need to give yourself a break. It sounds like she is being patient with you. And don't take responsibility for anything that she does. That is on her. Take care of you.

 

Have you completely internalized the fact that this was not about you? That this was about her, and her messed up thinking.

[Owl]

To be honest I feel talked out. I did IC since I found out in March about the motel room charge. I really don't care about the poly and at this point I really don't care about the affairs. They happened. Sex or no sex, she cheated.

 

I can't shake the insecurity and the fear if backslide. I am nothing like I was when we married and nothing like I was last year before finding the room charge. Couples therapy worked. I realized how I contributed to the issues that led to her cheating. It doesn't make it ok but I understand I had a hand in it.

 

My self confidence is gone. The last two doctors seemed more concerned with what I did to cause the situation them how to stop feeling insecure and enjoy the new life we have in front of us.

 

She is a differant woman then she was but I can't stop thinking it's out there in the horizon, just looming and waiting to happen again. I have told her if I even suspect anything in the future I'm gone. I'm not doing this again. I shouldn't have had to do it once but like I said. We had problems.

 

You need to realize a couple of things.

 

First off...she chose to cheat...her choice.

 

You're not responsible for preventing her from cheating...you weren't then, and you aren't now.

 

SHE holds all the responsibility for cheating on you...regardless of what others may have tried to insinuate or make you feel, she is responsible for her own happiness, and her own choices. She had other options...cheating was the one she chose.

 

That's not a reflection on you...but on her.

 

Secondly...what will happen to you if she cheats again? Are you going to feel worse than you do now? Really?

 

You're at rock bottom.

 

You need to make a choice...stay or go...before things get better.

 

You can divorce her. She has a track record of cheating. If you don't feel she's learned her lesson and she might do it again, there's a reason to leave. If you think that she HAS learned from this...realize that anyone else you meet may not have learned that same painful lesson that she has...ANYONE you will be with, EVER in your life, CAN cheat on you.

 

You need to decide if you feel she's trustworthy now. That's all that matters if you choose to reconcile and go on together. Or...that's all you need to know if you feel she's not trustworthy, and divorce is in order.

 

My wife cheated on me...had an emotional affair with someone else. I was in your boat in that regard...had to make the same choice about her trustworthiness, and whether or not our marriage was worth rebuilding.

 

I choose to rebuild/reconcile. And it's worked...we've been happy together for several years now.

 

I believe she's learned a painful lesson. I don't believe that she'll cheat again. I also believe that I've learned a painful lesson...and if she WERE to cheat on me again, I wouldn't think about trying to reconcile again. I'd end it then and there.

 

What worked for me may not be the exact same answer for you. Up to you to decide...but, you've got to ask the same questions, and find your own answers in those questions...and do the same thing I did. Pick a direction, get a plan to get there, and make it happen.

 

So...can you forgive her? Can you trust her now? Can you accept the risk that it might happen again, and can you deal with it if it does?

 

Or do you end it now?

[Owl]

How do I go back to March 8th? I need to badly.

 

You don't.

 

You accept that March 8th is over and done with.

 

You learn from the hard, painful lessons of March 9th.

 

Then you start working towards making Jan 21st and the future better.

[tired girl]

I am going to ask again. Have you tried any meds? Are you completely against them?

[LostInM]

I am going to ask again. Have you tried any meds? Are you completely against them?

 

I'm not opposed but I'm not seeing anyone a doctor at the moment. After going through two I'm feeling good about anymore therapy. I don't need to discuss anymore the whys and the how's. We did that. I felt sooo much better. My marriage was fantastic again.

 

But my marriage despite every effort by my wife is turning bad (I feel it is, she constantly tells me it's ok, she's sorry and to please relax. She feels it's better then ever) is going badly again because of me.

 

I'm not me and I don't know how to get back to what I was.

[LostInM]

You don't.

 

You accept that March 8th is over and done with.

 

You learn from the hard, painful lessons of March 9th.

 

Then you start working towards making Jan 21st and the future better.

 

I can't get out of this downward spiral. I'm being ridiculous about **** I already knew about and dealt with.

 

I want to enjoy what is in front of me before I ruin it and it's gone.

 

I don't know how to do that.

[tired girl]

You can see a psychiatrist that won't do talk therapy with you but knows what meds to RX.You may need them just for a short period to help stop the looping thoughts. Once you stop thinking like that you can start building some healthier coping skills for yourself.

[Owl]

I can't get out of this downward spiral. I'm being ridiculous about **** I already knew about and dealt with.

 

I want to enjoy what is in front of me before I ruin it and it's gone.

 

I don't know how to do that.

 

Then you quit sitting there thinking yourself into a funk, and you start changing your life.

 

Get to an IC who can help you deal with your obsessive behavior. One who can prescribe meds to assist isn't a bad idea. Get one that you're compatible with...don't be afraid to dump one to find another if you don't feel they're helping/addressing your needs.

 

Force yourself to change your behaviors, and your way of thinking. It's not easy, but it's doable. When you find yourself starting to think about her past affair...deliberately and intentionally STOP, realize you're going down that path, and REDIRECT your thinking onto something positive instead. Like how good things are now, rather than how bad they were then. It's like changing a channel on the TV. And it gets tons easier with practice.

 

Focus on how good things are, rather than focus on how bad things were.

 

Change aspects of your lives, and learn to reinvest that energy into something more positive. Instead of focusing on that, start working out, take up martial arts, learn a new hobby. One you can do together would be GREAT.

 

You CAN do it. I did.

 

You just have to stop telling yourself that you can't, stop FOCUSING on the 'downward spiral', and deliberately and intentionally create positive change, every day.

 

See my signature for further guidance.

[janedoe67]

She wants me to think nothing really happened and be the good little wife. The cheating, physical or not eliminated that. She will have to accept that.

 

You just answered your dilemma. It's time to divorce.

[drifter777]

I can't get out of this downward spiral. I'm being ridiculous about **** I already knew about and dealt with.

 

I want to enjoy what is in front of me before I ruin it and it's gone.

 

I don't know how to do that.

You say your being ridiculous about stuff you already know and dealt with - I don't think you are being fair to yourself. Whatever you think you dealt with before was built on the false assumption that she didn't have sex with these guys. Finding out about the motel room she paid for knocked down all of the progress you thought you made to that point. And this is all on her. Her decision to lie about the facts back then led to the trickle truth discovery on March 9th. Back then you had no idea of the extent of what she did so what you are feeling now are not the same emotions.

 

The jump from EA to PA is huge for most BH's because it's the sex that can ultimately destroy any chance to reconcile. The BH can't get the picture of his wife and OM in the sack out of his head no matter how hard he tries. Its possible that she didn't do it with him, but you can never know for sure because your wife has decided to take the truth to her grave. Something happened in that motel room that she's not telling you.

 

You are starting over and need to understand this. Don't beat yourself up over feelings you have now that you want to believe were resolved in the past because your world has changed. The wound has been reopened and is bleeding all over again. Address the here and now.

[LostInM]

You just answered your dilemma. It's time to divorce.

 

Your taking that paragraph out of context though. She wants the poly to show that she did screw up badly she didn't have sex. You might be right. Divorce might be the only option but I'm not there yet.

 

I don't need a perfect wife. I need some kind of trust it won't happen again.

[tired girl]

That is built slowly, over time. You have to give yourself time to heal.

[Owl]

Your taking that paragraph out of context though. She wants the poly to show that she did screw up badly she didn't have sex. You might be right. Divorce might be the only option but I'm not there yet.

 

I don't need a perfect wife. I need some kind of trust it won't happen again.

 

As I said...you need to realize that you're going to live the entire rest of your life with the risk that it will happen again. Whether you're with her, or with someone else.

 

The QUESTION you have to face is...do you think that you're more likely to have to face it again with her, or with someone else?

 

And...what can you do to minimize the damage if it DOES happen again, since it will always remain a risk going foward? (Realize, it was a risk BEFORE you knew about it, you just never realized it. No one usually does, until they have to deal with it at some point)

[LostInM]

You say your being ridiculous about stuff you already know and dealt with - I don't think you are being fair to yourself. Whatever you think you dealt with before was built on the false assumption that she didn't have sex with these guys. Finding out about the motel room she paid for knocked down all of the progress you thought you made to that point. And this is all on her. Her decision to lie about the facts back then led to the trickle truth discovery on March 9th. Back then you had no idea of the extent of what she did so what you are feeling now are not the same emotions.

 

The jump from EA to PA is huge for most BH's because it's the sex that can ultimately destroy any chance to reconcile. The BH can't get the picture of his wife and OM in the sack out of his head no matter how hard he tries. Its possible that she didn't do it with him, but you can never know for sure because your wife has decided to take the truth to her grave. Something happened in that motel room that she's not telling you.

 

You are starting over and need to understand this. Don't beat yourself up over feelings you have now that you want to believe were resolved in the past because your world has changed. The wound has been reopened and is bleeding all over again. Address the here and now.

 

I had already assumed a physical affair when we went into therapy. Finding out about the room didn't cause me to think there was sex. A 40 year old isn't going to get into an emotional affair with a guy 15 years younger then her. There is only one reason to go that much younger. Sex. So from the beggining I figured she was screwing him. The room was confirmation of the sex.

[Fluttershy]

I had already assumed a physical affair when we went into therapy. Finding out about the room didn't cause me to think there was sex. A 40 year old isn't going to get into an emotional affair with a guy 15 years younger then her. There is only one reason to go that much younger. Sex. So from the beggining I figured she was screwing him. The room was confirmation of the sex.

 

You are still making a lot of assumptions based only on your reality, perceptions and what You believe to be true.

 

Seriously, it isn't always about sex. Specially for women. It can also be a huge ego boos to have a young hot thing panting after you. I mean for myself when a young guy whistels at me it gives me a little smile. I am not desperate for attention so I don't go looking for that attention but some people do. Or some people fall for it.

 

So once again you KNOW nothing.

 

Get the polygraph. You say you don't care if she is falsly accused the rest of her marriage on this. That is you punishing her. That is not love and that is not a healthy way to keep her in her place: you should want her to pay for the crimes she did not trumped up charges. You have an EASY option to find out the truth.

 

Polygraph!

[LostInM]

Flutter shy I understand what your saying. I'm not trying to punish her. It's been four years now since the affair. I don't care about the sex anymore. She cheated. Plain and simple. The details are less important to me now.

 

If she didn't want me to think she had sex don't rent a motel room with my crefit card.

[Owl]

Flutter shy I understand what your saying. I'm not trying to punish her. It's been four years now since the affair. I don't care about the sex anymore. She cheated. Plain and simple. The details are less important to me now.

 

If she didn't want me to think she had sex don't rent a motel room with my crefit card.

 

OK...so what do you DO NOW in light of this knowledge?

 

Punish her for the rest of her life?

 

Divorce?

 

Figure out how to deal with it and stay married?

 

She cheated...what do you do with that knowledge?

[aliveagain]

Time to agree to a time, 3 months, 6 months what ever you decide, than a decision must be made regarding the future of your relationship. Get yourself independent counselling, this is about you and what you need to be happy. To some of us infidelity is a complete deal breaker, there is nothing wrong with that decision if that is your scenario. What will it take to feel safe with her again? Will a post nuptial agreement help? It takes years of hard work to get trust back, are you both committed enough to do it? The decision that needs to be made is, do you work together to fix the devastation her affairs have caused your relationship or do you finish what her affairs started, the annihilation of what is left of your marriage? This is not her decision, it is yours.

[tired girl]

What owl says. You have to decide if you can move forward or not. It isn't always easy. And some days are up and down. But you are obsessing over this and that is why I suggested meds. Sometimes our minds get stuck in a loop that we can't pull it out of. Or you go to a different counselor to figure out how to do this. Bottom line, you have to retrain your mind to move out of this thought process slowly.

[road]

I don't want to know anything else. She cheated. She was with two guys. I don't need to know more. At this point I don't think it matters if she ****ed him once or a hundred times. I might be wrong though. That's why I'm here.

 

 

 

It is always what information that the BH needs.

 

 

You do not want any more then do not ask your WW. How much do you know at this point?

[harrybrown]

She lied, she cheated. You thought you knew everything, and then the trickle-truth occurred.

 

You had a second D-day.

 

She may have had sex, but it does not matter, because she cheated and lied. Whatever, whether she did the deed or not, she cheated and lied.

 

So you feel like the last on her list, not even the backup plan. You can not believe her because you are back to your original D-day. So she is being nice now, but you can not be with her every second of the day. She could cheat now or still be cheating. Does not sound like she is, but what do I know.

 

So will you be happier if she is completely out of your life with a divorce? It sounds like now, that you are co-dependent with her, and that you do not have any self-esteem. It would be worse without her because your feeling of self-worth are tied up in her.

 

You feel like she chose others over you and you are worthless. Without her approval and her building you up, you would fall apart with your emotional state. So even separating from her makes you worry that you will be alone and rejected by all.

 

She did do this to you with her cheating and lying. You would not be able to take it if she cheats again.

 

So you either have to find a way not to have your self-worth tied to her. Some BS feel this way, but you have to change. You have to make it so you will be fine with her or fine without her. You should be in charge of your happiness.

 

Do things to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, exercise. Yes, counseling. Yes, medical drugs. Yes, doing the 180 to help you so that you are not so tied up with her for you to be happy.

 

You will not follow this, but doing the 180, doing things with guy friends, and separating your happiness from her is necessary for you to build your self-esteem. I am not saying that you need a separation, but is does help some BS.

 

I do hope you will put yourself in charge of your happiness. I have put myself in-charge of my happiness. My wife does have an impact on my happiness still, but I am trying to make it so that I will be fine with her or without her.

 

She may cheat again, as anyone you are with may cheat on you. It is a horrible thing to do to another that you supposedly love.

 

I wish you happiness in taking back your happiness.

[road]

Flutter shy I understand what your saying. I'm not trying to punish her. It's been four years now since the affair. I don't care about the sex anymore. She cheated. Plain and simple. The details are less important to me now.

 

If she didn't want me to think she had sex don't rent a motel room with my crefit card.

 

 

 

How does the BH know. WW lie. That is the MO modus operandi.

 

 

According to your WW she just hung out there or she made reservations though did not go? Having a receipt is no admission that she showed up let alone went there.

 

 

You have not the motive to convict in court. You can not put WW in that room. You can not prove what went on in that room.

 

 

You assume a lot. Assuming is not knowing.

[tired girl]

So you either have to find a way not to have your self-worth tied to her. Some BS feel this way, but you have to change. You have to make it so you will be fine with her or fine without her. You should be in charge of your happiness.

 

Do things to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, exercise. Yes, counseling. Yes, medical drugs. Yes, doing the 180 to help you so that you are not so tied up with her for you to be happy.

 

You will not follow this, but doing the 180, doing things with guy friends, and separating your happiness from her is necessary for you to build your self-esteem. I am not saying that you need a separation, but is does help some BS.

 

I do hope you will put yourself in charge of your happiness. I have put myself in-charge of my happiness. My wife does have an impact on my happiness still, but I am trying to make it so that I will be fine with her or without her.

 

This right here.

[peruano99]

Is she still denying she had a PA?