Sit and Wait or take action

[Iluv]

Need advice:

 

My H and i have been separated and i'm wanting to try and fix some of our problems. He says he doesn't want to but he's willing to go to counseling because it's something i've been asking for. He's been saying he'll go but says that's he's just doing it so we can "mark it off the list" and say that we did everything we can. We haven't even gone to counseling and i already feel like it won't work. There is no infidelity, no abuse of any kind, just really bad communication skills and problem solving skills (which i'm hoping counseling can help us with -- if not myself so i can communicate with him better) but he said he's filing for the divorce within' a week or two. (He's told me he would file for the divorce months ago and i thought he did but he hasn't, When i asked him before he'd be really sarcastic and tell me he'd file for the divorce "tomorrow" and i'd wait but nothing happened. he won't give me his lawyers name, just says he's going to put a deposit down next weekend and to get the papers ready)

 

Should i move back home with him for a couple of months and take him up on his offer for counseling (i can also get the rest of my things) or do i just call it quits and just wait for the divorce papers???

 

advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[KathyM]

I would suggest you take him up on the offer of pursuing counseling, and tell him you would like him to make his best effort in counseling without the threat of divorce, and you will do the same. If you're going to do counseling, then give it a good effort, and stick with it long enough for it to make a difference. You can learn better communication skills and conflict resolution skills through counseling, so please give it a good try before giving up on your marriage.

[Iluv]

I would suggest you take him up on the offer of pursuing counseling, and tell him you would like him to make his best effort in counseling without the threat of divorce, and you will do the same. If you're going to do counseling, then give it a good effort, and stick with it long enough for it to make a difference. You can learn better communication skills and conflict resolution skills through counseling, so please give it a good try before giving up on your marriage.

 

Thank you so much for your suggestion.

 

He says he'd just "go with the motion" if we were to go to counseling.

 

I don't want to give up. But all the negative talk (filing for D, ok we'll go to counseling but i won't be into it) just leaves feeling hopeless. I've read that couples counseling won't work if only one person is willing to go and i've also read the complete opposite, where it says: if only one person goes, it can work because your partner might see the positive changes and have a change or heart. I'm so confused.

[KathyM]

Thank you so much for your suggestion.

 

He says he'd just "go with the motion" if we were to go to counseling.

 

I don't want to give up. But all the negative talk (filing for D, ok we'll go to counseling but i won't be into it) just leaves feeling hopeless. I've read that couples counseling won't work if only one person is willing to go and i've also read the complete opposite, where it says: if only one person goes, it can work because your partner might see the positive changes and have a change or heart. I'm so confused.

Oftentimes, changes in one partner can bring about change in the other partner. I am counseling some individuals currently where only one partner is coming to counseling, and I do believe it is having a positive effect on the relationship. Ideally, both of you will be making an effort, but all you can do is your part and hope that when he sees how much effort you are making, he will be motivated to try as well. Good luck.

[Iluv]

Is there a difference between marriage counselors, mediators/ relationship coaches. If my h and I are going to do this I want to go to the right person!

[winston36]

DEFINITELY take the counseling option if he is consenting to going, even if it is with a bad attitude or kicking in screaming. Everything else he is saying is kind of rash, unrealistic, and a little all-over-the-place. For now, he seems like he's just making idle threats to leave w/ no plans of doing it, but I don't know how consistent that is with the rest of his personality. Like you, no infidelity, abuse, etc, in my relationship either, which made me all the more scared/shocked with how sudden and urgent my wife felt she had to leave. How can one make his/her mind up, being unwilling to try and work on anything, when they haven't even tried once? How can you ever get closure if you're him? IDK, it just blows my mind how people walk away, or even threaten to without even talking about what to do to repair. I think your husband isn't a walk-away as of this minute, and no matter what, none of this is happening as quick as he is claiming he wants it to, so take some comfort in that. You did what so few people do which is seek out help and advice from people who know this experience right away, and that will benefit you greatly. Most people like me end up here when it's probably too late.

[Iluv]

DEFINITELY take the counseling option if he is consenting to going, even if it is with a bad attitude or kicking in screaming. Everything else he is saying is kind of rash, unrealistic, and a little all-over-the-place. For now, he seems like he's just making idle threats to leave w/ no plans of doing it, but I don't know how consistent that is with the rest of his personality. Like you, no infidelity, abuse, etc, in my relationship either, which made me all the more scared/shocked with how sudden and urgent my wife felt she had to leave. How can one make his/her mind up, being unwilling to try and work on anything, when they haven't even tried once? How can you ever get closure if you're him? IDK, it just blows my mind how people walk away, or even threaten to without even talking about what to do to repair. I think your husband isn't a walk-away as of this minute, and no matter what, none of this is happening as quick as he is claiming he wants it to, so take some comfort in that. You did what so few people do which is seek out help and advice from people who know this experience right away, and that will benefit you greatly. Most people like me end up here when it's probably too late.

 

He said he'd just use the counselor to convince me to get a divorce, and that's not what i want a counselor for. I want him to give us skills to help us solve our difference but i fear he'd just use him against me. Another reason why i'm apprehensive about going to a counselor. Do they really do that??

 

We have been separated for over 6 months now (is it too late to go to counseling if we've been separated for this long?). He's wanted this D since i left but hasn't done anything about it. He's told me that he plans on filing the D "tomorrow and end of the year" (this was july of 2013). I waited. nothing Happened. there as even a moment where he asked me if i had filed. I don't want to file it because this is not what i want. I don't want a divorce. For 6 months he's never told me anything about the divorce and i never fought him on it. Now that I'm saying that i want to go back home he's telling me that I CAN return home(he says i've always had this option but i don't think i did) , and we CAN go to counseling(but he's just "going with the motions") -- BUT all my things are packed, and he's planning to file for divorce this weekend or the weekend after i get there. All these sudden changes happened within' 3 weeks. A month ago he was willing to take a vacation here to see if we can make it work (he was up and down about a vacation too! Yes, ok i'll visit & see where it goes,And he also offered to see a counselor while he was here then... No.. i shouldn't go there it wouldn't be right because of what's happened.) crazy how that quickly changed from vacation to a divorce again. Idk if that helps paint his personality regarding this recent D talk. Tbh, i'm scared/shocked/helpless.

 

Do you think counseling might still benefit us if we've been separated for over 5 months??

[KathyM]

Do the counseling. A counselor will help you both to come to an agreement on what the goals are for counseling, whether that be better communication or whathaveyou. A counselor will encourage you to have patience in talking through what you both want, and help both of you to express your concerns and feelings in a safe place. I do know couples who got back together after a long separation. I even know a couple who got remarried after being divorced for two years. There is still hope. Just go through the counseling and make your best effort, and hopefully your husband will follow your example.

[MsOptimist]

Be prepared for your husband to potentially throw you under the bus in therapy if he's truly done and hell bent on a D. My exH did that to me.

 

He only agreed to attend to "make things easier for me" and had no intentions of giving any effort in therapy. The entire first session he spent blaming me more than he was already blaming me.

 

The therapist asked us each to write a letter to each other reflecting on the span of our relationship. The intentions were to see more clearly where everything went wrong.

 

My exH did write a letter and he emailed it to me. Heaps of even more blame and rewriting marital history.

 

He only used therapy as a means to further push me away.

[Yasuandio]

Why bother to put yourself in more pain. Go NC, and file for Divorce as Pititioner - this will give you a slight upper hand strategically.

 

Forget about your ego - "that you don't want to file cause you don't want the divorce.". Than is not smart. The smart thing to do is to beat him to the Court house in filing the papers, period. It is just papers - means nothing, until it is before a Judge. You can always pull out or stall. Get proactive, and turn the tables on him - then you are in control.

 

The pity party just feeds his stupid bravado. Sounds like a big heartless creep anyway. Screw the counciling. Do you need couciling to make you understand he doesn't want you, and has insulting comments and complaints about you, and no intention to make jack shyt effort to reconcile differences between you all? Of course not.

 

Get all the money and finances together while he's sitting on his fat a$$ during the best of football season, sucking back his beers, and have your attorney file, and set up emergency temporary support hearing if you need financial assistance. He can also be put outta that house, once you put yourself back in there. Wise up honey. Don't let him wipe his feet on you like a doormat.

 

Proactive! Keep it to yourself too. Yas

[KathyM]

If your goal is to save the marriage, then don't file the papers. That only puts the animosity in your face and his, and will make reconciliation much less likely.

[Yarrow]

He's already gone.

 

Find yourself an individual counselor, call your lawyer, get your papers ready, file, and prepare for the storm. He thinks you're too weak and scared to do anything on your own. When the divorce is filed and s**t gets real, he's going to be mad. Because you aren't behaving like the doormat he was counting on. Mark my words. He says he doesn't want to work on fixing things and he wants the marriage counselor to convince you the marriage is dead and he's going to file next week, but he likes the way things are right now too much to do anything about it. You taking some control of things, he's not going to like it.

[winston36]

He said he'd just use the counselor to convince me to get a divorce, and that's not what i want a counselor for. I want him to give us skills to help us solve our difference but i fear he'd just use him against me. Another reason why i'm apprehensive about going to a counselor. Do they really do that??

 

We have been separated for over 6 months now (is it too late to go to counseling if we've been separated for this long?). He's wanted this D since i left but hasn't done anything about it. He's told me that he plans on filing the D "tomorrow and end of the year" (this was july of 2013). I waited. nothing Happened. there as even a moment where he asked me if i had filed. I don't want to file it because this is not what i want. I don't want a divorce. For 6 months he's never told me anything about the divorce and i never fought him on it. Now that I'm saying that i want to go back home he's telling me that I CAN return home(he says i've always had this option but i don't think i did) , and we CAN go to counseling(but he's just "going with the motions") -- BUT all my things are packed, and he's planning to file for divorce this weekend or the weekend after i get there. All these sudden changes happened within' 3 weeks. A month ago he was willing to take a vacation here to see if we can make it work (he was up and down about a vacation too! Yes, ok i'll visit & see where it goes,And he also offered to see a counselor while he was here then... No.. i shouldn't go there it wouldn't be right because of what's happened.) crazy how that quickly changed from vacation to a divorce again. Idk if that helps paint his personality regarding this recent D talk. Tbh, i'm scared/shocked/helpless.

 

Do you think counseling might still benefit us if we've been separated for over 5 months??

 

I still say yes to the counseling question, but I perhaps would try to understand what's happening with him saying the divorce is imminently going to be filed...yet it never happens. I'm going through that as well--I've even signed an entry of appearance for my wife's petition two weeks ago at her attorney's office just to save the trouble of dealing with being served, etc. They printed a copy of it and I signed it there where the paralegal notarized it. Funny thing though--15 days later (today) as I'm preparing to file my answer to it this week, I've noticed that it hasn't been filed yet at all? So bizarre. I'd like to think she told him to hold off for now, but I'm scared to call and find out. The guessing game is frustrating.

My point is follow a lot of the guidelines you're reading, but use them as a foundation. Adjust things at that point based on your unique situation....no two people, or relationships, are the same. Trust your heart.

[Iluv]

I still say yes to the counseling question, but I perhaps would try to understand what's happening with him saying the divorce is imminently going to be filed...yet it never happens.

 

I'm trying to understand him and figure out what's going on but i can't figure quite figure it out. Any suggestions from a male point if view?? Why would my H react that way after giving him what he wanted (to leave)?? It would be nice to hear the possibilities of why he is acting that way before I get there so maybe it could help me interact with him better.

 

 

I'm going through that as well--I've even signed an entry of appearance for my wife's petition two weeks ago at her attorney's office just to save the trouble of dealing with being served, etc. They printed a copy of it and I signed it there where the paralegal notarized it. Funny thing though--15 days later (today) as I'm preparing to file my answer to it this week, I've noticed that it hasn't been filed yet at all? So bizarre. I'd like to think she told him to hold off for now, but I'm scared to call and find out. The

guessing game is frustrating.My point is follow a lot of the guidelines you're reading, but use them as a foundation. Adjust things at that point based on your unique situation....no two people, or relationships, are the same. Trust your heart.

 

Yeah, i'm the same way. For months i'd just sit and wait and try to figure out what he's doing. I never called my H for months because i just didn't know what to say that could possibly help him change his mind about it and i was afraid if i did say something it'll just provoke him more. What's the difference between entry of appearance and having to file an answer? what's the answer for, if the divorce hasn't been filed?? sorry i'm not too familiar with the D proceedings.

I've finalized my travel plans today and going back in less than a week. My Heart says "don't give up"

Edited January 22, 2014 by Iluv

[Iluv]

Be prepared for your husband to potentially throw you under the bus in therapy if he's truly done and hell bent on a D. My exH did that to me.

 

He only agreed to attend to "make things easier for me" and had no intentions of giving any effort in therapy. The entire first session he spent blaming me more than he was already blaming me.

 

The therapist asked us each to write a letter to each other reflecting on the span of our relationship. The intentions were to see more clearly where everything went wrong.

 

My exH did write a letter and he emailed it to me. Heaps of even more blame and rewriting marital history.

 

He only used therapy as a means to further push me away.

 

You're counselor allowed the blame during the first session? I spoke to a potential counselor and he said he would be for that. Why didn't you guys seek out a different counselor? How long did you guys go to counseling?

[Iluv]

So i took the leap of faith and moved back for a few to see if things between my H and i could be resolved.

 

First couple of days were good. He wasn't as "upset" as he was on the phone. I assume it was the distance that was fueling his anger. He has initiated a lot of our little convos since i've been back. He used to tell me that he'd just "avoid" me when i'm here but he hasn't. When he gets home he asks me how my day was, asks what i did, etc. We sleep in separate rooms right now but i don't mind. I've been away for awhile so i don't want to push it. I cook dinner for us and try to make it as positive as it can be. He has told me before that he would file for the divorce a week after i got back but he hasn't filed it

 

Yesterday we went out to get some things for the house and went to stop by the bookstore. I thought things were going good until we got home and we got into a conversation about our current situation. I told him how i wanted to try and work things out with him but he didnt' want to then told me he'd file for the D early next month. So if i wanted to go to counseling i better "get on it". He has been moving this D filing thing over and over. Why is he doing this?? First he told me it was financial things but it isn't -- i came home and saw he had enough money to file for the divorce. Money is not an issue. Time -- he has had plenty of time to file. He's had vacation time, breaks, etc. When things were good the first couple of days he didn't mention anything about a divorce but once things gets "uncomfortable" where we talk about what happened he jumps at the opportunity to threaten me with divorce. (I'm filing the week after you get here….. now….i'm filing early next month)

 

He said he'd still go to counseling but he'd be resistant to the ideas the counselor gives us. Do we still try it?

 

My IC and my close friends believe my husband is giving me mixed msgs.

 

This morning he's back to normal. When i started to pack the rest of my things (While separated he said he had packed all of my things, when i got home a lot of my things have not been packed.) He continuously asked me what I was doing (it wasn't hard to figure out what i was doing) and when i said "i was packing because it's what he wants" he tells me.. "if you say so.." and when he sees that I'm getting rid of some things (donating because it would be less expensive to ship) he tells me "i don't understand why you act this way?"

 

When we argue i feel like he says things he really doesn't mean just to be hurtful. I know he's angry at the situation but doesn't want to understand how things happened. He's stubborn.

 

I know things will not be fixed overnight and i should be patient. I don't want to file, i'm still hoping my marriage can be saved.

 

Other than the 180, Any suggestions on how to have more positive interactions with my H? or "rules" on moving back home to try and reconcile? (not sleeping in the same room) I just want more positive vibes vs negative ones.

[Yasuandio]

He wants divorce, continue as you are doing. Let him see how life is without you.

 

When people talk divorce, especially in your husband's case, they can ioften be on the fence - and confused. Filing for the divorce is the responsible thing to do if that is what he says he says he wants - or if you are being threatened with it. It is just a legal paperwork process of dividing assets, that's all. People do it all the time. Take that attitude, and leave.

 

Here is the important aspect - the Emotional divorce. That is why he is confused, and that is why you are hurting also when he gives you mixed signals. Stating he wants a divorce, orcacting "ify" about divorce is reason enough for you to take control and file. Don't wait around for him and "hope." legal divorce can be stopped at anytime.

 

You need to demonstrate that you're not planning to be his whipping boy. Pack yyour stuff and get out.

 

As far as MC, he already stars he is less than interested, and won't commit himsself to the profess. Ok - drop it.

 

I am using Homer McDonald technique in your situation. You can hear and read some free material at the link on my signature line. I think that this attitude will help you - and you're kind of pulling it off on your own anyway. Seriously, check out Homer. I bet he gets a big wake up call. And act HAPPY about you new life.

 

I actually had an opportunity to talk to Home on the phone. He is a salty character, he swears more than I do! He tol me, in my particular situation, to go through with the divorce happily (really no choice). He said, "Single women are smart women, married women are married to the boss!". Couldn't have been more true in my case.

 

The key is to become happy on your own. That is it. Find the good in being away from this man - at least in the short, then work on the long term. You will have freedom. That is the best return from divorce. And really, How can you ever trust that he wont get on this moody divorce train again? Once that word is on the table, it sort of screws everything. Hope this helps, Yas

[MsOptimist]

He's playing games with you and that's cruel. You don't deserve that.

 

Take a look at the Passive Aggressive thread and see if you relate to the 2 articles that are linked. He sounds highly passive aggressive to me and it's pretty useless to try to reason with him. He may very well be confused in what he wants, but don't tolerate him pulling and pushing you into thinking there may be a tiny thread of hope.

 

Go ahead and book a counseling session - whatever he says in that first session will likely give you a clearer idea where he stands. When I went to counseling with my then H he completely railroaded me for the entire session. His goal was to make certain that the therapist saw that there was no other option than a divorce. The amount of hate and blame he heaped on me made it clearer for me to see that I didn't want to be married to someone who could twist everything around like that.

 

I agree with Yas in that the best thing for you to do is get your stuff and get out. Even if the D gets filed, you can always turn back if he suddenly wakes up. My exH also stalled on filing - that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to work on the marriage.

[JANIE2406]

I went through the same situation five months ago. I asked my H to go to counseling and he said no. I tried to reason with him before I moved out of his house to no avail. He said we should file for divorce, but never mentioned again. I moved out. He was trying to have sex with me everytime we met. I gave in once and he did not call me the whole week after. I filed for divorce yesterday. You should let go and see what happens. Stop asking him about divorce and take charge of the situation. Tell him if he does not file, you will. This will either make him happy or make him think about his attitude. Good luck. I know it is hard, but you are going to be okay.

[Iluv]

He wants divorce, continue as you are doing. Let him see how life is without you.

 

When people talk divorce, especially in your husband's case, they can ioften be on the fence - and confused. Filing for the divorce is the responsible thing to do if that is what he says he says he wants - or if you are being threatened with it. It is just a legal paperwork process of dividing assets, that's all. People do it all the time. Take that attitude, and leave.

 

Here is the important aspect - the Emotional divorce. That is why he is confused, and that is why you are hurting also when he gives you mixed signals. Stating he wants a divorce, orcacting "ify" about divorce is reason enough for you to take control and file. Don't wait around for him and "hope." legal divorce can be stopped at anytime.

 

You need to demonstrate that you're not planning to be his whipping boy. Pack yyour stuff and get out.

 

As far as MC, he already stars he is less than interested, and won't commit himsself to the profess. Ok - drop it.

 

I am using Homer McDonald technique in your situation. You can hear and read some free material at the link on my signature line. I think that this attitude will help you - and you're kind of pulling it off on your own anyway. Seriously, check out Homer. I bet he gets a big wake up call. And act HAPPY about you new life.

 

I actually had an opportunity to talk to Home on the phone. He is a salty character, he swears more than I do! He tol me, in my particular situation, to go through with the divorce happily (really no choice). He said, "Single women are smart women, married women are married to the boss!". Couldn't have been more true in my case.

 

The key is to become happy on your own. That is it. Find the good in being away from this man - at least in the short, then work on the long term. You will have freedom. That is the best return from divorce. And really, How can you ever trust that he wont get on this moody divorce train again? Once that word is on the table, it sort of screws everything. Hope this helps, Yas

 

I'm slowly coming to that point -- to just go ahead and file for the divorce. Im still packing my things.. i try not to wear my emotion on my sleeve but sometimes it's hard to just be "happy" about the situation. Yesterday he came up to me and asked "what's wrong?" Really? *sigh* I just shrugged and walked away. I can't stop being "sad" around him.. as much as i want to portray this "i'm great!" attitude.. it's not that easy.

[Iluv]

He's playing games with you and that's cruel. You don't deserve that.

 

Take a look at the Passive Aggressive thread and see if you relate to the 2 articles that are linked. He sounds highly passive aggressive to me and it's pretty useless to try to reason with him. He may very well be confused in what he wants, but don't tolerate him pulling and pushing you into thinking there may be a tiny thread of hope.

 

Go ahead and book a counseling session - whatever he says in that first session will likely give you a clearer idea where he stands. When I went to counseling with my then H he completely railroaded me for the entire session. His goal was to make certain that the therapist saw that there was no other option than a divorce. The amount of hate and blame he heaped on me made it clearer for me to see that I didn't want to be married to someone who could twist everything around like that.

 

I agree with Yas in that the best thing for you to do is get your stuff and get out. Even if the D gets filed, you can always turn back if he suddenly wakes up. My exH also stalled on filing - that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to work on the marriage.

 

My first IC told me that he was passive aggressive. He doesn't want to believe he is.

 

i'm going to a C tomorrow but he can't make it because of his work/school schedule. i'll have to talk to C and see where he can put us in .. and then i'll present it to him and see if he wants to go. I've given myself till the middle of march to get my things ready to go.

 

Why didn't you and ur H try a different counselor? What pushed ur exH to push after stalling? did u tell him to do it?

[Iluv]

I went through the same situation five months ago. I asked my H to go to counseling and he said no. I tried to reason with him before I moved out of his house to no avail. He said we should file for divorce, but never mentioned again. I moved out. He was trying to have sex with me everytime we met. I gave in once and he did not call me the whole week after. I filed for divorce yesterday. You should let go and see what happens. Stop asking him about divorce and take charge of the situation. Tell him if he does not file, you will. This will either make him happy or make him think about his attitude. Good luck. I know it is hard, but you are going to be okay.

 

I admire your strength for filing for the divorce. i'm getting there! I seriously think it would make him happy to file for divorce… this will be his second divorce and he seems like he knows what's up. Then again.. if he makes him happy -- why hasn't he done it. He's all about "finding happiness"

 

I'm almost done packing my things and once i get home i'll get on that divorce and file myself if he hasn't done it yet.

[MsOptimist]

My first IC told me that he was passive aggressive. He doesn't want to believe he is.

 

i'm going to a C tomorrow but he can't make it because of his work/school schedule. i'll have to talk to C and see where he can put us in .. and then i'll present it to him and see if he wants to go. I've given myself till the middle of march to get my things ready to go.

 

Why didn't you and ur H try a different counselor? What pushed ur exH to push after stalling? did u tell him to do it?

 

The counselor that we saw I had known for a few years because I had been doing some family counseling with my mom with that counselor. I felt like he knew me and my family history well, and given that he's also a marital counselor, I felt very comfortable talking to him. After my exH dropped the bomb on me about not being happy and wanting a divorce I began seeing the counselor on my own.

 

I felt no need to get a new counselor because my exH was not going to put in any effort to revive the marriage. He point blank told me that seeing a counselor would only be to "help me get through this process, not to work on saving the marriage." Gee, thanks but no thanks.

 

My exH stalled in filing the paperwork because he was having doubts. He was still completely disrespecting me though - going on dates, on every dating and casual sex site. He was not truly interested in working things out with me, he was more interested in seeing what else he could find while keeping me on a hook.

 

I moved out quickly and it wasn't until a good 2 months later that he tried crawling back. The way he treated me and disrespected me and our marriage was a deal breaker. He even admitted at one point to not knowing what he wanted and wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

 

I'm not about to be 2nd choice or wait for him to decide whatever he wants. I woke up and realized that I deserved a hell of a lot better. Who's to say he wouldn't do it all again 2 years later had I chosen to go back to him. No thanks, it actually turned out that the best and healthiest thing for me was to end my marriage. I didn't see that before, but I see it now that I am away from the situation.

 

He ended up filing a day after we got into an email argument that started with him professing his love to me again trying to win me back. It got heated when I brought up the fact that I knew about his dating, etc. When I rejected him again is when he finally filed. He still tried crawling back again after the paperwork was filed, but there was still evidence of his dating that made it clear that he still didn't know what he wanted.

 

I simply chose to remove myself from that toxic relationship and let the proceedings happen.

[Tripz]

MsOptimist, I would have totally done the same thing, in your shoes. I like how you mention "toxic relationship". Your ExH sounds like he needs serious help. Reading about folks, that right in the middle of the divorce, the spouse does a 180 and wants back in, scares me. While I still do truly love my wife, I can never reconcile the level of disrespect towards me, when she decided to have an affair with one of my closer friends. Had that not happened and our pending divorce was simply due to years and years of poor communication, then I might actually entertain the idea of working with a counselor to mend our marriage. But the thought of her with that man, has on two occasions caused me to literally throw up. I wonder, what it would say about me, if I actually allowed her back in? Some things just can't be undone....

 

Iluv, your story is truly sad. I can so appreciate people who, even though it will probably never work out, still try and try and try. It sounds like you are a super person and way more willing to try than what your husband deserves. You deserve to be happy and I don't see how that can happen with someone who is so addicted to himself. It won't make him happy for you to file for divorce because that will mean he won't have you as a doormat any longer. If he's seeking his thrills elsewhere and won't even try to stop or admit it, then I don't see you having any choice but to get out while you still have your sanity. Sure it will be hard, but look how hard it is to stay in that relationship, if one can even call it that.

 

I wish you the best, I truly do. You seem like such a sweet person.

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist, I would have totally done the same thing, in your shoes. I like how you mention "toxic relationship". Your ExH sounds like he needs serious help. Reading about folks, that right in the middle of the divorce, the spouse does a 180 and wants back in, scares me. While I still do truly love my wife, I can never reconcile the level of disrespect towards me, when she decided to have an affair with one of my closer friends. Had that not happened and our pending divorce was simply due to years and years of poor communication, then I might actually entertain the idea of working with a counselor to mend our marriage. But the thought of her with that man, has on two occasions caused me to literally throw up. I wonder, what it would say about me, if I actually allowed her back in? Some things just can't be undone....

 

Iluv, your story is truly sad. I can so appreciate people who, even though it will probably never work out, still try and try and try. It sounds like you are a super person and way more willing to try than what your husband deserves. You deserve to be happy and I don't see how that can happen with someone who is so addicted to himself. It won't make him happy for you to file for divorce because that will mean he won't have you as a doormat any longer. If he's seeking his thrills elsewhere and won't even try to stop or admit it, then I don't see you having any choice but to get out while you still have your sanity. Sure it will be hard, but look how hard it is to stay in that relationship, if one can even call it that.

 

I wish you the best, I truly do. You seem like such a sweet person.

 

"Addicted to himself" is a great way to put it. My exH was a very selfish person with a lot of narcissistic and passive aggressive qualities. I never realized how much that wore on me over the years.

 

As much as I was saddened by my divorce, since I never wanted that or thought it could happen, there was a sense of relief when separated from him. I walked on eggshells for so long without even realizing it.

 

It's been such a life changing learning process to go through the separation and divorce and come out a stronger person.

 

To the OP, I may seem very pro-divorce, but it's only because I see a lot of myself in your posts and your situation and from being out on the other side I can see that you deserve so much better than this passive aggressive person who is playing these cruel games. Know that you'll be ok if the divorce happens.