Rochelley Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 How do you confront your partner when you believe they are cheating? I believe my boyfriend may be cheating but what evidence I have is by no means conclusive. I don’t want to confront him with some wild accusations that in the end turn out to be false and in the process effectively end any trust we have anyway. To be a little more specific we have been together nearly 3 years. We still go out separate on occasion and this is when I believe he may be cheating. He has always been very protective of his phone but a few months back he left it at my place. I managed to guess the password and found some pics on there that suggest he might be doing things with other girls. The best way I can describe them is the girl is giving him oral sex and he has taken a picture looking down at them. At first I thought they were just porn pictures and I was pretty disgusted by that but then one showed his penis and it is very distinctive so that’s when I knew it was him. What I don’t know is whether they are new or old (before my time) photos. That is why I am wary of accusing or even asking him. Even if they are old flames he is still going to be angry that I searched his phone. I'd love to just forget about it because he has given no other indication that he is cheating but you can't just unsee something. I suppose I do have the question of why he hasn't wanted to do the same with me as well. Do I keep digging? Should I confess? I really am so confused on how I should tackle this issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I'm a bit of a technophobe but don't things on mobiles have dates on them? I managed to guess the password and found some pics on there that suggest he might be doing things with other girls. The best way I can describe them is the girl is giving him oral sex and he has taken a picture looking down at them. At first I thought they were just porn pictures and I was pretty disgusted by that but then one showed his penis and it is very distinctive so that’s when I knew it was him. So couldn't you tell when this was taken? In any event, if it is more than 3 years old why has he not deleted it? That would be a red flag to me. You need more proof before you start accusing him of anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 You can approach this one of two ways. First, find a way of getting ahold of that phone again. Then: - Copy the pictures over to a computer so you can see the file properties, which would clearly show when they were taken. and/or - Tell him you were using his phone to take pictures of whatever, and you happened upon those pictures accidentally. Watch his reaction. I would probably do both. However, consider this: You two have been together for 3 years. Has he gotten a phone upgrade in that time? Because I know that most people don't copy over old pictures from their phone onto their new one. So, that would mean they were taken while you two were together. Either way, I would NOT advise just leaving it be. This is the kind of thing that is going to be eating away at you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelley Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I'm a bit of a technophobe but don't things on mobiles have dates on them? Yeah, good point. If I ever get the chance again I will certainly check that. I think at the time I was too much in shock to even think of checking dates. In any event, if it is more than 3 years old why has he not deleted it? That would be a red flag to me. I am certainly not be happy that he is carrying them around with him but I wouldn't consider that break-up material but definitely worth a WTF were you thinking argument. I am far more concerned that they might be recent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelley Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 However, consider this: You two have been together for 3 years. Has he gotten a phone upgrade in that time? Because I know that most people don't copy over old pictures from their phone onto their new one. So, that would mean they were taken while you two were together. Hmmm. Very good point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 That's a pretty big tell . . . way more then some banal text message to some girl. Come clean & ask him. Don't be accusatory. Don't fall for the gaslighting. Admit to the snooping & take that issue off the table but talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Forget the phone. You are not 12 years old. If you have been with someone for 3 years then you should be able to do a thing called...drum roll....TALK. If I was in a relationship and didn't feel I could ask a simple question and not trust the answer then it would not be a relationship worth preserving. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 How do you confront your partner when you believe they are cheating? I believe my boyfriend may be cheating but what evidence I have is by no means conclusive. IMO, if 'confrontation' is the path, collect verifiable evidence and present it without editorial comments. Simply present it and ask to talk about it. Listen. If you don't have evidence, then things get stickier. You can promote evidence gathering by 'stinging' the person, meaning creating a scenario which in LEO language is called 'entrapment'. It's perfectly legal and you know what they say about all being fair in love and war. I don’t want to confront him with some wild accusations that in the end turn out to be false and in the process effectively end any trust we have anyway. Yep, and it feels foolish to boot. BTDT. To be a little more specific we have been together nearly 3 years. We still go out separate on occasion and this is when I believe he may be cheating. He has always been very protective of his phone but a few months back he left it at my place. I managed to guess the password and found some pics on there that suggest he might be doing things with other girls. The best way I can describe them is the girl is giving him oral sex and he has taken a picture looking down at them. At first I thought they were just porn pictures and I was pretty disgusted by that but then one showed his penis and it is very distinctive so that’s when I knew it was him. What I don’t know is whether they are new or old (before my time) photos. That is why I am wary of accusing or even asking him. Even if they are old flames he is still going to be angry that I searched his phone. Data files are generally time-stamped so a person with the skillset to extract that information can assist you. Ask around. I'd love to just forget about it because he has given no other indication that he is cheating but you can't just unsee something. I suppose I do have the question of why he hasn't wanted to do the same with me as well. Do I keep digging? Should I confess? I really am so confused on how I should tackle this issue. Up to you. Hard to advise one way or the other. If your 'feelings' turn primarily on the evidence you have shared, confirm/deny it as applicable and process that. If other, same. Having been married, and having been a MM, my lack of 'protecting' my phone or e-mail accounts remained static throughout our M. They were always open to my exW. Hence, examine consistency first and then examine whether his desire for this kind of privacy, if consistent, matches up with other aspects he demonstrates and with your perspective on relationships. To me, it's about synergy. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Piece of advice. Don't ever give this guy a BJ if he's close to his phone. You could be the next victim. If your in a 3 year relationship with him, he shouldn't have a picture of himself getting a BJ. He sounds lie a guy who doesn't have much respect for any girl in his life past or present. I think you can do better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Real36 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 As a woman who has been in a similar situation I will say that if you have a gut feeling that he is cheating and then find a pic of someone going down on him, then you are probably right. My advice is don't string yourself along. Tell him what you are thinking and see what he says. You don't have to mention the pic and you don't have to accuse, just say that you have a feeling something is not right. Be prepared to hear something that you really don't want to hear. You have been together for long enough to tell if he is lying when he responds to you. Don't ignore your intuition. I did that for a long, long time. It's not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I was in a similar situation as well. I was a text from a guy that came across as incriminating and lead my mind to wonder. I calmly told her that I went through her phone and if she would care to explain what that text meant. She stated it was some guy "bothering her" and that he does it to everyone. I didn't care to hear any further neither did I buy it. I just forced myself to believe and not make a big deal out of it. Bad way to go at it I know bu it was my way to deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelley Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 As a woman who has been in a similar situation I will say that if you have a gut feeling that he is cheating and then find a pic of someone going down on him, then you are probably right. I fear that you are right. It makes me very sad to think that he would cheat, I thought we had something special, something a little bit better than everyone else, just a little spark and tingle when I saw him. I guess I was just another notch to him, that is not a good feeling. I am not going to act on anything just yet. I am determined to get my hands on his phone and I will check the dates on those photos. I still don't get it though, there was no weird texts, no weird numbers, just the photos. That says to me that he has never given his number out to any of these girls but was able to convince them to be photographed while giving him head? One night stands maybe? As attractive as he is, he's not the sort of guy that girls would swoon over and then do the things in the photos soon after. It's hard for me to put this jigsaw together. Link to post Share on other sites
Barbarossa Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 They might be pictures from before you two were together. I like to keep sexual pictures of past experiences to look at anytime I need a pat on the back. I would forget talking to him if he's cheating he's going to lie I don't know why anyone would suggest this? Just check out the photos date and you will get to the bottom of it. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I agree with the others that you should try to get ahold of his phone again and check the date on the photos. That will tell you everything you need to know. As another poster said, if you just confront him at this point, he will likely lie if he has been cheating on you. You need more proof as to when these photos were taken. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 If your in a 3 year relationship with him, he shouldn't have a picture of himself getting a BJ. He sounds lie a guy who doesn't have much respect for any girl in his life past or present. Where do you come up with this shouldn't-should've-would've crap? You're telling her that you can judge a man's character definitively by a pic on his phone? Nobody knows when it was taken, or if it's even him for that matter. If you have a gut feeling that he is cheating and then find a pic of someone going down on him, then you are probably right. Wrong. Gut feeling + unknown pic does not equal conclusive anything. OP, keep an open mind and lay low for the moment. If you can get the date from that pic and it's recent, and if you're sure it's him and not just thinking it might be, then you have something. But otherwise you have nothing but a suspicion. If you tip him off that you're suspicious it will be hard to catch him or gather any more evidence. Set the emotions aside and play it real cool here if you value your relationship. If you don't value it then assuming the worst and breaking up just on the suspicions may be the right thing for you... but that's for you to decide. Other people don't know him or your relationship, and they don't have to live with the consequences of the actions they recommend. Take advice with a grain of salt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelley Posted January 26, 2014 Author Share Posted January 26, 2014 I had a chance to go through his phone and all of these photos have been taken since we were together. There are 4 different girls and 4 different dates on the photos. At first it seems obvious that he is indeed cheating. After trying to compare the dates to what I remember it just doesn't make sense. None of the dates line up with weekends he was away with his mates or away on business trips as far as I can remember. One of the dates we were away on holidays together. We only spent one afternoon apart when I went to a day spa. I can't imagine he chatted up some girl and then talked her into this in the space of 4 hours. Another date was the day after my sisters engagement party. He was in no shape (very very drunk the night before) to go out and do what the photos show. I am almost certain that these are just downloaded photos except that one of the photos shows very clearly his piercing. I mean it could be someone else but it looks exactly like him and is exactly the same piercing. Do downloaded photos show the date that they were downloaded or the date they were taken? Anyway it appears I am going to have to admit that I have been through his phone and ask him point blank about these photos if I want this resolved. Probably what I should have done in the first place. I am just not convinced that I am going to 100% believe his answer which I know is very bad but I just can't shake that feeling. If he says he downloaded them then the question remains as to whether that one photo is really him. If he says it was him then I can't even imagine how but obviously we will be through. If he says they happened before we were together then the question remains as to what the dates show. No real good outcomes as far as I can see, snooping in his phone has done me no favors. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I had a chance to go through his phone and all of these photos have been taken since we were together. There are 4 different girls and 4 different dates on the photos. At first it seems obvious that he is indeed cheating. After trying to compare the dates to what I remember it just doesn't make sense. None of the dates line up with weekends he was away with his mates or away on business trips as far as I can remember. One of the dates we were away on holidays together. We only spent one afternoon apart when I went to a day spa. I can't imagine he chatted up some girl and then talked her into this in the space of 4 hours. Another date was the day after my sisters engagement party. He was in no shape (very very drunk the night before) to go out and do what the photos show. I am almost certain that these are just downloaded photos except that one of the photos shows very clearly his piercing. I mean it could be someone else but it looks exactly like him and is exactly the same piercing. Do downloaded photos show the date that they were downloaded or the date they were taken? Anyway it appears I am going to have to admit that I have been through his phone and ask him point blank about these photos if I want this resolved. Probably what I should have done in the first place. I am just not convinced that I am going to 100% believe his answer which I know is very bad but I just can't shake that feeling. If he says he downloaded them then the question remains as to whether that one photo is really him. If he says it was him then I can't even imagine how but obviously we will be through. If he says they happened before we were together then the question remains as to what the dates show. No real good outcomes as far as I can see, snooping in his phone has done me no favors. Downloaded photos show the date they were downloaded normally. Unless you can get them on to a computer, in which case you will probably see additional information (ie date taken, origin, and others). At this point... just talk to him. Tell him what you've found and how uncomfortable this makes you. Don't let him make you feel guilty for finding the pictures. Demand that he explains himself and THEN deal with the snooping if you're still together when he's finished. Link to post Share on other sites
JessieJ08 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Even if he downloaded the pics you still found them on dates you were with him.... Why would he want to download these pics and risk you ever seeing them today? Like seriously Stop trying to make excuses for whats obvious this guys Is a dirt bag like he needs to be reminded that other girls gave him head before you like he doesn't know his history already he needs pictures of it in his phone!!! WTF IDC what anyone says but usually guys like this are about one thing SEX and BRAGGING about it. He is an Immature boy who likes to not only boast his ego up by using pictures (pathetic) but likes to keep them around or download them when he is in a relationship that just sounds like future husband material right there... YEAHHHHHH... Not saying your wanting to marry him and even if they were taken on these days and it dont line up because he was with you let me tell you an insecure boy has time to cheat a serial cheater has the time to cheat. Its what they do,They dont care when or how they are always seeking opportunity to get any sexual attention to boost their ego. Thats how insecure they are they are desperate. He will bang a girl anywhere dont matter where it is for a thrill then come home and bang you also, He will meet up with other chicks but still see you the same day also it makes no difference to him. He knows he has to be there for you you are in a relationship "locked down" he got you, so if he does get rejected which Im sure he does way more then he doesnt since he has to capture pictures and download them he goes to you to deal with the fact he gets rejected. I wouldn't doubt he has more then one Girlfriend and I can almost guarantee they like you have noticed things about him but they never say anything cus they dont want to lose all the time they have had with him. So be grown stand up for yourself who cares you went thru his phone thats not even the point and if he does make that the point and he doesnt address why these pics are in his phone first yea he is a dog and he is playing you. Most innocent guys who care for their girlfriends when getting busted will try to explain or say sorry for what they got busted for ( taking responsibility for their actions) a guy who has no care for you at all will turn it on you and I say you should leave him if he does this because he never loved you or cared enough to give you a true relationship in the first place. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
JessieJ08 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Another thing why would a guy keep pics of another guy getting head? Answer that for me Im pretty sure its him unless he is bi sexual Im just saying Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 My ex was acting weird for a while. I eventually just said "you cheated on me, didn't you?" and she looked at her feet and couldn't answer. That was enough for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelley Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Why would he want to download these pics and risk you ever seeing them today? I'm not suggesting that we don't have issues as a result of this but the best I can work out is that I doubt he actually cheating. At best he has just downloaded these photos. That's something that we will have to discuss but plenty of relationships have to deal with the male looking at porn. This is a bit worse as he is carrying the photos with him. Or it could be worse, The photos could be of him with previous partners. Again we would have a lot of talking to do as to why he is carrying them with him. Or it could be worse, They could be current photos taken since we were together. Nothing to talk about if this is the case, it's just over plain and simple. The thing is it just isn't likely at all that the last scenario applies so I just have to get from him which of the first two it is and find out what the hell he was thinking keeping them on his phone. Link to post Share on other sites
ctxinfl Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 1. If those are pictures of him with previous partners then he has no reason to have them on his phone. That's disrespectful to you. He needs to get rid of them. 2. If they were taken while you two were going out then you know he's been cheating on you. Multiple times. Kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
mukkrakker Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 How do you confront your partner when you believe they are cheating? How about asking him? Tell him the truth, your saw the photos, you are extremely upset, but it maybe for the wrong reasons... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveorLie Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I was confronted with the same problem and in the end I just needed to know either way so I installed this app one night on his phone and the next day everything had been uploaded and what I found was shocking. I say if you have a bad feeling and are suspicious first confront but if your doubt doesn't disappear take it into your own hands. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 How do you confront your partner when you believe they are cheating? I believe my boyfriend may be cheating but what evidence I have is by no means conclusive. I don’t want to confront him with some wild accusations that in the end turn out to be false and in the process effectively end any trust we have anyway. To be a little more specific we have been together nearly 3 years. We still go out separate on occasion and this is when I believe he may be cheating. He has always been very protective of his phone but a few months back he left it at my place. I managed to guess the password and found some pics on there that suggest he might be doing things with other girls. The best way I can describe them is the girl is giving him oral sex and he has taken a picture looking down at them. At first I thought they were just porn pictures and I was pretty disgusted by that but then one showed his penis and it is very distinctive so that’s when I knew it was him. What I don’t know is whether they are new or old (before my time) photos. That is why I am wary of accusing or even asking him. Even if they are old flames he is still going to be angry that I searched his phone. I'd love to just forget about it because he has given no other indication that he is cheating but you can't just unsee something. I suppose I do have the question of why he hasn't wanted to do the same with me as well. Do I keep digging? Should I confess? I really am so confused on how I should tackle this issue. Well, you certainly broke the trust barrier. But, now it's too late and you move forward with this. He may not want to take pics of you "like" that b/c you mean more to him or he feels that you are NOT "like" that and wouldn't approve. And, oh, there is a way to find out when the pic was taken. Anyway, now that you know, or suspect, you ought to talk to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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