herself Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Today was one HARD day. But I made it through without tears, but didnt sleep at all last night. And he was on my mind all day. I cant WAIT for that part to end, its brutal. Just almost reached out with one of those pour your heart out and adk why type of emails. So glad I didnt. He cant write, text or call because he is blocked and somehow I still check my phone. This is really sad missing someone so much. Denial & anger....wishing HARD for acceptance. Link to post Share on other sites
Dog Woman Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Today was one HARD day. But I made it through without tears, but didnt sleep at all last night. And he was on my mind all day. I cant WAIT for that part to end, its brutal. Just almost reached out with one of those pour your heart out and adk why type of emails. So glad I didnt. He cant write, text or call because he is blocked and somehow I still check my phone. This is really sad missing someone so much. Denial & anger....wishing HARD for acceptance. It will get easier. You are doing so well 14 days into NC, just keep taking steps forward but don't look too far ahead into the future. Take a day at a time. Maybe think about ways of distracting yourself - new hobbies, friends, family etc. I found that contacting friends or family around the same time exMM used to contact me each week, eventually stopped me checking my phone for his texts. I would look forward to texts from family and friends instead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 The thing that made NC stick for me was to get angry and MM and stop pitying him. I looked at the destruction HE had caused and HIS CHOICES. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herself Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 That's tough as I dont like my family & because of the secretiveness of the EA I can confide in no one. Ive been going to the gym but i always have everyday so its not the stress reliever it is for most. The roughest part is knowing I could reach out & he would reply. I believe he misses me too. Just want to kill the hope. Next Monday is his birthday. I will not reach out. Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Be proud of yourself for NOT reaching out....I was 9 days NC and blew it. I called to say I was having a hard time and hoped he was too. I felt a little better after hearing his voice and that he did miss me too BUT now I'm back at almost square one....the pain is unbearable, good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author herself Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Tchrgrl, Why did yours end, and I wonder why you had to be the one to reach out, were. You guys agreed on NC? We didnt decide mutually. In the end he was distancing and a hot/cold act, followed by 5 days of radio silence out of the clear blue. I brought it up and he blew up & said Im done. I went nc and blocked and he reached out on a missed connection forum to say merry xmas. I just said to my friend you left us, then you reach out...he just said I need time. We exchanged some nice emails agreed with a break & 3 days later, I was like WAIT a minute.....NO! I wont be pushed aside waiting this hurts & Im.losing my mental well being and am done (paraphrasing) That was my last email 2 weeks ago & Ive been SO hurt. Like he had to think about whether he could keep me in his life...after THIRTEEN years? No. I had to go but we were CLOSE and talked every day and I cant understand how it all falls apart so quickly. I cant go through this again. It wrecked Christmas, my birthday and New Years. I can never get those days back. Still having nightmares, physical chest pain (anxiety), trouble sleeping, depression.... This is powerful stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Ugh, I know how you are feeling....the actual physical symptoms are the worst. We had been having an A for almost 2 years. We are both married and got into this for different reasons. I was very lonely and he wanted the sex basically! I made it into a "relationship" and I pretty much knew he was never going to leave his wife etc. I have children and he wants that with his wife so I understand WHY we cannot be anything more but it hurts unbelievably. I do believe that it became more than sex for him by the end but we (mostly him!) decided that this was making us both crazy and always the fear of getting caught was big for him more so than me. I was behaving in ways that were sooooo not like me and I think I kind of just pushed him to the point of seeing that this was not going in a good direction -as if an A ever could! I unfortunately have to see his family and the day I called him was one of those days. I just called and unleashed, crying, really pathetic actually. It's amazing to see what this type of relationship can do to a rational person Link to post Share on other sites
Author herself Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Awe man, I am so sorry. Yes the pain was intwnse. I know seeing his family must be dreadful. We were just an EA not PA but also both married neither ever planned to leave, but I didnt want more, cause we had it All, I just wanted to keep what we had. He began to mention guilt alot and we started trying to go back to platonic and it was causing a roller coaster. I would pull away, he would panick, then vice versa. I think he was falling in love & also seeing the reality that there are true feelings that came with. Respinsibility and being accountable & thats where the fun wore off. It was just supposef to be "innocent" secret between friends but it got REAL...and DEEP. So he startef to dp the.slow fade. He and his wife have two toddlers, I have no.kids. he started weighing I think the option of getting caught & breaking up his family&.hurting his wife and reality set in, this is more than sexting. Anyways love does make u do and act in craxy ways. I wrote some things I was embarrassed about just like you feel your call was pathetic but dont feel it was....it was true and raw honest emotion. I hope he meant it when he said he missed you too. I think its just hard to be done & ecpect to switch it all off.instantly. Leaves a gaping hole. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 ((((hugs)))), herself!! Wow, that is tough after 13 years. Definitely one of those "journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step" situations. Congratulations on completing what was probably the longest two weeks of your life and the metaphorical single step. I'm sure he loves and misses you terribly. But it doesn't make the relationship right. You are doing the right thing now. Let that knowledge help you continue on the straight and narrow. Wine helps too : ) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Soon you'll at day 15. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion Read this great opening post by No Foolin'. Hope it helps and gives you lots of strength to stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 It sounds like the EA ending is for the best but the immediate stopping of feelings and not being able to openly mourn that loss is the killer! So many of us understand your pain and I literally tell myself to just get through the next 5 minutes.... Link to post Share on other sites
NYyanks819 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I am also NC day 14 today.. it is very tough for me.. All I do is think about her, but am staying strong.. Not checking ANY FB updates or whatever I know your pain Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Today was one HARD day. But I made it through without tears, but didnt sleep at all last night. And he was on my mind all day. I cant WAIT for that part to end, its brutal. Just almost reached out with one of those pour your heart out and adk why type of emails. So glad I didnt. He cant write, text or call because he is blocked and somehow I still check my phone. This is really sad missing someone so much. Denial & anger....wishing HARD for acceptance. I'm so sorry about your pain. I've No contact so many times...and it sucks so much omg when you love someone but the circumstances are not right...really sucks. I feel your pain, I can only say to you be strong if you are serious about forgetting him forever and move on. unfortunately I could not stay no contact. the most I've been is 4 months. I can tell you, feelings were still there after those 4 months. Just not triggers anymore, and I felt calmer etc, but the hole was there, in my heart. I just don't understand why we have to suffer so much. Why things couldn't been easier... I'm sorry again. I hope you feel better soon. Those physical triggers will disappear. eventually, you'll see things more clear and you'll only remember him with sadness. I promise you'll return to be your own self again in a couple months. I cannot promise you'll forget... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts