Friend's boyfriend and I are getting a little too close maybe.....??

[Michelady]

Hi guys,

 

I'm new here

 

Just wondering if you could please give me some insight into this situation that I am in right now. Please, no rude comments. Will try to make it short without leaving anything essential out.

 

My friend and I aren't super close, but we are close enough that we would hang out once in a while during our summer break. Recently she's moved overseas to do her Master's degree, and ever since then I can't help but feel that something is a bit wrong. I didn't know her bf beforehand, and when she was still in the country, we would all hang out amongst our other friends. They've been together for a long time- talking about 7 years or so, and they are clearly meant for each other.

 

However ever since she's moved overseas, her bf and I have started chatting, and I understand that friendly small talks are fine. I would never dream of helping him cheat, nor would I in hell want to be tangled in between them- she's a friend, and I don't want to hurt her.

 

It started off in a group conversation online without his gf/my friend since we were all arranging a time to hang out, and she was overseas. He gave me his number online, and told me to txt him. I saved his number, but I didn't txt him until he persistently told me to online. He invited me to his birthday drinks a few days ago, and met his friends. I only went because I had no valid excuse to decline, and I only stayed for an hour and a half, and stayed away from alcohol.

 

Interestingly enough, we share a lot of things in common, but I have always kept a clean distance with him because he was my friend's bf. I would regularly mention her name subtly, saying that he should get residency of that country, and he'd ask "why? I don't want to move there," and I would reply to him by saying that obviously you should get it so you can be with her overseas. And he said that he had never thought of that.

 

Last night was my other friend's birthday party, and she said that I could take anyone with me since I wouldn't know many people there. My ex was there, and I found it awkward thinking that if I were alone I'd have to hang with them since they were the only ones I knew. So I sent a text to pretty much all of my potential friends who could have been keen to attend, including my overseas friend's bf. All of them couldn't make it apart from him. So I said that it was fine if he wasn't keen to go because he didn't actually know the birthday girl well, but he said he was keen as, and asked me to pick him up since he literally lives only 5 mins away. So we went to the party together, and hung out with our university colleagues, and one nosey guy kept on asking me why I took this guy with me to the party. So I briefly explained that nobody else could make it apart from him so he came. Before going to the party, my ex was chatting with me through a messaging app, and I said to him that I'd see him at the party, (aka, don't want to talk now.) And at the party, I was expecting the lot of us to hang like we used to since my ex and I were tight before things escalated. Instead he ignored me when he saw that my friend's bf was with me. Which was completely fine, but I thought it was slightly contradicting to how he was talking in the text.

 

I am slightly concerned that maybe people will talk to my friend overseas telling her what has happened, and I really don't want her to get the wrong idea. Her bf wants to go on a day trip and hang, told me to invite ppl, and he would invite his mates that I met at his drinks the other evening.

 

I'm not sure if I should decline and stay away from him? Or tell my friend overseas about what has been happening to make sure that it's all good? What should I do??

 

Thanks in advance.

[d0nnivain]

At this point all you did was go to a party with the guy. As long as that's all you did & you both tell her about the party, it should be fine.

 

 

If it gets to a point where you think you would like to do anything more than talk & possibly hang out platonically once in a while, it's no big deal. I used to go to football games with one of my friend's BFs because I liked football & she didn't. Sometimes we'd share a blanket to keep warm but that is as physical as it got.

Edited January 21, 2014 by d0nnivain

[MissBee]

You already know it's too close for comfort...you know this, if you didn't you wouldn't have thought to post about it.

 

It is very suspicious that he gave you his number and kept insisting you text him....didn't you find that strange? What if your bf was doing that?

 

I am sure he probably hasn't even told his gf about this. You can be honest with her if you feel that helps and along with that I would refrain from texting him or inviting him out and going out together. If you are in a group with other people, fine, but don't just go with him and don't provide space for it to become more or for people to talk. Are you attracted to him? Is he to you?

 

For me: I do not maintain any kind of buddy-buddy relationship with my friends' boyfriends, unless I knew their bf before and we were all friends and even so, I don't text them unless I am asking a specific question and all our interactions are transparent to my friend. However, the standard for me is: I only hang out with my friends' bfs if the friend is around and I have never engaged in any kind of texting casual conversation with them, we speak when I see them and it's friendly but not just casual back and forth texting esp if my friend is in another country. Nope. It looks bad and it can get you in trouble and this is how things go from innocent to cheating in a flash.

[whichwayisup]

I would never dream of helping him cheat, nor would I in hell want to be tangled in between them- she's a friend, and I don't want to hurt her.

 

Then don't hang out with him at all. Your friend won't understand why you brought her boyfriend to that party, even more so since he didn't know too many people there and really you just didn't want to go alone because your ex would be there too. Can I ask if that had something to do with it? Ex factor..

I am slightly concerned that maybe people will talk to my friend overseas telling her what has happened, and I really don't want her to get the wrong idea.

 

Down play this when you talk to her like it was no big deal. If you call her and tell her about this it will make her suspicious and wonder what is really happening.

Edited January 21, 2014 by whichwayisup