solostand Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 This is a delicate issue, especially for single OW/OM. My MM knows I date, but he does NOT want to know the details. He says that is to be my secret. He claims he is not jealous, but I can tell he is especially when other men notice me when I'm with him. Because I'm so sucked into him, I don't have sex with anyone else. But I never told him that until last week. I didn't know if I was making a mistake telling him that but I said I don't have sex with other men because I can't have sex with two men at once, and I wouldn't want to give him a disease. He said he was very happy to hear that. He said when we first started out 15 months ago he worried that I would give him Chlamydia or something. He said he wasn't worried so much about the disease - but about the consequences. Where we live, all STDs have to be reported to public health, and all past and present sex partners have to be informed. His wife is a retired public health nurse who used to be the one to inform those sex partners, so he couldn't imagine her taking that phone call from a colleague. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I felt the same way you did until this round. I then thought if he's having sex with her, I can go out and have sex with others as well. I'm not in a committed relationship and at the same time, I never denied not having sex with anyone but him (Its not like I have a revolving door in my house but I learned how to separate feelings). Of course, I took precautions and whatnot-but its hard to think otherwise. You think you are in a committed relationship, but you aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I think it's a tremendous ego boost for the MM to know that his OW is faithful to him while he gets to do whatever he wants. Yes, it was a mistake telling him, IMO. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 This is a delicate issue, especially for single OW/OM. My MM knows I date, but he does NOT want to know the details. He says that is to be my secret. He claims he is not jealous, but I can tell he is especially when other men notice me when I'm with him. Because I'm so sucked into him, I don't have sex with anyone else. But I never told him that until last week. I didn't know if I was making a mistake telling him that but I said I don't have sex with other men because I can't have sex with two men at once, and I wouldn't want to give him a disease. He said he was very happy to hear that. He said when we first started out 15 months ago he worried that I would give him Chlamydia or something. He said he wasn't worried so much about the disease - but about the consequences. Where we live, all STDs have to be reported to public health, and all past and present sex partners have to be informed. His wife is a retired public health nurse who used to be the one to inform those sex partners, so he couldn't imagine her taking that phone call from a colleague. So what's the question? Do you use condoms with MM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 Nope. No condoms. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 This is a delicate issue, especially for single OW/OM. My MM knows I date, but he does NOT want to know the details. He says that is to be my secret. He claims he is not jealous, but I can tell he is especially when other men notice me when I'm with him. Because I'm so sucked into him, I don't have sex with anyone else. But I never told him that until last week. I didn't know if I was making a mistake telling him that but I said I don't have sex with other men because I can't have sex with two men at once, and I wouldn't want to give him a disease. He said he was very happy to hear that. He said when we first started out 15 months ago he worried that I would give him Chlamydia or something. He said he wasn't worried so much about the disease - but about the consequences. Where we live, all STDs have to be reported to public health, and all past and present sex partners have to be informed. His wife is a retired public health nurse who used to be the one to inform those sex partners, so he couldn't imagine her taking that phone call from a colleague. What a passive role he was taking with it if he was concerned. He could have discussed with you, used protection, etc. Sounds like he was worried but other than internally thinking about it he took no actions, outside of luck, to prevent it from happening. Odd. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 how can you not use condoms with someone who's sleeping with someone else?! 13 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Nope. No condoms. Maybe I'm super cautious, which is fine by me: but unless I am in a monogamous relationship where we've gotten tested, that's a fool's game I don't wish to play. I don't want a disease or chance pregnancy for a married man or for a man I'm not committed to, i.e. married to. If I'm sleeping with a married man I would be using condoms AND birth control to be double sure. That's how it was in my A. Sleeping with someone married to someone else without condoms doesn't make sense to me personally. And the MP who is also doing this is really something else, as your spouse expects that you're in a monogamous relationship and you're not, and an OW/OM can say they aren't sleeping with anyone else but there is no guarantee of that, so unless tested frequently you in fact are always putting your spouse's health at risk as you cannot 100% control that your affair partner is only sleeping with you, and if you haven't ever gotten tested before you haven't a clue what they have or don't have from beforehand. I'm not trying to judge you solo, but this is one of the things that irks me and that I feel is soooo incredibly careless, selfish and foolish on the MM's part and naive on the OW's part. I really think OW should give themselves some chips and some trump cards. Fine, you love this married man or whatever, but honestly, I don't think a MM deserves ALL privileges of a single boyfriend/spouse when he ISN'T your single bf or spouse. Save something that at least shows okay, we will do this, but until you give me your all you can't have my ALL. That's how I see it anyway. A MM can give your 1/4 of himself and OW give 200% and then some....don't. I don't even sleep with my single bfs without condoms, never have and it's just my personal choice not to ever do so unless you put a ring on it, furthermore when I was an OW and I'm gonna sleep with someone whom I know is most likely, i.e. definitely sleeping with someone else. But ditto: MM feels great that you're only sleeping with him and pledging your faithfulness while he does as he pleases. Edited January 20, 2014 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 how can you not use condoms with someone who's sleeping with someone else?! Unfortunately, I think this is more common than not--especially if parties love each other. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Unfortunately, I think this is more common than not--especially if parties love each other. Ridic. I see it and I'm like huh?! Didn't sex ed help anyone? Am I the only one who was thoroughly scarred and aware that "love" doesn't mean anything when it comes to diseases and pregnancy and love doesn't mean anything when your "love" is in fact married to another person. I may get high off the love chemicals but when it comes on to my sexual and reproductive health that buzz quickly fades and common sense kicks in. That is also something I don't think I could forgive if my SO cheated. If they cheated and went without protection, they have disrespected me even more, put me at risk even more and have shown their idiocy even more and it would be almost impossible for me to forgive that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 He said when we first started out 15 months ago he worried that I would give him Chlamydia or something. He said he wasn't worried so much about the disease - but about the consequences. An adjunct question would be, respectful of the fact that you're having unprotected sex, when was the last time he provided you with his STD test sheet? You know you're having unprotected sex with him. Everything else is unknown. I find it interesting that he would be worrying about you giving him a STD but not worrying enough to protect himself. Interesting. Myself, as a single OM (long ago), I confined sex to exclusive monogamous relationships (still do) and, not knowing for sure whom the MW's were having sex with, I refrained. In at least one case, that was smart, as she later told me personally that she had been having sex with another third party, in addition to her H. That's how life goes sometimes. Be safe out there. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Ridic. I see it and I'm like huh?! Didn't sex ed help anyone? Am I the only one who was thoroughly scarred and aware that "love" doesn't mean anything when it comes to diseases and pregnancy and love doesn't mean anything when your "love" is in fact married to another person. I may get high off the love chemicals but when it comes on to my sexual and reproductive health that buzz quickly fades and common sense kicks in. That is also something I don't think I could forgive if my SO cheated. If they cheated and went without protection, they have disrespected me even more, put me at risk even more and have shown their idiocy even more and it would be almost impossible for me to forgive that. I saw a male BS write about this on another board. He found out his wife was cheating and it was with a MM. He asked did she use protection. She said no, he was safe as he had been married along time. The BS told the MM's wife about the affair. She needed to tell him something and she said it was embarrassing to talk about. Then she said he and his wife needed to be tested. That her husband had HIV and herpes and have given them to her a long time ago. They got tested. Both had herpes. The HIV test was clear but the doctor told them they needed to be tested again in a few months. Just because someone has been married awhile or looks "clean" does not mean they are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 An adjunct question would be, respectful of the fact that you're having unprotected sex, when was the last time he provided you with his STD test sheet? You know you're having unprotected sex with him. Everything else is unknown. I find it interesting that he would be worrying about you giving him a STD but not worrying enough to protect himself. Interesting. Myself, as a single OM (long ago), I confined sex to exclusive monogamous relationships (still do) and, not knowing for sure whom the MW's were having sex with, I refrained. In at least one case, that was smart, as she later told me personally that she had been having sex with another third party, in addition to her H. That's how life goes sometimes. Be safe out there. Good luck. Good advice! Not to mention it is not unheard of that MM may not be newcomers to the cheating game and may have slept around with other women before or sometimes have more than one OW or even ONS. So yea, I think you shouldn't rely on "love" or "trust" when you're in an affair to determine your use of protection. You know they're cheating already, use that as a clue that maybe you should be a bit more cautious than normal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I saw a male BS write about this on another board. He found out his wife was cheating and it was with a MM. He asked did she use protection. She said no, he was safe as he had been married along time. The BS told the MM's wife about the affair. She needed to tell him something and she said it was embarrassing to talk about. Then she said he and his wife needed to be tested. That her husband had HIV and herpes and have given them to her a long time ago. They got tested. Both had herpes. The HIV test was clear but the doctor told them they needed to be tested again in a few months. Just because someone has been married awhile or looks "clean" does not mean they are. Ditto. Sex Ed 101: you cannot look at anyone and know what they have and loving someone doesn't cure them of any disease they may have before you met them. Lots of people get diseases from people they love and trust, heck this person is married and for all intents and purposes should be monogamous but isn't, so you loving them is relying on magic and not science to understand that diseases (and unplanned pregnancies) aren't inoculated by love and trust lol. A wife trusting her husband is understandable, an OW trusting her cheating MM that he has no disease is less so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 It is kind of ironic since he was a teacher for 30 years and taught sex ed. He used to tell his students "You are going to feel a tingle in your pants. That does not mean you are in love!" As for pregnancy, well he has had a vasectomy and I have had menopause so it would truly be a miracle baby. He says he has sex with his wife maybe once every six months. I believe him because long ago I indicated that I expected he would be having sex with his wife since they are married! As far as him cheating on me with someone else - it is possible I suppose but I can't imagine it. The guy is in bed at 8 p.m. every night and I know where he is most every minute of the day. Not because I demand to know, its just the nature of the relationship - we talk a lot. And the reason he did not ask - he probably did not want to upset me. He can't stand it when I'm angry at him. He is also very inexperienced in bed - shockingly so. Normal stuff that I thought everyone does nowadays is new to him. Like a woman being on top, for example. I know he has cheated on his wife before but they were drunken one night stands. When he talks about his previous sexual experience, it is always experiences he had before marriage. Now, before you say he's just lying and hiding, he knows all about mine - including a previous affair - and he knows I'm not the judgy kind. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 It is kind of ironic since he was a teacher for 30 years and taught sex ed. He used to tell his students "You are going to feel a tingle in your pants. That does not mean you are in love!" As for pregnancy, well he has had a vasectomy and I have had menopause so it would truly be a miracle baby. He says he has sex with his wife maybe once every six months. I believe him because long ago I indicated that I expected he would be having sex with his wife since they are married! As far as him cheating on me with someone else - it is possible I suppose but I can't imagine it. The guy is in bed at 8 p.m. every night and I know where he is most every minute of the day. Not because I demand to know, its just the nature of the relationship - we talk a lot. And the reason he did not ask - he probably did not want to upset me. He can't stand it when I'm angry at him. He is also very inexperienced in bed - shockingly so. Normal stuff that I thought everyone does nowadays is new to him. Like a woman being on top, for example. I know he has cheated on his wife before but they were drunken one night stands. When he talks about his previous sexual experience, it is always experiences he had before marriage. Now, before you say he's just lying and hiding, he knows all about mine - including a previous affair - and he knows I'm not the judgy kind. To the bold: all the more reason it's foolhardy. As when people have drunk sex with strangers it's likely protection is lax and they don't know what they could be catching. In an age of condoms and STD tests and when someone is a sex ed teacher it just seems irresponsible. But to each her own. My own rule to an OW or if I was gonna cheat: use protection if this person isn't your spouse or you're not in a monogamous relationship. Period and point blank, no other justification needed. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 We found out after Dday that MOW had genital warts previously....not a current out break. Do you think she bothered to inform him of that while trying to schedule meet up and overnights? Nope. Thank god the never had intercourse/oral sex. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 awwww bless the old 'never have sex with the wife' line I'm lucky with my mm he's never tried to feed me that line and if he did I would lmao right in his face 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 He's a retired sex ed teacher? Where is the *falling on the floor laughing my azz off while smacking my forehead* icon? OMG! HE doesn't use condoms with you? Are you FKIddingMe? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I'm sorry if its offensive but not using condoms with someone you KNOW is dig using and ASKING for trouble 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Once again, this boils down to making good choices, FOR YOU! It is crucial for the direction your life takes. You are the caption of your ship. Fix your navigator one decision at a time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Ridic. I see it and I'm like huh?! Didn't sex ed help anyone? Am I the only one who was thoroughly scarred and aware that "love" doesn't mean anything when it comes to diseases and pregnancy and love doesn't mean anything when your "love" is in fact married to another person. I may get high off the love chemicals but when it comes on to my sexual and reproductive health that buzz quickly fades and common sense kicks in. That is also something I don't think I could forgive if my SO cheated. If they cheated and went without protection, they have disrespected me even more, put me at risk even more and have shown their idiocy even more and it would be almost impossible for me to forgive that. Yes Miss Bee you are right... And IT IS SO NASTY....ladies really think about this....it would be like sharing a tampon! Why the hell would any of you think this is okay? I am very sensitive on this subject because one of my best friends got HIV from her .cheating boyfriend she had been with for almost 10 years. He contracted it while cheating and passed it right along to her. I know many of you believe he is only sexing you but that is likely not true. It just makes no sense to me....perhaps a refresher sex ed class would help? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Sounds like they said HIV out of spite. Really? Thats your response to this sad story? You are in denial. This does happen. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) To be honest, sometimes when I read Solo's threads, I feel like they are messing with us. I could be completely wrong. That's besides the point, though. Start using protection, don't be irresponsible about sex considering your relationship status with him. Edited January 20, 2014 by sweet_pea 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissTakes Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 awwww bless the old 'never have sex with the wife' line I'm lucky with my mm he's never tried to feed me that line and if he did I would lmao right in his face There is so much in this thread that is killing me, but this is the only comment that made me straight up laugh. I'm totally with you! I think I would laugh hysterically, and when I finally caught my breath, I'd tell him, "Okay, let's be real for a second. I already know that you're a liar: you're sleeping with me, and I'm sure you're telling your wife that you're not. So now you're going to try to tell me that you're not sleeping with her? Let's keep the lies today to a minimum, shall we?" And to the topic in general - as a public health professional, I would never, ever, ever sleep with someone without a condom unless we were in a steady, monogamous, long-term relationship - i.e. fiancé or marriage. Otherwise there is just too much at risk. I'm also a big advocate of the birth control backup - I had a pregnancy scare the week after I ended the A. Talk about terrible timing... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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