Is there a d-day handbook?

[solostand]

Just curious about this. It seems ALWAYS when there is a D-day the bs immediately insists on absolutely NC, followed by MC.

 

Which is fine, but I wonder HOW do they know to do this? Is it instinct? Not everyone is computer savvy, although it does make logical sense when you think of it. But for it to happen RIGHT AWAY. You're caught - no contact - marriage counseling next week.

 

This is just out of curiosity. We have not had a Dday. I have on my list of things to do is to discuss what to do when or if there is a Dday with MM. I did tell him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if caught. I explained why. He said "good to know".

[BeingMe]

No handbook...but ask yourself, what would be YOUR non-negotiables in that situation?

 

My first thoughts were to make sure that the A was truly over, or he was gone. And we needed to get help because i was overwhelmed with the pain. Therefore NC and MC.

[hippetyhop]

MC? Do you mean marriage counseling for them? Not always.

 

Each DDays are different. Some include the AP being thrown under the bus, some come clean, some still deny, deny, deny. It all depends on what was found out and the approach.

 

For me, my Dday in June didn't involve me. The BS was given a heads up on some things he was into early in their marriage (can you guess?). She never confronted him about it, but beat around the bush by constantly asking "do you have something to tell me". He kept denying because she never fully came out and asked him. I think there are issues at home as we were supposed to have a lunch date a few weeks ago, but he had to cancel as the BS was home from work and he didn't want her driving past his work to make sure he was there.

 

What she was informed of lead to us going very LC, then I ended it telling him to focus on his marriage. He contacted me in Oct and we were LC since. Last week when he said he needs me as a friend more than anything right now, "what will be will be", everything will fall into place, this isn't the end. He said it was by his design--including his non-calling me, etc. I asked him if everything was okay at home since he quit calling me; he didn't come out and say yay or nay, but said we were okay...whatever that means. I'm not holding my breath on anything.

 

Instinct wise--not quite sure. I would think most would just try and protect themselves, while some just admit and take fault. What would you do if you were caught red handed?

[MissBee]

Just curious about this. It seems ALWAYS when there is a D-day the bs immediately insists on absolutely NC, followed by MC.

 

Which is fine, but I wonder HOW do they know to do this? Is it instinct? Not everyone is computer savvy, although it does make logical sense when you think of it. But for it to happen RIGHT AWAY. You're caught - no contact - marriage counseling next week.

 

This is just out of curiosity. We have not had a Dday. I have on my list of things to do is to discuss what to do when or if there is a Dday with MM. I did tell him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if caught. I explained why. He said "good to know".

 

This isn't how dday works for everyone.

 

It isn't as cut and dry as this.

 

There is usually lots of chaos before this happens for lots of people and that chaos often includes: MM being kicked out/asked to leave, the BS choosing to leave and go elsewhere, telling other people etc. It's not usually this immediate "Go NC and let's go to MC" type of deal. Usually a lot of other things happen before that point. IF a reconciliation is going to happen then after the initial shock and so forth eventually at some point decisions are made about ending the A and going to MC. In true reconciliation also, it's not just the BS who is heading this charge, but the MM has to be the one to choose these things as well.

 

There is no handbook in the way you're describing, it's common sense once the chaos dies down that if a reconciliation is to happen: the A has to stop and for the A to stop it obviously means not speaking to the OW anymore (NC) and most people cannot work through this on their own so require a professional's input so marriage counseling then becomes the common sense solution.

[hippetyhop]

This isn't how dday works for everyone.

 

It isn't as cut and dry as this.

 

There is usually lots of chaos before this happens for lots of people and that chaos often includes: MM being kicked out/asked to leave, the BS choosing to leave and go elsewhere, telling other people etc. It's not usually this immediate "Go NC and let's go to MC" type of deal. Usually a lot of other things happen before that point. IF a reconciliation is going to happen then after the initial shock and so forth eventually at some point decisions are made about ending the A and going to MC. In true reconciliation also, it's not just the BS who is heading this charge, but the MM has to be the one to choose these things as well.

 

There is no handbook in the way you're describing, it's common sense once the chaos dies down that if a reconciliation is to happen: the A has to stop and for the A to stop it obviously means not speaking to the OW anymore (NC) and most people cannot work through this on their own so require a professional's input so marriage counseling then becomes the common sense solution.

 

Very nicely said.

 

Or, they both live in denial that anything is wrong or ever happened.

[Sub]

You won't have as much control over D-Day as you think you will. The ball is mostly in his BS's court, and you'll just have to react. You can plan all you want, but aside from the fact that it doesn't sound like your MM gives a crap what you think should happen, the BS will probably run the show if she's smart. Given that she has a support system that will probably include their children, I think you'll be surprised at how much control she'll take of the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Very nicely said.

 

Or, they both live in denial that anything is wrong or ever happened.

 

This rarely happens, if there is a DDAY, people, especially a BS, doesn't stick her/his head in the sand and pretend there was no affair or AP, especially when caught.

[hippetyhop]

You won't have as much control over D-Day as you think you will. The ball is mostly in his BS's court, and you'll just have to react. You can plan all you want, but aside from the fact that it doesn't sound like your MM gives a crap what you think should happen, the BS will probably run the show if she's smart. Given that she has a support system that will probably include their children, I think you'll be surprised at how much control she'll take of the situation.

 

Adding onto Sub-- They may still try to sneak around, but it might be too much for them in the sense of getting out to see you, or general contacting. You'd be surprised how paranoid they turn.

[Got it]

You won't have as much control over D-Day as you think you will. The ball is mostly in his BS's court, and you'll just have to react. You can plan all you want, but aside from the fact that it doesn't sound like your MM gives a crap what you think should happen, the BS will probably run the show if she's smart. Given that she has a support system that will probably include their children, I think you'll be surprised at how much control she'll take of the situation.

 

Again this varies. I think there have been many BS who did not have the control they wanted/desired. Yes you do in regards to asking for a divorce, but if the MP does not concede control there are a number of people that end up in limbo, the affair going underground, etc.

[hippetyhop]

This rarely happens, if there is a DDAY, people, especially a BS, doesn't stick her/his head in the sand and pretend there was no affair or AP, especially when caught.

 

Unless my xMM never told me (pretty likely), his BS head is still in the sand.

 

A friend of mine was caught having an affair--his wife was sent pictures of him and her together and the BS has him on a leash, but still tends to believe otherwise.

[whatatangledweb]

Just curious about this. It seems ALWAYS when there is a D-day the bs immediately insists on absolutely NC, followed by MC.

 

Which is fine, but I wonder HOW do they know to do this? Is it instinct? Not everyone is computer savvy, although it does make logical sense when you think of it. But for it to happen RIGHT AWAY. You're caught - no contact - marriage counseling next week.

 

This is just out of curiosity. We have not had a Dday. I have on my list of things to do is to discuss what to do when or if there is a Dday with MM. I did tell him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if caught. I explained why. He said "good to know".

 

After I told him if he wanted her to get the f*** out. He beg to stay, etc. So the first instinct is to cut that person out of his life. Cut all ways to communicate. That starts to show me that he wants to be with me. I never said anything about MC.

 

There is no handbook. I have been on many boards and d-day goes all kinds of ways. There is no set way it is done. The majority want NC but other than that, it goes differently.

[goodyblue]

My guy didn't give over any control at all. He just left.

[MissBee]

You won't have as much control over D-Day as you think you will. The ball is mostly in his BS's court, and you'll just have to react. You can plan all you want, but aside from the fact that it doesn't sound like your MM gives a crap what you think should happen, the BS will probably run the show if she's smart. Given that she has a support system that will probably include their children, I think you'll be surprised at how much control she'll take of the situation.

 

Good point, he seems quite unconcerned. His "good to know" is as nonchalant as it gets.

[Baby123]

My mini Dday- I will call it mini as MM just ignored the discovery and the BS's demands and left as promised after xmas on the date he had always promised.

[sunburned]

solo, I find your posts very frustrating. you keep asking about ddays, being in denial, etc. Same posts, different phrasing. Your MM seems to enjoy all the drama of which he is the center in your provincial Canadian town. I think maybe you do too. In past posts you've described his replies as very smug, such as "I've got it under control." This time, it's "good to know." If you two love each other so much and have been involved for over a year, why can't you just ask him for some serious answers. The questions being "What exactly will you say when your wife confronts you with evidence?" "What exactly will you do when she confronts you with evidence?" Why are you lingering around waiting for dday? She may or may not be choosing to ignore the evidence, but if she doesn't raise the issue, I think one of her children may drop the bomb.

Slightly off thread but certainly related to threads past, I just can't understand why you stay with this guy. You frequently (very frequently) describe yourself as smart and beautiful. You seem to revel in the fact that your MM "throws hundred dollar bills" at you and ogles you in bikini. Guess what? Guys in strip clubs do that too. You have referred to yourself as a "hot side piece." Shouldn't someone has "hot" and "intelligent" as yourself be aiming a little higher?

Edited January 20, 2014 by sunburned
spelling

[Snipercatt]

There are Dday handbooks on several internet sites, but they are mostly written for the BS; some for the WS.

 

You could read those, I suppose, to understand what you might be in for.

[joanofark]

my mm was in mc for what seems to be his entire marriage. she is an idiot. but then again maybe so am i. lol

[SolG]

I was overseas when my MM and his W had a DDay - she found some texts on his phone between us. Fortunately only a few older ones that he'd inadvertently missed that were loving, but relatively tame. This is how he managed to convince her that we had been in a very short-term EA that was now over. Things were very tense of course, and his wife demanded NC and he agreed. He also agreed to enter MC again. (Which they start in April when their choice of counsellor is available.)

 

So this does seem like the standard response. But also a very understandable one, and all the literature would indicate the appropriate one for attempting to heal and R.

 

However, he emailed me as soon as he could (the next day) to let me know; and then we Skyped to discuss when able. He picked me up from the airport when I flew back in and we spent a very emotional week together working through everything and deciding whether to continue our A or not. We obviously decided on the former course.

[hippetyhop]

I was overseas when my MM and his W had a DDay - she found some texts on his phone between us. Fortunately only a few older ones that he'd inadvertently missed that were loving, but relatively tame. This is how he managed to convince her that we had been in a very short-term EA that was now over. Things were very tense of course, and his wife demanded NC and he agreed. He also agreed to enter MC again. (Which they start in April when their choice of counsellor is available.)

 

So this does seem like the standard response. But also a very understandable one, and all the literature would indicate the appropriate one for attempting to heal and R.

 

However, he emailed me as soon as he could (the next day) to let me know; and then we Skyped to discuss when able. He picked me up from the airport when I flew back in and we spent a very emotional week together working through everything and deciding whether to continue our A or not. We obviously decided on the former course.

 

I was wondering what your story was.

 

Don't hold your breath with any of this. Things may be very tense for awhile. Sometimes during MC the WS just "goes with the flow" to keep things in tact at home. I'm not saying that is what your xMM will do though. Its hard, but just let them be during this time.

[solostand]

solo, I find your posts very frustrating. you keep asking about ddays, being in denial, etc. Same posts, different phrasing. Your MM seems to enjoy all the drama of which he is the center in your provincial Canadian town. I think maybe you do too. In past posts you've described his replies as very smug, such as "I've got it under control." This time, it's "good to know." If you two love each other so much and have been involved for over a year, why can't you just ask him for some serious answers. The questions being "What exactly will you say when your wife confronts you with evidence?" "What exactly will you do when she confronts you with evidence?" Why are you lingering around waiting for dday? She may or may not be choosing to ignore the evidence, but if she doesn't raise the issue, I think one of her children may drop the bomb.

Slightly off thread but certainly related to threads past, I just can't understand why you stay with this guy. You frequently (very frequently) describe yourself as smart and beautiful. You seem to revel in the fact that your MM "throws hundred dollar bills" at you and ogles you in bikini. Guess what? Guys in strip clubs do that too. You have referred to yourself as a "hot side piece." Shouldn't someone has "hot" and "intelligent" as yourself be aiming a little higher?

 

Thank you for calling me a prostitute. Very helpful.

[cocorico]

I think how DDay will go - if you have one - will depend on many things, and is probably difficult to predict with certainty. However, if it bugs you, I'd suggest discussing a clear course of action with your MM and some agreed "codes" (to let you know what's gone down) and procedures (if you want to continue).

 

Some MM deny everything, whatever the evidence they are confronted with. some MM use the opportunity to tell the BS the truth about the R. Some minimise, some "throw the OW under the bus", some simply walk away. If you have discussed it beforehand and have an agreed way of dealing with it, it is more likely the MM can follow that script with the BS and the DDay need not be too traumatic for your R.

[hippetyhop]

I think how DDay will go - if you have one - will depend on many things, and is probably difficult to predict with certainty. However, if it bugs you, I'd suggest discussing a clear course of action with your MM and some agreed "codes" (to let you know what's gone down) and procedures (if you want to continue).

 

Some MM deny everything, whatever the evidence they are confronted with. some MM use the opportunity to tell the BS the truth about the R. Some minimise, some "throw the OW under the bus", some simply walk away. If you have discussed it beforehand and have an agreed way of dealing with it, it is more likely the MM can follow that script with the BS and the DDay need not be too traumatic for your R.

 

To add on--they may also tell you "I'll protect you so you don't get hurt" which usually means no contact because they're paranoid.

[snappytomcat]

I was calm the day I found out my husband cheated,i called him at work he rushed right home,and asked me what I wanted to do,and needed from him,i never told him to not contact the ow,he did on his own,he begged me to stay,he signed us up for mc,which first few visits I went,but my head wasn't into it,but I saw the remorse in his eyes,the guilt,and the sadness,and he never threw the ow,under the bus until she started acting crazy,sending me nasty emails,and texts,and even threatened my children(which thanks so much who said I should go to local law enforcement I did)so now he says he sees clearly the type of person she is,and he tells me all the time,even though dday was horrible,i saved him that day,we are doing really good,its not perfect we have ups,and downs but I guess that's very normal

[solostand]

solo, I find your posts very frustrating. you keep asking about ddays, being in denial, etc. Same posts, different phrasing. Your MM seems to enjoy all the drama of which he is the center in your provincial Canadian town. I think maybe you do too. In past posts you've described his replies as very smug, such as "I've got it under control." This time, it's "good to know." If you two love each other so much and have been involved for over a year, why can't you just ask him for some serious answers. The questions being "What exactly will you say when your wife confronts you with evidence?" "What exactly will you do when she confronts you with evidence?" Why are you lingering around waiting for dday? She may or may not be choosing to ignore the evidence, but if she doesn't raise the issue, I think one of her children may drop the bomb.

Slightly off thread but certainly related to threads past, I just can't understand why you stay with this guy. You frequently (very frequently) describe yourself as smart and beautiful. You seem to revel in the fact that your MM "throws hundred dollar bills" at you and ogles you in bikini. Guess what? Guys in strip clubs do that too. You have referred to yourself as a "hot side piece." Shouldn't someone has "hot" and "intelligent" as yourself be aiming a little higher?

 

I feel I need to address this post, which I found quite cruel.

 

First of all, the "good to know" wasn't nonchalant, it was truly a "That is good information to have" response.

 

We have discussed a D-day and what will happen. He believes she will throw him out and get a divorce lawyer on speed dial. He will allow this.

 

As far as the "beautiful" thing. Well, here is the truth. I am an ugly duckling turned into an apparent swan later in life. I was a very unattractive child and teenager, and my sister was beautiful. She told me I was ugly at every opportunity. She would do so even today if I spoke to her. I have great insecurities about my looks, I have internalized the belief that I am ugly, but I have been told over and over and over again that I am beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous, et cetera. I never really believe it. But even women stop me on the street to tell me I am beautiful.

 

I am intelligent. This year I wrote a book and wrote and produced a documentary.

 

I don't recall ever saying he ogled me in a bikini. Maybe I did. I know I spent a lot of time on the beach with him in a bikini.

 

Throwing hundred dollar bills around? That is his way of showing love. I told him that last week and he said if that were the case he would have to give me fifty thousand dollars every time he saw me.

 

But the truth is, he is very generous not only with me but with ALL his friends. Last week he gave a man in his village $1500. That man wasn't dancing off a pole. He gave another man $500, because he needed it. In hospital, he gave his roommate, whom he did not know, $400 because he couldn't stand to see the man crying because his electricity was to be cut off. This week he agreed to co-sign for a mortgage for his nephew. He does it because he CAN.

 

When I said I was a "hot side piece" I think I was being sarcastic.

 

My main worry about a D-day is, if it does happen, and things don't go as planned, will I have a chance to say good-bye?

[peaksandvalleys]

Just curious about this. It seems ALWAYS when there is a D-day the bs immediately insists on absolutely NC, followed by MC.

 

Which is fine, but I wonder HOW do they know to do this? Is it instinct? Not everyone is computer savvy, although it does make logical sense when you think of it. But for it to happen RIGHT AWAY. You're caught - no contact - marriage counseling next week.

 

This is just out of curiosity. We have not had a Dday. I have on my list of things to do is to discuss what to do when or if there is a Dday with MM. I did tell him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if caught. I explained why. He said "good to know".

 

 

Always? I didn't insist on NC. I didn't care whether they were in contact or not. Some of us take the scorched earth approach as I have seen it described here.