Sit and Wait or take action

[Iluv]

To the OP, I may seem very pro-divorce, but it's only because I see a lot of myself in your posts and your situation and from being out on the other side I can see that you deserve so much better than this passive aggressive person who is playing these cruel games. Know that you'll be ok if the divorce happens.

 

Thank you, I appreciate the advice you give me. I'm about ready to give up. I've been thinking about when would be a good time for me to go home tbh. He's been giving me mixed msgs and when i try to talk to him he shuts down. I don't know what else to do but to give up. Idk if this is the "5 year" curse or what! I know i'll be ok once i get back "home" i have my family and friends all waiting for me to be my support so i know i'll be okay.

[lockedoutluv]

Iluv from this thread, I see two people playing a game of emotional chicken with their marriage. "If you can't communicate with me, then I'm going to leave." "Well if you leave, then I'm going to file for divorce" "Well if you're going to wait too long to file for divorce, then I'm going to file."

 

 

Maybe you should stop worrying about the future and start working on the present. By that I mean, stop trying to either fix or end the marriage. Don't work on the marriage at all. Instead, work on getting to know the other person as a person. Whether you can or cannot do that successfully, will give you a better idea on what steps to take next.

[Iluv]

Iluv from this thread, I see two people playing a game of emotional chicken with their marriage. "If you can't communicate with me, then I'm going to leave." "Well if you leave, then I'm going to file for divorce" "Well if you're going to wait too long to file for divorce, then I'm going to file."

 

Yeah, a lot of that is going on right now. I don't want to end the marriage but it seems our conversation always ends up at that point. As much as i try not to get there at least one of us starts the game. It's been 8 months since he said he wanted this divorce. On my way back he told me he was going to file for the divorce the week after i get here -- now he tells me he will file it in March -- which confuses a lot of people as to why he does that. I'm not quite sure why he does it either. I get all sorts of emotions every time he says "i'm filing it ___________" then a couple of days he acts like everything is normal. Idk how i'm supposed to take it so i just react. (he has changed the date of him filing for like the 8th time)

 

 

Maybe you should stop worrying about the future and start working on the present. By that I mean, stop trying to either fix or end the marriage. Don't work on the marriage at all. Instead, work on getting to know the other person as a person. Whether you can or cannot do that successfully, will give you a better idea on what steps to take next.

 

This is something i'm working on as well. Trying to focus in the moment and not so much the future. But again it's that statement "i'm filing it ___________" that throws me all over the place. I get scared, anxious, sad.. the list goes on. Idk how to remove myself from that.. especially when we have "good" days where i think we're connecting and out of no where he mentions things i need to do before the d -- then the cycle begins again. Sometimes, i think just going there and filing the divorce isn't just the answer to stop the cycle. I know there's something else i can but i can't quite put my finger on it! i'm trying to be as strong as i can be to in order to fight for my marriage.

[Iluv]

My H is doing some things i don't quite understand. H wants the divorce and i don't but his recent actions has left me confused.

 

Last week my H was nice enough to get me a vehicle for the weekend. I just wanted to rent it for a day but he said he'd get it for me and got it for 4 days. This is one of the things that was "different" about him. I didn't expect him to help me in that way once i got here. I figure he'd just leave me be and make me deal with things on my own. For the next couple of days while i had a vehicle i did what i had to do -- brought unwanted clothes to donate, shopped for groceries, ran errands etc. On friday, he came home and we got into a "discussion" about the marriage. I was trying to talk to him about marriage counseling and if he was still willing to go and then it turned into an argument about how he didn't understand why i was trying to save a marriage then i told him how i felt about how i wish i could just talk to him and ended the conversation saying "is there anything else we can do to improve the marriage without going into divorce right away" he responded (to my surprise) "like what?" I told him that "we'd figure it out..just have an open mind about things" and i walked away and tried to calm my nerves.

 

I was still pretty upset so i decided to go to the gym and get a workout in. I just up and left and didn't bother to tell him anything. After my workout i decided to call a friend and we were having a good convo so I decided to sit in my car and continue our convo. As i'm sitting in our driveway, i notice the blinds were moving. I was pretending i didn't notice them but i did. It was my H looking out the window. For the next 40 minutes i saw him do this about 6x till i went inside the house. When i got in he was asking me where i went but i told him i went out. Got in the shower and got ready for bed.

 

The next morning he gets up asking me for breakfast but i wasn't in the mood because of last nights convo and i wanted to get another workout in.. so i just got up got ready and headed for the gym. I get home and he's asking me where i've been again… and i tell him nothing. Then he tells me that he's going to go to his moms house. I just told him "okay" and continued on with whatever i was doing. Then he asks me if i wanted to go have lunch with him before he left… and i took him up on his offer thinking it'll be a quick drive down the road. It ended up being a whole afternoon affair. We ended up driving around town trying to find a place to eat (i wasn't complaining though). After we had lunch i figure he'd just drop me home and head off but then he asks me.. "do you want me to drop you off or do you want to go to the store with me? i'm waiting for traffic to die down" So i tell him.. "i don't mind if you drop me home, i'm fine with that but if u want me to join you i'll go." So instead of going home he takes me to a mall and we browse for books. While at the book store he'd approach me once in awhile asking me what i was doing and if i had found anything. The last time we went to the book store (We love books) he was really distant and didn't really interact with me. So i saw this as a good sign.

 

After that store I'm thinking.. traffic has died down and he's going to drop me off and head off. Instead he takes another detour to his favorite restaurant to have dinner. We have dinner and shares a couple things with me. it was nice quick dinner and we head home.

 

When we get home, i'm mentally preparing myself for his departure. I don't like it when he goes to his moms house only because he's a different person when he comes back. So I'm getting ready to relax at home and he's getting ready to leave. He tells me a few things and says his goodbyes. Probably 20 minutes away… i receive a text msg from him telling me that he was headed to the mall and if i wanted to go. So of course i jump on the opportunity to go… get ready and head out the door! I was so surprised by this because i seriously thought he was half way out the city already! i'm confused by this recent change. But i just go with it.

 

When i get there we meet and we walk around the store. He asks me for my opinion regarding a device he wanted and i give him my thoughts on it (something that we haven't done in awhile -- i figure this is a 'married' thing and my opinion wouldn't really matter.) but again.. i go with it. He mentions missing a movie he wanted to see but i didn't get into detail with it with him because the last time i told him i wanted to go out with him he tells me that he "has no interest" in it so i didn't want to put myself in a situation where i would get shut down. So i just left that movie issue alone. After, we head over to my car and again.. i'm just waiting for him to tell me that he's headed out of town but instead he suggests we get some coffee. We look and he chooses a spot that's 2 exits away from where we are vs one that's close by. So we go and he starts to talk. He asks me.. "so you wanted to talk what do we talk about.." and a conversation of some sort ensues. It wasn't a long convo but being that we're in this awkward stage I didn't want to push too much because i know things between us are still heated and arguments can go from 0-100 in a flash. We get there and he mentions how theres still a couple more minutes to kill before the movie begins and so i asked if what movie HE was watching.. and he said.. "i already told u what movie we're watching." and i was taken aback by it and said "we?" I didn't think watching movies with me was in his plans. Last i heard he didn't want to go to the movies with me. I was really surprised by this change. I don't know how to take it exactly. He ended up coming home after the movie. He never went to his moms house.

 

He says one thing but his actions say something totally different. This is just a couple of the things he's doing lately. So which do i follow? actions or words?

 

My H is never good at communicating his emotions.. he's more of an "action" guy. He's more of a "what i can do" vs.. "what i can say" if that makes sense. So sometimes when i see his actions ^^ i think that maybe there's hope. But idk.

 

What do you interpret of my H recent actions?

[jwi71]

Marriage takes two.

Counseling (MC) requires two.

Divorce only one.

 

Yet neither of you, despite repeated attempts to wound and control the other with D...have actually done anything other than swirl around the drain.

 

Why drag this out any longer?

 

Time to grow something I like to call a backbone.

 

Go to IC if you are not already.

 

Hire a lawyer if you do not have one on retainer. Ask the basic questions of divorce, your legal rights, assets, alimony, CS and any other pertinent ones you may have.

 

Then, on some night of your choosing, tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you WANT to fix the M. But, you have noticed, that everything the BOTH of you have tried has yielded squat in terms of improvement. Time to get help. Because it ain't working.

 

Tell him you have made an appt for MC and you hope he attends. (Oh, make an MC appt before all this...I left that part out above). That your goal is to learn how to recover the M and be BETTER - the both of you.

 

Then go. Whether or not he attends will give you his answer. Whether or not he tries will give your answer. Whether or not he uses the MC to gain the upper hand in the M will give you your answer.

 

You CAN'T lose. You get your answer. Your path forward becomes clear. Act as required.

 

Above all, it takes TWO. And right now, its an M of one.

 

 

Because you cant fix it on your own. And if he wont go, then there ya go.

[lockedoutluv]

What do you interpret of my H recent actions?

 

It sounds like your husband wants to date again rather than talk endlessly about marital problems. I would like to think actions speak louder than words in your case, but (a) it's kind of sudden and (b) it would be getting one's hopes up.

 

I know that a resolution to the marriage problems are forefront in your mind, but the more you can suppress your need to get final answers, the more you will see the better side of your husband coming out (I feel).

[Iluv]

Since our date a couple more things have come up.

 

A day after our time together.. He went to work and I had wanted to ask him a couple of questions regarding some issues (not about the marriage). I wanted to talk to him but he assumed that all i wanted to do was argue with him. I reminded him how we were able to "get along" the whole day yesterday without a bit of an argument and we made it just fine. He tells me that that because we were able to get along for one day doesn't mean that "everything is good" then i told him how we were able to talk and listen to each others opinion regarding a tablet that he had his eye on and he tells me that "we've done that before you really think that's the solution? because we aren't arguing everything is good to go? I beg to differ" I replied and told him. "no, it's not a solution but it's a step towards one."

 

Then 3 hours later.. he replies and says..

 

"i mean if you're seriously wanting to stick in this relationship then go ahead and hang around but i really think you're wasting your time and just setting yourself up to be hurt. But it's your life. I don't want to hurt your feelings and i've told you this straight so the decisions you make are your own"

 

Every time he says something that i hope i can work with there's always a "BUT" Idk if this is some kind of defense mechanism for him. I understand if maybe he's scared but i'm scared too.

 

I've asked for my friends for their opinion as far as this and the recent changes i have mentioned and they say that i need to "stop looking at the details" and see it for what it is.. they say that he's trying to see if it could actually work and he's giving our relationship a chance but i need to take a leadership role in it and show him. That he's "hurt and doesn't trust you'll be around" because of i left, "scared" because of the unknown. Sometimes i like to think that our "date" maybe sparked something.. but that could just be me and my wishful thinking.

 

His demeanor at home isn't standoffish either. In fact, i'm more standoffish than he is. I don't want to but the constant "yes but no" is confusing me and throwing me off for loops i don't quite understand and id where to step. He comes into the living and interacts with me by playing with the dog, takes her out. When i first got here.. he wouldn't even cross the living room lines. Now he's coming in and playing with our dog, taking her out to use the bathroom, etc. There's change. Little.. tiny... changes.

 

I know that a resolution to the marriage problems are forefront in your mind, but the more you can suppress your need to get final answers, the more you will see the better side of your husband coming out (I feel).

 

I'm trying to suppress them but it's time that worries me and makes me desperate for answers. I try to just "live in the moment" but then he throws me for a loop When he tells me that he's filing for the D in _____ (who knows if he'll change it again).. I just feel like i'm running out of time.

 

A week ago he tells me he's filing next month…. then yesterday he tells me that ^^.. and it sounds like he's not going to file it. It's hard to suppress the urges for answers when things are always changing. I don't want to play emotional chicken and tell him "fine i'm leaving" but sometimes i feel like that's the only choice i really have.

 

i am so lost.

 

lockedoutluv Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and replying. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

[lockedoutluv]

Iluv, there are a lot of mixed messages in the exchanges you have with your husband. It's a really complicated situation and there are no easy answers. I am certainly not an expert on what your husband is feeling. Stepping back several months, it's not clear to me who initiated the separation, but I can certainly see how if you walked out on your husband, this could have hurt him immeasurably and broken his trust in the relationship and you personally. This will have unpredictable effects on his emotions.

 

The way he is acting sounds a lot like the husband in another thread... I think it was called "Stubborn Husband". If you can find that thread, you might see some similarities and it might be helpful to read.

 

He tells me that that because we were able to get along for one day doesn't mean that "everything is good"

 

If "getting along" and avoiding arguments are his sticking points, jumping into a new argument about the relationship is not a winning strategy. If his feelings were hurt as badly as I indicate above, he will not be willing to admit that "everything is good" for a long time. It will take many days of getting along without conflict to repair the damage and to expect anything less would be premature.

 

"i mean if you're seriously wanting to stick in this relationship then go ahead and hang around but i really think you're wasting your time and just setting yourself up to be hurt. But it's your life. I don't want to hurt your feelings and i've told you this straight so the decisions you make are your own"

 

I don't know how word-for-word your quote above was, but he phrased that challenge in a specific way:

 

He did not say "If you want to wait around for me to divorce you, go ahead." He said "If you want to stay in the relationship." I see this as an emotional challenge. Kind of like the "you don't have to get me anything for Valentines Day" challenge. If you listen to their words and follow their request, you fail the test. If you contradict their request, you pass the test. Again, it's all part of the game of chicken. EDIT: Also he threw it directly back at you by saying "the decisions you make are your own."

 

I just feel like i'm running out of time.

 

A week ago he tells me he's filing next month….

 

Is this the only reason that you feel you are running out of time? I hope it does not mean you are already looking beyond the marriage to your next relationship. Let me ask you to reflect on the following questions on your own...

 

If you knew there was a 100% chance at eventual reconciliation, how long (days, weeks, months) would you be willing put aside your fear of divorce, not talk about it or bring it up at all, and live in a marital limbo until your husband is willing to open up again? How long if there was a 90% chance at eventual reconciliation? A 75% chance? A 50% chance?

 

My feeling is that there is a better than 50% chance, and the longer that you can accept being a dating partner, the more that probability increases.

Edited February 12, 2014 by lockedoutluv

[Iluv]

Iluv, there are a lot of mixed messages in the exchanges you have with your husband. It's a really complicated situation and there are no easy answers. I am certainly not an expert on what your husband is feeling. Stepping back several months, it's not clear to me who initiated the separation, but I can certainly see how if you walked out on your husband, this could have hurt him immeasurably and broken his trust in the relationship and you personally. This will have unpredictable effects on his emotions.

 

I left because of a fight we had. We were already having a bad beginning in 2013 and my H continuously told me to leave and "go home" (I realize he'd say this to me when he was upset). I resisted leaving right then and there because 1) i had classes and 2) i didn't want to leave. (he would even call me "stubborn" because i didn't want to leave) Then out of no where (once school ended for both of us) He changed his tune..when i had returned home after an argument, he was calm and we had a convo about me leaving for vacation to my home state and he had asked me if i was coming back. I asked him if he wanted me and he said "yes." A couple of days later we had another blow out and he told me to leave again.. so i packed up my stuff and left that night. During the months we were separated I didn't talk to him as much, i figure he wanted to get the D (that's all he kept talking about) so i was just waiting for the D papers (i'd even ask him on occasion when he was filing and he'd give me sarcastic answers like.. "between tomorrow and the end f the year or he'd just reply "tomorrow").. but it never came.

When i asked him for some of my things to be sent to me.. he'd send me random things one of which was a box full of OLD Mail… absolutely none of the things that i had asked for specifically. He wouldn't even send me pictures of my dogs if i asked for them but he'd always complain about how difficult they were to take care of.

When we did start talking he had mentioned that i "always had a choice to come back." and say things like… "i didn't tell you to leave this long" or when i confronted him about it one time he said .. "oh so you listen to everything i say now" he had even made plans to come to my home state for "vacation" but went on with this back and forth thing again. That's why i decided to come back because I felt like my H wasn't sure about this D. When I made plans to come back He told me he'd file for the D a week after i get back and that i was "acting desperate". (I don't think i was acting desperate,i just felt like if he didn't know what to do then maybe i can come back and we can figure something out). Well when i got here.. he didn't do anything. Then when i tried talking to him about the M, i guess he was getting frustrated and he told me he'd file for the D early march. Hence I'm waiting again. I've been here for about 3 weeks now and he hasn't done anything but i feel like he might (again)

 

So idk how hurt he is/was when he was the one who pushed me out the door. I just complied when he knew from the beginning i never wanted to do that. I just couldn't handle it anymore. However, now… when I tell him to let me know when he'd like me to leave.. he says he isn't going to tell me to leave this time because he doesn't want to be "blamed". Which makes no sense to me because he's the one telling me he's going to file D-- ain't it the same thing?? I mean, once that D is filed I'm going to leave and he's filing it so he's telling me to leave!

 

 

I don't know how word-for-word your quote above was, but he phrased that challenge in a specific way:

 

The quote was word for word, exactly. He sent it via text msg so i just copied it so i wouldn't miss a beat.

 

 

He did not say "If you want to wait around for me to divorce you, go ahead." He said "If you want to stay in the relationship." I see this as an emotional challenge. Kind of like the "you don't have to get me anything for Valentines Day" challenge. If you listen to their words and follow their request, you fail the test. If you contradict their request, you pass the test. Again, it's all part of the game of chicken. EDIT: Also he threw it directly back at you by saying "the decisions you make are your own."

 

I don't quite understand this. If i contradict his request -- i pass the test. I don't see a request in his msg? I am i missing it? So you feel he wants me to stay and just testing to see if i really would? And he's throwing it back at me.. but he wants no part in it?

 

 

Is this the only reason that you feel you are running out of time? I hope it does not mean you are already looking beyond the marriage to your next relationship. Let me ask you to reflect on the following questions on your own…

 

 

If you knew there was a 100% chance at eventual reconciliation, how long (days, weeks, months) would you be willing put aside your fear of divorce, not talk about it or bring it up at all, and live in a marital limbo until your husband is willing to open up again? How long if there was a 90% chance at eventual reconciliation? A 75% chance? A 50% chance?

 

My feeling is that there is a better than 50% chance, and the longer that you can accept being a dating partner, the more that probability increases

 

I feel like i'm running out of time because last he told me he was filing for the divorce in march. It leaves me with a sense or urgency to "fix" the marriage but i know that between now and march isn't going to fix this marriage. As much as i try to be patient, when he threatens me and doesn't mention anything else about the D… i get scared and panic. I'm not looking towards the next relationship. Any future relationships are far far far far far from my mind.

 

As for your question.. if i knew there was a chance my marriage can be saved, then time wouldn't be a factor. (if there was more than a 50% chance we'd make it, that would be awesome.) But i don't even know where to stand based on the mixed msgs my husband gives me. One minute i feel like he's for the marriage then out of no where it seems like he's just checked out.

 

Tonight, was one of those nights. He comes to me asking me what i've been up to today. I reply, tell him that i'm just fixing things around the house. Then a couple of minutes later he asks me.. "so what are you going to do?Any changes? I ask him "what do you mean?" he replies "Any long-term or short-term goals?" and when i ask him for what? (i just wanted specifics) he shuts down. I tell him if he wants to talk about it we can, and he replies.. 'It's getting late.." so again, convo cut short and walks into his room. i'm here.. wondering wtf just happened and what it was supposed to be about. Is it divorce talk? Reconciliation talk? I just don't know anymore. I had also asked him what he meant by the text he had sent me (about it being my choice).. he said he didn't know what i was talking about and that he forgot what he sent me.

Edited February 14, 2014 by Iluv

[MsOptimist]

"i mean if you're seriously wanting to stick in this relationship then go ahead and hang around but i really think you're wasting your time and just setting yourself up to be hurt. But it's your life. I don't want to hurt your feelings and i've told you this straight so the decisions you make are your own"

 

The part that I quoted above speaks volumes to me. I don't think he was hurt by your leaving, because as you said, he was the one who wanted you to leave. He knew you didn't want that.

 

I feel like he is playing a very passive aggressive game so that he twists it around on you to do something - file for the D yourself, leave on your own, etc. He said he didn't want to be blamed and that's exactly what it sounds like. I think he knows that life without you will heap more responsibility on him (like taking care of the dogs - if they'll stay with him) and that may be 1 reason why he's hesitating on pulling the trigger.

 

He's manipulating you into doing what he wants so that he can play a victim instead of the villain.

 

How did his first marriage end? I'm curious if he's playing out a similar scenario.

[lockedoutluv]

I feel like he is playing a very passive aggressive game so that he twists it around on you to do something - file for the D yourself, leave on your own, etc.

 

I wholeheartedly agree that he is playing a passive aggressive game, but my feeling is that they both are.

[Yasuandio]

Honey, I believe you have been spending way to much time over-analyzing and attempting to mindread a dead horse. I am so sorry to tell you that he doesn't care.

 

The only slightest chance, and it is thinner than air, is you must give him time to miss you. Getting in his space with all the relationship and recon talk is pushing him farther away.

 

You need to take control. Get to an attorney, file as Pititioner - explain how he is mentally torturing you, and have him vacated if he won't leave voluntarily. This is how to handle a guy like this. Why should you leave your home? A judge will set up a temporary order to make him help out financially until the matter is settled.

 

He wants a divorce, he packs his stuff and gets out. That will be a little wake-up call.

 

You must file this on Monday and no longer be a wimp. Face facts. You are speaking about a "fantasy relationship" that doesn't exist - and spending excessive amounts of time and energy misinterpreting this human bring's action's in your home. The example that stands out most to me was when you spoke of him "crossing the line" and paying you attention by petting the dog while you were in the kitchen. That saddened me, sweets.

 

You sound like a wonderful woman. You don't deserve this sadistic treatment. Find your power. We will help you. It is not easy. But you can do it. Monday you have to see an attorney and file. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it. It take months, sometimes a year. Mine took 4 years. Please think about my observations here. Yas

[lockedoutluv]

I'm sorry that I held off answering your questions because there was a lot to think about in your response.

 

So you feel he wants me to stay and just testing to see if i really would? And he's throwing it back at me.. but he wants no part in it?

 

This is exactly what I am trying to get across. He wants no part in the decision, which is something completely different than wanting no part in the marriage. He sees you as the decisive one and he will follow your lead ("What are you going to do?" rather than "This is what I plan to do.")

 

I'm not looking towards the next relationship. Any future relationships are far far far far far from my mind.

 

As for your question.. if i knew there was a chance my marriage can be saved, then time wouldn't be a factor. (if there was more than a 50% chance we'd make it, that would be awesome.)

 

Your thoughts and feelings on the situation are good news.

 

I feel like i'm running out of time because last he told me he was filing for the divorce in march. It leaves me with a sense or urgency to "fix" the marriage but i know that between now and march isn't going to fix this marriage. As much as i try to be patient, when he threatens me and doesn't mention anything else about the D… i get scared and panic.

 

All I can say is the more time he spends with you at dinner and movies, the less time he has to talk to a lawyer. The more time you spend shopping together, the less opportunity there is to argue over filing any papers. For now, put that deadline out of your mind for a while. If you have to panic, vent here on LoveShack, but don't take it out on your husband for the time being.

[Iluv]

I'm sorry that I held off answering your questions because there was a lot to think about in your response.

no worries

 

 

 

This is exactly what I am trying to get across. He wants no part in the decision, which is something completely different than wanting no part in the marriage. He sees you as the decisive one and he will follow your lead ("What are you going to do?" rather than "This is what I plan to do.")

if he wants no part in the decision making doesn't that work against trying to fix the marriage? I feel like my H will find everything little thing "wrong" with our marriage so he can say "it's not working out we need a divorce" I think that's what he's doing now tbh. I fight and be the "positive" one but sometimes i just wanna wave that white flag and say "you're right."

 

 

All I can say is the more time he spends with you at dinner and movies, the less time he has to talk to a lawyer. The more time you spend shopping together, the less opportunity there is to argue over filing any papers. For now, put that deadline out of your mind for a while. If you have to panic, vent here on LoveShack, but don't take it out on your husband for the time being.

Positive interactions right?? I'm trying that. He left for his moms today. So we can't have any movies or dinner nights this weekend. We didnt' even do anything for valentines day but i'm okay with that i guess. I'm sad he left but i think it's a good thing he left for a couple of days because i had a breakdown last night. I just had the urge to cry … he saw me crying and kept asking me what was wrong but i couldn't tell him. I didn't want to bring up the topic of divorce. It was just one of those nights. I went in my room and started to pack my things and i kind of snapped when he came in the room asking me what i was doing, i told him "i'm packing, isn't that what you want me to do!" He closed the door and left, without a word. I come out of the room about 30 minutes later, and his room door is wide open and he's asleep. I know it's silly of me to look at the door being open as something to take note of. When things are calm between us, he always closes the door and locks it, but i notice when things are tense or if he sees me packing he leaves the door open. This morning before he left, he was planning to make breakfast but i was in my room organizing things packing and he saw me, instead of staying to make breakfast he got ready to leave. Sometimes i think it's painful for him to see that i'm doing that and would rather not see it. sometimes i'd like to think it's hard for him as it is hard for me.. but his words say otherwise..

I read that passive aggressive peoples actions are more relevant than their words. So i like to think that applies to my H. I read your post about how i'm being passive aggressive and i admit that i have moments where i can be and i am trying to change. I know last night i was being passive aggressive when he asked me what i was doing and snapped about packing. I realized i was being PA after the fact, and i got upset with myself and cried even more! I try not to be passive aggressive when i deal with my husband because i know two wrongs don't make a right. I'm learning to remove myself from passive aggressive situations rather than getting sucked into them. It's hard but with the constant readings and places to vent like LS it's helped me see things in a different light.

 

Yas I hear your advice about going out there and just filing for the D but my question is.. isn't that playing "emotional chicken"? I think my h and have played this chicken game for so long, I'm just not interested in it anymore. If he wants the D then he needs to go file it.

As far as kicking him out of the home -- i can't do that. We are renting this place and we don't really have a "home" because my H is in the military and he pays for the rent and everything else in this home (electric, water, gas etc) which i am grateful for and hasn't brought up that i need to pay for x,y,z.

 

MsOptimist My IC told me that he could be doing that (manipulating me to do the dirty work) because divorce is a painful thing. However, he knows where i stand on our current situation and he knows how stubborn i can be. My H is very PA and i see that… and i try to deflect it every time i'm faced with is PA.

 

His first marriage--- they got married young, i think he was 18? The girl was 17? or maybe 16? i'm not too sure. He did it because he wanted to make sure his son was taken care of (insurance, money, roof over head etc). When they were married, he was stationed in a different state where we met. From what he tells me.. his wife was everywhere. He told me one time that he came at him with a knife.. and even called his commanding officer and told him that he was abusing her. She made all sorts of trouble. I remember one time he told me he was deployed and i guess she had some kind of house party and one of the guests took his check book and stole his identity. She was really irresponsible. She left him and went back to their home state for awhile but i'm not quite sure why.. i think that was when pulled a knife out on him or something. Then she came back after a couple of months and I guess they started fighting and that's when she called up his commanding officer accusing him of abuse but his commanding officer didnt' believe her and he got upset.. bought the XW a ticket back to his home state and packed up all the belongings and sent it to her vehicle, household goods and all. It took awhile for them to get D because he wanted to get custody of his kids. So he was speaking to a lawyer about what he can do for the time being plus he was always deployed for months because of his job. He wanted to get off the ship and onto shore duty (navy has rotations) so he could take custody of his kids. This girl also took advantage of power attorneys and ruined my H's credit, got pregnant by another guy and housed this guy in her apartment -- an apartment my H was paying for and he did not know about who also endangered the lives of his kids.

I know it might seem like i got suckered into a really good story but i have seen things myself. My h kept some mail from her old pen pals in prison. I've seen the damage she's done to my H's credit because i've been by him while he talks to creditors regarding fixing it and how she has neglected the kids.

My H got the divorce ASAP but he was just dragging it ou because of his kids. Once he knew he was going on shore duty he filed the divorce and was granted custody.

 

** as a note i've done none of those things my h's xw did. I've been super supportive, cooked, cleaned became a mom to his kids and gave them a home. A not-perfect home.. but still a home and have been super faithful to him. It's our fights that get the best of us.***

 

The difference between his first divorce and ours.. is … he didn't procrastinate. I mean there's really no reason for him to procrastinate regarding our divorce. We have no kids (other than my step kids).. my belongings are minimal just a couple small boxes here and there (he wouldn't even send me that while we were separated-- however when his first divorce came, he called up his commander and made sure he sent her all the things and he just bought himself new furniture) He hasn't filed for divorce -- just threats (so far) . So if he wanted this divorce he could've gotten it yesterday. There's no reason for him to be PA about it or procrastinate as long as he has. He is very different about this divorce. Also, we are in his home state, the same state he got his first divorce in.. so he knows the procedures and could even just call the first lawyer from his first divorce.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Iluv

[Yasuandio]

"Yas, I hear your advice about going out there and just filing for the D but my question is.. isn't that playing "emotional chicken"? I think my h and have played this chicken game for so long, I'm just not interested in it anymore. If he wants the D then he needs to go file it."

 

Do you want to be an Emotional Chicken or a Stewed Chicken? You would only be following through on what he is telling you (in no uncertain terms) what he intends to do. There is no "Chicken Game" going on here. Your husband is first of all, lazy (as it takes effort and motivation to get the divorce rolling). Your husband is also sadistic, in that he has planned what he is going to do and is indifferent, he obviously couldn't care less the pain and anguish you are enduring (he can just lay back and take a snooze, while you mindread the meaning of the open door).

 

As far as kicking him out of the home -- i can't do that. We are renting this place and we don't really have a "home" because my H is in the military and he pays for the rent and everything else in this home (electric, water, gas etc) which i am grateful for and hasn't brought up that i need to pay for x,y,z."

 

OK. You cannot kick him out. Fine. There's nothing to stay for, and you are packing to go somewhere. Go prepared. Why walk out penniless with this matter unresolved? That doesn't make sense. The reason you do it is because you HOPE he'll ask you to stay.

 

Here's another solution rather than staying in this emotionally painful and draining situation: get him motivated to get the divorce underway, so you may move on. How? Well, how did he do it the last time? Didn't you say something about the Commanding Officer? Shouldn't he be aware of a pending divorce. Maybe you need to suggest a visit to get this business moving, you are tired of hearing these threats. Tell him you could see the CO as well, if he doesn't feel like it.

 

I'd also suggest talking to the Chaplin. Find out the correct procedure. There is likely funding to assist you.

 

Wouldn't be a bad idea to have some tape recordings of his smart mouth too. I find his conduct abusive. Stop wining. Be smart. Yas

[Oberfeldwebel]

This is your choice, but I am not one to sit around and wait for someone else to decide what is going to happen with my life. I think it is time to get off the pot and end this nonsense. There is nothing in his actions that lead you to believe that he is interested in repairing a relationship. This is not something that you can do on your own. I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties work to fix the relationship. He does not appear to be interested. You need to live your life and not wait on him.

[Iluv]

I just need to vent.

 

My H left for his moms house earlier today. His departure brought back a lot of "lonely" memories… but at the same time i knew it would happen so i wasn't too sad.

We've lived here for the past 3 years and it's been a regular thing for him to leave. My SKids bio mom live in the same city as his mom so he would take them there to visit their mom. The one thing that really upset me was how he wouldn't come home. He'd stay at his moms and didn't feel the need to come back because he said he "wanted to spend time with his mom and sisters." and i was left alone. This caused a great deal of problems between us.

It wasn't that i was being uptight about it, infact i think i'm really pretty "chill" wife (i'm the wife that will volunteer to be DD while he drinks with his boys at a bar and i play a game on my phone. There was one time i volunteered and drove him and his Buddy around while they drank in the backseat till we got to a bar. I didn't care, i mean i saw my H was happy so that's all that mattered to me.) Anyway... i just didn't like how he wouldn't communicate with me (not even a text that says "are you okay?") while he was there and that he never took advantage of the fact his kids were away for us to have "date night" (we rarely had date nights and he convinced me that that was one of the 'plus' of moving down here because his mom could watch the kids and we'd have more time together) Him leaving for days was also one of the things that caused me a lot of pain. I remember being at home and feeling so alone and how i hated that. My parents hated that he'd do that too and i'm thankful i have really reliable friends who would keep me company and check up on me when i was alone.

 

While we were separated, i remember mentioning this to him. Telling him how it bothered me. How much i hated it. How much i hated having to plead for him to come home and knowing that i couldn't get what i wanted, even for a weekend because his mom had more priority than me.. because her blinds were more important.. or her computer that needed fixing was more important, his boy who had a birthday was more important, etc. I told him how he couldn't even call me to ask if things were okay at home, and that's all i ever really wanted. I even remember telling him.. "i took care of all of you (him and his kids) but no one took the time to take care of me." Idk if he actually heard me but i knew i just had to get that out because it was one of the things that caused us to drift apart.

 

The first time i told him i was planning to come back.. his first reaction was "i'm moving to my mom's house, u can stay at the house" I thought it was ridiculous because he would have to drive 3 hours just to get to class but eventually when he constantly said it -- i just told him.. "go, idc." He would even tell me how he would just "avoid" me and tell me that he'd be goin' to his moms on fridays to visit the kids and that he'd never be around. Again it hurt but i faced it head on.

 

So today, he went to his moms.. i was heart broken because it brought back the memories of being alone, being by myself, not hearing a word, just feeling like i didn't belong. I thought.."Things were still the same." Then…. tonight… at 1am i hear the door bell… and the keys. It's my H?!? My H actually came home this time. For 3 years… 3 long years… this is the first time he actually came home without me complaining, or yelling. He came home on his own. This is different. Why did he come home? I have no idea. He had everything he needed, books, laptop, clothes, etc. I wasn't expecting him till tomorrow maybe even monday morning. I told my friends about this and even she was surprised he came home. Even my mom was surprised!

 

The guy that said "i'm just going to avoid you if you're here.." actually came home the same day. My H has had plenty of opportunities to "avoid" me but it seems like he's closer now. Last week, he said he'd leave for his moms.. he didn't. Spent the whole day together. Today.. he said he's going to his moms…he comes home the same day. Tonight was the biggest "whaaa??" moment for me. It saddens me because i think.. "if only you did this sooner.. then we wouldn't be where we're at now." before he went in his room he asked if i needed anything from him (never does that either). I wanted to say "yes, i need my H back" but i just shook my head and said "no"

 

i Just had to let it out… thanks for letting me vent LS.

[Yasuandio]

Sweetie, I pray everything works as you wish for. Please, don't get your hopes up. Act cool. Read the 180's. Stop all the relationship talk. Pull back. It is natural when you pull back, it "can" work like a magnet. But when you push forward, it causes almost anyone to run. Keep pulling back. That "could" have been what caused a different pattern to occur. Sit at the table and eat alone, avoid interaction - 180's. See what other posters say. And DO NOT get false hope. Function as if divorce is imminent. That is my advice. Yas

[lockedoutluv]

if he wants no part in the decision making doesn't that work against trying to fix the marriage? I feel like my H will find everything little thing "wrong" with our marriage so he can say "it's not working out we need a divorce" I think that's what he's doing now tbh. I fight and be the "positive" one but sometimes i just wanna wave that white flag and say "you're right."

 

From the way that you phrase this, it sounds like you too look to find every little thing that is wrong and give up before it is necessary. In this case surrender is a two-way street. It's too easy to be negative... Keep fighting for the positive.

 

I read that passive aggressive peoples actions are more relevant than their words. So i like to think that applies to my H. I read your post about how i'm being passive aggressive and i admit that i have moments where i can be and i am trying to change. I know last night i was being passive aggressive when he asked me what i was doing and snapped about packing. I realized i was being PA after the fact, and i got upset with myself and cried even more! I try not to be passive aggressive when i deal with my husband because i know two wrongs don't make a right. I'm learning to remove myself from passive aggressive situations rather than getting sucked into them. It's hard but with the constant readings and places to vent like LS it's helped me see things in a different light.

 

First, let me praise you for not getting offended at my earlier comments and taking them as they were intended, constructive criticism. I think you were taking that feedback constructively, indeed. As you know, being with someone who is PA can be very damaging and destructive, as destructive as someone who is overtly aggressive. Just as a yelling-in-your-face argument will escalate very quickly between both parties into a very engaged inflagration, a PA argument will escalate very quickly as well but will typically end in disengagement with partners moving to different areas of the house. Recognizing that behavior is critical to breaking the pattern.

 

Furthermore, just as in overt aggression, passive-aggression is a learned behavior, almost always by being on the receiving end and subconsciously recognizing its powerful value. The behaviors that you recognize in yourself were picked up from somewhere, maybe it was your husband, maybe it was somewhere else, no matter. These kinds of negative learned behaviors can be unlearned but it is extremely difficult. From just the short story above, I know that you recognize this. It will be all the more difficult for your husband to change. Don’t expect that you can ask him to stop being PA with you and that he will even be able to admit that he is doing it. It would take a third party counselor to help him work through that and it sounds like it is premature that he would be willing to do that.

 

The one thing that really upset me was how he wouldn't come home. He'd stay at his moms and didn't feel the need to come back because he said he "wanted to spend time with his mom and sisters." and i was left alone. This caused a great deal of problems between us.

 

This connected with me very greatly. I know the feeling first hand when a partner seems to choose other relationships over a spousal relationship. I have no good answers for handling this kind of issue because my attempts ended in failure. I certainly sympathize with you, though, as to how painful it feels.

 

So today, he went to his moms.. i was heart broken because it brought back the memories of being alone, being by myself, not hearing a word, just feeling like i didn't belong. I thought.."Things were still the same." Then…. tonight… at 1am i hear the door bell… and the keys. It's my H?!? My H actually came home this time. For 3 years… 3 long years… this is the first time he actually came home without me complaining, or yelling. He came home on his own. This is different. Why did he come home? I have no idea. He had everything he needed, books, laptop, clothes, etc. I wasn't expecting him till tomorrow maybe even monday morning. I told my friends about this and even she was surprised he came home. Even my mom was surprised!

 

The guy that said "i'm just going to avoid you if you're here.." actually came home the same day. My H has had plenty of opportunities to "avoid" me but it seems like he's closer now. Last week, he said he'd leave for his moms.. he didn't. Spent the whole day together. Today.. he said he's going to his moms…he comes home the same day.

 

By vent, I assume that you mean in a good way. I am happy that you are seeing positive signs.

 

It saddens me because i think.. "if only you did this sooner.. then we wouldn't be where we're at now."

 

Something has changed, but I don’t think that it’s only your husband. Something more profound has changed about the relationship, which in turn has caused your husband to change the way he perceives the relationship to be. He feels as comfortable now to be at your home as he does being at his mom’s home.

 

before he went in his room he asked if i needed anything from him (never does that either). I wanted to say "yes, i need my H back" but i just shook my head and said "no"

 

Baby steps, Iluv, baby steps. But it sounds like it may be time to take a slightly bigger step. Perhaps it’s time that the next opportunity where he asks what you need, you merely respond “A hug.” Not a kiss, not a make-out session, not hysterical bonding (that’s an expression that I just learned on LS and found it to be most appropriate), a simple and brief but meaningful hug. All of those other things could cause him to overthink how far the reconciliation has gone and maybe cause a retreat. On the other hand, a request for a hug will say a lot and will be a simple but clear indication of where he feels this is going.

 

And DO NOT get false hope. Yas

 

I would phrase it that you should set realistic expectations. There are still problems that have to be resolved but things are moving in a positive rather than an increasingly negative direction. And that is cause for honest hope.

 

I know my response has been delayed. How was the rest of the weekend?

[Iluv]

From the way that you phrase this, it sounds like you too look to find every little thing that is wrong and give up before it is necessary. In this case surrender is a two-way street. It's too easy to be negative... Keep fighting for the positive.

 

POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE… it was pretty difficult this weekend.

 

First, let me praise you for not getting offended at my earlier comments and taking them as they were intended, constructive criticism. I think you were taking that feedback constructively, indeed. As you know, being with someone who is PA can be very damaging and destructive, as destructive as someone who is overtly aggressive. Just as a yelling-in-your-face argument will escalate very quickly between both parties into a very engaged inflagration, a PA argument will escalate very quickly as well but will typically end in disengagement with partners moving to different areas of the house. Recognizing that behavior is critical to breaking the pattern.

 

Furthermore, just as in overt aggression, passive-aggression is a learned behavior, almost always by being on the receiving end and subconsciously recognizing its powerful value. The behaviors that you recognize in yourself were picked up from somewhere, maybe it was your husband, maybe it was somewhere else, no matter. These kinds of negative learned behaviors can be unlearned but it is extremely difficult. From just the short story above, I know that you recognize this. It will be all the more difficult for your husband to change. Don’t expect that you can ask him to stop being PA with you and that he will even be able to admit that he is doing it. It would take a third party counselor to help him work through that and it sounds like it is premature that he would be willing to do that.

 

I've read so much about PA that I can not help but say "hey,i do that too." *i did it again this weekend! *

 

 

 

By vent, I assume that you mean in a good way. I am happy that you are seeing positive signs.

I had to let it out or else i would've confronted my H about it and it wouldn't turn out good.

 

 

 

Something has changed, but I don’t think that it’s only your husband. Something more profound has changed about the relationship, which in turn has caused your husband to change the way he perceives the relationship to be. He feels as comfortable now to be at your home as he does being at his mom’s home.

 

I did not see it this way… he's comfortable enough to be home. When we were still separated he told me that he was "not excited" about me comin' home and it was not something he looked forward too so he'd rather "not stay at home".. now he is. Because he sees it's not as and as he thought, maybe?

 

Baby steps, Iluv, baby steps. But it sounds like it may be time to take a slightly bigger step. Perhaps it’s time that the next opportunity where he asks what you need, you merely respond “A hug.” Not a kiss, not a make-out session, not hysterical bonding (that’s an expression that I just learned on LS and found it to be most appropriate), a simple and brief but meaningful hug. All of those other things could cause him to overthink how far the reconciliation has gone and maybe cause a retreat. On the other hand, a request for a hug will say a lot and will be a simple but clear indication of where he feels this is going.

A hug… I think we're both equally closed off to that idea. I want to change it but i'm not quite sure how.

 

This weekend wasn't so great. So last night as much as i wanted to avoid the D talk.. it happened.. of course argument began. Some things came up that really bugged me.

 

1)I had told him that if staying at home was such a big issue for him(this started because of job and money topic came up) -- let me know when i need to be gone. He replies and tells me that i can't leave because i'm not done 'packing' and says i still have to go through the books… i tell him that i don't need those and that i'm going to get rid of them and just sell them (they're too heavy to be mailed and it's just not worth it) He replies and says "Fine.." And i also told him that the things i did want are practically ready to go. After a we go back and forth for a few--He walks back room and i'm outside thinking - he's right, i need to get the books. So i go in the the office and grab my books. He comes out a few minutes later and asks what i'm doing so i tell "get the books ready!" and then he replies.. "you don't need to do that..i'll just keep the books.." Just earlier he tells me how i'm not done packing because of the books now i actually move and now he tells me he's willing to keep them? First off -- the books i read are totally not his style, they're mostly relationship self help books, romance novels and recipe books. Things he thought were "not interesting" and totally NOT what he reads. He's more into Starwars, Halo books.. now he wants "time travelers wife" and now he wants to keep "time travelers wife" or "when mars and venus collide?" Makes no sense to me!

When he says one thing and i do it, seems like he pulls back and changes his answer.

When i tell i'm i'm just going to leave (cause god knows how much i just wanna bail ship when times like these end up happening) he tells me "i can't because________" a) books b) taxes c) the dog d) money e) your choice.

 

This is what really blows my mind……. According to him..he has "no idea" why i'm here. IF that's the case then why give me these reasons to stay?? Why point out that i have to "get my things ready" "handle the dog to go" "get rid of the things i don't need" He wasn't doing ANY of those things while we were separated.. so i came here to 1) try and see if we can work things out 2) if not i need to get my things and go because he wasn't' doing it. ( i have been waiting for 7 months.

 

2.Counseling came up again, and he said he'd go… but of course there's always that "BUT…you're going to be disappointed"

 

3.Intimacy. This ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS seems to come up when we have these conversations. He says "we don't do anything.." I feel like it bothers me as much as it bothers him. As much as i'd like to go unto him and give him a hug (not so much jump in his pants) i would love to just start at that if we could. But it's so complicated now. Sometimes i wish he'd get the flu so he has no choice but ask for a hug. lol So we can get out of this "no contact" bs. This saddens me a lot because before we were married we were all about intimacy. Now we can't even sit next to each other. I wonder if time can change this:(

 

4. Kids- He mentioned that our situation is so complicated and he said he though about how we'd reintroduce the kids to this and he can't picture how that would work. Since we've been separated, because of his job and schedule he took his kids to live with his mom (an hour and a half away) I always knew deep inside this would happen. My IC back then told me that it wouldn't be good choice for the kids because the kids need their dad. However, because i left.. he CHOSE to leave them there.. and last night when i confronted him about it he said "Had no choice". i told this bothered me as much as it bothered him. I love those kids like they are my own.

 

Last night the topic of talking to other females came up too. I think i had said something in the lines of how these other females are "interesting" because you actually talk to them vs how he won't even try to talk to me or get to know me. (i'm not quite sure how that was worded but it was something along those lines) For ONCE he finally puts his phone down and says this ..

 

"if i was talking to females.. why do i come home to YOU? if these females are so 'interesting' like you say then why is it at the end of the day i still come home to you instead of spending time and talking with these 'females' you say i talk to."

 

 

Now, because of the argument about money.. I want to get a job. Being that our relationship isn't so easy right now, would u guys suggest i do get a job for now?? Idk how that would work. I just want to get my own funds so i don't have to rely on my h so much with the funds. I work in a healthcare field and while at my doctors office, the lab tech offered me "in house training" and even gave me a number to a company that hires and gave her the supervisors name . (i wish i could share this news with my H) Personally, I'm pretty confident i can get the job.

 

Yas I'm sorry i didn't reply to your msg earlier.Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. i'm considering your advice. I've got to restart my 180 today. With the recent coming home thing.. i acted like it was nothing. I unlocked the door, went straight back to bed. He was the one that asked if i had needed anything. I just went to sleep as if it was nothing new. I'm setting realistic expectations thats why i'm still packing and clearing out the things i need to clear out.

[Iluv]

This week hasn’t been easy. The tension is there and it doesn’t help when he comes at me with sarcastic remarks. Idk why i let them get to me. It’s hard to ignore. It … is…. annoying... and my patience is already running on low this week. My H is almost always sarcastic. However when i mention his sarcastic remarks as “not helpful” he denies being sarcastic he says “i’m just being myself, see you don't like who i am". When i confront him about things that i do not like—he talks about the D.. saying things like.. “did the money come in yet?” (he’s waiting for the taxes to file for the D)

 

There are days where i just want to grab my things again, leave everything behind and just walk out on him for good. I don’t care about the money or anything. The only thing that i care about is my dog. I don’t want him to neglect her the way he did while i was away and use her to “punish” me (i suspect that what he was trying to do).

 

Regardless of what i try - if remain silent, i get his sarcastic/unnecessary comments..… I try to speak to him, he responds in this “i don’t care” attitude. If i have the “i don’t care” attitude… he says that he’s just “being considerate"(again sarcastic)”. When i pull away and just leave him alone (even if when we’re in the same house) he comes and searches for me around the house wondering what i’m doing. He still tells me where he’s going, what he’s doing, where he’s at, his plans are (i.e. going to his moms on friday).. however.. i noticed that when things aren’t going his way and i speak up, he starts talking about the divorce. So again, i pull away — but when i’m in the other room having an enjoyable conversation with a friend — he’ll come in the room and ask me what i’m doing. I don’t get it. If he wants me away from his sooo bad, why even be concerned about what i’m doing or tell me what he's doing!

 

Recent events have been driving me bananas!! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

[Yarrow]

He's trying to get you to be the one to pull the trigger and file for the D because , as much as he wants to be gone, he wants to be able to say that you initiated it. It's to save face or claim moral superiority or something. You are letting him waste your time.

 

For me, the feeling of taking some control back in my life and filing myself was worth any flack I might have gotten for being the one who "initiated". What exactly are you waiting for at this point? Do you really think anything is going to change and why?

[Iluv]

The week was tense but the weekend was good.

 

Friday.. i went out and ventured around the city. I needed to get around so i decided to learn the bus system. I managed, granted it took the whole day but i got to all my appointments on time. Earlier in the week, i had asked for the car… but there was tension in the week so i didn’t bother and i didn’t want to inconvenience him since i know he needs the car plus, i wanted to just do this myself. I left that morning without saying a word. He was still asleep. The whole day i didn’t hear from him until the afternoon when he started calling me. 6 phone calls in a row. I didn’t answer. A couple hours passed and the phone calls started coming in again. I didn’t answer. I wanted time alone. To Think about myself. Finally i get a text asking me where I was but i was already near my house so i didn’t bother. Came home, and got asked a bunch of questions about where I was, how was i getting around, why i didn’t call him.. etc.

 

Weekend comes and i’m thinking another salty weekend, maybe he’d end up going to his mothers house or something. But it ended up being pretty good with some bumps here and there. We spent the whole weekend together, got lunch and drinks on saturday then went to the mall and went to several other stores because i was telling him i was looking for something specific. He helped me look for things but i didnt’ end up buying anything.

 

Sunday, we go out again… this time we went to the trails and went running. He went at his own pace and i went on mine but I managed to finish the trail just 5 minutes behind. After that we went to STBX he got some coffee and made a comment about my vehicle. But i kept quiet. Had lunch, then went to the grocery store. I wasn’t kind of upset with his comment about the vehicle so i opted not to go grocery shopping with him and decided to stay outside and let him get what he needed. He called asking me where I was and i told him how i felt. He got upset but i also wasn’t feeling good. After the grocery store i’m prepared to go home and shower but instead we head over to another sporting goods store where we had a bit of back and forth (nothing drastic) just a lot of blaming again, “i don’t understand why you…. “ statements, he said some things that hurt but i didn’t want it to ruin what we were doing. So i just kept doing the “you’re right.. “ I didn’t want to fight him on the subject anymore.

After that store, he seemed pretty up beat.. like rather than him holding on to the negative vibe that usually ends up happening — he was open, asking me questions around the store asking me if see anything.. etc. Kept to myself though. He didn’t find what he was looking for so we head over to the outlet stores. Instead of talking about the D and the “you did this” convo’s he instead brought up the topic of finding shoes which was a nice change. My H is a runner and i’m just starting out. I always admired him for being able to run long distances and i wanted to know how i could get there too, also i was hoping (before we separated) that we could find ways to connect with running. He was never up to for it before. This time he told me what shoes i should get and why. When we go to the outlet stores he even offered to buy me some workout outfits, and we looked for shoes for me and he even picked out the shoes that he thought were good for me. It was a nice change. For once we actually talked about something else other than the divorce. I felt like we connected, even if it was for a short time.

 

My close friends who have been with me from day one.. say that “If he is there with you.. he is trying” Before i got here, he assured me that he would never be around and we’d never do anything together.I prepared myself for that and now.. for the whole month i’ve been here we’ve spent every weekend together. He says things but his actions just don’t match up.

 

 

What exactly are you waiting for at this point? Do you really think anything is going to change and why?

 

I guess it's because my H and i have been down this road a couple times before. He says He wants the D but doesn't initiate it. He knows how i feel about the divorce.

The last time we spoke about the D... he was all for it, says he made up his mind. I went along with it and just waited for school to be over. During the last month of school things started to change a bit, and we kind of got into it one day and I had told him how he doesn't care about the relationship he says "you don't see me trying?" but i let my pride get in the way and said "no" Then when i thought about it..i felt really bad for taking his actions for granted. I look back and i could see he was trying, and i blame myself for not seeing them sooner. I wish he had said something more the lines of "hey, ok we'll try and work on the relationship" but because my mind was just set on the divorce that he had mentioned awhile back (he said he was going to file it again).. i didn't see his efforts and i let my pride get in the way.

Now we're here and i don't want to take his actions for granted again if by chance he is trying.

[MsOptimist]

I get that you're trying to keep the peace and give him the benefit of the doubt with his actions, but my fear for you is that you're walking on eggshells all the time around him and becoming a doormat.

 

He's saying things to you that hurt you and you're keeping it all inside and appeasing him and avoiding conflict. He gets upset when you voice your opinion or feelings. That's not a healthy dynamic and not healthy for you.

 

He probably likes the control he has with that dynamic, but it won't hold up long term. I also don't see his asking about your whereabouts as anything significant - it's a control factor.

 

There are a lot of unresolved issues that are getting rug-swept and if you truly can reconcile with him, he will have to learn to hear you out and work through the conflict vs. getting a "you're right" response from you every time.

[Iluv]

I get that you're trying to keep the peace and give him the benefit of the doubt with his actions, but my fear for you is that you're walking on eggshells all the time around him and becoming a doormat.

 

He's saying things to you that hurt you and you're keeping it all inside and appeasing him and avoiding conflict. He gets upset when you voice your opinion or feelings. That's not a healthy dynamic and not healthy for you.

 

He probably likes the control he has with that dynamic, but it won't hold up long term. I also don't see his asking about your whereabouts as anything significant - it's a control factor.

 

There are a lot of unresolved issues that are getting rug-swept and if you truly can reconcile with him, he will have to learn to hear you out and work through the conflict vs. getting a "you're right" response from you every time.

 

Hi Ms. Optimist!! Sorry it took me awhile to reply.

 

I understand what you mean about me possibly walking on eggshells. I know I run the risk of doing that whenever i just agree to avoid conflict but i'm learning to speak up when i have to.

 

The last post I had.. I remember he and i were having a bad week and i just didn't want to make it worse. My H isn't the best at communicating with me, he communicates more with sarcastic remarks or he becomes passive aggressive and i, in turn get defensive and angry or irritated and we never get anywhere. I didn't want that anymore -- I wanted that dynamic to change. I remember reading articles during that week on how to communicate with someone that was passive aggressive and I read that i shouldn't "Play the game".. and that's what i was doing. I "agreed" just to appease him for a short moment... just to bring him back down to earth. If i didn't just say "you're right" i'm pretty sure it would've gotten worse and We I would've just kept silent and he would've continued on with his remarks. I also wanted to throw him for a loop, just to change something between us. I rarely say that "you're right" so i'm sure that caught him off guard and i noticed that the more i said "you're right" I received less sarcasm... and i was able to respond to him without the anger and frustration.

 

We do have a lot of issues that He and I need to talk about.. and we're talking about them. Little by little. I've been addressing the way he talks to me, how we communicate..how we respond to each other... SOME of the issues. So far i think i’ve been doing good. I’ve been able to say things like “I don’t like it when you _______” and I think this is a no-no with PA people but i point out the things he does and how it makes me react, setting up boundaries. For Instance, he had this bad (more annoying) habit of saying “be quiet” (sarcastically..he is VERY VERY sarcastic) whenever we were alone in a car and i make a small comment about something as small as avoiding a pot hole. Well after that week (my last post) we were in the car.. and I had made a remark about a lane closure. Something really small. He replies “be quiet” and i got upset (but not crazy upset) i felt the need to stand up for myself and i told him.. “One of your biggest complaints about Us is that fact that we ‘don’t talk’ yet here i am trying to have a conversation with you or just trying to speak..… and all you do is tell me to ‘be quiet’” he replies “you’re too sensitive.” I reply.. “no i’m not sensitive.. I’m following everything YOU tell me, telling me to “be quiet” for the first few times.. can be cute... but when you’re constantly saying it.. don’t be surprise that i actually do it, because i no longer think it’s cute! but don’t you dare use my silence as an excuse to be ‘right about me’ because you’re not.” Since then, he’s stopped. Recently, When we’re in the car.. if i want to comment on something as random as the guy who is sitting at the corner dancing.. he doesn’t tell me “be quiet” anymore… instead he’ll say something like.. “he’s every day..” I haven’t heard the “be quiet” comment for 2 weeks now.

 

Anyway, it's been awhile since i've posted anything on here. I'm still here and We're still married, No divorce papers have been filed. It's March, the month he said he'd file but don’t think he’s done anything.

 

Since my last post... we have gone to several more dinners/lunches/and trips to go running at the trail. We still have our ups and downs though. Divorce is still mentioned once in awhile. Once to be exact since the last ‘divorce’ talk.

Last weekend, i thought he would go straight to his mothers house since it was spring break. Instead He spent the weekend with me, went to the malls, ate dinner.. before he left and he kept asking me if I was "going to be okay" since i didn't have a vehicle. He constantly asked me if i needed anything before he left for the week. He seemed pretty concerned. He suggested i grab rental vehicle while he was away so i’d have something to use. I wasn’t stressing it though.. he was the one that was more worried than i was.

 

He came home earlier than i thought and Yesterday, we went out for dinner, and just before dinner was over..since it was going well (we were laughing, and joking with each other) I wanted to be brave and ask if he wanted to go to the movies. This was a big step for me becaus i knew i had a big chance of getting rejected. During the first week i was here — we had our convo about the marriage. I told him that we should just “go out more, and get to know each other again” He asked what i meant by it and i suggested going to the movies, dinner, trail.. refused them all. Told me he didn’t want to do any of those things with me. Well when i asked him about the movie this time around.. without hesitation or sarcastic comebacks.. he said.. "okay what movie do you want to watch?"

 

So Here i am… about my 7th week here… and we’ve done most of the things i wanted us to do to try and fix our marriage. (I think lockedoutluv that he just wants to date without the pressure of fixing our marriage.) We don’t go out as often as i’d like because of his schedule, usually just the weekends if he’s not going to visit his mother. I feel like he makes time for me, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. And when we do go out, there are other changes. For instance, he wanted to get frozen yogurt after dinner one night. he asked if i had wanted one and i told him no (i’m trying to watch my diet) again he insisted but i wasn’t interested.. then he says.. “do you just want to share with me then?” That was a “whaaa?” moment. Share? At the beginning he wouldn’t even eat dinner with me in the same room! now he wants to share?? He’s been wanting to share things with me more often now that i think about it. Even while we were waiting for the movie yesterday he offered me a sip of his coke slushy. Idk if that’s normal divorce behavior. And he even opened up about where he is at school and how he was stressed. Keep in mind, our convos before were….. nonexistent. Our car rides (during the first month i was home) were literally spent in silence. Now, we talk.. and i’m happy we do. I thought maybe being upfront with him and telling him how i feel about certain things would damage the way we interact with each other but i think it did the opposite -- it caused him to talk more?!? We even laugh more than before which is nice because We haven't shared a laugh for awhile.

 

I still feel like His actions just don’t match up with what he wants. :/ Even my close friends say that his actions don't match up.

 

As for me, even if i see these changes i still have my guard up and trying to keep a positive attitude throughout this whole time. I'm happy with the changes even if they seem really small. I actually went to a lawyer today so i can get more information regarding the divorce so that if something were to happen... For now, i’m just hoping for the best.. but preparing myself for the worst.

 

Thanks for reading