mourningMM Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Suggestions wanted... Resentment, anger, vicious desire to inflict equivalent pain...all of these feelings I've had before as I've dealt with the separation and then the divorce. He and his girlfriend were "just friends" before we separated, "nothing happened". But 2 years before the separation I said that I thought he loved her and wanted to be with her...he denied it. He left, not for her, but because he said "you let yourself go, we have nothing in common" and "I tried, but I can't try any more"... Now, today they have gotten engaged. And they are planning on having our children in their wedding party. The kids are happy for him, and they like her. I've never felt resentment, anger and betrayal about my children's love of their father before today. But today, the thought of them participating in his wedding, and being happy for him with the woman that helped ruin our family. I'm not sure how to handle being angry at my children. I know it is wrong, but I want them to be angry at him doing this, not happy for him. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I want them to refuse to go and share in his happy hallmark moment while I'm forced to accept that his "just friend" has replaced me as his wife. I know it is unrealistic and unhealthy to want them to choose me over him...but since he chose her over me, that is what I want. Because I want him to feel a little of the pain that I am feeling tonight. Help me redirect this in a healthy way...and not feel so much like running away from home and abandoning the children. I can't handle the thought of them spending the next few months getting psyched for the marriage of their father. His happiness has been bought with the destruction of our family...and the children have to adapt and learn to live in the new reality he created for them. I know this with my head. But in my heart, I want them, and all of society to shunn my ex and his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 But in my heart, I want them, and all of society to shunn my ex and his girlfriend. And keep it in your heart, you will... because you know that turning your children into resentful, spiteful, haters is not what you really want. Resent her and hate him if you must but don't expect it from your children. If nothing else, you should be proud that your husband and yourself have raised such loving offspring. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mourningMM Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 I know...and I don't want them to in my head. It is just so painful for me, if they were even neutral about his new wedding it wouldn't hurt. But to be happy for him? When his very happiness is built upon the pain he caused by leaving the marriage? They are too young to know how to balance this in a way so as not to inflict more hurt on me...I KNOW THAT...but having my own children's actions and words and decisions be so supportive of him feels like a slap in the face. It feels like my feelings cary no weight in our family. It feels like they don't care about me at all. I know in my head that they love me, but I can't feel any of their love in my heart. Inside I am all cold and dead and it feels like they are poking me with sticks to see if I'll move. Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 They are too young to know how to balance this in a way so as not to inflict more hurt on me...I KNOW THAT...but having my own children's actions and words and decisions be so supportive of him feels like a slap in the face. But don't you see.... He is their father... they SHOULD be supportive of him. They love him and would do the same for you, if the situation were different. I'm not sure how old they are but until they are at least teenagers, they don't understand why there has to be such resentment and hatred. I know that you know the worst thing you can do is to try to turn them against their father. That won't solve anything. I know you are coming apart inside and feeling as if you are all alone in this. You are looking for support for your broken feelings and you are doing right to find it here and not within your children. You will see the other end of this, eventually. Until then, I pray for you to find the peace that you need to make it thru this. Link to post Share on other sites
moon Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Save your bitter feelings for your therapist and your friends. Your kids should have no part. It is not their fault that their dad went off with another women. He's gone. There is nothing you can do about it. He's getting married to somebody else. Seriously, just let it go (although I understand your hurt and anger). If your kids have their own feelings of resentment then that's their business, but I truly would not try to stir it up in them. What good will it serve? Ask yourself this....What good will it serve? Okay, so your ex feels bad. But do you think he's really going to feel that bad on his wedding? Look you are obviously a good mother if your kids are happy for your ex and his new bride. If you'd been bad mouthing him, they probably wouldn't feel comfortable going. You should just let the kids go to the wedding and wash your hands of it. Nothing in life is forever. Your husband found somebody new. You can too. Who wants to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you anyway. He's out of your hair. I hope you got a good divorce settlement!!! Maybe plan yourself a nice getaway trip on the weekend of the wedding. Take off to Central America or something like that. Life's short. Just try to get over it. Don't put your kids in the middle of it. You can't change the fact that he's getting married. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mourningMM Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 I do KNOW that I shouldn't put them in the middle of it...that is why I posted. I know in my head what I should do, what I need to do for them, what I need to do for me. What I don't know is how to get my heart in line with my head... What I'm looking for is some suggestions on things that I can do, books that I can read, techniques that other people have used that are successful for: Getting past the resentment. Getting past the anger and changing the feelings. AND MOST ESPECIALLY.... If anyone out there who KNEW in their head that the kids were innocent, but still FELT in their heart betrayed by their children's lack of support HELP ME FIND A WAY OUT OF FEELING LIKE THIS>>> Link to post Share on other sites
Author mourningMM Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 This isn't about me turning them against him...it is about finding a way to not FEEL like the children are AGAINST me if they are FOR him. It is about re-framing. Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. I didn't intend to. I know you are doing the right thing... just having trouble with the feelings... I can't offer any book suggestions but I can say that as badly as you want to feel better about this, it just has to happen. Your heart is in the right place. You are doing good by your kids and even though you are struggling with it, you are doing the right thing. Have you considered counseling? It may do wonders to get you past this sticking point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mourningMM Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 Been in counseling since 2001...both alone, and to resolve co-parenting issues with the ex. The problem is that this is a completely new feeling for me. Until this engagement announcement I hadn't really resented my children's participation in the new life that my ex has created. I hated him for abandoning the committments he made, and definitely resented his emotional affair with this current fiancee' but I tried to be the better woman. The divorce settlement wasn't exactly fair, but it was even. The reason I feel that this wasn't fair is because he essentially walked, but before he did that he convinced me that the only way to show good faith was to sign a separation agreement which protected him from the abandonment charge. I get no alimony (make too much) and barely $600 a month child support, not even enough to cover day care. All of the good work I've been doing to get him to connect with the kids (which didn't really happen until he felt guilty about moving out), and encourage his relationship with them has lead to this... And there is a 3-year-old kicking and screaming in full-throttle tantrum... BUT THIS IS WRONG... YOU PROMISED ME UNTIL DEATH DO US PART... YOU AREN'T DEAD... HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE CHILDREN I GAVE TO YOU AND SHARE THEM WITH THE B*TCH THAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA LIFE COULD BE BETTER WITHOUT ME!!! HOW DARE THEY BE HAPPY FOR YOU AND PLAN TO STAND UP WITH YOU IN A CHURCH TO MAKE YOUR VOWS A SECOND TIME WHEN YOU'VE SCREWED UP THEIR LIVES, AND HURT THEIR MOTHER! ....how can they be happy at something that hurts me so... Link to post Share on other sites
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