Author Gunthar Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 Well, I think AP is somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. She's pissed she trusted me and still not letting go. I'm pissed I broke her trust and put her at risk. I didn't mean to. I just took a gamble that I thought I could control and it ruined it Although, the only thing W knows is only that I tried to kiss AP when at bffs house, when I had told W I was somewhere else, and AP pushed me away. I was the bad boy trying to get back at W. And W only knows this because she was told it. AP was herself with me. I know this. I think its more likely the case that I was at the top of pile, part of a saga of increasingly risky relationships. I just caused her to pause for a while. She is empty and needs someone I get it. She should be picking me. How am I going to find some omw who wants to be w someone but not leave he H/family?? Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 How am I going to find some omw who wants to be w someone but not leave he H/family?? Not sure how to do the above. But, I would encourage you to either work on mending your M or to D your W and then find someone who is single. As to whether an A that is broken off can ever resume I did resume such an A but we had been together for two years before our breakup. We went NC although he contacted me every two or three years. During this time I gave him no encouragement. After 13 years I contacted him and we resumed our A. Again, though, imho you'd be best off to fix your M or D your W. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gunthar Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Not sure how to do the above. But, I would encourage you to either work on mending your M or to D your W and then find someone who is single. As to whether an A that is broken off can ever resume I did resume such an A but we had been together for two years before our breakup. We went NC although he contacted me every two or three years. During this time I gave him no encouragement. After 13 years I contacted him and we resumed our A. Again, though, imho you'd be best off to fix your M or D your W. Ahhhh, hindsight for the hard-headed (and/or willfully blind, perhaps)... (thank you for your thoughts, S) I think I'm too convinced, because of the "undone' factor of it all and the clarity of our original intent, each for the other. It was (is) a solemn honor among thieves sort of agreement, in it's own warped way, a contract that I unintentionally broke. But, it's 'over' (a word misapplied here I believe) because she got shell-shocked/scared, by my insecurity in my own weak moment that compromised us, and she just had to jettison. That is the truth about the A and Dday, and something very very real for her, even though I see a path back that doesn't equal being 'under ground'. But it was always a risk (she was 'so careful' she said to me after). And now that fear is just holding her heart ransom. It forced her down a path, she didn't want to go, but had to. And as a results she has to come to all of the conclusions she has "reached" (it's 'over', militant NC, all of the moralizing now, unhealthy, I have been a bad person, etc.). She stood a lot to loose and has a very public image in her career, that requires she have a fairly squeaky-clean reputation in the major city we live in. She took a chance on me, and I blew it. I just want to make it up to her (which means for now that I respect her NC wishes, etc.), but I wait because I know neither of our 'stripes' are changing any time soon. What do I want, right? I have to keep it special, or I'll never find out. I'm not a fatalist. I don't for a second believe she didn't genuinely want me in her life long term (albeit on-again off-again). I'll label this as the 'off again' period. I swear, I will go insane. I get home from my work trip and W is ALL over me, like naughtier with me than ever, like the days she was going to her OM house when I was away (really sexually charged toward me, while seeing him). But she says she honestly was looking forward to me coming home, just ovulating. Could be true. But I can't tell anymore... Edited February 7, 2014 by Gunthar Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Ahhhh, hindsight for the hard-headed (and/or willfully blind, perhaps)... (thank you for your thoughts, S) Not sure what you mean about hindsight for the hardheaded? What do I want, right? Sounds to me as if you know what you want. I have to keep it special, or I'll never find out. What do you mean "keep it special?" I'm not a fatalist. I don't for a second believe she didn't genuinely want me in her life long term (albeit on-again off-again). I'll label this as the 'off again' period. From what you've written it does seem that she wanted you in her life but got scared of discovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gunthar Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Sorry, S. I was imagining that your suggestions came from your own hindsight of your experience, and I'm just recognizing my hardheadedness, ignoring what 3 years ago I would have regarded as sound advice for someone in this position. By 'Keep it special', I mean, believe the best of the situation re: my AP. That there is a future at some point (not a married future, just the one we were trying to craft). The majority of all A's is couched in some form of the notion that all, most, or more of my dreams for my life can be realized with the AP in one's life. Yes, she is my first, and my only (maybe last). I'm not a cheater, and not going to be a 'serial' guy. I'm empty, and saying she is the one (still). Maybe that makes me a cheater now. idk. I'll take that label. Big deal. I can't believe anything my W says anymore, but I try to. G Edited February 7, 2014 by Gunthar Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Sorry, S. I was imagining that your suggestions came from your own hindsight of your experience,Oh. For me, my conscience bothered me so I broke the affair off and believe it or not, never had a moment's discomfort. My feelings and desires dissipated the moment I did it and I was free......for thirteen years. and I'm just recognizing my hardheadedness, ignoring what 3 years ago I would have regarded as sound advice for someone in this position. I see. By 'Keep it special', I mean, believe the best of the situation re: my AP. That there is a future at some point (not a married future, just the one we were trying to craft). The majority of all A's is couched in some form of the notion that all, most, or more of my dreams for my life can be realized with the AP in one's life. Yes, she is my first, and my only (maybe last). I'm not a cheater, and not going to be a 'serial' guy. I'm empty, and saying she is the one (still). Maybe that makes me a cheater now. idk. I'll take that label. Big deal. I can't believe anything my W says anymore, but I try to. G Gunthar, having an A isn't something to be sought after. There's a lot of guilt involved that is very draining. And you can't be with the person you love very often, relatively speaking. It just seems as if in your case it would be so much better to get out of your M and allow your children to see a functional way of handling a M gone bad. Then you could find someone to have an R with and not have to sneak around with her. It'd be a better example for your children. It's not as if you have the burden of needing to break up with someone and are agonizing over how and when to do it. You're already broken up so the hard part is over! Link to post Share on other sites
clairbear Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Gunther I was single OW he was/MM one thing that he always said to me was 'you give me nothing' meaning that whilst he was always very open about his feelings for me and his situation I rarely gave him the same back, I rarely initiated contact and didn't overly share much. My reason for this was because he had a family and life that I wasn't part of and something in me told me to protect myself and keep my guard up on some level, this was my way of trying to avoid getting hurt, didn't mean I didn't feel it th because I did, very deeply, my feelings for him are still strong, I refuse to show it Not sure if this applies to your situation... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gunthar Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Gunther I was single OW he was/MM one thing that he always said to me was 'you give me nothing' meaning that whilst he was always very open about his feelings for me and his situation I rarely gave him the same back, I rarely initiated contact and didn't overly share much. My reason for this was because he had a family and life that I wasn't part of and something in me told me to protect myself and keep my guard up on some level, this was my way of trying to avoid getting hurt, didn't mean I didn't feel it th because I did, very deeply, my feelings for him are still strong, I refuse to show it Not sure if this applies to your situation... Thank you so much clairbear, for your reply in this regard. It's tough for anyone here to say of course what my AP's reason was for being distant, but hearing your sentiments as what is 'possible' or 'likely' helps me sort out events (in my favor) on days like today. She's VERY sensitive and tells me how she just wants peace and doesn't want to hurt anyone. ...in the school pickup line this afternoon; gets her car pool group loaded and is talking back and forth with them as she's exiting the parking lot, but still manages to turn away from them and look over at me as she was mid-conversation, turning out of the parking lot, passing right by me (I was waiting in line in opposite traffic). It's just typical though, now. I know she's conflicted; even her Pinterest page is littered with relationship quotes for each of the times I broke NC (text), like... about how 'Intelligent people ignore' (me), and yet she doesn't ignore. We're on each others RADAR at any event, where we might run in to each other. Our kids will be at the same middle school too, and high school... We're connected. We both have big hearts. We want more. We're done only because she judged that we had to be. If I'm betting, I bet she is on your side of the fence; didn't want to get hurt but cares a ton. But, I could just be projecting... I never called her on this, when we were spending time together. I ignored it. Didn't even recognize it during our time, actually. I was more than willing to take her however she'd come, so it's my fault in some regard (I never asked, right?). But, when we met a few months ago for a "debrief" that I requested, I did suggest that things went the way they did in part because 'communication sucked'. She wouldn't engage me on any observation I made at the debrief though. In looking back, it seems like her holding back was maybe really only a small influencer, but there were things I didn't know then, that I know now, that would have totally helped avert our premature 'partial' dday, I believe. Thanks again. Means a lot to hear these bits and pieces, even if they are from incredibly different stories. G Edited February 11, 2014 by Gunthar Link to post Share on other sites
clairbear Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I would probably bet the same Gunther. I know that holding back for me is a self preservation thing. It actually reflects how deep my feelings are for this person because if I didn't give a crap about him I would reach out more often and wouldn't be so guarded with my heart. I feel an intense connection with this person but you would never know it from my behaviour! Probably not very healthy when I think about it! Keep us posted anyway and good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gunthar Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) Gunthar, having an A isn't something to be sought after. There's a lot of guilt involved that is very draining. And you can't be with the person you love very often, relatively speaking. It just seems as if in your case it would be so much better to get out of your M and allow your children to see a functional way of handling a M gone bad. Then you could find someone to have an R with and not have to sneak around with her. It'd be a better example for your children. It's not as if you have the burden of needing to break up with someone and are agonizing over how and when to do it. You're already broken up so the hard part is over! I guess if I identified more with your assessment I would tend to agree. Guilt? Have you read my story? Maybe for AP there would be, and that's certainly something I should keep in mind, but she doesn't have it in her. I think the fallacy that's clearly inherent in all of our stories is that one person can meet all of our needs, when we're really just setting ourselves up for disappointment, obviously. Yes, I gave my solemn word to my W. Yes, I accepted that there were things that W would just never give me. I lived it for 17 years. But then, her wonton disrespect emerged (out of her imagination that I was somehow doing something behind her back when I traveled, when it was NEVER even close to the case - there was nothing to even suggest it) and then followed by her grossly reckless sexual betrayals, trying to manipulate me into a divorce. i.e. there's not a whole lot of guilt for me and any A I might have, or hold on to, now, if you can't tell from my story. Kids see us as affectionate and productive/healthy, supporting them and each other; we argue about things that matter when it comes up. We are intimate regularly; probably sexually overcharged. She says she's super happy with us now, but I heard that before and mid all of her escapades/encounters. So, who the f knows?? She has no character, I know that, and may never. For THAT reason, I fear for my two girls. Yes, I am harboring something very important to me while my M limps along, waiting on my AP for something I know ended before its time. Does that take away anything from my M? wtf does it matter any more? She (W) still tries to play with fire with single friends she goes out with, but doesn't jump in the flame like she has from what I can tell. I don't know if she's cheating when I go out of town. Just not giving my kids a broken home. Not if I have anything to say about it. Edited February 13, 2014 by Gunthar Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Moderation sincerely hopes the off-topic diatribe has concluded. Members who have been in affairs and subsequently resumed them are welcomed to add their topical comments. Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clairbear Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Which bit was off topic? Did I do something wrong!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gunthar Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) No. Not you, silly. . There was something that needed to be removed, and the moderators removed it, I believe. I think they're just trying to keep this thread focused on my original request/topic. Onward... Edited February 13, 2014 by Gunthar Link to post Share on other sites
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