AutumnMoon Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Anyone have insight to this and could let me know what's up? Our affair has always been casual but very intense at the same time. Hard to explain. But we both agreed from the start to stay married to our current partners and it's always seemed easier for him to keep everything separate than it is for me. I start comparing my husband to him and then rewriting marriage history a bit to myself I think.. I'm aware I do it and try to keep it in check. MM however has lately been feeling stresses at home and is distancing from his wife a lot, saying things like they have nothing on common anymore, and pointing out her flaws more. He's realizing me and his have more in common maybe but it's something we already knew, his marriage and my marriage aren't awful at all, just not everything we want. But he's acting distant, from his wife and other friends more so than me, but I feel it a bit too. He says nothing's wrong. But I know for sure that's not the case. Should I comfort him or mind my business. Is this a phase that will pass? I don't know how to move forward, right now we are just pretending things are normal but I can feel in the air that things have shifted. With me around he will keep comparing what our relationship could be to what he has with his wife. I know that because that's how I feel about him. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to cause him stress either. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 (mind me if I don't get this right--its early and I only had 1 cup of coffee!!) Are you thinking your MOM wants to leave his spouse and eventually continue on with you? Is this something you are desiring? You have every right to bring this point up and to lay it out. You deserve to know what is going on then you can make your decision. You may possibly need to pull away from him and tell him why if its getting to be too clingy. My xMM had a break up/make up round, and we didn't discuss what happened when his BS found some stuff out about his past. We didn't discuss much of what she found(although he told me without telling me if that makes sense) and not discussing it when we went for round 2 I think made it worse. It led to my xMM doing the opposite. He wants to "be friends til everything falls into place and what will be will be as this is by his design". I'm trying to figure that one out (could be attempting to R, but if so--just tell me). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 What does "rewrite marriage history" mean? I've seen that phrase around here a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Relationships with everyone in life are constantly shifting and changing. Maintenance on any relationship is what keeps it viable. This maintenance is often done instinctively in most of our relationships and often we don't even think about the fact that we're doing it (maintaining a R). When you're having an A that in itself is a factor that will influence the flow of your M and his M. So, it's not surprising that you've noticed these changes in his M happening since part of maintaining a M includes keeping it exclusive. If the two of you continue your A don't be surprised to notice that it begins to effect your Ms more. That doesn't mean your Ms won't survive but it does lessen the probability of them surviving. They'll most likely continue to break down and be less satisfactory for all four of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I would think you comforting him will only put greater distance between he and his W. Also, if he's starting to act more and more distant from others and not you, the likelihood of the A neing discovered is greater. What are your options for creating some separation from him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) My concern is not that he's being too clingy. He's pulling away from me too a little I think but I don't think consciously. It's like he is sad about the state of his relationship, his marriage, but doesn't want the affair to end. He says he's fine when I ask. But we have all the same friends and the same hobbies so it's very obvious when he starts being reclusive. He's still in contact with me but we have been on a break from the physical side of the affair and haven't had much time together lately. I think actually he or going through something that I went through closer to the beginning.. The feeling like we are settling in our marriages. When you meet someone is so like you and it makes you wish your parterre and spouse what those things too. I went though a phase where the "what ifs" were overwhelming and I was distancing from my husband in that time. I'm wondering if that's what's he's going though. I thought it was more women who went through that, I just didn't expect it after this much time. That's all. Edited January 21, 2014 by AutumnMoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He probably is emotionally distancing from his wife. When his emotions/feelings are invested elsewhere (with you), he doesn't have it to give to his primary relationship. It's unrealistic to think that someone can keep his relationship solid with his spouse while investing his emotions/feelings with someone else outside the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Perhaps he's stressed/overwhelmed with everything going on so he's clamming up a bit? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Should I back off and give him space or help him through it. I have no idea. I've just been backing up thinking space would help, but it seems like that's making him more distant from her instead. Like he's longing for something else. He says things are fine when I ask, but I hear her side too, and I also know his friends have noticed he is kind of down. He seemed happiest when we were in contact more but it's him who has made it clean he can't focus at work when we are in constant contact. I don't think he knows what he wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'm wondering if his W is becoming suspicious? I also pulled away from my H and he became very suspicious. I had no clue. I thought I was so careful. Do you think that's a possibility? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'm wondering if his W is becoming suspicious? I also pulled away from my H and he became very suspicious. I had no clue. I thought I was so careful. Do you think that's a possibility? No she isn't suspicious of him she actually thinks she's doing something wrong, she is insanely in love with the guy.. But in a weird non-affectionate way.. She builds him up to other people but not to his face. Anyway she thinks that its something she's doing wrong that's making him that way and a few of our friends think it's them doing something wrong. He says nothings up, but he is acting noticeably different at times. Could be anything I guess I just don't want to be the cause of stress for him. He says I'm what makes him happy. This is almost 18months into the affair and the first time he's really seemed to be pulling away from her. He had that in check where I didn't before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Perhaps he's stressed/overwhelmed with everything going on so he's clamming up a bit? I'm thinking that's it, I just hope I'm not causing him stress and I don't know if backing off would help or hurt. I'm over analyzing I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 What does "rewrite marriage history" mean? I've seen that phrase around here a few times. I don't know about OP, but because my ex husband and I live 1200 miles apart, each of us in our hometowns, with no family or friend crossovers in our lives, we are able to actually change the events of our marriage when we talk to others and not have anyone say, "that's bull". I had this happen the last time I was in the exhusband's town. We started fighting about ancient history and at one point he emphatically told of an incident that never happened. When I called him on it, he admitted I was correct. BUT, I've known people who tell themselves and others something that isn't true so many times, they grow to believe it. Thats my rewrite of my marriage... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 What does "rewrite marriage history" mean? I've seen that phrase around here a few times. For a lot of people it just means you magnify the other spouses flaws in a way to justify the affair almost. It's not always on purpose it just happens and you start to remember the whole relationship being like that.. You rewrite the history in your mind. You only remember the bad things and in some cases you've even made those bad things out to be worse than they really were. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I'm thinking that's it, I just hope I'm not causing him stress and I don't know if backing off would help or hurt. I'm over analyzing I think. Just back off a bit-- some people when overwhelmed just start to shut everyone out. If he asks why, then let him know. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Sounds like depression 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Sounds like depression I'm worried about that. He seems so fine when it's just me and him, but he's definitely changed at home, and in social settings. If he goes out at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 She says she can't read him anymore and he's pulling away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 She says she can't read him anymore and he's pulling away from her. This is a natural result of an A, especially for someone who is authentic. Those who relate on more of a superficial level may not do this as much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Is it possible there's somebody else? Pulling away from his wife but telling you things are fine, pulling away from you too... I mean, when I started pulling away from my husband and he his wife, we both told each other it was happening. We talked about it. All of this was foreign ground for us, so a lot of it was discovering everything about affairs, good and bad (mostly bad) together. I hear this and wonder if he is pulling back because he's got a third basket he's starting to put eggs into. Or maybe he wants a break that doesn't include either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Is it possible there's somebody else? Pulling away from his wife but telling you things are fine, pulling away from you too... I mean, when I started pulling away from my husband and he his wife, we both told each other it was happening. We talked about it. All of this was foreign ground for us, so a lot of it was discovering everything about affairs, good and bad (mostly bad) together. I hear this and wonder if he is pulling back because he's got a third basket he's starting to put eggs into. Or maybe he wants a break that doesn't include either of you. He's not pulling away from me, he's been in contact with me the entire time he's just acting differently around me and everyone else in social settings, and I have been keeping some space up because I thought it would help. I thought it was me that was causing issue. He says he's fine and it's me that makes him happy. There is absolutely nobody else right now, I know this because we talk extensively about other people and he would be telling me about it for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 I only feel he's pulling away in social settings. We do a lot of group activities and where those are concerned he's pulling away from me a little because I'm normally attending those with him and he's cut in half how often he goes. I'm more wondering about insight with him pulling away from his wife. If it's guilt I wish he would tell me. But he says he feels find about everything. I just notice a difference in his behaviour. He also buys her gifts after a lot of very emotional episodes between me and him .. Makes me think he feels guilty, or is trying to minimize her suspicions?? ..but otherwise continues to distance From her. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 He also buys her gifts after a lot of very emotional episodes between me and him .. Makes me think he feels guilty, or is trying to minimize her suspicions?? ..but otherwise continues to distance From her. Wow, your role as her friend and his MOW gives you a unique perspective and also in a way it's like being that "fly on the wall" people sometimes say they'd like to be. Hard for me to imagine having that kind of view into MM's life. Is it almost surreal sometimes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 It's really weird sometimes. I'm his friend not really hers but because I'm around so much and I'm a woman I think she just naturally gravitates to me, thinks we are close and she tells me in great detail sometimes what's going on. I don't ask questions, and I give her advice if she asks, by pretending her husband is someone else. Hard to put into words. I love him very much. I would step away indefinitely and give him space, if that's what would make him happier, and I would divorce my husband if he said that's what he needed too. I already know that in my heart. I love my husband, but in a very different way. If I thought I could be with my OM happy, and that's what he wanted that's what Id do. But we have both agreed right now that's not what's best for our kids. We haven't discussed that stuff in over six months Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Don't you get jealous of her at all? Like when he buys her gifts after the two of you've been emotionally intimate? Does it effect you in any way? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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