stephy567 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I've posted a couple of times on here and so far I've gotten some good advice (with the exception of a few rude responses), so I thought I'd try again. I recently started a casual "friends with benefits" type of thing with this guy. Things have been going well, we meet up about every other week to hook up and it's always a lot of fun. He fits what I'm looking for, attractive, can hold a decent conversation when we're not just hooking up, respectful, and we have a nice connection without it being emotionally messy (so far). He's not really a "friend" since I met him recently and soon after meeting, we started this type of arrangement with both of us stating we weren't looking for a relationship. My questions are as follows: 1) How do you other girls deal with this type of arrangement? What I mean is, this is exactly what I'm looking for because I am a single mother without a lot of time between full time work and my daughter. I don't feel I have the time or energy to have a full relationship with someone. Plus, right now I don't even want to think of the headache of things like introducing my boyfriend to my daughter, to my ex-husband, having this guy be a step-dad to my daughter, etc. However, even though this is what I'm looking for, because of society's double standard, sometimes I feel guilty. Like I'm allowing myself to be used, even though this is the arrangement I want. I don't have feelings for this guy and am not yearning for anything more from him. I'm just curious how other women deal with the guilt? 2) I'm worried about the number of sexual partners he might have. We always have safe sex, but it's still on my mind. However, since I don't want and can't offer anyone a full relationship, I don't know how to bring this up. I can't really say well I can only see you two or three times a month, but I don't want you seeing anyone else. I actually don't care if he's hooking up with other girls, however, I wouldn't like it if the number were high and a bunch of random girls all the time. But, if I'm ok with him having others, how do I bring this up? "Are you having sex with other people? If so, I'm ok with it, but I want to know how many and how often because if it's a lot then I'm not ok with it." Seems weird to me. Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 1) If this is what you want - Who cares what anyone else thinks. Just be honest with yourself! 2) Since its only FWB - I don't think you really can put any stipulations on how many people he sees. It just doesn't seem fair. I mean you can certainly bring it up, but don't be surprised if he doesn't see eye to eye with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 mammasita, thanks for the reply. Yeah, I figure if I'm happy in the situation (not sad or depressed about it because I secretly want more), then everything is fine, right? If I'm ever not, then it's time to end it. That's what I mean about the other partners, I agree I don't really have a place to limit him and I wouldn't want to do that, but I guess part of me just wants to know so I can make my own decision if I'm ok with it or not. I wouldn't be giving him an ultimatum to change or else I pull the plug, I just think since it can affect my health I should know and decide. However, he could just lie about it I guess. However, I also understand the point of view of that if I don't expect a monogamous relationship, then what does it matter if he's sleeping with 1 other girl or 20 other girls? Link to post Share on other sites
sugarpea Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 1) - If you're happy with the situation and he's happy and you're both not getting emotionally attached then who cares what others think. 2) - I don't think you can really ask or dictate how many women he sleeps with you're just fwb, plus why is it a problem how many if you're always having safe sex? I mean unless you aren't using protection then I think you could bring it up and say that it's important and for health reasons you want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 sugarpea: well we do oral sex as well and don't use dental dams or anything like that, so as far as I'm aware, you can use a condom during sex, but things can still be transmitted through oral sex. Maybe it's a low risk, I'm not really sure, I've usually been in long term monogamous relationships. Also, I'm sure he wouldn't be opposed if say I wanted to go on the pill and stop using condoms. Then, at that point if we get to it, it would be unprotected sex. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarpea Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Hi Stephy567 I haven't asked the question myself, but I suppose if that's the case then I would try to go about it casually and ask the question in terms of a health perspective and not direct as it may come across as confrontational and he's likely not to respond well to that. Still you can't guarantee he'll tell the truth and even if he does, he might not know if he has anything, unless he's tested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 sugarpea: I guess I'd just like to honestly know how risky his behavior is. If it's high risk, that's not something I really want to expose myself to. But, yeah what an awkward conversation to have with someone you're just fwb with! Again, I don't have a problem with him having sex with other girls, I just would prefer if it's just a few regulars I guess. Maybe if this keeps up, I can bring up going on the pill and since we would stop using condoms (motivation for him) that might be a more normal time to bring it up? Link to post Share on other sites
sugarpea Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Yeah that sounds like a good time to bring it up. Hope the conversation goes well. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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