My D Day is here...

[whichwayisup]

Just continue being honest, no matter what. Truth is better than any lie, even if it hurts your husband to hear, I'm sure he'd rather know all than to be kept in the dark about details.

 

I hope you and your husband can work through this, enough to still get along as co parents to your step daughter.

 

And I hope exOM respects your choice to end it all and he stays in NC mode.

[Popsicle]

What was wrong with your marriage in your eyes?

[Realist3]

Actually, I was very careful. He and I were exchanging texts when I fell asleep. When my husband grabbed my phone (which is password protected), the app was open. I'm not sure how he got my password. All it takes is one slip, my friend. No one, can be perfect all of the time.

 

 

Once is all it takes, no doubt.

[Got it]

Okay, this is going to sound ridiculously stupid. I've been wracking my brain all morning and this is all I can come up with right now. Our marriage was getting so bad that every time we'd discuss things, we'd fight. I got so sick of it, I wanted an escape from it all. I was lonely and angry so I sought out my affair. My H cheated on me about a decade ago. It wasn't an RA at all, but I did use his cheating to justify mine. We did finally get into marriage counseling about a year ago, but the affair had already started and I was too chicken sh*t to confess. Then we stopped going for about 7 months and recently started going again. He feels like it's all a sham and I don't blame him for feeling this way.

 

You're right, I do need to peel back the layers. I have been very lost and confused. I haven't been in touch with myself in a very long time. I already mentioned to my H that I need to fix what's broken inside of me before we can even think of a possible R. He completely agreed with that.

 

Listen, no reason is stupid. It may be a shallow answer because it is not the bottom lying reason but it is just one layer of the onion. So that is great. Now keep thinking about that, why that was and keep peeling back the layers.

 

Did you guys get therapy for your husband's affair? Did you sweep it under the rug or did you guys fully reconcile. I ask because that was an element in my AP's affair. His wife had an affair that he found out about years later, basically dealt with it on his own and she expressed regret not remorse and felt that it was said and done just move on. That caused a major rift for them and why he emotionally disconnected and his allowance/reasoning for his affair. At that point he felt like he was in it for the kids, waiting for them to grow up and they coparented together. He didn't see that it was a partnership between them but both there because of the kids.

 

One has to own the fallacy and hypocrisy tied to the reason though so deep diving it is important but wanted to let you know you have been heard.

 

You also see the issues with doing MC but not addressing the elephant in the room right?

 

Now is the time that you and your husband have to be very real with each other. Lay yourself bare and stay humble. Doesn't mean you should take abuse but no more defense mechanisms, avoidance, etc. Got to put on the big girl panties and address the many issues you guys are dealing with. ((((violet))) Not for the faint of heart.

[violet1]

Well...it looks like we are for sure heading for divorce. We haven't discussed details yet. I just hope he'll let me see my stepdaughter. I also hope we can get to the point in which we can become friends. I really just want it to end as peaceful as possible. All of this is in his hands now. We've been together since I was 21. I'm pretty scared about starting all over alone.

[Got it]

Well...it looks like we are for sure heading for divorce. We haven't discussed details yet. I just hope he'll let me see my stepdaughter. I also hope we can get to the point in which we can become friends. I really just want it to end as peaceful as possible. All of this is in his hands now. We've been together since I was 21. I'm pretty scared about starting all over alone.

 

Ddays are really emotional so it isn't uncommon for people to swing the pendulum back around with some time. Do you want to divorce? Do you want to fight for your marriage?

 

Either way still take the steps to heal yourself the same if you were in the marriage or not. It will show your husband that you are true to fixing things even without the marriage being in the picture as the catalyst.

 

I see it as the same as this situation, we had an upper management employee who acted very inappropriately while drinking or due to drinking. He fell on the floor (metaphorically) crying about a drinking problem, that he was sorry, he would go to rehab, etc. anything to not lose his job. Well we terminated him because it was very much a black and white situation. Do you think he went to rehab for said drinking problem? Nope. To me the difference between regret and remorse.

 

So if you are remorseful you will go ahead and work on yourself because you want to fix these patterns. I know that was important for me even though I did divorce. I didn't like how I fell down the slippery slopes and realizing how far back the poor coping mechanisms and thought processes went when I realized and learned about affairs. I saw signs as early as my teen/young adult years that I wanted resolved for myself. I knew from a young child that I avoided/hide issues that would cause conflict because of the family I grew up in. And I realized that as scary as it is I wanted to be true to myself and by authentic even if that mean taking the scary road and be transparent about myself, my feelings and my actions.

 

That is something I work on every day and it is of paramount importance in my new marriage. So do it for you. You will be okay. I married my high school sweetheart so it is scary opening a new chapter but there are a lot of amazing things that can happen as well. And I wouldn't say you guys are done quite yet. If it is your husband saying it it may be an emotional backlash to everything and he may not hold true to it. And just because you guys divorce doesn't mean you are done. People get back together but have to bury the old marriage.

 

If you want him then do what you need to do even if he is saying he isn't interested. He is focusing on your actions right now because he can't trust anything you are saying. But heal yourself. You need support now more than ever.

 

I hope you will be able to see your stepchild. That is so hard and so many stepparents lose the relationship with their stepkids after divorce. ((((violet)))))

 

Thinking of you violet, I know that you are in the dead of night right now with everything but you will see, dawn will come, I promise.

[ComingInHot]

Violet1, this is an Awful stitch for everyone who's and is going to be affected. I'm sorry for all of you.

It's honesty time now. Time to get "real" with Yourself, your H And MAP.

What struck me was you wrote, "told mm it's over..." did you do this out of panic or did you suddenly realize the seriousness of your actions and what you stand lose and not want to lose it?

As everyone has said again, it's time to get honest and Stay honest.

My heart goes out to you and your family*

[tired girl]

Another Fww here, sorry you are going through this. My situation was different than your but I really related to what you said about it hitting home for you when you saw the pain in his eyes. You didn't think he noticed you. I know that things can get bad in a marriage, and I am sure that you have not totally re written it in order to have your A.

 

Here is where I caution you, for the first several months after what I did, I was focused on how screwed up my marriage had been, I saw that as the cause. And don't get me wrong, my marriage was screwed up. My H also cheated first, 18 yrs prior to that, I also don't consider mine a RA. But my choice to cheat was all about me and not about the marriage. It was about my poor coping skills and how they failed me when I needed them most. When talking with him, don't talk about the marriage, talk about fixing you, whether you two are together or not. Talk about being there for him, tell him that no matter how bad the marriage was, he didn't deserve this. Because that is the truth. If R gets put on the table, there will be a time in the future to fix the marriage.

 

Good luck to you, and I am sorry for all the pain that is happening right now. I know it is brutal.

[violet1]

Violet1, this is an Awful stitch for everyone who's and is going to be affected. I'm sorry for all of you.

It's honesty time now. Time to get "real" with Yourself, your H And MAP.

What struck me was you wrote, "told mm it's over..." did you do this out of panic or did you suddenly realize the seriousness of your actions and what you stand lose and not want to lose it?

As everyone has said again, it's time to get honest and Stay honest.

My heart goes out to you and your family*

Well, I broke up with the xMOM about a month ago or so. We didnt talk for a few weeks. Then we started talking again as friends. Our messages started turning sexual. He and I wrote the ILY's. My H saw all of that. I did want the A to be over, but I struggled with the NC. I told my H I tried ending it, but understandably he doesn't believe me.

[whichwayisup]

Well, I broke up with the xMOM about a month ago or so. We didnt talk for a few weeks. Then we started talking again as friends. Our messages started turning sexual. He and I wrote the ILY's. My H saw all of that. I did want the A to be over, but I struggled with the NC. I told my H I tried ending it, but understandably he doesn't believe me.

 

If your H wanted to give you a second chance, would you want to try to salvage your marriage?

[violet1]

Ddays are really emotional so it isn't uncommon for people to swing the pendulum back around with some time. Do you want to divorce? Do you want to fight for your marriage?

 

Either way still take the steps to heal yourself the same if you were in the marriage or not. It will show your husband that you are true to fixing things even without the marriage being in the picture as the catalyst.

 

I see it as the same as this situation, we had an upper management employee who acted very inappropriately while drinking or due to drinking. He fell on the floor (metaphorically) crying about a drinking problem, that he was sorry, he would go to rehab, etc. anything to not lose his job. Well we terminated him because it was very much a black and white situation. Do you think he went to rehab for said drinking problem? Nope. To me the difference between regret and remorse.

 

So if you are remorseful you will go ahead and work on yourself because you want to fix these patterns. I know that was important for me even though I did divorce. I didn't like how I fell down the slippery slopes and realizing how far back the poor coping mechanisms and thought processes went when I realized and learned about affairs. I saw signs as early as my teen/young adult years that I wanted resolved for myself. I knew from a young child that I avoided/hide issues that would cause conflict because of the family I grew up in. And I realized that as scary as it is I wanted to be true to myself and by authentic even if that mean taking the scary road and be transparent about myself, my feelings and my actions.

 

That is something I work on every day and it is of paramount importance in my new marriage. So do it for you. You will be okay. I married my high school sweetheart so it is scary opening a new chapter but there are a lot of amazing things that can happen as well. And I wouldn't say you guys are done quite yet. If it is your husband saying it it may be an emotional backlash to everything and he may not hold true to it. And just because you guys divorce doesn't mean you are done. People get back together but have to bury the old marriage.

 

If you want him then do what you need to do even if he is saying he isn't interested. He is focusing on your actions right now because he can't trust anything you are saying. But heal yourself. You need support now more than ever.

 

I hope you will be able to see your stepchild. That is so hard and so many stepparents lose the relationship with their stepkids after divorce. ((((violet)))))

 

Thinking of you violet, I know that you are in the dead of night right now with everything but you will see, dawn will come, I promise.

Thank you for this! I know need to work on myself. Seeking attention from others to escape my marital problems was not a healthy thing for me to do.

 

I still don't know if I want to R or D. My H is in the same boat. Now he says he does want R but he wants to put a block on all adult sites on my phone. He wants phone records and everything. If we R, I know I have to do what he needs to heal. I don't know... His emotions change every minute now. We were watching a show yesterday, laughing together and then he starts bringing up the A. One minute he wants to kiss me and the next he wants me to stay away from him.

 

When he cheated on me 10+ years ago, we weren't married at the time. However, we were living and paying bills together. He always from day one said his cheating wasn't that big of a deal because we weren't married. I do wonder if this is something I've resented all of these years. We never went to a couple's counselor for it. I told his family at the time it happened and they all said too "You're not married, you didnt take any vows." I was angry that he didn't take our relationship seriously until we got married. I thought I got over it and moved past it, but maybe not?

[violet1]

If your H wanted to give you a second chance, would you want to try to salvage your marriage?

 

I don't know at this moment. My feelings about R keep changing like my H's do. I don't want to uproot my stepdaughter's life. I don't believe staying for her would be the right choice either. These are things we need to seriously discuss during our counselling session this week.

[violet1]

Another Fww here, sorry you are going through this. My situation was different than your but I really related to what you said about it hitting home for you when you saw the pain in his eyes. You didn't think he noticed you. I know that things can get bad in a marriage, and I am sure that you have not totally re written it in order to have your A.

 

Here is where I caution you, for the first several months after what I did, I was focused on how screwed up my marriage had been, I saw that as the cause. And don't get me wrong, my marriage was screwed up. My H also cheated first, 18 yrs prior to that, I also don't consider mine a RA. But my choice to cheat was all about me and not about the marriage. It was about my poor coping skills and how they failed me when I needed them most. When talking with him, don't talk about the marriage, talk about fixing you, whether you two are together or not. Talk about being there for him, tell him that no matter how bad the marriage was, he didn't deserve this. Because that is the truth. If R gets put on the table, there will be a time in the future to fix the marriage.

 

Good luck to you, and I am sorry for all the pain that is happening right now. I know it is brutal.

Oh my! Is this ever brutal. It's amazing how much everything changes when a D Day occurs.

 

What my H is struggling the most with is that he says he was miserable and lonely in our M too, but he didn't cheat. Thank you for the advice. I have been talking a bit too much about our marital problems and it's making him angry. I just don't know how to respond to him. How long do go feeling like you're walking on egg shells?

[tired girl]

You may go a long time feeling like you are walking on eggshells. We are four years out, he just had his four year anti this past weekend. It is rare that I see the pain in his eyes now. To give you a bit of hope. That first year, I didn't think I would ever see the day.

 

What do you say? You say you are sorry for bringing this into your lives. You say that there is no reason good enough for what you did, because there isn't. You say that you are sorry for not seeing his pain as well. You tell him he is right when he says he is the one who didn't cheat. When he is talking about his pain, you put yours to the side. Now is not the time for it. His is 1000x greater. Listen, be there, be present. And get to a place sooner rather than later on whether you want to R.

 

PM me if you want. So sorry you are going through this.

[awkward]

Wow it sounds like things are terrible at home. Do you still want to be with your affair partner? Now that it is all out in the open, it seems like you could walk away from your marriage and divorce.

 

If you decide to reconcile, it is going to be a lot of work. Even that feels like an understatement. Your husband is going to have a hard time getting through this. Do you even love your husband? If you still love him then I can see working on the marriage and trying. But recently you were sending your OM ILY texts. Are you in love with the OM?

 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Do you see your husband married or dating another woman? Do you see your AP married or dating another woman? How does that make you feel?

 

Have you considered IC to figure out what it is that you want? Have you considered a separation from both your AP and your husband?

[MuddyFootprints]

You both have a lot to process and it can not be done overnight. This is especially true for him.

 

I'm a fww and know exactly how difficult this is for you both. Feel free to pm me, as well.

[ladydesigner]

Oh my! Is this ever brutal. It's amazing how much everything changes when a D Day occurs.

 

What my H is struggling the most with is that he says he was miserable and lonely in our M too, but he didn't cheat. Thank you for the advice. I have been talking a bit too much about our marital problems and it's making him angry. I just don't know how to respond to him. How long do go feeling like you're walking on egg shells?

 

First I am very sorry you and your husband are going through this. In answer to the bold, there are still times we both feel like we are walking on eggshells ( both of us had A's as well) and we are 2 years out from Dday his and mine. Right after a Dday though it takes a good year for the BS to just process what has just happened to them. I had wild mood swings for a good six months until I had enough therapy and medication to help me.

[sidney2718]

Okay, this is going to sound ridiculously stupid. I've been wracking my brain all morning and this is all I can come up with right now. Our marriage was getting so bad that every time we'd discuss things, we'd fight. I got so sick of it, I wanted an escape from it all. I was lonely and angry so I sought out my affair.

 

This sounds fairly honest to me. You probably also simply wanted to get your head petted with some affection from time to time.

 

I suspect though that your husband won't believe it. Why? Because he'd likely not agree that the problems you and he were having were serious enough to threaten the marriage. DON'T argue with him about this if you want to reconcile.

 

Reconciliation is harder than divorce. Divorce takes only one while reconciliation takes two. Your husband will be riding the roller-coaster for a couple of weeks yet and will be peppering you with questions. Answer them in a straight-forward non-accusatory manner and go from there.

 

But, once you are both on the road to reconciliation, your problems with the marriage will have to be dealt with. He's probably got problems with the marriage as well. You have got to work them out or there can be no real reconciliation. This will be painful but is absolutely necessary.

 

You have my best wishes. Just remember, the marriage isn't over until it is OVER.

[tired girl]

Actually her H will be riding the roller coaster for a few years, and will probably ask questions at least for the first year. If he decides to stay, and you do too. And he doesn't rug sweep it. R isn't for sissies.

[harrybrown]

I agree with you. R is not for sissies.

 

It has been over three years since I found out about my WW affair.

 

Some days the pain is less than others.

 

It seems like it will never be over until I die.

 

It is so much better to just divorce, than do this to someone you used to love.

 

I did think at one time in our 36 years, before she was caught that she did care about me. We will not be celebrating the 40th anniversary joke later this year.

 

Hope you and your H can find some peaceful times this year. It does sound like divorce would be a better choice.

 

You would then be free.

[MuddyFootprints]

I agree, reconciliation is definitely not for pussies. While divorce may be the easier route, I wouldn't be hasty to advocate it.

Edited January 21, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[ZMM]

Hang in there, Violet!

 

Make sure you do what is right for you, this is your deciding moment.

 

Good Luck.

[violet1]

My stepdaughter had a rough day yesterday. She was crying at school. I also lost my mom when I was in my pre teens. She's about the same age I was. I understand what she's going through. My H and his family aren't quite as sensitive to the situation. My H said something pretty mean to her because she accidently left the door open and our dog got out and almost got hit by car. She was crying nonstop. Before her mom's passing I was sure I wanted to divorce my H, but I feel like she needs me and that I shouldn't leave now.

 

My H and I are both classic rug sweepers. He didn't talk about the A at all yesterday. He basically acts like nothing happened. Our counseling appointment is tomorrow so hopefully we figure something out.

[ZMM]

My H said something pretty mean to her because she accidently left the door open and our dog got out and almost got hit by car.

 

I can understand both sides of this, definitely don't want anything to happen to the dog. But, I am sure it wasn't intentional, so no need to be harsh. However, she does need to know that this type of carelessness could cost the dog its life, no second chances with that. So, please be more careful going forward.

[violet1]

I can understand both sides of this, definitely don't want anything to happen to the dog. But, I am sure it wasn't intentional, so no need to be harsh. However, she does need to know that this type of carelessness could cost the dog its life, no second chances with that. So, please be more careful going forward.

 

Yeah, I see both points too. Luckily I screamed loud enough that the car stopped, but it was pretty scary. The comment was just out of line. He said something like only stupid people leave the door open when there's a dog in the house. I know he didn't mean to hurt her. We are all close to our dog. So it would have been devastating if he would have been hit. My stepdaughter is not well emotionally. At the moment, she takes everything personal. She kept screaming, I know I'm stupid. It was just a mess.