A Wife's Sexual History

[georgecostanza]

First of all you view it as 'not valuing her body' that she has had sex with other people. I'd say this isn't right. Sex is enjoyable, why deny your body the pleasure?

 

Look, people go through different periods where they are attracted to different people. Yes, sometimes girls are attracted to douchebags. But she's in love with you. Does it really matter that she has been with other people? If anything it's a good thing - she's not going to be wondering what it's like with somebody else. I could never date a virgin. Your problem isn't her history, it's your ego.

[Eggplant]

I, for example, am not a virgin, and I was not left by any of my partners. None of my previous partners left me. It was I who left always. Not that it matters, who breaks up with whom, but your assumption that a woman who is not with an ex is necessarily abandoned is wrong.

[mukkrakker]

Do you twist it into some cuckold fantasy

 

oh, I didn't realize she was still having sex with these past boyfriends.

 

Oh wait, she isn't, just in your mind.

 

Dude, did you tell her about every time you whacked off to some other chick in your head? (or maybe on your screen?)

 

She sounds perfect.

She deserves someone with more compassion, integrity and balls.

[Iguanna]

That's why we don't marry one stand night sexual partners.

[dreamingoftigers]

Figures.

 

..

 

Funny considering judging someone based on their sexual past is the whole point of the thread.

 

Funny too that you dug that right up.

 

Didn't pull any rabbits out of any hats for any other posters.

 

Must've known what you were looking for.

----------------------------------

 

So is your girlfriend's past (irrespective of the "common worldview of others") a dealbraker or not?

 

If so, end it. Despite the fact that she's an otherwise good person.

 

If not, proceed and work out why you would compare yourself as a chump to other guys who know nothing of your very existence.

 

At the end of the day do YOU view married men of women with pasts (even low-count partner pasts like your girlfriend) to be chumps?

 

Do you think that your girlfriend longs for these other encounters or thinks they were superior in some way?

 

Have you looked into Retroactive Jealousy?

I had a terrible case of it.

My husband had a significant past. Including screwing in a tank outside the Mewata Armoury.

How much fun was that to drive by there everyday?

 

My Retroactive Jealousy Turned out to be linked to previous trauma and abandonment/shaming.

It dissolved after EMDR.

 

Well, that, and having sex in our own weird places like the train car at a Nebraska Tourist Information Center.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just got off the phone with my girlfriend. Things are very great. I can't wait to fly across the country to see her tomorrow.

 

I am gonna call up her dad and ask for permission to marry her in a week or so. I think some of you are not very at ease with my un-obvious rhetorical style or un-theraputic rationale, but I am at peace with that. I am also very accustomed to hearing contradictions to it pretty much everywhere I turn, except from her of course.

 

My girlfriend loves me and agrees with all the same stuff I believes about sex. She was going through a rough time. We both think it was wrong of us to start like that and wish things could have been different. We both think it is superior to have fewer sexual partners than more. On the phone just now, we could tease each other about it and make fun of ourselves for it (A very good sign according to the Gottman institute). It's like some of you, on the other hand, could detect the sexual negativity in me and just couldn't bear to leave it be. You are so threatened by these ideas.

 

You really don't have to think the same way and you don't have to hate me/us for thinking that. Maybe it is just rough on you because of the crap you see on movies/tv and you crave uniformity. She is not western: would you hate everyone from her culture for being different? To be honest, I have very little respect for your displays of closed-mindedness and quick emotions.

 

Um.

I can't help myself.

 

So you didn't hear your worldview reflected back to you and that means something is wrong with the people on the thread they are a bunch of haters?

 

Wow.

 

I converted to a form of Christianity at 19.

I had two sexual partners prior to that.

One was in a 1.5 year relationship.

 

One was actually much like the encounter you had with your gf. Trying to be more accepting of the whole sex thing.

I didn't want to be the "chump girl" that just settled with some 'reformed' Bad Boy who had his fun and just wanted some dumb girl he could settle to. So I had that ONS.

 

Four years later I met my husband.

 

I had the same views about not handing away sexuality. I also had my insecurities and sadness.

 

If my husband got smucked by a semi tomorrow and I started dating in five years I would CONSIDER a person's sexual past. I absolutely would.

 

But I would also consider their attitude toward sex.

Do they use it and people as a coping skill?

 

I don't care if someone had 20 ONS when they were 19 If they've had a 15 year track-record of functional sexuality since. How clearly would you even REMEMBER all of that?

 

She barely even has a "track-record."

 

You only ended up here because your actions didn't match your words. (Having that ONS) That doesn't make the people who tried to help A bunch of haters.

[janedoe67]

It sounds like you DID talk and you both recognize that past bad choices can be a part of the past and that your present values about sex are in alignment. That is a good thing.

Edited January 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2.50 a gallon]

MBrewey

 

Actually you should be glad that she has a sexual past. Marrying a virgin is no longer an ideal.

 

I graduated from high school just about the time that birth control pills came available along with the sexual revolution. I am guessing that about half of my high school friends married virgins. None of the marriages that I know off survived. In fact in most cases the marriage was over within a decade and almost always due to one of the parties cheating, as they wanted to find out what they had missed.

 

Think of it this way, being as she has had previous sexual experiences, she already knows what she has had, and has chosen to fall in love with you.

[peruano99]

Don't get married yet man. You can't just marry the first woman you had sex with. You have to wait a couple more months of years and see if she is the right one for you.

Edited January 27, 2014 by peruano99

[Phantom888]

Don't get married yet man. You can't just marry the first woman you had sex with. You have to wait a couple more months of years and see if she is the right one for you.

 

That being said, I totally think you should experience more before you commit to one woman for the rest of your life. Let's say to finally decide to marry this girl, but her sexual past bothers you, you have to somehow overcome this feeling.

 

You are suffering from Retroactive Jealousy. It's very common for people with less sexual experience to suffer from this. But it's also common for people with more life experience also because it's an anxiety partly built into your genetics. I am 39, and I still have those nasty feelings from time to time.

 

I am gonna marry my GF this year. She is also 39, divorced. She had a very limited sexual history before she met her Ex husband at age 16. She got divorced when she was 35. Many women who have been trapped in a loveless marriage for years tend to have some casual sex once they leave that relationship. My GF has never been slutty or promiscuous, but she dated a few men after her divorce which kinda bothered me. We had sex on our 2nd date, which made me think she did that with many others. But it turns out it was a very unusual situation for her that night, and it was definitely NOT the norm for her. Knowing her all this time, I am convinced that she fell for me the same way I fell for her that night....and I myself have seldom had sex so quickly after meeting. I actually have a high "number" than her, but when it comes to Retro Jealousy, it doesn't matter. It's hypocritical to the extent that her number is more significant than mine, which is obviously untrue.

 

It's all about perspectives. Your GF loves you and is honest with you. Her sexual past was a learning experience for her. If I were her I would be more concerned about YOU because you are so inexperienced that what if you meet a girl sexier than her 5 years later and get curious about ****ing other women???

 

So consider yourself lucky that you have a girl with a "low number", honest with you, loves you a lot, and accepts you for who your are. As stated earlier, if she marries you, that means she has proven to her heart that you are better than anyone who she has ever met. That's a good thing.

 

Also, with Retro Jealousy, it gets better over time, but you have to get some therapy or counseling. You need to talk it out, and find ways to cope within your head. This can destroy relationships if the jealousy becomes resentment. Get help while your relationship is still healthy.

 

Hope this helps.

[Phantom888]

 

I'm thankful I had sex with the men I did. For my husband's past too. Because it makes us both really grateful for each other. ....What makes us good partners is we don't play with each other's feelings.

 

 

This is exactly how I am coping with my Retro Jealousy. My GF is very understanding, and I tell her how I feel. I am grateful that she dated several men to know that I am the best for her. I go to therapy to talk about my stress, and it has helped a lot. My GF also helps me improve by erasing things from her computer that she thinks might make me stress, like old love letters and pictures of previous relationships. To her, those memories are insignificant compared to my feelings. I did not ask her to do that, but she did because she loves me so much, and I appreciate that.

[rosedl]

Yeah, that whole world view is just crazy as far as I'm concerned. There is way too little judging in society. You think I should not consider someone's history when getting married (financial, legal, sexual)? You just aren't going to sell me on that, and you don't have to. I'm not going to judge the value of anyone else's soul or anything. I'm sure Jesus and Buddha still love a person despite one's lifetime number of sexual partners. But I'm going to consider that before I put any time, emotion, money, and social standing into another person. Those big credit report companies do the same evaluation to you quite well. You do the same evaluation before buying a car.

 

I don't think sex has the same effect on men as on women, is that is a double standard? Depression rates and divorce rates are strongly positively correlated with the number of sexual partners a woman has. The same is not true for men. That is not a universal truth--just a trend. There are all sorts of different results, scientifically observable results, which occur in one sex but not other (e.g., getting pregnant). I think that sucks, and I don't want it to be true, but it is. That comes from the realm of what is, and not what should be. So now, do I think girls are less moral than men when having sex? Heck no, that would be terribly unfair and sexist.

 

What I have written about judging is pretty untherapeutic. It doesn't make me feel awesome to think about. It results from the fact that I am not a super man full of omniscience and omnipotence and the world is imperfect. If I pass on a girl, and I have, because of something about her past it does not make her a bad person. It also does not make me a bad person. It just means I am not going to risk investing a couple decades of my life into that person. That is wisdom.

 

Her sexual past is frankly none of your business. She didn't know you. You have a sexual past and that is to be accepted while you pathologize her sexual past and judge her for it. Give me a break with your statistics and studies, you are upset because you hold a woman's sexuality as something that reflects on you personally as a man and hold moral judgements around a woman who has had numerous sexual parters. Total madonna/whore complex. So, the women you played around with....were they good enough to use for sex but not anyone you would consider marrying? If so, why doesn't it apply to you for sleeping with them?

 

Yeah, the credit card companies are great examples. Merciless idiots who destroy people's lives for seven years if you lose a job, have a death, or hit a hard spell.

[SoleMate]

Here's a thread that has a very similar situation, with a few different twists. I suggest OP and others here check this out, then thoughtfully compare and contrast for the benefit of both OP: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/456287-how-ask-about-partners-fidelity#post5492342

[Eggplant]

My girlfriend loves me and agrees with all the same stuff I believes about sex. She was going through a rough time. We both think it was wrong of us to start like that and wish things could have been different. We both think it is superior to have fewer sexual partners than more.

I think this is a very reasonable way of coming to terms. You both think sex should be left for marriage; however, people in rough moments accidentally make mistakes. But your values are similar ultimately.

[VeronicaRoss]

I had a conversation with a woman yesterday who is about to get married. She said in the past she would end relationships for superficial reasons (not the right degree, not enough money or security) and now that she's with someone she really loves none of that matters. She realizes the real reason she broke out of those relationships was harder to admit: she didn't feel the way about them she wanted to. Now she has found that person.

 

You might be in the same boat. But please don't marry someone you feel this way about because it's time to get married. That is going to haunt you both and you could be so much happier with your choice.

[janedoe67]

I do agree that talking about our past is important, and talking about our views on sex is extremely important. Think about it - sex is going to be the one thing that you can ONLY do with your spouse for the rest of your life. You need to know each other's views on this topic. You should even know the thoughts and feelings BEHIND the past actions. Case in point - both my h and I were virgins when we married. I was a virgin because I wanted to wait until marriage (due to my beliefs), but I also was really REALLY looking forward to it once it was "approved." My h was a virgin too - n part because of his beliefs but in bigger part because he just didn't really care. he didn't feel one way or the other about it. These are things we should have discussed. I never had sex before marrying, but I DID make out with a couple of boyfriends and was tempted but stayed strong. I knew I was a sexual person. H never even came close nor wanted to - ever.

 

The past, our thoughts and feelings, the way our parents related (not just whether or not they stayed married)...all of these things are VITAL to talk about.

[Darl]

My guess is that your chief worry is you don't match up sexually to these other people and this makes you feel inferior and jealous that you might be second rate.

 

Let me give you a hint. I am a married woman about 40 who's had numerous lovers, and the best one absolutely the best one in bed was a 70 year old man who made me tingle from head to foot and coming and coming repeatedly for a very long time. He could do this easily three, four times a day. It was sheer heaven.

 

His secret was that he did not come, but only wanted me to. I asked him how he did it, and he told me it had been easy and the more he did it the easier it became, but he also said he had an orgasm about every seven or eight days. I asked him did he study anything, and he said hadn't and it took no training at all just the determination to have his partners have many orgasms.