moving2fast Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Hi Everyone, I cheated on my bf with a few people, and told him about it all last week. He wasn't showing me much attention after the Christmas Holiday when I returned to work, so I turned to cheating. Anyways, he says in order for things to get better between us, I need to earn his trust again. He has a set of "demands" he expects me to me before a deadline or he's going to break up with me. I don't want him to go, but am unsure of my ability to meet his expectations. For starters, he wants me to quit my job, and he wants me to submit to a drug test in the near future, and he wants to hear me break off arrangements with friends. I'm just bummed but I know I cannot complain since I'm the one who cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 He wanst giving attention and instead of breaking up, you cheated, now he wants you back but needs you to do some demands? Both of you, get some professional help. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Breaking123 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Hi Everyone, I cheated on my bf with a few people, and told him about it all last week. He wasn't showing me much attention after the Christmas Holiday when I returned to work, so I turned to cheating. Anyways, he says in order for things to get better between us, I need to earn his trust again. He has a set of "demands" he expects me to me before a deadline or he's going to break up with me. I don't want him to go, but am unsure of my ability to meet his expectations. For starters, he wants me to quit my job, and he wants me to submit to a drug test in the near future, and he wants to hear me break off arrangements with friends. I'm just bummed but I know I cannot complain since I'm the one who cheated. IMO, you should just break up with him. It sounds like he was not fulfilling your needs, so you strayed. Now, he is trying to be controlling. If you do meet his demands, how do you know he will truly trust you again and/or not place even more demands on you. Also, if he wasn't showing you much attention in the past, who's to say he will not go back to his ways? The next time he isn't showing you attention, it will be after you had to quit your job and stop seeing friends. Perhaps, you two could go to couples counseling instead of having a "must meet demands" situation. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I don't see the point of prolonging your relationship if you two are obviously incompatible. You cheated on him to confide within somebody else and you still doubt if you can meet his expectations to continue the "relationship." In a nutshell, I would part ways and take it as a lesson learned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I think you should end the relationship. You were unhappy and instead of breaking it off, you cheated on him. And then you more or less blame him for that, which is both immature and selfish on your part. You're obviously not fulfilled with him and I can't see how that is going to improve in the midst of all the tension and mistrust between you. He wants you to follow rules that you're uncomfortable with. If you think you cannot accept those terms, leave the relationship. But, if you could, provide a little context here: why does he want you to quit your job? And take a drug test? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Expecting you to a quit a job, even if that is where the cheating happened, before you get a new one is absolutely ridiculous. How are you supposed to live? Is he going to give you money? If he expected you to look for other work & take a suitable new job to get away from your cheating partner, I can understand that. What's the point of the drug test & who will pay for it? Unless you were high when you cheated, this also seems unnecessary. Who are the people he expects you to break contact with? If they aren't the men you cheated with, he's going too far. Again, I could understand him wanting so see communications with other men & not wanting you to be alone with men for a while. Because you cheated with "a few people" simply because he wasn't paying enough attention to you, I think you two are fundamentally incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 He is prolonging the inevitable, the relationship is toxic as is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I don't mean to blame him for my cheating. I knew from the start of the relationship that he wanted a faithful gf. I said I could be that girl because at the time we were spending all of our free time together and I wasn't lonely or looking at anyone else. After I went to film a movie(it was an adult film) he was distant with me. We we're spending as much time together and that really hurt me so I did go out and slept with a few people because he was so cold with me. He thawed a bit and I stopped messing around with most people and confessed it to him three days ago. He says he wants me to quit my job and he'd pay me to work for him(non sexual personal assistant type work ). The drug testing because I do use illicit drugs for recreational use and he is so against it. We are incompatible on the surface, but we do take care of one another. My cheating is a problem because I have to have sex. I can't properly explain myself to him, he just won't hear it. I don't want to quit my job because its all that I know. How do people typically regain trust after cheating? I don't want us to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 Sorry, to be clear, he wants me to stop socializing with friends I take drugs with and men that I hooked up with. I understand where he's coming from. I want us to work, I don't want him to leave me. He would pay for the drug test, has a date planned for that already. if I took it I'd fail now, I've told him that also. I wasn't unhappy with him, but lonely and sad. When things were good, I wasn't even thinking about other people because he was giving me so much attention. He is now too, it's just not all good but I want him to stay with me. He's a great guy and I'm lucky he didn't just leave me. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Just break up already! You are not committed to the relationship so why put yourself through all of this drama? It's nuts. And your boyfriend is an idiot to try to impose these kinds of rules on a serial cheater. I really am not judging you because you aren't married and don't have kids together so you can have sex with whoever you want whenever you want. Just don't pretend to be in an actual relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 But I don't want to break up. I want us to work out, I know I made a mess of things. It's not like I started this relationship thinking I'm just going to cheat on him. We were not talking/seeing each other like we used to. I have to have some type of physical contact or I keep thinking about things to the point that I need another person. It may seem like excuses but really that's just how I am. I like what he and I have going, so I don't want us to break up. He says he loves me. I just want to make him happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Who are you kidding? I don't know you but from what I've read you are being delusional with regards to this "relationship" that you are looking to save. Do yourself and him a favor and pull the plug to this toxic relationship. Things will only go downhill from here. You are accustomed to a certainly life style that you subconsciously aren't willing to let go and you know that, stop telling yourself otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Why do you want this relationship to continue? It sounds like you have vastly different value systems which make you incompatible. It doesn't make either of you bad people, but it does mean that you don't fit together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I want us to work because he treats me well, and I want to do the same for him. We love each other. Only thing we really clash on is the fact that I have sex with other people and do drugs. I could stop the drugs, I'm not addicted. There are things he expects of me and I do them, at first he was exceeding my expectations but he changed a bit after seeing me home after filming. We may have different backgrounds but we have so much in common beyond the surface. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Why not just end this relationship. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 You started this thread saying that you were "unsure of your ability to meet his demands." For reasons that I don't understand but don't need to, you seem OK with those demands & you profess to love him. You also say you want this to work. If all 3 of those things are true -- you're philosophically OK with the demands, you love him & you want the relationship to work -- I don't see why you won't be able to fulfill his demands. Oh wait -- you will fail because deep down you enjoy the things you do -- drugs & sex with others -- more than you enjoy the relationship with him. It's a choice & you are the only one with the power to make the choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 If you like him so much why were you with another guy simply because he couldn't give you every minute of his time? If a grown person can't be faithful on her own accord you guys barely have a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 But I don't want to break up. I want us to work out, I know I made a mess of things. It's not like I started this relationship thinking I'm just going to cheat on him. We were not talking/seeing each other like we used to. I have to have some type of physical contact or I keep thinking about things to the point that I need another person. It may seem like excuses but really that's just how I am. I like what he and I have going, so I don't want us to break up. He says he loves me. I just want to make him happy again. This is precisely why you are not ready for a committed relationship. You are way, way too immature. He can't be everything to you no matter what he promises or what you want to believe so this is going to happen again. Stop hurting him like this and let this go. Enjoy the single life while you have the chance. It won't last forever... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I do love him and want us to work. I don't think I can meet all of his requirements. It is not that I would rather have random hook ups and do drugs for fun and before working. Its like scratching an itch(the sex) and he wasn't available to do so. Yeah, that may sound immature or selfish, but it's what I'm used to. I can try not to do things with other people by telling him that I'll need his attention but I know he won't really understand and this all seems like an unreasonable thing to expect of someone. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I do love him and want us to work. I don't think I can meet all of his requirements. It is not that I would rather have random hook ups and do drugs for fun and before working. Its like scratching an itch(the sex) and he wasn't available to do so. Yeah, that may sound immature or selfish, but it's what I'm used to. I can try not to do things with other people by telling him that I'll need his attention but I know he won't really understand and this all seems like an unreasonable thing to expect of someone. Yeah, very unreasonable. Ridicules, in fact. Is this for real or are you just pulling our legs? Scratching your itch is hurting the person you say you love. You aren't going to stop so be honest enough to tell this guy you aren't ready to be faithful to him. Maybe he'll be ok with just hooking up now and then. At least you will be telling him the truth and letting him decide how he wants to deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I want a relationship with him though. We were great at first. I don't want to be alone, or just hooking up with people, I want someone to love me, like he says he does. Are men that are married/long term relationship for X number if years and sneaking around with escorts as immature and unready for committed relationships? If not, what makes me different? I know what I want sounds unreasonable but seriously before I went to film after the Christmas holiday, we were great. He was filling all my needs, then he was angry with me for the movie and such and wasn't talking to me much. We talk now, I don't want to be with anyone else. People I had sex with aren't important to me, he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I want a relationship with him though. We were great at first. I don't want to be alone, or just hooking up with people, I want someone to love me, like he says he does. Are men that are married/long term relationship for X number if years and sneaking around with escorts as immature and unready for committed relationships? If not, what makes me different? I know what I want sounds unreasonable but seriously before I went to film after the Christmas holiday, we were great. He was filling all my needs, then he was angry with me for the movie and such and wasn't talking to me much. We talk now, I don't want to be with anyone else. People I had sex with aren't important to me, he is. Yes they are immature and unready just like yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I don't think you are considering the logistics behind all of this. You two refuse to admit how subliminally miserable you are in this "relationship". Your behavior will not change, I'm sorry, and he will be unhappy with in in return trying to control you every move and it'll eventually reach a point in which you will get sick of it all so why are you doing this??? Why are you prolonging the inevitable? Why are you paving a future filled with grief and destruction? It's not always easy to do the right thing but if you say you love him like you say you do you will do what's right and end this immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am ready, and I am mature. It was a few moments of weakness. Its akin to an addiction,I never feel good about it afterwards either (even before we were dating). I just don't want to keep letting him down. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am ready, and I am mature. It was a few moments of weakness. Its akin to an addiction,I never feel good about it afterwards either (even before we were dating). I just don't want to keep letting him down. Don't worry, the relationship will inevitably run it's course, and you'll never have to confront your own role in this. Link to post Share on other sites
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