My D Day is here...

[violet1]

Hello all,

 

Well...it happened. I had my D Day a few hours ago. My H knows everything. He found my old text App messages. He's destroyed and woke me up in the middle of the night to confront me. My affair was over, at least the physical part, but I continued to chat with the XMOM. My head is spinning. I never thought I'd get caught. I know, typical cheater's thinking.

 

I'm not sure what the point of this thread is. Maybe I just needed to get it out. If I have any advice for the other MM/MW it would be to never believe you won't get caught. My H used my phone when I was asleep to call his phone because he couldn't find his and the XMOM left messages while I was asleep that my H found. He dug through my phone and knows everything.

 

My M has been in bad shape for a long time, but I blew the problems right up. I guess I thought he didnt care about me or our M, but he's destroyed. I already text the xMOM to let him know my H knows everything, it's over, and we can't speak ever again. Thanks for listening. Please keep in mind, this just happened and I don't know what to do or say. My H understandingly doesn't want to talk to me. He's very disgusted and called me a home wrecker. He said that he was a fool because he's suspected it for a long time. He said that he kept tossing those thoughts out of his mind because he trusted me. It doesn't matter how careful you are, if you cheat, you WILL get caught!

[anne1707]

(((hugs))) Violet

 

In this immediate aftermath, you will both be in shock and facing an extreme range of emotions. Try to be open and honest with your husband as he is trying to figure out what is real and what isn't. Just focus on getting through the next day for now. Longer term thinking can come in when this initial shock is over. You both need to decide whether you want to reconcile or not but that decision does not need to be made yet.

 

Look after yourself

[Snipercatt]

Violet, hugs to you.

 

I'm sending you a PM.

[Goodbye]

If you told the xOM that you never want to speak with him again, does this mean you plan on working on your marriage now? Is that what you want? You said your marriage was bad...have things changed?

[violet1]

If you told the xOM that you never want to speak with him again, does this mean you plan on working on your marriage now? Is that what you want? You said your marriage was bad...have things changed?

 

I don't know what I want anymore. For a long time, I thought I wanted a divorce. The last 3-5 years have been pretty bad. I'm not rewriting marital history either. My H acknowledges the problems, but said I made it worse. Which is true, I'm not denying that.

 

As far as reconciling goes, I don't know that my H even wants to. The hardest part of this that's throwing me off, is that he's being so calm. He has a horrible temper and has said some mean things to me when we fought in the past. He was so different last night. He woke me up and said he knew I was cheating on him. He said he was angry but he remained sooooo calm. He said he wanted to throw my phone against wall, but stopped himself from doing it. In my mind, I always thought that he would have reacted differently. While I have been out banging another married man, he had been working on making personal changes within himself.

 

All I really know is that if we divorce, I want it to be as peaceful as possible. We have custody of my oldest stepdaughter. She and I are very close. Her mother recently died of a drug OD. I don't want her to suffer more because of my choices. My H did say he won't tell her. Sorry for the rambling. My mind is going a million miles an hour right now.

[Got it]

Violet, what do you want? What did you want prior to dday? I think at times the emotions gets people carried away and suddenly they are thinking of what they are going to lose and/or decisions that are being taken away from them but it may or may not be truly what they want.

 

Right now the BEST and loving thing you can do for your husband is get off the fence and stay committed to one side or the other. Do not waffle on being with him "because it is the right thing to do" when you are not in it heart and soul. If you are not in it at 110% then the most respectful and loving thing you can do is let him go so he can find someone that loves him the way he deserves to be loved.

 

I was a MOW but I knew that the affair meant the marriage was over. I could not do the two as I knew cheating was the most disrespectful thing I could do to him/our marriage. So I left the marriage a few weeks later (I had also been planning my divorce).

 

I agree, if you are married an affair is playing Russian Roulette. It is going to blow up at some point so you better have a plan in place. You have been here so you know the drill. Be proactive, and if you want to try and make your marriage work start showing your husband what you are going to do.

 

I would recommend taking tips from LS as well as survivinginfidelity.com, get a therapist for yourself and do that without being told or asked, find a MC and ask your husband if he would like to go. Be transparent, turn over everything and DO NOT TRICKLE TRUTH him. At all. Ever.

 

If you do not want to commit to the marriage, tell him. Be gentle but be honest. Seek out legal counsel, be fair and kind to your spouse. I am not saying you have to roll over on everything but keep big picture in mind. Follow the advice from your lawyer and do not make decisions based on emotions as you will be committed to it even once the emotions fade.

 

Regardless of what road you choose, be the person you aspire to be. Today is the day to be authentic and true to you and others. Either way, get IC to work through your emotions, thought processes, etc. Take care of yourself, eat, drink water, get rest, exercise. Journaling will help you figure out any reoccuring patterns and help you work through this process.

 

((((((violet))))))

[KathyM]

At least now everything is out in the open between you and your husband and can be dealt with, whether that involves separation/divorce or starting to work on the marriage and reconciling. When people have an affair because they feel their marriage is so bad, they put themselves in a limbo where their marriage suffers even more, and rather than working on improving the marriage or deciding to end it, they are in this limbo state where the BS is dragged along for the ride unknowingly. At least revelation of the affair will cause action, whether it be to work on the marriage, or end it, and you both can now start to live authentic lives. In a way, it sometimes feels like a relief to a WS to get the truth out so that it can be dealt with.

[skywriter]

Violet1,

 

Big hugs to you and I'm so sorry for what your husbands going through.

 

I hope that you and your H will do whatever it takes to get your marriage back on track, for your stepdaughter.

[dreamingoftigers]

DO NOT TRICKLE-TRUTH!

TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH.

DO NOT BLAME HIM FOR THE CHEATING.

 

See if you can get you/him/both of you in to see a counselor. Esp. A crisis counselor to help the situation.

 

He may need a sleeping pill or relaxant to deal with the physical symptoms of the betrayal which are INTENSE and unlike anything a betrayed spouse can prepare for.

 

Check into EMDR for him and suggest it.

I don't often recommend pathological caretaking for a spouse but he has just been dealt a serious trauma and will be all over the place.

 

Most likely he will have trouble sleeping

Mood swings

Possible vomiting

And if he's like 89% percent of us he will lose a significant chunk of weight in a short period.

 

Deal with it.

Don't be an unsupportive ahole spouse.

You may not "love him" or "want to be married to him" but you've done the emotional equivalent of running him over with a bus.

 

The least that can be done is being generally kind to him and managing yourself while he tries to sekf-orient while being legitimately physically tense and sick.

 

He wants space: give it to him.

He wants the truth: hand it over

 

Not because "I am on his side."

But because I GUARANTEE he is going through undeserved physical and psychological anguish that EXCEEDS yours at this point.

 

I understand that you are in shock with heavy anxiety as well. The stress is going to be quite hard to deal with. But I guarantee that he is already starting to show actual trauma symptoms and will for months in varying degrees.

 

You don't have to love him or whatever to accept that as fact.

[violet1]

At least now everything is out in the open between you and your husband and can be dealt with, whether that involves separation/divorce or starting to work on the marriage and reconciling. When people have an affair because they feel their marriage is so bad, they put themselves in a limbo where their marriage suffers even more, and rather than working on improving the marriage or deciding to end it, they are in this limbo state where the BS is dragged along for the ride unknowingly. At least revelation of the affair will cause action, whether it be to work on the marriage, or end it, and you both can now start to live authentic lives. In a way, it sometimes feels like a relief to a WS to get the truth out so that it can be dealt with.

 

Honestly, it is a relief. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Unfortunately, I feel like all the weight transferred onto my H's shoulder. My stepdaughter's mom died within the past few weeks. We've been supporting and comforting her lately and this just makes it worst. The pain in my H's face will never leave my mind. He never cries and he was crying. It literally breaks my heart. I feel like the biggest POS.

 

You've made a good point. The discovery will force action. We have been seeing a marriage for awhile now and already have an appointment set up for the week. I agreed to tell the counselor everything with my H sitting there. Hopefully we can make a firm decision about our M through counselling.

[Got it]

Honestly, it is a relief. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Unfortunately, I feel like all the weight transferred onto my H's shoulder. My stepdaughter's mom died within the past few weeks. We've been supporting and comforting her lately and this just makes it worst. The pain in my H's face will never leave my mind. He never cries and he was crying. It literally breaks my heart. I feel like the biggest POS.

 

You've made a good point. The discovery will force action. We have been seeing a marriage for awhile now and already have an appointment set up for the week. I agreed to tell the counselor everything with my H sitting there. Hopefully we can make a firm decision about our M through counselling.

 

Violet, because it tends to be requested, it will probably help to start working on a timeline of things. It is up to your husband but he may want all details or not. Putting together what has happened, when, etc. may be helpful for him.

 

Ask him what he wants from you. I would recommend offering him the suggestion of the different websites as well for his support. Start researching books for you to work through. Some off the cuff are "After the Affair", "Not Just Friends". Regardless of which way you go, "After The Affair" can be helpful.

 

What did you hope to accomplish from having the affair?

[violet1]

DO NOT TRICKLE-TRUTH!

TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH.

DO NOT BLAME HIM FOR THE CHEATING.

 

See if you can get you/him/both of you in to see a counselor. Esp. A crisis counselor to help the situation.

 

He may need a sleeping pill or relaxant to deal with the physical symptoms of the betrayal which are INTENSE and unlike anything a betrayed spouse can prepare for.

 

Check into EMDR for him and suggest it.

I don't often recommend pathological caretaking for a spouse but he has just been dealt a serious trauma and will be all over the place.

 

Most likely he will have trouble sleeping

Mood swings

Possible vomiting

And if he's like 89% percent of us he will lose a significant chunk of weight in a short period.

 

Deal with it.

Don't be an unsupportive ahole spouse.

You may not "love him" or "want to be married to him" but you've done the emotional equivalent of running him over with a bus.

 

The least that can be done is being generally kind to him and managing yourself while he tries to sekf-orient while being legitimately physically tense and sick.

 

He wants space: give it to him.

He wants the truth: hand it over

 

Not because "I am on his side."

But because I GUARANTEE he is going through undeserved physical and psychological anguish that EXCEEDS yours at this point.

 

I understand that you are in shock with heavy anxiety as well. The stress is going to be quite hard to deal with. But I guarantee that he is already starting to show actual trauma symptoms and will for months in varying degrees.

 

You don't have to love him or whatever to accept that as fact.

 

I completely agree and thank you! Whether we divorce or not is irrelevant. I plan on doing whatever I need to do to help him. He's already asked me for space and I'm willing to give it to him. I answered his questions truthfully and told him we can talk about it when he's ready.

[violet1]

Violet, because it tends to be requested, it will probably help to start working on a timeline of things. It is up to your husband but he may want all details or not. Putting together what has happened, when, etc. may be helpful for him.

 

Ask him what he wants from you. I would recommend offering him the suggestion of the different websites as well for his support. Start researching books for you to work through. Some off the cuff are "After the Affair", "Not Just Friends". Regardless of which way you go, "After The Affair" can be helpful.

 

What did you hope to accomplish from having the affair?

 

I will start working on a timeline. That's a really good idea, thank you. No matter what happens, I plan on telling him whatever he wants to know. I told him that it wasn't his fault, but he said that it had to have been something he's done. He kept saying over and over "I never thought you out of all people would do this to me."

 

I don't know what I thought I would gain from having an A. He asked the same thing and I honestly can't answer it.

[Realist3]

Hello all,

 

Well...it happened. I had my D Day a few hours ago. My H knows everything. He found my old text App messages. He's destroyed and woke me up in the middle of the night to confront me. My affair was over, at least the physical part, but I continued to chat with the XMOM. My head is spinning. I never thought I'd get caught. I know, typical cheater's thinking.

 

 

 

It doesn't matter how careful you are, if you cheat, you WILL get caught!

 

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. After emotions settled down you will both find the right path moving forward. Best of luck with this tough situation.

 

I know this doesn't mean much to you now, but you were not being careful at all; you were being excessively sloppy. It was just a matter of time. Since you had to use your own phone it should have been password locked. Secondly, delete all messages as they happen, or at least at the end of the day. How you got busted is the number one way affairs get exposed.

[whatatangledweb]

 

I don't know what I thought I would gain from having an A. He asked the same thing and I honestly can't answer it.

 

Look inwards...honestly this is a big question for BS..was it for attention, to feel desired, an escape, to feel something, etc.

 

If he asks you something please don't minimize it. My husband did that. He thought I would kick him out if I knew how low he had sunk (his words, not mine ) . He wanted to protect me and protect himself. It's hard to build trust when that happens.

 

You are welcome to come over to the infidelity boards. There are several WS there and can help answer questions for you.

[waterwoman]

Thinking of you and your H. So painful xx

[Got it]

I will start working on a timeline. That's a really good idea, thank you. No matter what happens, I plan on telling him whatever he wants to know. I told him that it wasn't his fault, but he said that it had to have been something he's done. He kept saying over and over "I never thought you out of all people would do this to me."

 

I don't know what I thought I would gain from having an A. He asked the same thing and I honestly can't answer it.

 

This is the million dollar question. I would start journaling about it to try and peel back the layers to figure out what your motivators were. Did you want to implode the marriage? Attention? Why were you sloppy in your actions? Did you want to be caught? Why? Why was it "easier" to cheat than to end the marriage?

 

To me, the most obvious reason why one has an affair is because they are done with their marriage. Why? Because it is one of the easiest ways to blow the whole thing up. So if that wasn't what you wanted? Then why do it?

 

I know, hard to answer right now. Just some questions to mull over. We do not act without thinking regardless of how conscious we may be about it. There are thought processes happening. We just have to let them bubble up and become aware of them if one is not in touch with themselves. Start peeling back those layers to figure out what makes you tick.

[violet1]

I'm sorry you are going through this. After emotions settled down you will both find the right path moving forward. Best of luck with this tough situation.

 

I know this doesn't mean much to you now, but you were not being careful at all; you were being excessively sloppy. It was just a matter of time. Since you had to use your own phone it should have been password locked. Secondly, delete all messages as they happen, or at least at the end of the day. How you got busted is the number one way affairs get exposed.

 

Actually, I was very careful. He and I were exchanging texts when I fell asleep. When my husband grabbed my phone (which is password protected), the app was open. I'm not sure how he got my password. All it takes is one slip, my friend. No one, can be perfect all of the time.

[violet1]

This is the million dollar question. I would start journaling about it to try and peel back the layers to figure out what your motivators were. Did you want to implode the marriage? Attention? Why were you sloppy in your actions? Did you want to be caught? Why? Why was it "easier" to cheat than to end the marriage?

 

To me, the most obvious reason why one has an affair is because they are done with their marriage. Why? Because it is one of the easiest ways to blow the whole thing up. So if that wasn't what you wanted? Then why do it?

 

I know, hard to answer right now. Just some questions to mull over. We do not act without thinking regardless of how conscious we may be about it. There are thought processes happening. We just have to let them bubble up and become aware of them if one is not in touch with themselves. Start peeling back those layers to figure out what makes you tick.

 

Okay, this is going to sound ridiculously stupid. I've been wracking my brain all morning and this is all I can come up with right now. Our marriage was getting so bad that every time we'd discuss things, we'd fight. I got so sick of it, I wanted an escape from it all. I was lonely and angry so I sought out my affair. My H cheated on me about a decade ago. It wasn't an RA at all, but I did use his cheating to justify mine. We did finally get into marriage counseling about a year ago, but the affair had already started and I was too chicken sh*t to confess. Then we stopped going for about 7 months and recently started going again. He feels like it's all a sham and I don't blame him for feeling this way.

 

You're right, I do need to peel back the layers. I have been very lost and confused. I haven't been in touch with myself in a very long time. I already mentioned to my H that I need to fix what's broken inside of me before we can even think of a possible R. He completely agreed with that.

[whatatangledweb]

That doesn't sound stupid at all . I can understand that . Now you have to ask yourself why you cheated instead of divorcing. He will ask this sooner or later.

[violet1]

Thinking of you and your H. So painful xx

 

Thank you! I truly appreciate everyone's advice and support. I hope the Moderators will allow me to keep this thread in the OW/OM. I don't really feel as comfortable posting it in the infidelity section at this time. Although I deserve them, I emotionally can't handle the attacks at this time. I know I should have thought about hurting my H before I had an A. He said the same thing and that this should have never happened. He said the only good thing about his discovery is that the past few months make sense to him now. He noticed changes in my behavior. I thought he didn't even notice me.

[blue963]

Just try to take one step at a time. My life in is ruins also, but I am just taking things day by day. You can do this.

[Ruffian1]

To me, the most obvious reason why one has an affair is because they are done with their marriage. Why? Because it is one of the easiest ways to blow the whole thing up.

 

The most obvious reason is because they want too.

The easiest way, if you are “done” with your marriage is to leave and get a divorce, not cheat. Why is it so hard to understand that. Cheating just makes it a million times worse plus brings a third person into the slum.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

DDay is difficult. The wave of emotions over the next few weeks or months will be interesting. Although it is a difficult time, my advice is to be "in it" - do not try to escape any of it - the hurt, the anger, the depression - walk through it. There is no other way. Be careful with alcohol or drugs of any kind - you need to be able to think clearly. Alcohol was my escape for quite awhile and it really did not help anything. I was foggy enough without it.

 

 

Let your husband vent -listen very carefully - he is in pain.

 

 

Above all - take care of yourself - go for walks, get outside (even if it's cold) and breathe the fresh air.

 

 

I'm so sorry.

[BeingMe]

Your post made me cry. You're doing the right things right now. You're focusing on your WH and his pain. You know what? It sounds like remorse from you and that there's still love there for him. Keep hold of that.

 

Be open, no matter how ashamed you are. Do write a timeline. Read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and do everything it says. It will help a lot.

 

Your WH will be on a rollercoaster, up and down from moment to moment. It's a long ride.