My D Day is here...

[ZMM]

Yeah, I see both points too. Luckily I screamed loud enough that the car stopped, but it was pretty scary. The comment was just out of line. He said something like only stupid people leave the door open when there's a dog in the house. I know he didn't mean to hurt her. We are all close to our dog. So it would have been devastating if he would have been hit. My stepdaughter is not well emotionally. At the moment, she takes everything personal. She kept screaming, I know I'm stupid. It was just a mess.

 

Yeah, that comment is definitely out of line. I know someone who always likes to blame someone even when it is clear no one is at fault, the only exception is when she is the one at fault. Not a good way to be. Accidents happen.

 

He may be stressed out, but he shouldn't take it out on the kid. She probably felt bad enough. Thank goodness you were there to save the dog!

 

That's a big point in your favor on the goodness scale!

[tired girl]

He may be taking a bit of sideways anger out on her and not realizing it. This happened several times after my H's Dday. Bring this up in counseling so that he can be aware of it and direct it where it should be. You. I made sure when my H was going off on our kids to step in and say quietly that it wasn't them he was angry with it was me, so could he please stop yelling at them. That usually stopped him pretty quick. Once he realized that he was doing it, he stopped after a few months.

 

He may not be saying anything, but it is all there beneath the surface. Don't be afraid to bring it up. Apologize. Tell him you are there, ask if he wants space. Try to get him to verbalize what he wants from you.

[Got it]

It sounds like with everyone that is going on the whole family needs counseling. You guys are dealing with a large number of major issues that you are in crisis mode. The three of you need individual support as well as family support as you grieve the different losses.

 

((((violet)))))

 

Being a dog owner - the dog should be trained so it doesn't run out the door but waits on command. So it shouldn't matter if the door is left open. Not trying to pile on, by any means, but for your husband to understand that this is not an issue with your daughter, this is a training issue that should be addressed.

[violet1]

He may be taking a bit of sideways anger out on her and not realizing it. This happened several times after my H's Dday. Bring this up in counseling so that he can be aware of it and direct it where it should be. You. I made sure when my H was going off on our kids to step in and say quietly that it wasn't them he was angry with it was me, so could he please stop yelling at them. That usually stopped him pretty quick. Once he realized that he was doing it, he stopped after a few months.

 

He may not be saying anything, but it is all there beneath the surface. Don't be afraid to bring it up. Apologize. Tell him you are there, ask if he wants space. Try to get him to verbalize what he wants from you.

Yeah, I worry that he's indirectly pushing the anger onto her. She's a complete emotional wreck and he doesn't know how to handle her anymore. I told him he needs to take it easy on her, but he said that she's being too sensitive. He said that her not being all there emotionally is not a valid excuse if the dog had been killed.

[violet1]

It sounds like with everyone that is going on the whole family needs counseling. You guys are dealing with a large number of major issues that you are in crisis mode. The three of you need individual support as well as family support as you grieve the different losses.

 

((((violet)))))

 

Being a dog owner - the dog should be trained so it doesn't run out the door but waits on command. So it shouldn't matter if the door is left open. Not trying to pile on, by any means, but for your husband to understand that this is not an issue with your daughter, this is a training issue that should be addressed.

We've had my stepdaughter in IC since we've had custody of her. Which was about 8 months or so ago. I've been seriously thinking about getting into IC myself. The past few years have been very difficult for us.

 

You are absolutely correct. Our dog needs better training. He's a smaller mixed dog and has been very difficult to train from day one. He's over 3 years old now. It scares the hell out of me when he gets out because he runs around the entire neighborhood and doesn't stop even when we call his name. My H mentioned last night that he wants to put him in training classes when it gets warmer.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I worry that he's indirectly pushing the anger onto her. She's a complete emotional wreck and he doesn't know how to handle her anymore. I told him he needs to take it easy on her, but he said that she's being too sensitive. He said that her not being all there emotionally is not a valid excuse if the dog had been killed.

 

Then tell him to stop and direct his anger at you, not his daughter! Does he not see that she can't handle much right now? He is acting like a real jerk to his own flesh and blood, upsetting her and being mean. WTF. He needs to stop that behaviour immediately and apologize to her.

[violet1]

Then tell him to stop and direct his anger at you, not his daughter! Does he not see that she can't handle much right now? He is acting like a real jerk to his own flesh and blood, upsetting her and being mean. WTF. He needs to stop that behaviour immediately and apologize to her.

 

Yes, I agree. I told him this morning that he needs to talk to her. Those two have been fighting quite a bit before her mom died and now it's worse. He doesn't know how to deal with a teenaged girl at all. After the incident yesterday, I've decided we need to try and make our M work for my sweet stepdaughter's sake.

Edited January 22, 2014 by violet1

[peruano99]

Is your step daughter your husband's daughter or the daughter of your friend?

[Scott Thomas]

Has you husband indicated that he wants to reconcile or is he willing to end the marriage?

 

I applaud your desire to 'work' on your marriage but I think you need to focus on the problems in your marriage, the reasons you had an affair and how your husband will cope with it. The fact that you care for your stepdaughter is admirable but I'm sceptic about staying married simply for her sake while not working on the ramifications of your affair.

 

Good Luck

[violet1]

Is your step daughter your husband's daughter or the daughter of your friend?

 

My husband's daughter. I'm not in contact with the exMOM.

[violet1]

Has you husband indicated that he wants to reconcile or is he willing to end the marriage?

 

I applaud your desire to 'work' on your marriage but I think you need to focus on the problems in your marriage, the reasons you had an affair and how your husband will cope with it. The fact that you care for your stepdaughter is admirable but I'm sceptic about staying married simply for her sake while not working on the ramifications of your affair.

 

Good Luck

I've actually been going back and forth on what would be the right reasons to stay in my marriage in my mind. My husband wants to reconcile now. I honestly don't know what to do. I love him and would never want anything bad to happen to him, but I'm not in love with him. I haven't been in love with him for years. I don't know if it's possible for those feelings to come back. These are things I will be discussing in our therapy session tomorrow.

[harrybrown]

I am glad that you will be honest with your H.

 

That will feel like a kick in the teeth to your H, but I would rather have the honesty any day than the lies and the deception.

 

Sometimes that hurts just as much as the affair.

[Scott Thomas]

I remember a similar thread on another forum. I'll message it.

The couple managed to reconcile even though the wife was determined to divorce the H.

It's better to end things, regardless of how difficult it my seem, than continuing with a sham. On the other hand, if you are willing to work on your marriage then it might be saved.However, this depends on your desire, and effort, to reconcile.

[violet1]

My H and the daughter went to the store last night. He came home and gave me flowers. He said he knows I've been having a hard time and wanted to make me feel better. I'm confused! Why would a man who I betrayed want to do nice things for me? I've never heard of a BS giving presents right after a D Day. I've already told him that my actions were not his fault. His reactions are not of the typical BS. I just don't get it. Why is he not trying to punish me? Why is he not raging full force? I don't know... maybe he's rug sweeping? Blaming himself?

[harrybrown]

Maybe he loves you, sees the good in you and is trying to be nice.

 

I think that should move him up a notch in your eyes.

[violet1]

Maybe he loves you, sees the good in you and is trying to be nice.

 

I think that should move him up a notch in your eyes.

Yes, it does. It's just that everything I thought in my mind would happen on D Day didn't. I thought for sure he'd want a divorce if he found out.

 

I hope this thread helps some single OM/OW's see that D Days are game changers. When you see the pain on your BS's face it changes everything. I haven't mentioned the exMOM much. Yes, I do still have feelings for him and I didn't throw him under the bus either. I never blamed him for the A. He emailed me yesterday and said he feels like he lost his best friend, he loves me and blah blah... The thing is, he was never planning on leaving his M anytime soon. He still wants to cake eat with me. As much as I do care for him, I can't take it underground. I can't cause my H anymore pain. I told him that as much as it hurts that I have to let him go. I also told him to ask himself if our affair is worth the potential pain we are causing our families. He says that he will respect my wishes. This time I blocked him which is what I should have done the first time around. He and I were in our own little fantasy world. When the fantasy bubble popped, everything changed. This is the first time I heard from him since I told him not to contact me again. I just needed to add that in so it all makes sense.

Edited January 23, 2014 by violet1

[dreamingoftigers]

My H and the daughter went to the store last night. He came home and gave me flowers. He said he knows I've been having a hard time and wanted to make me feel better. I'm confused! Why would a man who I betrayed want to do nice things for me? I've never heard of a BS giving presents right after a D Day. I've already told him that my actions were not his fault. His reactions are not of the typical BS. I just don't get it. Why is he not trying to punish me? Why is he not raging full force? I don't know... maybe he's rug sweeping? Blaming himself?

 

I reached out a lot to my husband after D-day. Even when I wanted to leave I let him know that I cared about him. Cards etc.

 

Its not like the love dies at all once another reason betrayal is so painful

[Spark1111]

tell your H immediately that OM contacted you again and said he will respect your wishes for no more contact and that it is OVER.

 

Tell your H that MOM is now blocked.

 

Just keep telling the truth about it all. Do not let him discover this on his own.

 

Remember, you have a right to decide not to decide....give yourself time to sort it out.

 

Also, DDAY doesn't end the friendship, the memories, the sharing of all those years together.

 

Flowers was a nice touch. Why not start putting some kind feelings into a card for your BS?

[ladydesigner]

tell your H immediately that OM contacted you again and said he will respect your wishes for no more contact and that it is OVER.

 

Tell your H that MOM is now blocked.

 

Just keep telling the truth about it all. Do not let him discover this on his own.

 

Remember, you have a right to decide not to decide....give yourself time to sort it out.

 

Also, DDAY doesn't end the friendship, the memories, the sharing of all those years together.

 

Flowers was a nice touch. Why not start putting some kind feelings into a card for your BS?

 

What Spark said. You will need to tell your H about the contact with xOM. It could be a dealbreaker if he finds out later.

[Spark1111]

Violet, 95% of BSs take back a WS after DDay.

 

Most marriages blow apart after DDAY, and it is directly related to how willing the WS is to telling the truth of the affair, being willing to go full press NC with the AP, and being to do whatever it takes to heal the BS.

 

The handling if the aftermath is MORE predictive of the ending of the relationship than the actual affair.

 

You have a small and short window of opportunity here to do the right thing for your H, whether you stay married or divorce.

 

Do the right thing.

 

Be courageous.

 

You will not regret it.....no matter what the final outcome of your marriage.

 

I wish this for you. Good luck.

[Anne Boleyn]

Violet, when my ex-husband found out about my affair and said he wanted to give it a go again, he did the same thing. Flowers, gifts, letters... I think part of it was because it was like we were starting over and these are the things he did when we first got together. Maybe it was because he thought it was expected... You know, the old axiom that girls like flowers, gifts... So if he gets flowers, gifts, that it's restarting that something that faded away... And everything else is so complicated that the simplicity of the simple gesture of flowers is a safe jumping off point... I don't know.

 

 

I know that when he did it, it was a genuine expression of his want to work past the affair and try again.

 

 

I don't know, when I was there, it almost felt like you were shy high school kids trying to figure out what to do to impress somebody that they see every day at school but don't really know. Or don't know like they thought they did.

 

 

Either way, good luck to the both of you.

[peruano99]

Violet, 95% of BSs take back a WS after DDay.

 

Most marriages blow apart after DDAY, and it is directly related to how willing the WS is to telling the truth of the affair, being willing to go full press NC with the AP, and being to do whatever it takes to heal the BS.

 

The handling if the aftermath is MORE predictive of the ending of the relationship than the actual affair.

 

You have a small and short window of opportunity here to do the right thing for your H, whether you stay married or divorce.

 

Do the right thing.

 

Be courageous.

 

You will not regret it.....no matter what the final outcome of your marriage.

 

I wish this for you. Good luck.

 

95 % of BS take back a WS? Where did you get this info?

[Berkley]

95 % of BS take back a WS? Where did you get this info?

 

 

Not even close - stats I've seen seem to point in the other direction:

 

 

 

• 69% of marriages don't survive an affair.
  
• Studies suggest that only 31% of marriages make it through infidelity.
  

Also...that 7 out of 10 marriages involve infidelity.

[HermioneG]

Not even close - stats I've seen seem to point in the other direction:

 

 

 

• 69% of marriages don't survive an affair.
  
• Studies suggest that only 31% of marriages make it through infidelity.
  

Also...that 7 out of 10 marriages involve infidelity.

 

Where are your stats from, if you don't mind me asking?

 

http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

 

And then there are these:

 

http://www.salon.com/2011/06/12/infidelity_3/

 

I think when the range in studies goes from 10-76%, the one thing you have to remember is that in a situation which involves deception and lying- it is impossible to get a true reading.

 

The highest percentages are linked to the Kinsey report in 1948.

 

More recent studies place it far, far lower.

 

The best analysis, in my opinion, concerning sexual infidelity- with 97 cultures identified, is Helen Fisherms work- which puts it pretty low:

 

http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/INFIDELITY.pdf

 

 

http://blog.ted.com/2014/01/23/10-facts-about-infidelity-helen-fisher/

Edited January 24, 2014 by HermioneG

[peaksandvalleys]

My H and the daughter went to the store last night. He came home and gave me flowers. He said he knows I've been having a hard time and wanted to make me feel better. I'm confused! Why would a man who I betrayed want to do nice things for me? I've never heard of a BS giving presents right after a D Day. I've already told him that my actions were not his fault. His reactions are not of the typical BS. I just don't get it. Why is he not trying to punish me? Why is he not raging full force? I don't know... maybe he's rug sweeping? Blaming himself?

 

 

Seems like you see there is not a hard and fast rule about how BS are supposed to act. There is no typical. The raging will come. Some of us just get there faster than others.