New Year!!! Reflecting x

[Owl]

Not cheating for a start.

 

Do any of you get me when I say I feel like I've gone crazy?

My emotions are all over the place.

 

I feel as if I'm mental some days....

 

Betsy...I hope you get my point.

 

You AREN'T doing anything specific to fix your situation.

 

You're just sitting there feeling mental.

 

That's why we get frustrated. You come here for advice...completely disregard the very SPECIFIC advice you're giving by claiming you're going to do some very vague and unspecific actions...disappear for a few weeks or months...and then come back to repeat the whole thing again on your return.

 

Frankly...I'm starting to wonder if you are a bit mental.

 

I've given you all the advice I've got...over and over and over. If you can't recall it, just pull up ANY of your threads and go back and re-read them...and you'll see it plain as day.

 

You've gotten all the support and advice that LS can offer you...but until you actually DO something to change the situation (as we've advised to the point of insanity)...all you're doing is complaining, and not changing a damned thing.

[Helen A]

I like coming here to talk as I haven't told anybody in real life.

 

But it is OVER.

 

I want to get OVER it and get it out of my head

[anne1707]

If you really wanted to get over this then you would take real action, not just post the same thread time and time again

 

What are you going to do Betsy?

[Owl]

I like coming here to talk as I haven't told anybody in real life.

 

But it is OVER.

 

I want to get OVER it and get it out of my head

 

It's over...until the next time you get drunk while hanging out with him. Or he manages to arrange things so that the two of you have the time and space, and he doesn't leave you a way to easily back out of it.

 

That's the problem. Unless you confess...these opportunities will always be there...and unless he actually is caught, he's going to keep taking advantage of them. And honestly...you're so afraid, you'll let it happen rather than risk making a scene and getting caught.

 

Truthfully...the only way this stops is when your SPOUSES put a stop to it.

 

And frankly...the fact that it's still in your head just adds to the likelihood that when he gets the chance...he's going to get what he wants. You won't stop him. And he risks nothing because he knows you'll remain quiet.

 

Why should he behave any differently than he has? It works like a charm, every time.

[Helen A]

But owl for him to get away with it again I'd have to want to do it and I honestly don't.

 

This person has played with my feelings he hasn't particularly been very nice to me and whereas I am also awful I have FELT terrible. Whereas he didn't it didn't bother him - so it makes me question a friendship of all these years. He's no friend of ours.

 

I'm honestly at the point now where I will not respond to anything I won't give an inch, he's a nasty peice of work and more importantly I want to be in my OWn life with MY hubby not in his life.

 

It's just that deep down I'm upset by how he was to me and I keep going over it and what I've done and I'd like it all to end....

[anne1707]

Then DO something, not just post here

[Owl]

Well...good luck. As I've said...you got all the advice I can give you, Anne has given you the same I'm sure.

 

Please feel free to post here six months from now and tell the both of us how wrong we were. I'd bet we'd both be delighted to be proven wrong in this case.

[Helen A]

I am but it still doesn't stop the thoughts in my head.

 

And if I tell you in 6 months it's still over Owl because it will be, and I hope to be in a much better place by then.

[Fluttershy]

Some people really can't be dishonest without it causing them to be mental. You sound like one of those types. So as rough and whatever it would be to hecome authentic and allow your husband to make his own mind up that is my first and foremost advice. Confess and seek M/C.

 

But as you want something different here it is.

 

If you have a female friend you can trust with your life confide everything to her. If you don't seek an IC. There are tons of them out there and likedoctors can have very varied opinions. Apprently there are counsellors who advice keeping it a secret and what not. Just try a few out until you find one who tells you what you want to hear. You can tell your husband a lie or tell him you think you might be depressed and want to see a therapist. Don't see how that would be a red flag.

 

Give it a shot anyways. Maybe in your journey you will realize that "the truth shall set you free"

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

You have consistently been given the same advice by more than one poster for months now yet have chosen to ignore all of it. Why is this?

 

Do you think the advice is wrong and, if so, why?

 

Do you think there is another way and if it the way you have taken so far, why do you think that is right when you are still in this mess?

 

Can you understand why only a couple of posters now respond to your threads (I.e Owl and me) when you don't seem to want to change and ignore the advice you are given?

 

What exactly are you prepared to do to get through this? What is it you want to hear from us that you have not heard already? Because I can promise you that it is highly likely that nobody will suggest your current approach will work.

[Owl]

Can you understand why only a couple of posters now respond to your threads (I.e Owl and me) when you don't seem to want to change and ignore the advice you are given?

 

I'm starting to suspect it's because WE'RE mental!

[Helen A]

I don't think I'm that bad. My original threads were when it only just started.

 

Was I that bad liking someone else?

 

You can't help how you feel after all.

[Owl]

Never mind. No value in playing this game anymore. Out.

[Fluttershy]

I don't think I'm that bad. My original threads were when it only just started.

 

Was I that bad liking someone else?

 

You can't help how you feel after all.

 

This forum needs the smiley of head banging against wall...

 

Actually you CAN help how you feel if uou WANT to. It depends what you feed. And EVEN if that is debatable you CAN control how you ACT. That is universally accepted.

 

Now I understand why you won't get real help or take any REAL actions. Doing so would require you to become honest with yourself an possibly others. And that has you frozen in place leaving your mind going in circles.

 

If you actually DO something you might find your MINDSET will change.

[Helen A]

You can help how you act but I don't believe you can help how you feel.

 

If I'm feeling something I'm feeling it....

[Fluttershy]

You can help how you act but I don't believe you can help how you feel.

 

If I'm feeling something I'm feeling it....

 

Sometimes I feel sad. Just because. I can either dwell on the feeling and feed with with sad thoughts or I can look at positive things and choose to see things in a different light. That then causes my "feelings" to change. I think it was betrayedh who said the lawn you water is the one that stays green. The feelings you feed are the ones that grow. I can't is the single most limiting thing a person can say to themselves. It means "i won't"

 

So let's say you become attracted to an unavailable man. Yep, attractions happen but you can nip those "feelings" in the bud by choosingto have control over your thought life or you can feed them by dwelling on them, lyijg to yourself, or acting on them.

 

If i feel hatred for someone... I sure as hell can work on myself and change those feelings.

 

It is all a matter of won't. Not can't. We are not vicims of our emotions unless we let them rule us.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can help how you act but I don't believe you can help how you feel.

 

If I'm feeling something I'm feeling it....

 

 

I can feel one way, get more information, change my perspective....and voila....I changed how I feel.

 

I helped myself in dealing with my feelings. I processed them more fully, and moved forward.

 

What I have learned from life is that feelings might be real, however it doesn't mean they are based on truth nor are they static.

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

You say you want advice yet you ignore it. You are then asked questions to help understand why you ignore the advice and you then ignore the questions.

 

What are you expecting from LS?

[Helen A]

I'm not ignoring advice. What advice am ignoring?

 

I'm NC via texts/ talking/ anything, we don't communicate ALONe it's all over.

I've explained my reasons behind not admitting/ not ending the friendship and it's NOT because I want him it's because it would be really suspicious.

 

I know people don't agree but it is my life.

 

I posted this time to ask about how to stop thinking about it (myself) not for what to do and say etc, I know I've been advised that before.

 

I have read books and I'm doing MY best.

 

I don't expect anything from posters at LS -

I was just asking a general question about getting things out of my head that's all.

[anne1707]

I'm not ignoring advice. What advice am ignoring?

 

How about IC? Proper NC? MC?

 

I'm NC via texts/ talking/ anything, we don't communicate ALONe it's all

over.

I've explained my reasons behind not admitting/ not ending the friendship and it's NOT because I want him it's because it would be really suspicious.

 

This continued contact as "friends" is an insult to your husband and his wife. It is also feeding your continuing obsession with the MOM. That is why you have been advised to do real NC.

 

I know people don't agree but it is my life.

 

Totally agree - it's your life and whatever happens to you will be down to your actions, nobody else.

 

I posted this time to ask about how to stop thinking about it (myself) not for what to do and say etc, I know I've been advised that before.

 

The advice you have been given is to help you stop thinking about him! How on earth can you stop thinking about someone who you still have contact with in some form when you are also not prepared to be honest with yourself about what has happened and what you need to do about it all.

 

I have read books and I'm doing MY best.

 

How exactly? What are you doing differently (other than your version of NC)? What have you learnt about yourself? What behaviours in yourself have you tried to change? What have you done to improve your marriage?

 

I don't expect anything from posters at LS -

I was just asking a general question about getting things out of my head

that's all.

 

And the question has been answered repeatedly in every single thread you have posted. Have you not thought that maybe if you actually followed the advice you would not still be in this mess 8 months later? The posters who have given you this advice have all experienced a version of what you are going through. We are not just doing idle talk. We know what needs to be done based on real life experience.