Confessed and Now There Are Rules

[crederer]

Sorry, to be clear, he wants me to stop socializing with friends I take drugs with and men that I hooked up with. I understand where he's coming from. I want us to work, I don't want him to leave me.

 

He would pay for the drug test, has a date planned for that already. if I took it I'd fail now, I've told him that also.

 

I wasn't unhappy with him, but lonely and sad. When things were good, I wasn't even thinking about other people because he was giving me so much attention. He is now too, it's just not all good but I want him to stay with me. He's a great guy and I'm lucky he didn't just leave me.

 

And you have a problem with this, why? He wants you to stop using drugs and hanging around with people you've fornicated with. There's only one reason you;d have an issue with these things.....

[crederer]

I want a relationship with him though. We were great at first. I don't want to be alone, or just hooking up with people, I want someone to love me, like he says he does.

 

Are men that are married/long term relationship for X number if years and sneaking around with escorts as immature and unready for committed relationships? If not, what makes me different?

 

I know what I want sounds unreasonable but seriously before I went to film after the Christmas holiday, we were great. He was filling all my needs, then he was angry with me for the movie and such and wasn't talking to me much. We talk now, I don't want to be with anyone else. People I had sex with aren't important to me, he is.

 

Do you think that's the norm? For men to cheat on their wives with escorts?

[moving2fast]

And you have a problem with this, why? He wants you to stop using drugs and hanging around with people you've fornicated with. There's only one reason you;d have an issue with these things.....

 

I don't have a problem with it. I don't mind not hanging around those people and not using. I would like to be at a point where I don't need to use anything. I don't want to be this way, so I'm trying to change.

 

I do apologize for sounding entitled. I just am used to things being a certain way, and he's different. I am not blaming him at all. Just as he came into this with expectations so did I. My expectations are mostly physical, and he didn't meet those and won't allow me to provide certain things. I know it's my issues though and not the way a healthy relationship works.

 

I have been thinking maybe he'd be happier without me, but I don't want to lose him. He is a great guy and so loving and kind, nothing he's asking for is really bad/unreasonable. He just wants me to be safe. I know I have to get myself in order before I can really focus on any relationship. He shouldn't have to sit around waiting for me.

 

It helps to hear what others suggest, because I'm not able to really see from any other perspective. Maybe I want to push him away so I can have another excuse to go back to taking up poor behavior. I was so frustrated, I didn't just call and set up an appointment with the therapist I decided on, but I will today.

[moving2fast]

Do you think that's the norm? For men to cheat on their wives with escorts?

 

In all seriousness, I think it is quite common for men that are married to have more than one body. I say that from my own experience though, I know it may just be the people that I've been around. If I was raised by and met more folks that carried themselves like my bf and had value systems in semblance to his, I probably wouldn't think it was common practice.

[aliveagain]

This is your chance for normality, your just a decision away. Stay where you are now or move towards a normal life. One requires a lot of commitment and hard work, one is easy but you will never leave you feeling satisfied. This is it, what are you going to do?

[moving2fast]

I'm going to see someone, scheduled an appointment. The therapist is woman, when I see my bf for lunch, I will tell him that I finally set up an appointment. I know I need to do what it takes to get where I need to be and not where I have been. It is so easy to just be alone and reckless.

[Chi townD]

I'm going to see someone, scheduled an appointment. The therapist is woman, when I see my bf for lunch, I will tell him that I finally set up an appointment. I know I need to do what it takes to get where I need to be and not where I have been. It is so easy to just be alone and reckless.

 

 

And that leads to a lonely and short life.

[salparadise]

I have been thinking maybe he'd be happier without me, but I don't want to lose him. He is a great guy and so loving and kind, nothing he's asking for is really bad/unreasonable. He just wants me to be safe. I know I have to get myself in order before I can really focus on any relationship. He shouldn't have to sit around waiting for me.

 

He is willing to invest in you because he believes in you... probably more than you believe in yourself. He's willing to risk a broken heart because he believes you're worth it. You should feel inspired to invest in yourself and in the relationship. Don't let fear and self-doubt cause you to sabotage this huge opportunity. When opportunity knocks, open the door and seize it!

 

Maybe I want to push him away so I can have another excuse to go back to taking up poor behavior. I was so frustrated, I didn't just call and set up an appointment with the therapist I decided on, but I will today.

 

Yes, it's understandable that fear and anxiety will tempt you to backslide, but don't do it. Face it head on and be resolute in your decision to break through and leave your former destructive life behind for good. You're almost to the place where you'll fear the relapse more than moving forward. Make that call!

 

In all seriousness, I think it is quite common for men that are married to have more than one body. I say that from my own experience though, I know it may just be the people that I've been around. If I was raised by and met more folks that carried themselves like my bf and had value systems in semblance to his, I probably wouldn't think it was common practice.

 

Your point of reference will change as you make progress and commit to new values for yourself. Whether or not it's common is irrelevant. What matters is what's right, and what will result in a new life of integrity and authenticity. This is why it's so important that you give up that old, destructive lifestyle. Doing so helps solidify your commitment, reset your point of reference, and remove many of the triggers that could tempt you to relapse.

 

Right now it's extremely important that you fully commit, both cognitively and emotionally, to moving forward through this transformative process, and to your success (cannot be overemphasized). This moment in time may very well be the biggest opportunity you've had in your life thus far. Be resolute because you know you're worth it.

[moving2fast]

And that leads to a lonely and short life.

 

Yes, it sure would lead to one. I do want better than that, even when I'm fooling myself and thinking it's all I deserve.

[aliveagain]

moving2fast we all think money will make us happy. When we have money all we want is someone to love us for who we are and not about our money. Do you respect yourself when you accept payment for wages? You can replace things but you can't replace a lost love.

 

When I struggled as an artist my friends and I would pool our monies to buy a cheap 60 0z. bottle of wine that we all shared for the weekend as we painted. I lived above a Chinese restaurant, life was simple and it was the happiest time in my life. Money and a couple of cheaters changed that for me. It took me loosing a few million dollars to change my way of thinking. Money is no longer an issue for me yet all I want is to paint and travel the world. I can still only drink Tommasi Amarone's and my favorite liqueur is still Cuvee du Centenaire Grand Marnier. Thanks to an investment in a new medical technology I can have all the things I want but money can't buy me love. If you can find a man that really loves you and is able to help support you that has to be worth more than money and any material things. Of all the things you have now what makes you happy, focus on that because nothing else matters.

[moving2fast]

aliveagain, I never really give much thought to material things. Like I earn money to pay bills and such, but I never was the type to have to have certain brands of clothing or the best car. I just get what I need, I'm not smart with spending though. I give it away, and waste it on partying. I never really cared about my future just feeling good in the moment.

 

I just am worried about making a living. Hopefully I'll find something that can help relieve that feeling, a new job would be a great start. Building up the confidence to go to school would be nice.

 

I do love my boyfriend, and I'd give up lots for him. Doing porn is conflicting for me, like I'll be happy knowing I was good in the scenes, that I'm liked by the people I work with, that I've "done a decent job" but it also has me feeling so down I have to bring myself up. When I hook up with people and certain things happen, I feel just as bad.

 

When he's done in the office, we're going to celebrate my therapy appointment being set.

[aliveagain]

Awsome, awsome, awsome, baby steps. You will be amazed at what you spend on partying but you will be just as amazed at what you can survive on when you don't. Going back to school will give you something that you will have for the rest of your life. Life is not about dulling your sense's so you can make it through another day but enjoying every day to it's max. I am sure there are a lot of amazing people in your work place but think about the people that make their big mortgage payments from what you do for them. Would they allow their own daughter or wife do what you do? There is a time limit on what you do, there is no time limit on what an education can get for you.

[moving2fast]

The idea of going to school is exciting. I used to love it, minus getting picked on and not fitting in. I feel silly talking to my bf about going to school and what that would lead to (he'd be on board and happy I'm sure, he is always giving compliments and asking "if you could see yourself being anything you wanted, what would you be?") I just don't feel good enough to be there right now . It's hard to explain, but maybe after I get started with therapy I'll be in a better place and ready to make that next step.

Yeah, there's a time limit and I'm not young anymore. I never cared, didn't see myself being around for long really.

[aliveagain]

The idea of going to school is exciting. I used to love it, minus getting picked on and not fitting in. I feel silly talking to my bf about going to school and what that would lead to (he'd be on board and happy I'm sure, he is always giving compliments and asking "if you could see yourself being anything you wanted, what would you be?") I just don't feel good enough to be there right now . It's hard to explain, but maybe after I get started with therapy I'll be in a better place and ready to make that next step.

Yeah, there's a time limit and I'm not young anymore. I never cared, didn't see myself being around for long really.

 

This girl is the thing you have to change right now. Find an answer to his question, be honest. You are still young. If you mean what you say than do it, start the research, don't procrastinate this is your life. If you don't take it seriously who will?

[moving2fast]

No one will if I don't. I hope I'm good enough. I don't even know what I'm good at besides what I do, cleaning and cooking...Time to really think about things.

[aliveagain]

No one will if I don't. I hope I'm good enough. I don't even know what I'm good at besides what I do, cleaning and cooking...Time to really think about things.

 

I've been the owner of several business's, the president and chairman of a public company and to this day I still struggle with "I don't even know what I'm good at" everyday. The secret is not to let anyone else know.

 

My biggest achievement are my two daughters, nothing else comes close. I have gone full circle because now I'm an artist again. I carry my camera with me all the time, I shoot things and people that interest me so I can turn them into art. If you can do things you enjoy earning a living will be so much easier.

[moving2fast]

Thanks aliveagain, you're so lucky you have children. It is comforting to know that I'm not alone in the uncertainty of what task could be tackled best. It's great that you get to do what makes you happy. I need to figure out what really makes me happy. Tired of feeling empty.

[aliveagain]

That's the very feeling you need to avoid, the feeling of "empty" because that's a dead end feeling. You said you like cooking, why not become a chef? Hard work but everyone needs a good chef. I have a single mom that comes in every week to clean my house, she has her select few clients she cleans for. She has a very good life, flies to Vegas every few months, gets to spend a lot of time with her daughter. She's 34 years old and if she wanted to she could build her company by bringing on a few more single mom's and take on more clients. She does a great job and only spends 3 hours a week in my home. I think she can handle 3 clients per day which gives her about $600.00 a day or $3000.00 a week, $12,000.00 per month, or $144,000.00 per year and she's her own boss. She always leaves me a nice chocolate on my bed and I leave her a nice bottle of wine with the cash. I always pay her in cash. She didn't have to go to school to train to be a cleaner but she does excellent work.

 

She always has side things she promotes, I always get stuff sent to me on facebook about some special offer she has.

Edited January 29, 2014 by aliveagain

[moving2fast]

Thanks again alive again! I needed to hear that, I find myself so closed off and not looking at the good possibilities. Very inspiring post, lots to look forward to starting.

[moving2fast]

Today I am actually feeling a bit more optimistic about things. Yesterday I resigned, and felt a bit down but it was probably for the best. Trying to say to myself that it probably would interfere with therapy since I'm doing that(and first appointment is Tuesday).

 

My bf is being really supportive and comforting, even when I get really frustrated/down, he's positive and telling me he's proud of me for doing things. I can't help but think he would be better off without me. I told him he should leave me (my goodness I don't want him to but I know I'm not good enough for him) and he tells me to stop saying that and focus on getting to a better place. He loves me and won't leave me hurting and alone.

 

We talked about what jobs I can do while getting ready to take steps towards other things and he expressed his concern for me being around men, and I understand where he's coming from, so I really am leaning towards working with him (until I'm able to get certain behavior in check ) but at the same time, I don't want to depend on anyone this much. I am feeling much better today though, just so much to think about.

[Chi townD]

Today I am actually feeling a bit more optimistic about things. Yesterday I resigned, and felt a bit down but it was probably for the best. Trying to say to myself that it probably would interfere with therapy since I'm doing that(and first appointment is Tuesday).

 

My bf is being really supportive and comforting, even when I get really frustrated/down, he's positive and telling me he's proud of me for doing things. I can't help but think he would be better off without me. I told him he should leave me (my goodness I don't want him to but I know I'm not good enough for him) and he tells me to stop saying that and focus on getting to a better place. He loves me and won't leave me hurting and alone.

 

We talked about what jobs I can do while getting ready to take steps towards other things and he expressed his concern for me being around men, and I understand where he's coming from, so I really am leaning towards working with him (until I'm able to get certain behavior in check ) but at the same time, I don't want to depend on anyone this much. I am feeling much better today though, just so much to think about.

 

I'm very happy and very proud of you for taking the first steps into a new life for yourself. And I'm very glad you're going to see a therapist. And see, you said it yourself, you're feeling better!

 

Remember what I wrote earlier? What I said about your boyfriend SEEING you do something about your problems? He's seen you quit that job, he's seen you finding a therapist to talk to. If all you ever did was TALK about doing things, he would be gone.

 

Look, I know you feel you don't deserve your boyfriend and you have a low opinion of yourself, but you have to find that motivation to keep moving forward. That you deserve to work in a healthy environment, to foster a healthy and satisfying relationship with a man, and to live a healthy and full life! You just have a lot of demons to battle in front of you and it's scary to think about. BUT! you do have a support network through us and you DO have a boyfriend to lean on. And guess what? WE'RE BOTH (US AND HIM) ARE TELLING YOU TO USE US! Lean on us! Lean on him! He wants to see you succeed as much as we do! I want to SEE your success story!

 

I want you to go to school and get a CAREER instead of a job. Big difference! So, what interests you? What do you think that you would like doing? Nurse, Doctor, computers, marketing, social work, law enforcement, physical therapy, chef, business.....there's got to be something that you can see yourself doing. What is it?

 

And I think we would all like to hear about your therapy appointment, so don't go disappearing on us!

[moving2fast]

Thanks so much Chi TownD!

I do remember what you said, and I do agree that he would have walked away if I wasn't taking some steps forward. I really didn't think I would be doing this, it just doesn't seem real.

 

I am happy to have your support as well as his. Struggling to accept it all, but I do appreciate and need all I can get. I am afraid to get attached and things change/he leave me when I really need him. I want a better life, here's to hoping I do what I need to do so that I can live it.

 

I would like a career also. I really need to get my conduct in order before I do (as well as confidence, but that's creeping upward) it's hard to really explain on a forum; I don't handle things well and probably shouldn't jump in before addressing things. And that just has me feeling bad, because I don't like my bf getting stressed/ worried and wanting to check on me. I will be going to school.

 

I enjoy cooking, so I'll be looking for something to do along those lines. I do not know where to go from there...but I am thinking about things, something I wasn't doing before. I never thought I'd be doing any of this really. I can't believe I'm actually making plans. I'll be sure to let you know how the appointment goes. I'm scared and excited about it now, ready for Tuesday to be here.

[aliveagain]

Damn girl, I am impressed and also proud of the life changing decision you just made, damn, damn, damn. He does deserve you, he's no fool because he sees something in you and he's betting everything on what he sees. He knows how big the commitment is that you just made for yourself and for him. He noticed. You just gave me faith again, so often we read that about the changes people say they are going to make for themselves and than they just go back to what their comfortable with, nothing changes, their life doesn't change. Real change isn't comfortable, it takes courage and damn it girl you have the heart of a lion, good for you.

 

If you just so happen to read my Bio, I am an amazing cook and most woman are afraid to cook for me. I am happy to share my knowledge and recipes if you want to test your abilities on your man. I have been testing out the potential of cooking class's for newly separated/divorced men. I have a commercial kitchen lined up that will allow about 12 cooks to prepare meals in a classroom kind of set up. We would cook meals that they can make for future dates as well as meals for children(they can't feed their kids frozen dinners forever). This would also allow them to be with others going through the same things as themselves giving them the opportunity to talk about different situations . I might even have a lawyer or counsellor attend and share wine with us.

 

You made my day, thank you moving2fast.

[todreaminblue]

you are going to build resentment for having demands placed on you....i fyou truly loved the guy the demands wouldnt matter.....you would feel true remorse and if you loved him would be grateful that he accepted you back even with the hoops.....but you are unhappy.......couples counselling is what i would suggest.......but i think you need to dig deep and know what you feel for him..if it isnt love and more guilt for playing up....let him find someone who loves him and you find someone you love....best wishes...deb

[KathyTeran]

To me demands = control. I was in a very controlling relationship for many years, you shouldn't have to DO anything to make someone love you. He should love you for who you are. Sorry to be so blunt but you don't want to be kept under the pressure of someone like that.