Wife told me she enjoyed it when another man flirted with her

[songdog09]

To start out, when my wife and I married my fiance did not know that I was a pretty big flirt in the workplace. I had been for a long time and I had never had a problem with that.

 

After we were married my wife found out how I was. She saw and read this in text messages and emails. It devastated her and I did not realize how much it effected her. She was deeply hurt.

 

Flirting was not all that important to me really. I had no problem stopping that behavior the same day she confronted me and the problem was solved except for the hurt that I caused my wife. She knows how much I regret how much I hurt her.

 

We have been married for 7 months now. She has repeated to me over and over how much she thought it was wrong to flirt with the opposite sex when you're married or in a relationship.

I never thought I would be dealing with this issue with her.

 

Two nights ago she went out with her girlfriend and they went to a bar. She came home a little bit drunk and she was remorseful as she told me that a very attractive young guy (28 years old) was really flirting with her (45 years old) and she really liked it. I found out the next day that she told the guy she was married but she didn't discourage his flirting.

 

She told me she intentionally told her friend how good looking she thought he was in a way that she knew he would hear what she said. This was of course encouraging to the young guy.

 

I say it was flirting but he was actually trying to pick her up and take her home to have sex with her. That is what my wife said. That is not my jealous speculation.

 

THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH JEALOUSY!! Is that normal? I told her that after all she has preached about how wrong this kind of behavior is. About not flirting or being engaged in flirting, or encouraging flirting in someone else, that I was totally caught of guard by what she was involved in.

 

The next night we had talked about it and she became upset that I had so many questions. She told me that I had hurt her so much with so many text messages and emails to people I worked with that were flirtatious that what she did paled in comparison to what I did.

 

I asked her if she thought this was payback or if she thought I should just let it go and that it shouldn't bother me at all but she said she didn't know if it was payback or not and she said she thought it was appropriate that I was upset about what happened.

 

Later that night my wife went and slept in the spare bedroom. I went into the room and asked her if she would come and sleep in our bed. She said no. It became very loud and confrontational very quickly because I was so upset, but it was nothing physical at all. Lots of yelling and screaming and crossing boundaries with what was said to each other.

 

This morning my wife is so upset with me that she has nothing to say to me. I apologized for how I acted last night but she couldn't even look at me and she only really said something when she told me she was leaving to go to work. She only said from the kitchen "I'm leaving now."

 

This jealousy is intensified for me because after my wife found out how flirtatious I was, she has backed off sexually and emotionally from me and things have never been the same even though I haven't flirted with anyone for 7 months since she asked me not to.

 

She has no idea how much I crave the kind of attention that she showed this guy, a stranger, in a bar, and I am so jealous of how receptive she was of the attention he gave her. I am jealous and upset that she enjoyed it but I guess that I should be happy she is so honest? Does she know how much I would LOVE for my attention to be received as happily as she received it from this guy she met in a bar??

 

I don't know if I want that much honesty!! What should I do. I was up till 6:30 this morning, crying most of the time.

 

My wife seems like she has checked out and I am somewhat blindsided because I got upset about something that she agrees I should be upset about and something that she is not proud of that she did.

 

HELP!!!

[JThompkins]

I find your wifes behavior to be very disturbing. I have no idea why a happily married woman would want to make another man think he had any shot whatsoever at having sex with her or anything like that. Is she that desperate for the attentions of another person?

 

You should be happy about the honesty, yes, but you not should be happy about the way she behaved.

Edited January 20, 2014 by JThompkins

[xAkulax]

Sound like she just playing games to teach you a lesson i wouldn't worry about it I would however make sure it does not become a habit

[MrMeh]

Instead of backing off and crying, you should communicate with her about the attention you crave from her. You also have to remember that this requires

reciprocation, with you flirting,touching, and laughing with her to show how

much you adore her.

[The Peanut Gallery]

Sorry you feel so awful right now. Take a deep breath, and if nothing else, tell yourself it is all going to be okay. One day, you are going to look back on this and think, "I am glad that happened! We have come so far!"

 

So here are my thoughts, and opinion. No one has to take this personally, and I am not intending or trying to be a expert on the matter, but here we go.

 

This could have been my marriage, seven years and five months ago! I caught my new husband flirting with a few exes online, before he caught me doing the same thing!

 

It is one thing we be flirting yourself, knowing very well that you are safe from real temptation, and it is a whole different thing to see or find your partner doing the same thing! I was furious at my hubby! I lambasted him for it ... but all the while, I did the same thing for months before he caught me.

 

My excuse at the time was, "Well, I would NEVER actually follow through with ANY of it ... but YOU would!!" So this was my way of saying I could trust myself not to cross a line and let it get out of hand, but I was too afraid to let him flirt because I thought he might not be in control.

 

For us, it was around the two year mark that we really blew up about it - so you are ahead of the game already! That is great!

 

We were able to fight about it, get it out in the air, and now we talk about it! Now, he tells me who flirted with him (and who he flirted with), but then re-assures me that he would never give me up for her. I know it is important for him to feel wanted, and "in the game", even if he has no intention of getting off the bench!

 

I too can tell him when I have been at the bank, or the coffee shop, and a really hot guy does his best to take ME home .... and then I tell my husband how great it felt to know that I am still hot enough to pick up, but still so hot for him and him alone!

 

We both flirt here and there. It seems natural to us (not everyone is like this though).

 

In your case, it sounds like there is more fighting and hurt feelings than a real problems in the way right now. You BOTH like flirting, and that is okay. But try to communicate in a way that doesn't involve crossing those fighting lines.

 

Have you considered writing her a heart-felt letter. Don't write about what she DID wrong, but tell her how it made you feel. Tell her why you feel the need to flirt too, and how flirting may (or may not at all) hurt your relationship with her.

 

Try focusing on the goal of opening up the communication lines again, in a peaceful and loving way. Read the other post on here about how we fight with our significant others! There are some ideas there too.

 

I know it seems like the end of the world right now, but I bet that you two can talk your way through this one. If nothing else, the fact that you ARE both so upset is telling of how much you both care about each other - so focus on that!

 

Best of luck!

[The Peanut Gallery]

I really think people should just avoid flirting with others if they are in a serious relationship. If the relationship is not very serious that is another story, but take it out of the equation once things become serious, why risk hurting a person you are serious about, just to flirt with some random stranger? This person you flirt with won't be there to pick you up when you are down or need a shoulder to cry on, your spouse will.

 

Really?

 

I have an eight year old marriage that says otherwise. The thing of it is, every marriage is different, and so is each person.

 

Flirting might be too much for YOU to handle, but not be too much for me. We are different people, you and I. No need to judge.

[xAkulax]

My only question is how long can some one flirt with strangers in an alcohol rich environment before they come home with a case of the i'm so sorry i dint mean for it to go that far

[The Peanut Gallery]

Well no I am not trying to judge, I guess I just do not see what flirting with a random stranger really brings to the table. Especially because I know some guys might say anything to try to get into a woman's pants.

 

If you and your husband are fine with you guys flirting with other people then more power to you. For me personally I would not want to rock that boat, but as you said everyone views marriage differently. Did not mean to offend, if the both of you enjoy it there isn't anything wrong then, but the key part is the "both of you".

 

Oops! Sorry! I must have read it with the wrong tone - you never inserted any tone

 

For those of us who like to flirt, but not seriously, it brings in fresh air. Call it a bit of lowliness, but it strokes the ego in ways your partner no longer can (not for lack of trying, that is just the way it is)! It is also a bit of a distraction from our every day doom and gloom.

 

For instance, I bet you find a bit of solace on here posting about your own relationship - right? Does your wife know that you are on here, posting intimate details about her life too? I bet not. This posting has the same effect of flirting, in many ways!

 

It keeps you sharp, it gives you something else to think on for a moment, and a breath of fresh air. Then we all go back to our own relationships - happy or not.

 

So, if you categorize "flirting" in your mind as "goofing off, sharing intimate details with perfect strangers, connecting with random people..." and so on then we are ALL flirting, with each post!

 

Ah-Ha! Caught you (tone inserted here is to be playful, and totally harmless to all parties involved!)

[Got it]

Are you jealous or upset about the hypocrisy? I would be upset about the latter.

 

You guys either don't allow it or you do. There is no tallying up it is either okay for both parties or not. It is sad that the situation didn't give her some enlightenment and acceptance on why you flirted and saw your side of things and it is too bad that you haven't used this as a way to see why her feelings were hurt by the other's actions.

 

You guys can use this as a point to drive each other emotionally away or learn from it and come together closer. Are you guys a team or two individuals? Be a team.