Lisey9 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) I feel like I'm going to get flamed for this post, but I'm just trying to feel better. My husband and I have been married for three years and together for 6. I know him pretty well at this point. Three things about H: 1. I can never tell him anything without it turning into a fight, because no matter how I phrase something or what the problem is, he takes it as criticism, and he cannot stand to be told he is not perfect. 2. It is very important to him what other people think of him, and 3. he is not really into Valentine's Day, but he does expect a gift from me. When I say that he is not into V-Day I mean that he wants me to make him dinner at home because he thinks it is crazy expensive to eat out on V-Day and it's not worth it. In general, he does not want to spend money on V-Day (on me). I am TOTALLY fine with that (but it should work both ways), because it's right after a ton of family birthdays, and Christmas so it's an expensive time of year and we really need to be putting more money into savings (an agreed upon financial goal). My V-Day expectations are that 1. It is a romantic holiday, for those who choose to celebrate it (or if you have kids, they get candy) and 2. If he expects me to do something special for him (a gift and a special dinner), he should do something special for me (something romantic just for me). The first year we were married, H sent me tulips and sent his sister (who is married herself, and whose husband treats her very well) roses. No issue that V-Day, because I didn't know about the roses and thought my tulips were sweet and within budget. The second year we were married, H sent me the same tulips as the previous year, and also sent his sister the exact same bouquet. I happened to see them because a few days after V-Day I was at her house helping her with something. So when I got home I tried in the nicest way possible to let H know that I would feel really special if he didn't get me the same flowers as his sister. Of course it turned into a fight. The third year we were married, H sent me the same tulips as the last couple years, and sent his sister a bouquet of orchids (her favorite flower) that was twice as big as what he sent me, and CRAZY expensive. He also sent the flowers Feb 13, since it was cheaper; I think this was his interpretation of me having a problem with how much he spends on flowers. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I was kind of like wtf, since he spent more on flowers for his sister than on his wife, and he sent her a larger bouquet than he sent me. So he basically broke our budget to send his sister amazing flowers. I didn't say anything to H about it since he screamed at me the last year for saying anything, but he did brag about how his sister was bragging on FB about the flowers he sent her and asked me if I saw them and what I thought of them, and I tried nicely to remind him of the budget and again it turned into a fight. Anyways, since in the last year we have reorganized how we do our finances, I now pay the bills, so I saw the V-Day bill for this year when I paid the credit card bill. I can pretty much guarantee that I am getting those tulips again, but somehow H spent $350 on flowers. Also, I don't particularly like tulips - I don't hate them by any means, but the reason my husband sends them to me the one and only time of the year that he ever gets me flowers is because once when we were dating he sent me tulips (which he later admitted he sent solely because they were the cheapest available - how romantic, right) and obviously I said thank you. I think it's kind of messed up that H is thoughtful enough to send his sister her favorite flower, but he doesn't know what mine is (and not because I haven't told him). Edited January 20, 2014 by Lisey9 Link to post Share on other sites
The Peanut Gallery Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Men ... romance does NOT come built in. No no no! If they were computers, these would be software upgrades, added on later, by their wives! Have you tried to give him a "Honey Do" Pick up list? If you have ever sent him to the store with a shopping list, do the same for a V-Day list! It sounds nuts, but he might get the idea! Start small this year, and maybe he will get inspired next year! Try something like - "Honey, on your way home tonight, could you pick up a few things for our special dinner tonight? Even throw in a few grocery items! -candles (any kind, something for romantic mood lighting!) -milk (for our favourite drinks later!) **or whatever you need for dinner** -caramel or chocolate sauce, you pick! (for dipping ....things into, and letting you lick it off!) -massage oil of your choice (my gift to you, and every inch of your body!) -a little surprise for me!!! (anything at all - I LOVE surprises!)" Give that a go! It works for me ... and now, he doesn't even need a list, OR an occasion! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 On one level I agree with your DH. I hate going out to eat on V-day & if it falls on a Saturday or Sunday you couldn't drag me to an overly crowded restaurant for love or money. I hate the crowds. DH knows this so we go out on the 13th or the 15th. I actually think it's smart that your husband gives you flowers on the 13th to save money. I love that & will suggest it to my husband. I told him when we were dating that if he ever gave me flowers for V-day I'd break up with him because it just burns me that they are 2-3X the price. That said, your husband's expectations that you make a big fuss where he gets away with doing next to nothing. I realize you said it will cause a fight if you say anything but I think you need to tell him that his behavior hurts you. Try to remain calm. Remind him that you love him. It's not about the money except that he's spending more on his sister than you. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Your husband sends his sister $350 flowers and sends you ones that are cheaper??? That sounds crazy to me. You say everything is an argument, so not sure what to tell you about that, but I would ask him why he has to spend $350 on flowers for his sister. I don't even want my SO to spend that much on flowers for me, as they're gonna die. If you don't celebrate V-Day at all it's one thing but if you do it and do it half-assed it's insulting and if I'm your wife and you give other people nicer gifts than me, that's insulting. Maybe if it was his mom it would feel less insulting but sister? No. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lisey9 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I also find it weird sending flowers to a sibling on Valentines Day. Is this not a romantic day? I think it's weird too. If she was single, or her husband treated her awfully, or she just got divorced or something I could understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I know it is oft said but there are much deeper issues here. Forget the sister. This is about you and your husband. Forget the flowers. Forget the tulips. If you have been together this long and you can't express your concerns to your husband then what does this say about your relationship? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I think it's weird too. If she was single, or her husband treated her awfully, or she just got divorced or something I could understand. It is weird and even if you wanted to send something, $350 worth of something seems overboard for a sibling. On Valentine's Day I sometimes get my friends little gifts or my sister/parents but small tokens, nothing extravagant. I will get them cute cards and some chocolates or other candy or a stuffed animal, but nothing that costs over $20. My spouse/SO would be the focus of that day and would receive the bulk of any gifts I'm handing out for that day. I would ask him why though....but the bigger problem is that you guys can't talk about anything without it being an argument it seems. You have to address that. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I wouldnt make him dinner. If he asks why, tell him to ask his sister to cook him something. And if she would be so kind to take over blowjob duties, as well, so be it. Then i'd go dead silent on him until he whipped up a piece of jewelry and a foot massage. If that takes days or weeks, so be it. Sometimes you have to out-stubborn the dog. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I also find it weird sending flowers to a sibling on Valentines Day. Is this not a romantic day? no. I think it's about love and that isn't just confined to a sexual/romantic relationship. I'm in my 30s and my mom and brother still send me chocolates or a card by mail, and vice-versa. it's not a 'holiday' I enjoy (love is year round) but it's certainly not limited to just couples. I even get my dogs treats :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I know it is oft said but there are much deeper issues here. Forget the sister. This is about you and your husband. Forget the flowers. Forget the tulips. If you have been together this long and you can't express your concerns to your husband then what does this say about your relationship? This, pretty much. The flowers thing would annoy me too, but this is the real crux of the issue right here. If you can't make suggestions without it turning into a huge fight, it signals a much deeper problem going on. I think you should make that your priority to deal with and communicate about, not the flowers. Later on, if and only if you have resolved that larger problem, you can make a nice suggestion for things he can do for you on VDay (without it turning into a big fight). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Buy yourself the flowers you want and order take out good. Put his tulips in the corner that's never seen. But yourself some gift you want too - like perfume or a personal item. Maybe he will get the message he's too structured with your stingy gifts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I also find it weird sending flowers to a sibling on Valentines Day. Is this not a romantic day? Yes it is odd. Are they blood siblings? There has to be a reason why he puts his sister higher up on the chain.. Honestly your husband is a piece of work and he's being a real a-hole about Valentine's Day. He expects you to bend over backwards for him, buy him gifts, cook dinner for him but won't spend much on you, let alone take you out to a nice dinner? He is cheap, yet spends double/triple the amount of flowers on his sister... Is his mom still alive? is it possible that he sees her as his mother figure, growing up he leaned on her for parental support? Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I think the special Valentine's dinner menu should include stir-fried tulips. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 If I were you, I'd go ahead and pamper myself that day. There would be no dinner. Nope... pedi, mani, haircut and then wine for me, a bouquet of my favorite flowers, some of my favorite chocolates, dinner ordered in and a nice long hot soak in a bubble bath. When he looks all baffled at what you are doing simply state... well since you won't pamper me, I'll have to do it myself. Oh... you wanted me to slave over a hot stove for you? But wait... what have you done for me? But then again.... I'm single because my man cheated on me... so consider the source. <insert evil maniacal laugh> 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Hmm, that is an interesting perspective, for me it has always seemed to be a day more about the romantic kind of love as opposed to the kind shared between relatives. I do suppose everyone could interpret the day differently though, but for me I would feel extremely uncomfortable giving a sibling a valentines day gift. It's romantic, of course, but once people have kids, it also becomes a family thing too. Growing up my parents would give my siblings and I chocolates and a card, we would make cards and give it to them. This tradition seems to have continued in this posters situation and it's just weird/wrong that spends more $$ on his sister than his wife! And gets her classier type of flowers as well! I wouldnt make him dinner. If he asks why, tell him to ask his sister to cook him something. And if she would be so kind to take over blowjob duties, as well, so be it. Then i'd go dead silent on him until he whipped up a piece of jewelry and a foot massage. If that takes days or weeks, so be it. Thanks for the early morning laugh Janie! Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I think it's sweet he sends his sister flowers. If my brother sent me flowers it would mean a lot to me. However he shouldn't be sending me a bigger bouquet than he sends his own wife. Also your husband shouldn't be screaming at you about valentines day. Screaming? I've had arguments with my husband but I'm not sure I've ever been screamed at. Sheesh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bwright42tx Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 In our house we celebrate this Valentine's Day a little bit differently. My wife get's me nothing for Valentine's day. The Holiday is all for her. If everything goes well, then I get my own Holiday on March 14th. About The Holiday | Steak and BJ Day Maybe you could try something like this. . .introduce the new holiday for him, and let Valentine's day be all about you. Since you're changing things up, this would be a good opportunity to set some expectations without it seeming like criticism. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 (edited) You can change it up - tell him you want to pretend there is no holiday. Just act like it's any other day. Edited January 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 It is not odd, per se, to send something to a sibling. But on Valentine's Day? Roses? Nicer and more expensive than for your wife? Are they incestuous? I mean, what other reason would he have to send flowers that are more expensive and better than what he sends his wife? Yuck. Even if that is not the case, I would be done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 In our house we celebrate this Valentine's Day a little bit differently. My wife get's me nothing for Valentine's day. The Holiday is all for her. If everything goes well, then I get my own Holiday on March 14th. About The Holiday | Steak and BJ Day ROFL! How interesting. VDay dinner for us typically involves him ordering fillet mignon anyway, and a BJ is standard too (as well as cunnilingus). So we have steak, BJs, flowers, AND romance all on the same day, thereby merging 2 holidays in one. Ha! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Are you sure he's only sending flowers to the two of you? His bill seems pretty high for two orders. Even if one was 150 and the second 100 that still leaves a lot more that's not explained. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I think it's sweet he sends his sister flowers. If my brother sent me flowers it would mean a lot to me. However he shouldn't be sending me a bigger bouquet than he sends his own wife. Also your husband shouldn't be screaming at you about valentines day. Screaming? I've had arguments with my husband but I'm not sure I've ever been screamed at. Sheesh. Not just bigger, but his wife gets carnations and his sister gets roses. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I think Steak and a BJ day is kind of silly, but whatever floats your boat. Link to post Share on other sites
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