Confessed and Now There Are Rules

[tlegend]

To me demands = control. I was in a very controlling relationship for many years, you shouldn't have to DO anything to make someone love you. He should love you for who you are. Sorry to be so blunt but you don't want to be kept under the pressure of someone like that.

 

Considering his demands are simply for her to better herself, and should be demanded of herself with or without him in the picture, I hardly feel he is trying to "control" her.

[moving2fast]

I joined this site with the notion that I was fine and my actions were acceptable even though I knew they were causing pain. I told myself that therapy was off the table, "I'm okay," I would say. But the truth is, I was and still am a bit afraid. I would try and justify my choices, say, "Yeah I'm still doing x, y, and z, but I've come a long way." I kept on making excuses for things. Even when I knew I was not approaching subjects in the appropriate manner.

 

I started this thread with a bit of resentment, halfway venting/complaining about what my bf was asking of me. I am honestly grateful that he is holding me up to certain standards. No one else has. There have been men that wanted to tell me what I could and couldn't do, but none of it was to help me; they would want me to alter things for their benefit. He isn't trying to control me or my life. I will say it is a bit difficult to properly convey through my words.

 

We met and I assumed he was no different. So, I treated him like I did everyone else, very guarded and as if he'd be gone any day. No one could love me I thought, I am nothing but trash, useless, stupid, ugly, (insert every dirty word). I was wrong, and he has apologized(I still don't understand why) for not realizing right away that I needed more than what I was asking for.

 

I know he loves me. He still says it but I don't argue about it anymore. I try and say it right back, even though I worry he is going to stop. I really want to be loved, and he knows I love him too. I've just got so much to sort out from all I've been through that I do things that are hurtful. I never wanted to hurt him, I hope he really knows that. He says he does, but really I need him to know it. I probably am a total meanie when I'm feeling super low and a headache when I am the other way. He really is too good for me, y'all don't know the full extent of things.

 

It may sound bad that he says he can't trust me around men in certain environments, but really I appreciate his concern. We talk and have spent a good amount of time together and I don't handle things well, and it could get me into trouble if I don't address it. I didn't really see it as an issue before, but I know now it's not the way to be and I want to find a better way to conduct myself. He is really only looking out for me, and at times I want to be upset with him for helping but I need it. I don't want to find myself in risky situations/ degrading myself to appease people I don't know. I really hope I am taking the right steps, because I don't want to stay in this spot or worse yet go backwards.

 

aliveagain, you're welcome and thank you very much. I'm glad to have made your day. I will be reading your bio and asking you for some pointers really soon. Wishing you all the best with your class, it sounds grand! I've got to do something extra special to show him some appreciation. As much as I worry about getting too attached and something bad happening, I'm so grateful he's in my corner right now.

[Trimmer]

you are going to build resentment for having demands placed on you....if you truly loved the guy the demands wouldnt matter.....

Wait... which one is it? Do demands make you resentful, or do demands not matter?

 

To me demands = control. I was in a very controlling relationship for many years, you shouldn't have to DO anything to make someone love you. He should love you for who you are.

So are you advising her that she should not choose to change her career participating in adult films and having sex with others, and taking drugs to cope, because it's "controlling" of him to set out those boundaries as his conditions of staying in the relationship?

 

I acknowledge that you have experience in this area and have a particularly finely tuned sensitivity to it, but isn't there some (probably fuzzy) dividing line out there that distinguishes "controlling behavior" as something different from being a partner who sets healthy boundaries by saying something like "I can't be in this relationship if you are going to be having sex with other men, making adult films, and taking drugs to cope..."?

 

Not to mention that if she wants to make those changes for herself (which is the true motivation I think we are all hoping will drive her to change), wouldn't it actually be a supportive factor, to be with a partner who will hold firm to those boundaries?

Edited January 31, 2014 by Trimmer

[moving2fast]

So, I think things are improving between my bf and I, but then he hasn't been responding physically in the way I would like. I know I shouldn't press him on anything and really its my problem to deal with but it makes me sad. I don't feel wanted, I dunno how to properly say it. I thought since I was moving forward, he'd be more receptive to my advances.

 

I haven't used since the time I confessed to(before the request to stop or break up), I resigned, and I haven't had sexual contact with anyone else since I told him about things. He still won't initiate or allow for much to happen between us. I tell him how him turning me down makes me feel and he just tries to explain himself but I get too frustrated.

 

I was going to spend the evening with, but left after feeling like he didn't want me around. I know I need to calm down but I feel like I'm going to explode. Why can't I just not want things, I really hate being this way. I'm afraid I'm going to just wreck everything. Its really not even about him not wanting to have sex with me, but me having to have that kind of attention/ contact. I'm so angry with myself.

[aliveagain]

So, I think things are improving between my bf and I, but then he hasn't been responding physically in the way I would like. I know I shouldn't press him on anything and really its my problem to deal with but it makes me sad. I don't feel wanted, I dunno how to properly say it. I thought since I was moving forward, he'd be more receptive to my advances.

 

I haven't used since the time I confessed to(before the request to stop or break up), I resigned, and I haven't had sexual contact with anyone else since I told him about things. He still won't initiate or allow for much to happen between us. I tell him how him turning me down makes me feel and he just tries to explain himself but I get too frustrated.

 

I was going to spend the evening with, but left after feeling like he didn't want me around. I know I need to calm down but I feel like I'm going to explode. Why can't I just not want things, I really hate being this way. I'm afraid I'm going to just wreck everything. Its really not even about him not wanting to have sex with me, but me having to have that kind of attention/ contact. I'm so angry with myself.

 

Just thought about some words from a song by a favourite old band of mine, Portishead. "It's A Fire"

 

It's a fire, these dreams that keep passing me by

Cos this life is a farce

I can't breath through this mask like a fool

So breath on sister, breath on

 

 

Decide what is real, who will you be for the rest of your life even if there is no man in it, what are you willing to do for yourself?

 

Do not mistake sex for love, do not use sex to show love or you will fail miserably. You need to talk to a professional about your associating sex with being wanted and loved. Were you sexually abused?

Edited February 1, 2014 by aliveagain

[moving2fast]

I know for sure I don't want to be who I currently am, I want to be someone better able to deal with things. It is too hard to function any other way but stuck in this awful cycle. I am ready to change.

 

I have a hard time labeling sexual abuse. I would say that the times when my father would do things out of meanness/ to punish me might be considered sexual abuse, but it wasn't always that way. Its complicated. Really always happened because I instigated it, and again it wasn't always for bad. He and I loved each other, but he just was hurting me too much. So, I did him and my stepmother a favor and left. I know the relationship we had is not typically accepted. I was young, but really it was okay; certain incidents may have been abusive because of the force used.

 

I don't mean to write so much, just trying to be clear. Attempted to share something with my bf and he just didn't understand where I was coming from, its not a big deal, I just don't agree with his assertion that it shouldn't have ever happened and was all terrible/disgusting.

[salparadise]

Its really not even about him not wanting to have sex with me, but me having to have that kind of attention/ contact. I'm so angry with myself.

 

It's your black hole seeking to be filled with what you have learned to believe is the only way you can be valued and loved. These are symptoms/result of not having been loved unconditionally as a child, and the abuse.

 

I have a hard time labeling sexual abuse. I would say that the times when my father would do things out of meanness/ to punish me might be considered sexual abuse, but it wasn't always that way. Its complicated. [...] I know the relationship we had is not typically accepted. I was young, but really it was okay; certain incidents may have been abusive because of the force used. [...] I just don't agree with his assertion that it shouldn't have ever happened and was all terrible/disgusting.

 

There is not much gray area when it comes to defining sexual abuse. I'm wondering if you're using a stockholm syndrome type of denial with regard to what happened to you as a child. If you were violated, fondled, or in any way touched or used for sexual gratification, whether it was forced or not, then it was sexual abuse. And it was not your fault, not even the slightest bit. Sexual abuse of a child is never-never-never even partly the child's fault.

 

When is your appointment with the therapist? You did set it up, right? Please try and understand that therapy is the key to all the changes you want to make. Don't expect it to be quick or easy––but it is the most important thing in your life. I hope your appointment is soon.

[moving2fast]

My appointment is Tuesday at 3pm, but I was told to arrive 15 minutes early to get all things taken care of. I'm ready for it to be Tuesday already.

 

It just feels wrong to call it all abuse when it wasn't hurting either one of us. It was just how we were, probably was the best times between us because he wasn't angry with me and loved me like I loved him. That part of our relationship was never a problem for me, but people that I have shared with(except the one) feel as though it was a problem and don't like the way I talk about it. I know it wasn't normal.

[Chi townD]

Your father screwed up your perception of what love is. And you accepted those acts as one of the only ways you felt loved or even validated by your father.

 

You've convinced yourself that it was "no big deal" and "No one was getting hurt." But, the fact was, he was hurting you in the worse way possible, you're just not seeing it.

 

But, if you take a look at the big picture, it has affected your adult life tremendously. You been taking drugs to get you through. You entered into a "profession" that is unsafe and is non sought after or even respected. You have a hard time connecting to the person that loves you the most in life and it's stopping you from having a loving and meaningful relationship with your boyfriend.

 

You don't view sex as exciting and welcoming. You're numb to it. I think you stated that you view sex as being no different than hugging someone. And I don't think you know what TRUE intimacy is. Because, when you experience it, you never want that feeling to end.

 

You got a lot of demons to battle. And continue to talk to your boyfriend. Open up to him, let him listen and if he has something to add. You listen to him. You may not understand or even agree, and that's okay! But, at least you two can learn to respect what each of you has to say.

 

Hang in there! I'm looking forward to seeing this new girl come into her new life!

[moving2fast]

Talking to my bf about certain things, like my relationship with my father, my old job, the guy I was staying with, he gets visibly upset and does not like the way I talk about those things. I don't mind talking, and at times get really excited/lively while talking and that bothers him. I have tried assuring him that things were fine and trying to make him feel better. He just rejects me and it hurts my feelings. Maybe, I should just keep that to myself, I'd hate for my therapist to be weirded out too. I will try to listen more, even though I don't really understand where he is coming from.

Edited February 1, 2014 by moving2fast

[Chi townD]

If the therapist that you chose is worth his or her salt, then nothing you say to them is going to shock them. So, relax and open up. Don't hold back and remember, you only get out of it what you put into it!

[Leigh 87]

You're a grown woman. If you claim to love someone, you have serious issues if you still enjoy taking drugs and having sex with others.

 

Why not get some professional help before you enter into a relationship?

 

It's really not ideal to want to screw multiple people once you have a boyfriend.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to screw multiple men. Just don't be in a relationship if you don't prefer to be monogamous.

 

Why do you want things to work with your boyfriend? It seems like you prefer more than one sexual partner?

[Trimmer]

You're a grown woman. If you claim to love someone, you have serious issues if you still enjoy taking drugs and having sex with others.

 

Why not get some professional help before you enter into a relationship?

 

It's really not ideal to want to screw multiple people once you have a boyfriend.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to screw multiple men. Just don't be in a relationship if you don't prefer to be monogamous.

 

Why do you want things to work with your boyfriend? It seems like you prefer more than one sexual partner?

Please, please read further down the thread... The dynamic and texture of the thread has shifted since the beginning, and the OP is now set for her first therapy session just days from now. She has made it clear that she wants to change, and at this point, judgmental comments in the context of her first few posts are a little off-flavor.

[Leigh 87]

I haven't read past the first page.

 

I'm very glad that she's getting help. Very commendable.

[moving2fast]

Thanks again everyone. It is really hard trying to make changes and make them count. I really am grateful that I have you all to lean on.

 

We went over work related stuff yesterday, it helped boost my confidence, I'm more ready to start Monday. He says I'll do fine and not to stress about it.

 

As the day winded down, I just couldn't help myself. Again, he wouldn't allow much and I asked him why he was mad at me, why he didn't want me anymore. He was talking, but I was so frustrated I had to leave. And when I got home, I was feeling so sad, I thought about drinking a lot but didn't have enough at home, so I was even more upset and was just an awful night.

 

My bf ended up driving over, and I was so. mad and sad, I cried in front of him. I don't normally do that and he wasn't cold, he just wouldn't have sex with me and it was awful. I don't recall exactly what I was doing ( my bf wanted to talk about it this morning but I didn't know what to say).

 

I just really don't like feeling that way. I know he eventually allowed something to happen, and I feel bad for putting him in that position. I hope I am able to get to better place. He might have to break up with me.

Edited February 2, 2014 by moving2fast

[janedoe67]

You cheated so there definitely should be rules, what is the problem? Shouldn't of cheated then. You say you know you can't complain, but you say that in a thread complaining about the rules, so I am confused. Leave the guy then if you don't like it or accept it.

 

Don't mean to be harsh, but you made your bed so now you have to lay in it or get a new bed.

 

She is getting help. Reading the entire thread makes that clear.

[moving2fast]

Today was my first day of work with my bf and it was a pretty good day. He is great and was checking on me here and there to make sure I was feeling alright with things. Tomorrow is my first therapy session, and I'm really ready for it or at least I'm telling myself that. I dunno, now I'm a bit anxious.

 

@JThompkins, I know I started out a bit upset about the fact that my bf was requesting that I stop doing certain things. I am not used to it and it isn't something I felt completely confident in tackling. Trying to change the way I have been living is scary and difficult. It was not ever my intention to paint my bf in a bad light, he is too good to me. I've been the terrible one, my actions are still horrendous.

 

I am grateful that he did not just walk away and cares enough about me that he has gone through any trouble and is still present.I love him, and I need to love myself, so I'm doing what I can to get to a better place.

[moving2fast]

Okay, so I had my first therapy session and I can't wait to go back. I thought I was going to be shy and guarded but it actually felt good to talk candidly with someone. And she really did let me feel welcome.

 

I wish I would have planned more of what I wanted to say before going in. I came in talking about how I wanted to find a better way to go about doing things, but started talking about what I'm used to doing. She was great and I felt comfortable saying what I did. She gave me a couple numbers to reach her at and also her email address if there's something I need her to know before our next session.

 

Thanks again so much everyone for telling it to me straight. I know I didn't want to do this in the beginning but I'm glad you didn't let me talk myself out of it. I didn't get emotional, but that's because nothing bothers me much (expect not getting sex) we didn't touch on that yet. Time flew by so fast, my bf waited for me. He's so sweet. We're going out, but I had to run to the store without him to grab things. He was checking in to make sure I was okay.

[Chi townD]

Okay, so I had my first therapy session and I can't wait to go back. I thought I was going to be shy and guarded but it actually felt good to talk candidly with someone. And she really did let me feel welcome.

 

I wish I would have planned more of what I wanted to say before going in. I came in talking about how I wanted to find a better way to go about doing things, but started talking about what I'm used to doing. She was great and I felt comfortable saying what I did. She gave me a couple numbers to reach her at and also her email address if there's something I need her to know before our next session.

 

Thanks again so much everyone for telling it to me straight. I know I didn't want to do this in the beginning but I'm glad you didn't let me talk myself out of it. I didn't get emotional, but that's because nothing bothers me much (expect not getting sex) we didn't touch on that yet. Time flew by so fast, my bf waited for me. He's so sweet. We're going out, but I had to run to the store without him to grab things. He was checking in to make sure I was okay.

 

 

See, it wasn't that scary now was it!

 

Remember, to open up to her and don't hold anything back. You had a great first session. But, do not get discouraged that in future sessions, she does take you to some dark places and makes you think. That's okay, embrace it. I'm sure your boyfriend is happy and proud of you. And I'm sure after your appointment, I'm guessing that you felt a little "lighter", calm and happy.

 

Now, that you know that certain changes aren't that scary, try to make some more positive changes in your life. Look into schools in your area that have degree's in Culinary Arts. I'm not saying sign up immediately. Just research it. See what's available and what's out there.

[freetolove]

break up with him and move on.

[moving2fast]

break up with him and move on.

 

Why break up with him after making so much progress? He really is a great influence on me and he is so very supportive and understanding. I know I'm not the best for him (right now ) but I'm working towards being a better person. He at the moment is very supportive and helpful, if that changes I know I had it coming, but why walk away?

[Trimmer]

break up with him and move on.

Have you read the whole thread to understand the progress they have made together, or are you only responding to her first post? If you're giving your advice based on the entire trajectory to date, can you amplify and describe how your advice for her to break up and move on would help her?

[aliveagain]

Why break up with him after making so much progress? He really is a great influence on me and he is so very supportive and understanding. I know I'm not the best for him (right now ) but I'm working towards being a better person. He at the moment is very supportive and helpful, if that changes I know I had it coming, but why walk away?

 

You stay the course girl, you have come a long way, never give up.

[peruano99]

Hi Everyone,

I cheated on my bf with a few people, and told him about it all last week. He wasn't showing me much attention after the Christmas Holiday when I returned to work, so I turned to cheating.

Anyways, he says in order for things to get better between us, I need to earn his trust again. He has a set of "demands" he expects me to me before a deadline or he's going to break up with me. I don't want him to go, but am unsure of my ability to meet his expectations. For starters, he wants me to quit my job, and he wants me to submit to a drug test in the near future, and he wants to hear me break off arrangements with friends.

I'm just bummed but I know I cannot complain since I'm the one who cheated.

 

 

Did you cheat with the few people during the Christmas holidays?

[ChessPieceFace]

Too late because I had sex with other people? He has forgiven me and wants me to take better care. Its easy to look down on people you don't know. Its easy for you to make certain comments without realizing that no one is perfect and we all have battles. I'm come a long way, and I love my boyfriend.

 

It's also easy to deceive yourself and find ways to justify and minimize the reality of your actions. I hope you succeed at being faithful from now on. I can just say I'd NEVER stay with a cheater.