Confessed and Now There Are Rules

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't understand something. You filmed an adult movie? Are you the camera person?

 

He said he wanted a faithful girlfriend. Well by your thread honey you ain't it.

 

You have sex because with other guys because you want to. you also use drugs.

 

If it was me, the only demand I would have is you go east and I'll go west.

 

Seriously, you really don't understand what being faithful is. You certainly know what unfaithful is. I don't understand how you think something like this can work. If you can't control your urges and have to have sex just because you want it and by chance he isn't there, then you grab the nearest penis and have at it how do you expect to have a relationship?

 

Maybe it's just me but I'm lost on this one.

[moving2fast]

Why won't my behavior change? I love him, I feel happy when I'm with him or doing something for him, why walk away from that?

 

I know I messed up and I'm going to do my best so that we have a solid relationship. I could have kept it a secret and continued to do things. I could have lied about my job, but I am honest with him because I want us to be something. Yeah, I have a lot of baggage, but he does too, and we're both wanting to be with each other.

 

I understand why he's placed these demands, not to be controlling but because he sees those things as detrimental and I know he's right.

[moving2fast]

By filming, I mean to say I was an actress in the movie filmed. He knew of my job, and said he was fine until he saw me at home after shooting one day. Though he said he didn't like me doing porn, it was a condition in our relationship. After that night, we grew apart a bit. He was disgusted in what I did and grew cold with me, but I needed him. I told him too, and he knew it but was angry and needed space which hurt me, but we talked candidly eventually. And I told him all that I did.

 

I may not have a handle on urges, but I'm willing to try for him. I never considered doing that before, but really want this relationship to continue.

[ThatMan]

Why won't my behavior change? I love him, I feel happy when I'm with him or doing something for him, why walk away from that?

 

I know I messed up and I'm going to do my best so that we have a solid relationship. I could have kept it a secret and continued to do things. I could have lied about my job, but I am honest with him because I want us to be something. Yeah, I have a lot of baggage, but he does too, and we're both wanting to be with each other.

 

I understand why he's placed these demands, not to be controlling but because he sees those things as detrimental and I know he's right.

Nobody is perfect and I'm not going to fault you. I actually respect what you've described - the choice to be open and honest with him. But your behavior will not change unless you want it to. Those itches will continue to be scratched despite what we say, what he says, and it all comes down to what you want. What you want clearly isn't the same as that man you love. So things will naturally progress and eventually run its course.

Edited January 21, 2014 by ThatMan
phone

[moving2fast]

I want to be a good girlfriend to him, I want to be faithful as well. I know me saying that I need him to be around like he was before is going to sound ridiculous, (especially since it is not his fault I was sleeping around), I am having an extremely difficult time trying to articulate what I'm feeling.

 

If I walked away it would be as if I didn't love him enough to try. That's not the case, I love him enough to try. And I know he loves me.

[ChessPieceFace]

I want to be a good girlfriend to him

 

Oops, too late!

[moving2fast]

Too late because I had sex with other people? He has forgiven me and wants me to take better care. Its easy to look down on people you don't know. Its easy for you to make certain comments without realizing that no one is perfect and we all have battles. I'm come a long way, and I love my boyfriend.

 

I know my need for attention(sex) isn't normal/healthy. I want to do better. It's not like he didn't know certain things about me, that's why he's forgiven me and made these requests. If I can't make them, it would be best we part ways(I get that ) but I'm going to do my best to meet them. Parts of his requests need to be discussed further in my opinion, but I'm not just going to give up. No one else that's walked in my life has cared and loved me on the level he does(he wants me to have a better life everyone else is cool with me destroying myself ).

 

I do not know about work, I have no other job experience and he knows that too. I do worry about leaving what I know and my way of life for him. I may not be what he wants in his work environment. it may cause more friction between us. I'm not saying that as an excuse to do porn. I know I can't do it forever.

[mano]

Should have tried talking to him about your needs n that u r unhappy.

But instead you just cheated on him n slept with multiple people. Its not a small thing to just ignore, he wants you to quit your job, because he is not happy with what you are doing. Its valid, if it were someone else, he would have ditched you right there.

I don't think one should just go cheat if their partner is unavailable for a little while..

[PegNosePete]

He has given you a choice.

 

1) Agree to and stick to his rules

2) Break up

 

Time to make a decision. If you think his demands are unfair/unreasonable then take option 2. If you don't want to break up then take option 1. You can't have your cake and eat it.

[beach]

It looks like you two aren't aligned.

 

Since you have to change that much to suit his needs - and you really don't want to - it probably won't work and will likely cause resentments.

 

You've stated you are trying to control your urge for sex.

 

Are you also saying you are willing to eliminate the drug use?

 

There are several issues going on that are affecting your judgment.

 

What is your background? Were you abused growing up? Something caused you to be so obtuse about emotions attached (or detached) from sex. What was it? Have you talked to a professional about feeling so numb about sex/intimacy?

 

What drugs do you take? Have you ever tried getting off of drugs long term? How did that go?

 

 

Have you ever tried working an office job?

[aliveagain]

He has asked you to quit your job, obviously you banging other men bothers him. Maybe he doesn't want to be married to a porn star and there is only one way to resolve that. You need to decide if staying in a profession that has an expiry date is more important than having him in your life. If you can't or won't meet his conditions for reconciliation than end it, please don't lead him on. You need to find out why you need so much outside validation from other men, the only validation you should be concerned with is his. You cheated, you broke his trust, why should he believe that you will ever make him feel sale again? Have you been to counselling, have you looked into your FOO issues? Until you deal with your issues it is unlikely any one on one relationship will out for you. His issue may be that you are not his exclusively.

[Chi townD]

I don't mean to blame him for my cheating. I knew from the start of the relationship that he wanted a faithful gf. I said I could be that girl because at the time we were spending all of our free time together and I wasn't lonely or looking at anyone else.

 

After I went to film a movie(it was an adult film) he was distant with me. We we're spending as much time together and that really hurt me so I did go out and slept with a few people because he was so cold with me. He thawed a bit and I stopped messing around with most people and confessed it to him three days ago.

 

He says he wants me to quit my job and he'd pay me to work for him(non sexual personal assistant type work ). The drug testing because I do use illicit drugs for recreational use and he is so against it.

 

We are incompatible on the surface, but we do take care of one another. My cheating is a problem because I have to have sex. I can't properly explain myself to him, he just won't hear it. I don't want to quit my job because its all that I know.

 

How do people typically regain trust after cheating? I don't want us to break up.

 

 

Okay, I see bunnies hopping all around here! You're telling me that you're a porn star and your boyfriend became distance after you shot and adult film...

 

Am I getting that right?

 

This is something straight out of Penthouse Letters....

[moving2fast]

Going to try to address questions raised, apologies for all the typos. I've been writing on my phone and not reading before pressing submit...

 

I don't consider myself to be a "star" but I've been doing this for a few years now. He didn't know what my job was until about a week of dating and he accepted it. We were great, until I actually had to in for a film. When he met me at my house afterwards, I hadn't come down yet and was not myself.

 

That was upsetting for him, so he put up some distance, wasn't seeing me everyday like we were before, only called for short conversation, and I told him I missed him but he wouldn't come around for a while. He wasn't gone from my life, just needed to clear his head he said. So, in that time I hooked up with other people. I was lonely, I needed to feel something.

 

I don't consider my job to be more important than my relationship with him. I didn't mean to imply that at all. I mean to say that my job is the only thing that I'm sure of. Its the only job I've ever had, and I don't know how change would affect me. I don't know if I can be anything else, and its scary because I know I can't continue living as I do, but I don't know any other way to live. I have no office work experience. He knows that, and I worry it'll just cause strains in our relationship.

 

I think I could get rid of the drugs. I only use things when partying and after working at times. I'm not addicted. They just help me feel better at times. I use whatever is available, weed, ecstasy, cocaine, Vicodin and other pills. I don't drink anymore, well not enough to get drunk. I've never used heroin or Meth. I don't want to either.

 

I did not have a normal childhood. My father would hurt me and nobody did anything. My stepmother would take stuff out on me/get me in trouble all the time because she didn't want me there. It was my fault he was doing those things to me(hitting me, berating me, touching me, kissing me, sleeping with me and other things) It is all in the past though, I'm away from those people and never will have anything to do with them.

 

I haven't done therapy, don't want to waste anyone's time. I really have come a long way and don't want to look back at things I can't change. I would like a real family, that I never had with my father and step mom, but that's not important.

 

I love my boyfriend, I used to be upset when he told me he loved me, I used to think it was wrong/stupid for me say to him, but I love him. Before dating him, I did not think I would ever want one person around, I was not planning on exclusive dating. And I don't want him to leave me. I never meant to hurt him either, even though I may seem selfish and callous.

[beach]

Going to try to address questions raised, apologies for all the typos. I've been writing on my phone and not reading before pressing submit...

 

I don't consider myself to be a "star" but I've been doing this for a few years now. He didn't know what my job was until about a week of dating and he accepted it. We were great, until I actually had to in for a film. When he met me at my house afterwards, I hadn't come down yet and was not myself.

 

That was upsetting for him, so he put up some distance, wasn't seeing me everyday like we were before, only called for short conversation, and I told him I missed him but he wouldn't come around for a while. He wasn't gone from my life, just needed to clear his head he said. So, in that time I hooked up with other people. I was lonely, I needed to feel something.

 

I don't consider my job to be more important than my relationship with him. I didn't mean to imply that at all. I mean to say that my job is the only thing that I'm sure of. Its the only job I've ever had, and I don't know how change would affect me. I don't know if I can be anything else, and its scary because I know I can't continue living as I do, but I don't know any other way to live. I have no office work experience. He knows that, and I worry it'll just cause strains in our relationship.

 

I think I could get rid of the drugs. I only use things when partying and after working at times. I'm not addicted. They just help me feel better at times. I use whatever is available, weed, ecstasy, cocaine, Vicodin and other pills. I don't drink anymore, well not enough to get drunk. I've never used heroin or Meth. I don't want to either.

 

I did not have a normal childhood. My father would hurt me and nobody did anything. My stepmother would take stuff out on me/get me in trouble all the time because she didn't want me there. It was my fault he was doing those things to me(hitting me, berating me, touching me, kissing me, sleeping with me and other things) It is all in the past though, I'm away from those people and never will have anything to do with them.

 

I haven't done therapy, don't want to waste anyone's time. I really have come a long way and don't want to look back at things I can't change. I would like a real family, that I never had with my father and step mom, but that's not important.

 

I love my boyfriend, I used to be upset when he told me he loved me, I used to think it was wrong/stupid for me say to him, but I love him. Before dating him, I did not think I would ever want one person around, I was not planning on exclusive dating. And I don't want him to leave me. I never meant to hurt him either, even though I may seem selfish and callous.

 

You have assigned so much meaning to certain parts of your life.

 

I hope you can get professional help. It isn't wasting someone's time if it helps you to change.

 

You can get other work - try and do that.

 

You can begin to respect and honor yourself.

 

What your dad did to you has altered you. Your perspective is skewed. You believe the lies he taught you.

 

 

You can unlearn those lies and learn what is truth for you.

 

I hope you will get help.

[Chi townD]

Okay,

 

On the off chance that this is real.

 

He knew what you did, but didn't come to terms with it and was hit with a dose of reality when you made it real for him. He had to come to your place knowing that hours earlier you were with someone else intimately. He couldn't exactly ask how your day was, could he?

 

And you could tell me that it's just a job and it doesn't mean anything...but, that's not how he's seeing it. What he's seeing is the girl he cares about and even possibly loves, is having sex with someone else. Doing things to a another guy that most dudes would get from an exclusive relationship. Doesn't really give him anything to feel special about.

 

And that's the job aside. He was having a hard time coming to terms with what happened and during his inner struggle, was his girlfriend standing by his side and helping him come to terms with it? NOPE! Your solution was, "Well, since he's being distant, I'm gonna go get laid." He was hurt to begin with, then you went ahead and torn him apart.

 

You said that you're not addicted to drugs. But, you use drugs to feel better. Well, that's very telling. It tells me that you're not happy with your life choices and you use drugs as a means to escape. You stated that you had a rough time growing up, but you never had counseling. Well, don't you think that the drugs are masking the pain from childhood as well. Another means to escape from pain again?

 

I think you're learning a hard lesson. In the big picture of a relationship. Sex is only a small part of it. It plays a very important part, but it's still only a small part. Having a relationship to see if you can fall in love and see if the person you fall in love with can be your best friend. And with that union, comes a give and take that should be evenly distributed. With kindness, love and respect for the other person will ultimately end up with sex. Sex is (not only a way to start a family) just another way to communicate your love to the person you are with. To enjoy each other. And I think your boyfriend is taking it as if you see that union as meaningless. That you have no regard for it's purpose; therefore, you have no regard for your own relationship.

 

I've read your posts and you seem to be making a lot of excuses to not to try to get out of that lifestyle. You're posting that you have no other marketable skills. Well, what's stopping you from obtaining those skills. The fact is, I believe you don't want to stop. That it's quick and easy money that you really don't have to work for.

 

You need to let this guy go. You've hurt him pretty bad. But, if you're saying that you can't trust yourself, then you're not being fair to him. You need to sort out your problems (if you truely want to).

[moving2fast]

I left those people (parents)right before I turned 18, but stuff wasn't much better with the guy I stayed. He got me started in prostitution. He was nice at first, but then I was costing him money, so he would take me down to a truck stop to pay my share.

 

After he got in touch with this other guy, we moved and I started making money in movies. I left him a couple years ago, he was ruining everything, taking my money, hurting me, I made sure I had a little on the side. If not for that guy, I dunno where I'd be. So, I'm grateful. I should say sex never meant anything to me. Its nothing special.

 

I worry about therapy for a few reasons. I don't want to become dependent on someone. I don't want to get upset about stuff that's never going to change. I'm worried my boyfriend may start suggesting it as well. I hope it never comes to that. I seriously would be wasting time, because I'm not in need of anything. I wouldn't ever hurt a child (especially since I can't have any) and I am not violent. I'm a good friend, I work, I don't steal, I try to be honest (but I don't always tell on myself straight away).

 

I think I'm in a good place, and am doing okay. I am reading and starting a relationship with God. I want to get a handle on my vices, they were not an issue to me before meeting my bf. I never cared about much before.

[Chi townD]

When you don't hold a value on sex and it's nothing special is because of the men in your life made it to be something painful and confusing to you.

 

If you don't hold a value to sex, then why did you find it necessary to cheat on your boyfriend?

 

The fact is, you're afraid. You're afraid and embarrassed to go to a professional counselor and face these issues. You're afraid that you're going to be judged by your life choices. Your afraid to discover how screwed up your life as become (sorry, just calling it like it is!) I mean, you're about to lose the most meaningful relationship that you ever had for the first time in your life and you're coming to a forum of stranger for help. To help you save what you believe is the most important thing to you. YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE IS SCREWED UP!

 

Look, I usually agree with people setting conditions on a relationship, but I usually restrict it to married folks on here. It's entirely up to you if you want to follow his conditions or not. You're not married to him. But, if you can't agree to the terms, then let him go.

 

Personally, I kind of feel sorry for you because you never had a sexual experience that was truly meaningful to you. Were you not only feel his body, but feel his love when you look into his eyes. And never feel safe and secure in his arms. The men in your life have turned sex into something ugly for you.

 

You want to keep your man? Then your words are worthless to him. Actions speak louder than words. If you want to keep him, then you're going to have to leave that life behind you. He's going to need to see you going to counseling, doing the drug tests and staying away from them all together. He's going to have to SEE that you're doing this for him and more importantly FOR YOURSELF!! He needs to see you putting in the work. Because, if you do nothing to change this, then he's gone. You're going to have to decide if he's worth it.

[moving2fast]

You're right, when he came over that night he couldn't really talk to me. I didn't really think about his perspective because I've been stuck in mine. It didn't sink in that my doing the job hurt him. I know seeing me high and just not who I was upsetting. I want us to talk more about things. I seriously would quit if I knew I could do something else very well.

 

Me feeling stuck is not an excuse. I am willing to walk away from it, but scared. I am not worth this man's trouble, he could do better. He knows that too. I don't want him to hire me and my inability to perform to his standards affect his income. I just don't feel good enough. I care about him and don't want to cause anymore problems. A lack of confidence and self assurance is what's stopping me. I know I'm not dense, I was a good student, I just don't feel worth it/good enough to venture out.

 

I don't see my drug use as a problem, but I understand his perspective as well as yours. I do need an escape every now and then, I'm not proud of myself or many choices I make. I feel as though it would stop if I was doing something else, and if I wasn't just sleeping with people and being degraded(needing to be) only to feel so low that I need to feel better and use. It's hard to explain. I don't use everyday. I just get really sad.

 

I didn't mean to hurt him with the cheating and I know I did. I can't excuse it, but it never meant anything to me. If he were to do it to me, I would understand. I know my sentiments greatly differ from his. I know it all carries meaning in his book, and I'm so sorry that I've hurt him. He doesn't deserve it. But he still wants me in his life and I want to be there. I know I should work on me, I'm just worse when alone.

[Chi townD]

Everytime you post, you just point out more and more problems that need to be addressed by a professional.

 

You have absolutely no self value what-so-ever. You have no drive and you're afraid to try anything new. And now you're self deprecating. You're afraid of change and you're afraid to make something different in your life. Afraid to make an honest living where you don't have to be slut shamed and humiliated. And for someone that's "not addicted" to drugs, you sure come up with a lot of excuses to keep on using!

 

The thing is, people will be on this forum to help, to point you in the right direction. People will be on here to kick you in the ass and also celebrate in your accomplishments. But, only YOU can do the work. We can't do that for you. YOU have to find the motivation. YOU need to be the one to take that first step. We can't take that for you.

 

Plus, what would be more appealing to a guy. A business administrator or a porn star on drugs?

 

Find your self respect and your self worth. Right now, I really don't care about your boyfriend, but I see a girl on a very destructive path and you don't have to be.

[moving2fast]

When I say sex doesn't mean anything, I don't mean to say it doesn't feel good. It could be brutal and I'd feel good at the time, bruises and all. I don't value sex the way he does. It's like hugs, I dunno I'm not properly explaining myself.

 

That's why I cheated. I needed to be noticed/wanted and he was too upset to even look at me, let alone touch me. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but I was not planning to date the other guys, and only one of them did I sleep with more than once during that period.

 

I feel my bf is worth it. I am afraid I'm not. But I want to be, I want us to stay together. I don't want to leave and I don't want him to leave me.

[moving2fast]

Thank you. Chi TownD. I probably am getting on your nerves but I appreciate the advice. I need to start implementing this advice into my life.

 

I know my job isn't appealing(never prided myself on it, its just how I earn my living ) and I'd be happier earning a living with a job like the one my bf is offering, I would like to have a skillset.

 

I see what you mean when you say I have a lot of excuses. It's just me rationalizing poor behavior. I know I should go about things differently, but yes I am afraid of many things. In the end, all I have is me(especially if my bf does leave me).

[pteromom]

Because your dad abused you, and I am very sorry you went through that, you have learned that your main value is your sexuality. That is why you chose the profession you are in. That is why you need to "scratch that itch" when your boyfriend isn't available... because if someone isn't desiring you sexually, you feel worthless.

 

But that's not true. You have a lot to offer outside of just sex. And you DO need a counselor to help you connect everything that has happened to you in your past with who you are now.

 

If you won't see a counselor, I urge you to read books about surviving and healing from sexual abuse. I bet you can take many steps forward on your own.

 

And you need to do it away from the drugs. It may seem like you are escaping, but they are actually only creating more confusion. You will think much more clearly without that as part of your life.

 

Your boyfriend's rules aren't reasonable. He needs to understand that you are an adult, and he cannot control you into being faithful.

 

And I know you WANT to be faithful. But you aren't going to be capable of it until you get some help and get to the bottom of why you are making these choices.

[drifter777]

I see you post often on the OM/OW forum so is your boyfriend the MM you refer to so often over there?

 

So, you have a wonderful imagination and write very well. You are also really good at ignoring all advice and just pushing your point while adding new, colorful details. Well done...

[moving2fast]

No, my bf is not the MM I've written about. I have cheated on my bf with the MM, so its the third time we started up an affair, but its over for good. I would rather have my bf than continue seeing the MM. We were great friends (though he was fine with the life I'm living and we're bad influences on each other). I started seeing my bf a couple weeks after the second time I was confronted by the MM's wife.

 

And I did take advice, I just didn't stick to NC. Some things, are harder to do. I do appreciate the advice, and apologize if I seem to be ignoring things and not caring. I still don't feel ready for therapy(that was suggested before), that's the big piece of advice that I still clash with.

Edited January 21, 2014 by moving2fast

[beach]

The hard changes - are the ones worth doing!