Sit and Wait or take action

[RuralGuy]

when she decided to have an affair with one of my closer friends

 

 

 

Don't you mean 'ex-friend'?

[Iluv]

H and I got a into a heated discussion over the weekend. His actions just don’t make sense to me.

 

The argument first started off about how he feels about the situation. For the a couple of weeks already i’ve been trying to get up on my feet. I’ve gone to the lawyer, and even got some info online from my IC about how I can file for the divorce without having to go through a lawyer. Prepping myself for the inevitable but on my own terms. He tells me how he feels and so i told him that if that was how he felt then why doesn’t he just file for the D. This was hard for me to say because i didn’t want to poke the bear… but i’m slowly just accepting it that maybe i need to face this head on. I hate how when things get uncomfortable for him he starts throwing the D word around and so i decided to just confront him about it and tell him to just file it if he feels that way about the relationship. He tells me that “he doesn’t have time but it will get done.” I tell him that it’s been over a year since this whole thing started and he hasn’t found time for it at all?? He’s had vacations after vacations to file for a D, and he’s done nothing. Just last week was his spring break, he didn’t do anything. I feel like it’s excuse after excuse.

 

The conversation goes on about the kids (his kids, my step kids) I love them dearly and I miss them a lot. I raised them for 5 years and before we got married, i took care of his son while he was deployed for 6 months. It wasn’t an easy task being a step mom but knowing that my kids were safe and felt like they belonged made it worth it. Their teachers would tell me how much they “adored” me. My daughters teacher would tell me how much my daughter would always talk about me during class. I remember confiding in her teacher once about the hardships of being a step mom and i just wasn’t confident in what i was doing. My H would always criticize me and tell me i wasn’t doing it right or he didnt’ agree with what i was doing yet he was never home to see how hard it was. She tells me.. that i shouldn’t worry about my daughter thinks highly of me. She Told me that whenever there were activities in school my daughters hand would be the first one up saying “my mom can do it!” or she’d talk about the little adventures we’d go on during the weekends. My son was harder to handle but i believe there were moments were we bonded. It was a lot harder to do things with him because 1) he was getting at that age where he was just “too cool” and he was starting to detach from parents and 2) He wanted attention from his father. and 3) there were 4 people trying to raise them. (Me, Dad, Bio mom, Grandmothers). Either way, i love him like he was my own son. Their mother isn’t that great? She’s had CPS involved and has had her kids taken away because she was using drugs. She doesn’t work and frankly didn’t seem like she fought for her kids when her and my H got D. Sometimes i think my son used to act out around females mostly because of how his mother raised him when he was a toddler, she would leave him with random relatives for days without any word from her. I tried to give my two kids a stable home but my H didn’t appreciate it. I don’t think he saw it either. I wanted boundaries where as he wanted to be friends with them instead. My H has some underlying issues with his childhood that play a role in his parenting ways too.

 

Since our separation my H.. had to leave the kids at his moms.. because he “didn't have a choice.” As upset as i am about my H doing that, I have no choice because they aren’t mine. It saddens me because i love them and i wish they knew how much i cared for them. Even if i was the “mean mom” as they might say.. it hurt my heart to be thought of as the “evil step parent” but i feel no one would step up to the game. I was the one holding their hands during projects, giving them consequences when they would do wrong, i was the one making them feel better when they were sick. Their bio mom would care for them when it was convenient for her, their father was too busy doing things and being friends with them. Their Bio-mom was unreliable, she rarely came to see them and when she did spend time with them she wouldn’t be around (words from my daughter) I was there 24/7. But since we separated, i haven’t been able to see them or talk to them at all. I raised them for 6 years, and… then i just disappear. Not by choice but because my H just constantly told me to leave.

 

So i brought this up to my H this weekend during our discussion. I told him how it wasn’t fair that for 5 years he wouldn’t even let me talk to them. He told me a couple of weeks before that he wouldn’t even know how to bring the kids back into the our relationship, so i told him that i just wanted to talk to them. He tells me “for what? so you can walk out on them again?” I replied, “no, it’s not that.. i just want to let them know that even if i’m not around.. i still love them no matter what and they can call me whenever. so no, i’m not walking out on them” I was furious when my H said that..because i didn’t walk out on them on purpose. If i had a choice they would’ve came with me. There were nights when i was in my home state and I’d just cry because i missed them. I told him how it made me feel how trying to connect with him wasn’t my only goal. I wanted to connect with his kids too, i wanted to connect with him. I told him how me leaving wasn’t my choice.. i told him i didn’t want to leave but that’s all he told me to do.

All of sudden i felt like i was having a real conversation with my husband. Instead of seeing him being stubborn he was listening to what i was saying to him. Then out of no where he says… “if you miss them that much then go to them and take care of them instead of having my Old ass mom (His words not mine!) take care of them. Just go live with my mom and tell her your there to take care of them so she doesn’t have to.” I wasn’t expecting this, and it just threw me for a loop again.

Just a minute ago, he was saying how he doesn’t want me to be around the kids because i’ll end up leaving. Now he says that i should go and take care of them? A couple weeks ago he tells me doesn’t know how to bring the kids back into this? And now the tells me that i should go there and take care of them when he told me he’d eventually file for divorce — wouldn’t that mean i leave anyway?

 

i don’t want to hurt the kids so i didn’t say anything about this “offer” incase he files for the divorce and i end up leaving..I don't even know if he was being serious about it....but i DO want to tell them that i love them and they will always be here for them. Is it wrong of me to want to talk to them??