Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Don't you get jealous of her at all? Like when he buys her gifts after the two of you've been emotionally intimate? Does it effect you in any way? I wouldn't call it jealousy. It's a weird feeling. Maybe it's jealousy but I have no ill will towards her at all and really just want him to be happy and he does love her. They just have a non affectionate relationship and nothing really in common. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 When he's bought her things.. Like only a few times in the span of a year, it's like a day or two after we've been really intimate. At first I thought it could be a coincidence but it kept happening. I feel a little weird about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 When he's bought her things.. Like only a few times in the span of a year, it's like a day or two after we've been really intimate. At first I thought it could be a coincidence but it kept happening. I feel a little weird about it. Guess you've never mentioned it to him? I would, not in a complaining sort of way but just as an observation to maybe see if he was doing it out of guilt or as a curiosity in finding out how he thinks to a greater extent, but I might be a little too bold in exercising my curiosity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Guess you've never mentioned it to him? I would, not in a complaining sort of way but just as an observation to maybe see if he was doing it out of guilt or as a curiosity in finding out how he thinks to a greater extent, but I might be a little too bold in exercising my curiosity. No I've never asked him about it, never thought to hard on it really, at first I just was surprised because it seems so cliche.. You always hear that cheating husbands buy gifts. I guess I just thought if it was because he felt guilty then he would back it up with giving her extra attention too and he doesn't. He knows I'm aware of it all, he had always maintained he doesn't feel guilty for getting affection elsewhere. I guess I don't know if he is pulling away from her because he has stronger feelings for me than he originally planned, (which is why I pulled away from my husband in the beginning) or because the double life is getting to him and he's feeling guilty. I don't know if I should outright pry.. Because I've already asked and he says nothing's wrong.. Or back off, not bring it up, and just see what happens 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 AutumnMoon, have you always been able to disassociate on such an intimate level? Or is this something you learned from the A? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 AutumnMoon, have you always been able to disassociate on such an intimate level? Or is this something you learned from the A? I was thinking the other day, how disconnected I must be to be able to deal with some of the conversations I have and been able to keep a straight face, or really in some cases keep from crying and even give advice I think could help their marriage. I have no idea how I'm able to do that I would say I've been able to do it for most of my life. But never to this extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Maybe it's a "desperate times desperate measures" type thing?.?. I don't know and desperate isn't necessarily the word I'm looking for either. Maybe more of an A survival thing, meaning you'll do say be anything to everyone to maintain the A status. Could I he on to something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Maybe it's a "desperate times desperate measures" type thing?.?. I don't know and desperate isn't necessarily the word I'm looking for either. Maybe more of an A survival thing, meaning you'll do say be anything to everyone to maintain the A status. Could I he on to something? I really don't want anything to change. So yes that sounds about right. I just want things to stay as they have been, and I don't want him to be unhappy, and I'm not sure if the affair as a whole has got him feeling terrible, or if the low contact lately has been and I'm not sure if I tell him how I feel will help, or if backing off with help or hurt more. Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I really don't want anything to change. So yes that sounds about right. I just want things to stay as they have been, and I don't want him to be unhappy, and I'm not sure if the affair as a whole has got him feeling terrible, or if the low contact lately has been and I'm not sure if I tell him how I feel will help, or if backing off with help or hurt more. Which are you more fearful of? Backing away, and the prospect of a dwindling affair or actually speaking your thoughts aloud to him and facing the risk of what might be the truth? You are in a tenuous situation, and frankly, its very close to home isn't it? Not surprisingly, it is causing you some anxiety. It is likely that the same can be said of your affair partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Which are you more fearful of? Backing away, and the prospect of a dwindling affair or actually speaking your thoughts aloud to him and facing the risk of what might be the truth? You are in a tenuous situation, and frankly, its very close to home isn't it? Not surprisingly, it is causing you some anxiety. It is likely that the same can be said of your affair partner. I'm much more fearful of telling him exactly how I feel, which is insane because I know he must know his strongly I feel, but maybe he doesn't. I just feel like if we start expressing loving feelings out loud everything will get really weird and awkward. I just want to do the right thing for this situation and I'm worried I'll screw things up more than they already are. I know he loves me, but I know he loves his wife too or at least his family, and wants to stay married. Unless his mind has changed on that in the last few months.. So I don't want to complicate things more for him and don't want to be the cause of stress. I want to be a comfort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 The best way to describe what he's doing, is shutting out all other friends but me and my family. He was close to my husband for a while but isn't anymore. He has stopped initiating outings with me and our friends but is quick to say yes anytime I invite him to anything, still talks to me but doesn't divulge his stresses and feelings like he used to, and I've never asked or questioned before, it was always just offered.. and says he's fine but he seems down. And his wife thinks he's pulling away from her and has said so more than once to me and to other people. My natural reaction to this at first was to think he needed space from me, so I pulled away a bit and he seemed hurt by that, so when I tried to give extra attention he seemed to not understand why I was doing that and said he was fine. I'm such an over thinker. I maybe just need to breathe more often. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 26, 2014 Share Posted January 26, 2014 Perhaps he's stressed/overwhelmed with everything going on so he's clamming up a bit? This is what I think, except he's denying it to you (and maybe to himself too). Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 26, 2014 Share Posted January 26, 2014 This is a natural result of an A, especially for someone who is authentic. Those who relate on more of a superficial level may not do this as much. This is the most profound thing I've read in a while... Link to post Share on other sites
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