Doing sooo well, but then I see something and want to contact him........

[ladybug1984]

So I am wondering if *I* have some sort of addiction. I am going into month six of NC and have done sooo well. I will do good for days then see something that makes me want to C him. I KNOW that relationship was unhealthy. I KNOW it needed to be over. I have other interests in my life (not relationships, just other things - friends, activities, etc.), so I am not lonely. WHY do I still crave this relationship and why do I keep having these thoughts pop up when I KNOW it was unhealthy????? I am beginning to wonder if *I* have the issues/addictions????? For what it's worth, no other long-term relationship I have had has ever been such a tough thing to break off. I've had others that lasted much longer than this one that ended and I never looked back. What's up with this?!?!?

[jessiej]

i know exactly how you feel! I was in a very abusive and unhealthy relationship for 3 years, and we have been broken up for about 4 months now.

 

I know the relationship was really unhealthy, and he treated me so badly, but just like you do, I sometimes have an urge to contact him, despite everything he's done to me. I have good days, and I also have bad days, and I think that's okay, it's a process.

 

Nothing is wrong with you at all. It's hard to lose someone really special to you, and to just stop talking to them. It's natural that you will see something that will remind you of them, and make you want to contact them. But it's so great that you don't! It's amazing you've been able to go 6 months with NC. I struggled with NC a lot in the begining, so you should be really proud of yourself for doing so well!

 

But don't beat yourself up or think somethings wrong with you, just because you miss someone. Of course you miss them if they were a big part of your life. Hell, I even miss my ex sometimes even though I KNOW he didn't treat me well. But we just have to remember exactly that, they didn't treat us well. And yes somedays we will want to contact them, but that's okay, and it's normal, and it will truly pass in time.

 

Focus on being the best you, you can be and don't worry, this too shall pass. One day you won't feel the need to contact him at all.

[Ronni_W]

ladybug,

I don't know your back-story so this may be totally of base...if so, please do excuse me.

 

Is it possible that you are missing the healthy, fun, positive aspects and elements of the relationship...the stuff that you enjoyed? Obviously I'm assuming that at some point there were those, as well.

 

That is, could it be that it's not the specific guy you miss but the type of relationship in general -- but also including kindness, caring, respect, consideration, satisfaction, fulfillment -- that you're missing? (Does this make sense?)

[ladybug1984]

Thanks friends. It's truly hard. I guess I tend to overanalyze everything in life, not just this. It helps so much reading comments and feedback on here.........and no, I didn't think about it being the TYPE of relationship and not the person that I am missing. He was my first love - ever - and we went our separate ways for about 15 years (I am estimating - but a long time, basically). There has never been anybody quite like him. I truly think it's just HIM, honestly, and not the type of R., but I could be wrong. I'm proud of myself. And hoping I can stick with NC. I definitely have my days where I think I am going to cave, lol. WIll keep on keeping on. What choice do we have, really!?!

[Hopeful714]

You have no choice but to keep on, keeping on. If you were to contact at this point I would think you would look somewhat pathetic in his eyes..and I'm not trying to be mean.

 

I'm sure somewhere deep inside he knows he has issues. And the bummer is if he didn't have these troubles, and truly loved you, nothing would stop him from having you, contacting you, and making things right. But, this is not happening. So, yes, you must keep going.

 

I think you ARE missing a R with the right person and may be feeling a bit lonely as you continue to heal and process this. It's sad to have to let go of feelings and come to the realization that someone is not right for you and has their own struggles you cannot assist with.

[Haydn]

This is normal, everyone we meet is different 3 years can have a worse effect than 10 years. Keep going, you will pull though.

 

 

So I am wondering if *I* have some sort of addiction. I am going into month six of NC and have done sooo well. I will do good for days then see something that makes me want to C him. I KNOW that relationship was unhealthy. I KNOW it needed to be over. I have other interests in my life (not relationships, just other things - friends, activities, etc.), so I am not lonely. WHY do I still crave this relationship and why do I keep having these thoughts pop up when I KNOW it was unhealthy????? I am beginning to wonder if *I* have the issues/addictions????? For what it's worth, no other long-term relationship I have had has ever been such a tough thing to break off. I've had others that lasted much longer than this one that ended and I never looked back. What's up with this?!?!?

[jba10582]

I wanted to give you some perspective from the other end of the spectrum. I was abusive toward my ex and carried an extreme amount of guilt from it…and I still feel the guilt surfaces at unexpected times and I notice, I’ll find myself crying when I get back from the gym sometimes ( it happens despite the heightened endorphins and other heightened hormones no matter what anyone else says should happen). The body stores hidden emotions however, as there are many connections in fields of nutrition, science, and spirituality between the mind, body and spirit and I feel like some of the guilt surfaces while the body has been sweating and exercises and as I continue to eat healthy and detoxifying foods as well. Especially during those times, I begin to think about her and how I still love her and how I allowed myself to act in toxic (and unconscious) ways. I have been ever since involved in continue to make the improvements through therapy, books,self-hypnosis, nutrition, exercise, spirituality, mindfulness, using all possible avenues I can conceive to improve…and as I do, the behaviors and attitudes and lifestyle and senses becoming more apparent and heightened at noticing my patterns of thought and having the experience that I continue to live with each and every day. I realized near the beggining of the break-up self abusive thoughts were at the peak as it felt like I had literally descended into the emotional bounds of hell. I have let go of any ill-will I felt towards myself or others and unbind those horrible chains with forgiveness, an avenue to climbing from the seemingly bottomless pit, and is something I need to constantly remind myself of, as it is one of the most freeing things a person can do

Edited January 25, 2014 by jba10582

[ladybug1984]

Thanks, everyone. Hopeful, YES, I think he does know he has issues. He isn't with anyone else, as I know this from a mutual friend/relative of his. Maybe he is actually taking some time to work on himself. I sure hope so. It's very hard. Haydn, you are right - and it's just hard no matter what.

 

 

JBA, GOOD FOR YOU!!! I can only hope he is maybe doing some of the same things. Wouldn't it be great if he is taking care of himself. And while I wouldn't want anyone to feel bad relentlessly, I would feel a little better if he DID feel remorse, and enough of it to want to change. It is good knowing your perspective, as I don't know what it's like on the other side. I can only hope the same for him. I wish you the best in your journey. it sure sounds like you have been through a lot and are trying. That is awesome.

[GemmaUK]

You're processing.

It's a good thing.

 

I doubt you want to go back?

 

You just keep remembering things.

That is all good!

 

I have mailed myself a list of 30 odd things so far and my guess is I have another 40/50 things to write down.

I have lost the stress of the 30 things I have written down.

 

I want to know the things and remember them soI spot them next time I date should they happen again.

..and my situ was that he attempted to be controlling but failed as I wouldn't have it. It was not right nor fair.

 

Keep processing it. It hurts and gets you angry - good!

Accept the processing. If you don't process you won't learn to avoid it next time. ((hugs))

[JDPT]

No, you aren't considered an addict, you are simply going through the motions of a BU. We all have our ups and downs, however, as yourself do you miss the person or do you miss the memories and perhaps fantasy you lived with this person?

Come to terms with what it is exactly that you are missing. It'll sort your emotions and make room for healing and growth.

[ladybug1984]

You're processing.

It's a good thing.

 

I doubt you want to go back?

 

You just keep remembering things.

That is all good!

 

I have mailed myself a list of 30 odd things so far and my guess is I have another 40/50 things to write down.

I have lost the stress of the 30 things I have written down.

 

I want to know the things and remember them soI spot them next time I date should they happen again.

..and my situ was that he attempted to be controlling but failed as I wouldn't have it. It was not right nor fair.

 

Keep processing it. It hurts and gets you angry - good!

Accept the processing. If you don't process you won't learn to avoid it next time. ((hugs))

 

 

Gemma, as long as I don't see him, I don't want to go back. What happened last time was that I was FINE until I ran into him somewhere and it set me back. Something about seeing him. What is up with that????

 

So what is your list??? I am wondering if it is the same as mine. The only thing that I can do that helps is to review this list I came up with of how he meets certain criteria for abusers. Keep in mind it didn't get to the level of physical abuse with this relationship in recent years, only from many years ago, so my doubts are all related to WHAT IF HE NEVER DID BECOME AN ABUSER and all of these signs were just isolated personality quirks?? And if that's true, I gave up on what could have been a great relationship. I guess that's my hesitation. Please share your thoughts on that AND what's on your list I keep it for future reference because *I* was so uneducated on this whole topic.

[ladybug1984]

No, you aren't considered an addict, you are simply going through the motions of a BU. We all have our ups and downs, however, as yourself do you miss the person or do you miss the memories and perhaps fantasy you lived with this person?

Come to terms with what it is exactly that you are missing. It'll sort your emotions and make room for healing and growth.

 

 

Thanks, JDPT. It sure feels like an addiction. I'm glad it's just par for the course (not glad I am feeling all of that, just glad it isn't a true addiction, lol). I probably miss the FANTASY of the good parts of him. There were good parts. But as I already pointed out, there are not-so-good parts. I truly need to focus on THOSE and not just the good parts and what I want him to be (the fantasy). MANNNN, it helps typing all this out. What I am saying to here makes sense. Maybe now that I have gotten it 'on paper', I will actually start LISTENING and believing

[turnera]

So I am wondering if *I* have some sort of addiction. I am going into month six of NC and have done sooo well. I will do good for days then see something that makes me want to C him. I KNOW that relationship was unhealthy. I KNOW it needed to be over. I have other interests in my life (not relationships, just other things - friends, activities, etc.), so I am not lonely. WHY do I still crave this relationship and why do I keep having these thoughts pop up when I KNOW it was unhealthy????? I am beginning to wonder if *I* have the issues/addictions????? For what it's worth, no other long-term relationship I have had has ever been such a tough thing to break off. I've had others that lasted much longer than this one that ended and I never looked back. What's up with this?!?!?

Are you going to at least monthly therapy?

[ladybug1984]

Tunera, honestly? I'm too embarrassed. Embarrassed that I didn't see some of this, embarrassed that I still have any feelings after all that has happened = even though I am doing everything I can to stay away and suppress any feelings. I'm honestly to embarrassed to tell somebody all of this face to face. Online? MUCH easier. I don't think I could do it in person.

[turnera]

Sure you can. Don't you know that that's what therapists are all about? They wouldn't BE therapists if they couldn't listen to your story and feel compassion for you.

[Hopeful714]

Where u been bug? Feeling better I hope.

 

I'd take the advice on the therapy. I went. It does help somewhat to talk face to face to a completely impartial person to the situation.

[Betternotbroken]

No contact is key for your recovery, healing and moving forward with your life ladybug1984. What if scenarios in the mind only play out to lead you to not looking at hard reality. Often people who have participated in an abusive relationship live on hope, hope the person will change into the illusion they have in part pretended to be and what we have imagined them to be.

 

Writing is a key component in healing, write what he does and who he is now, not who he could be if he made choices that you want him to make. Yes he did good things, make a two lists, it could come out like the list of someone I know and love so well: buys flowers, takes me out to dinner then in the other list, buys flowers after I asked him not to, hits on waitress and tells me I do not "need" desert after dinner.

 

Things have power on paper.

 

Good luck to you ladybug1984. Stay Strong.

[ladybug1984]

Hi, friends. I am still around. Still sad. And I DO keep a list and look at it DAILY of why I should maintain NC. It is sooo hard. I have not yet taken a step of going to therapy. It is just too embarrassing that I fell for some of this stuff and didn't see it when it was right in front of me. I pride myself on being an intelligent person, I am a professional, and with the exception of this, use a lot of common sense. It seems like it would make me feel even worse than I already do to tell somebody about it the whole while them thinking 'how can she be THAT stupid?" That's just kind of how I feel (( The list is helping, though.

[turnera]

ladybug, why do you think there are rows and rows and rows of self-help books? Because we are all only human and we all make those kinds of mistakes. It's called being human. And a therapist doesn't waste time making judgments about you; they're like a gynecologist - you've seen one, you've seen a thousand. They're busy figuring out a way to help you not be so unhappy, that's all. Not to mention that they become therapists in the first place because they have compassion for people who make harmful choices. They WANT to help you, ok? Please find one.

[felicity1]

Hi Ladybug,

 

Perhaps it might be helpful to ask yourself "did I deserve his abuse? Am I really that worthless to be treated like dirt?"

 

He may have been nice to you at times but that cannot negate his crimes(abuse be it physical, sexual or emotional is another form of murder).

 

In fact, abusers need to be nice at the appropriate moments(hooking) in order to keep you in the relationship. They manipulate. The abusive process is a continuous relentless alternation of hooking(gaining the other person's favour) and then "punching".

 

Lack of self-worth, denial, fear of being alone, all tie in together to keep us in abusive relationships.

 

When we are finally alone, without the distraction of our partner, we are forced to look at ourselves, to face the truth and this is difficult and painful. I think that's why so many of us still long to see our abusive partner again, we miss their distraction rather than them.

Edited February 26, 2014 by felicity1

[Zahara]

Hi, friends. I am still around. Still sad. And I DO keep a list and look at it DAILY of why I should maintain NC. It is sooo hard. I have not yet taken a step of going to therapy. It is just too embarrassing that I fell for some of this stuff and didn't see it when it was right in front of me. I pride myself on being an intelligent person, I am a professional, and with the exception of this, use a lot of common sense. It seems like it would make me feel even worse than I already do to tell somebody about it the whole while them thinking 'how can she be THAT stupid?" That's just kind of how I feel (( The list is helping, though.

 

You're not the exception, ladybug. We're human, we make bad choices. I excel in my professional life but have made bad choices in my love life.

 

There is nothing embarrasing about seeing therapist. Trust me, when I walked into my first appointment I was hesitant to tell her what I was going through. I told her that I was embarrased. She said, "I've heard it all!" They get all types of people walking in there with all sorts of issues. you're not an isolated problem. If anything, she will probably have heard even worse.

[ladybug1984]

Thanks, friends.............I am still contemplating on going............haven't ruled it out yet, especially now that I am reading some of the posts. I felt SURE that the counselor would wonder how I could have been so stupid to fall for all of this, but the more I read (this site and otherwise), they (the abuser) DOES things just like Felicity said to 'hook' us. I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY, but I have seen that in several places now that I have been doing more reading. Also, Zahara, it just blows me away that I can have it 'so together' in everything else and to have fallen for this. But again, the 'hooking'...........and I am a caring person who wants to believe everybody has pure motives, but I am learning that the world is a different place than what is in my idealistic mind (at least in terms of relationships). I have a goal of making a decision in the next 7 days about whether or not to go. I truly think it would help, IF I can just get the courage to MAKE THE APPOINTMENT AND GET MYSELF THERE. That's gonna take some serious self-talk. In the mean time, I have not contacted him. I am starting to really feel angry about some of it, which is probably what has helped me stay away. And LOL about your comparison, Tunera.....you are probably exactly right! Thank you ALL for your support and encouragement!

[felicity1]

But again, the 'hooking'...........and I am a caring person who wants to believe everybody has pure motives, but I am learning that the world is a different place than what is in my idealistic mind (at least in terms of relationships). /QUOTE]

 

...and this is the hardest part. How can we be at ease with ourselves and simultaneously distrust others? I think the only way to get around this is to work on and gradually build up our self-worth.

 

I've been working on myself for years, working on self-awareness and monitoring my reactions(emotional and physical) to other people's behaviours. If I feel uncomfortable around someone I have to remove myself from their presence and try to decipher what it was about them that bothered me-was it something they said, their body language?etc. After reflecting, I may decide that I should limit my contact with that person or perhaps not see them again. I don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore. I am learning to protect myself.

 

In childhood, when our parents/caretakers failed to protect us, then we have the extra job(on top of all our adult responsibilities) to learn how to protect ourselves-a basic instinct not just exclusive to humans. Sadly, it seems many of us have missed out on this necessary learning somewhere along the way in our upbringing.