Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am going to just give one example but I can think of a handful more off the top of my head. Married men looking to date do not have the same type of dating pool that single men have. They have a liability that many women just can't overlook. But they do have something that a lot of single men don't, and that is the ability to quickly be committed to another woman. They can jump right in with the ILY's etc. because they don't have to follow through. At the end, they get to say to the other woman, well you knew I was married. When single men start with the I love you, and want to be with you, want to marry you, have babies with you, etc. it almost always comes with an expectation from the woman they are saying these things to. Great you want to marry me, where is the ring. They actually expect the guy to follow through and if he doesn't then he is probably gone. Sure married men can even give their OW a ring and some do, but they CAN'T follow through because they are already married. Plus they have all these built in excuses that even the OW will make for them. I'm sure you've read about them: kids, finances, family, pets, holidays, don't want to be the bad guy, etc. Almost all the MM/OW relationships you will read on here have the affair partners in constant communication. I mean day and night, sometimes hourly. How many single guys do this with their girlfriends after a year of dating? How many married people are in constant communication with their spouse day and night? If you want to think about another dynamic, married men often choose vulnerable women. Women who just had a breakup/divorce, would suffering from low self-esteem, women who are hurting, women who when feeling good about themselves and their life would normally laugh their asses off when hearing about poor, poor MM's sad life and his mean, unloving wife. I had my moment with my ex gf, then gf, now ex gf, this weekend. I finally threw everything out, or tore it up, that was "her" in my house Sunday night, and I felt anger I have not felt in a looong time. I put her stuff in a bag and left it inside the front foor. I took 24 hours to calm down, then asked if I could talk to her last night, she agreed. I was hoping to hear something to change my mind; but, I heard the same stuff, the same irresponsbile answers, and she was short and nasty with me. So, I'm done. I hope you feel better about this soon! Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He's made himself into the model of what I find attractive. He's very affectionate, attentive, sweet, loving, intelligent, but I feel like it's just a very carefully planned manipulation. If it were true, and he were single, I'd like to date someone like him. But 'normal' guys don't start saying the L word less than two months into a relationship. Yup that's the laws of seduction. Very carefully planned manipulation. You only see him on his best behavior when he wants to be with you. Just focus on the bad. Liar, jealous, possessive. Even the devil can be charming. Dump him today. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am the type that can't truly take action unless I am ANGRY. And I am waiting to get angry. Which might be silly. You can be whatever "type" you want to be. You've said that he drains your positive energy. You feel guilty about the wife, and scared of the upcoming D-Day. This relationship is changing you, and not in a good way. THAT is enough to say goodbye. You don't have to get angry. Actually, making the choice to end it calmly and without anger is very mature. His actions speak loudly. If he really thought you were his "soulmate", he'd be moving heaven and earth to be with you, not skirting calls from his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 I may have reached my breaking point. It wasn't anything that made me angry at him. It was last night, when I suddenly realized I'd "sinned" - I'd coveted another woman's husband, and I'm an adulterer. I am not a hardcore Christian, but I fear for my soul and the karmic balance in the universe. I have to end this and redeem myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I am going to just give one example but I can think of a handful more off the top of my head. Married men looking to date do not have the same type of dating pool that single men have. They have a liability that many women just can't overlook. But they do have something that a lot of single men don't, and that is the ability to quickly be committed to another woman. They can jump right in with the ILY's etc. because they don't have to follow through. At the end, they get to say to the other woman, well you knew I was married. When single men start with the I love you, and want to be with you, want to marry you, have babies with you, etc. it almost always comes with an expectation from the woman they are saying these things to. Great you want to marry me, where is the ring. They actually expect the guy to follow through and if he doesn't then he is probably gone. Sure married men can even give their OW a ring and some do, but they CAN'T follow through because they are already married. Plus they have all these built in excuses that even the OW will make for them. I'm sure you've read about them: kids, finances, family, pets, holidays, don't want to be the bad guy, etc. Almost all the MM/OW relationships you will read on here have the affair partners in constant communication. I mean day and night, sometimes hourly. How many single guys do this with their girlfriends after a year of dating? How many married people are in constant communication with their spouse day and night? If you want to think about another dynamic, married men often choose vulnerable women. Women who just had a breakup/divorce, would suffering from low self-esteem, women who are hurting, women who when feeling good about themselves and their life would normally laugh their asses off when hearing about poor, poor MM's sad life and his mean, unloving wife. OP and awkward, thank you for that. 40+ years on this earth, 25+ dating or married and half a year in an A ... and I never understood that until this post. I never understood why my xMOM jumped right in with ILYs. I didn't. We were both M with no plans to be otherwise. So, not to t/j, but awkward, I'm curious about you other observation. As you note and so many others have written, most APs enjoy an inordinate amount of texting. Why is THAT? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 My MM texts me night and day, too. I see it as more of a way of keeping tabs o my whereabouts than genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I am going to just give one example but I can think of a handful more off the top of my head. Married men looking to date do not have the same type of dating pool that single men have. They have a liability that many women just can't overlook. But they do have something that a lot of single men don't, and that is the ability to quickly be committed to another woman. They can jump right in with the ILY's etc. because they don't have to follow through. At the end, they get to say to the other woman, well you knew I was married. When single men start with the I love you, and want to be with you, want to marry you, have babies with you, etc. it almost always comes with an expectation from the woman they are saying these things to. Great you want to marry me, where is the ring. They actually expect the guy to follow through and if he doesn't then he is probably gone. Sure married men can even give their OW a ring and some do, but they CAN'T follow through because they are already married. Plus they have all these built in excuses that even the OW will make for them. I'm sure you've read about them: kids, finances, family, pets, holidays, don't want to be the bad guy, etc. Almost all the MM/OW relationships you will read on here have the affair partners in constant communication. I mean day and night, sometimes hourly. How many single guys do this with their girlfriends after a year of dating? How many married people are in constant communication with their spouse day and night? My H and I were in constant communication with each other for 18 years as were my single bfs (though not for 18 years! lol) and I. The ones who didn't stay in constant communication with me didn't get to first, second or third base with me as it's something I have to have with my man in any R. If you want to think about another dynamic, married men often choose vulnerable women. Women who just had a breakup/divorce, would suffering from low self-esteem, women who are hurting, women who when feeling good about themselves and their life would normally laugh their asses off when hearing about poor, poor MM's sad life and his mean, unloving wife. It's been my experience that single men also jump in with ILYs within the first couple of months. My single bfs have behaved similarly to my MM. Except, of course, that MM is not available to be with me as much as single bfs have been. But, all in all, they have behaved the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 So, not to t/j, but awkward, I'm curious about you other observation. As you note and so many others have written, most APs enjoy an inordinate amount of texting. Why is THAT? Not trying to t/j, either, but my MM has never sent me a text. And he does know how to text. I don't text him, either, but prob would send a limited amount if he texted me. Didn't text bfs, either, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Every single bf I've had has been reticent to say ILY. Even after I say it first. Then we break up and six months later they confess they did love me and didn't think they were worthy. Again, though, I think this all circles back to my love addiction and how I attract unavailable or love avoidant men. Being actually intimate and available is terrifying to them. And I am very needy. So they only "love" me until I've flown the coop. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 (edited) Every single bf I've had has been reticent to say ILY. Even after I say it first. Then we break up and six months later they confess they did love me and didn't think they were worthy. Again, though, I think this all circles back to my love addiction and how I attract unavailable or love avoidant men. Being actually intimate and available is terrifying to them. And I am very needy. So they only "love" me until I've flown the coop. I do think you're on to something here. We may tend to get involved with the same types, maybe because of our own behavior. I pretty much don't get attracted to men who aren't pursuing me heavily for some reason. So, possibly these are the men who would say ILY first and also try to keep in contact more often. (if a guy is "meh" about me I'm even more "meh" about him, not being gamey, just don't get interested) Edited January 25, 2014 by Speakingofwhich clarity Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 Hey guys, thought I'd give an update. I initiated NC a month ago, but kept intermittently slipping up for about two weeks. I am now on two weeks of NC, with no slip ups - no emails, texts, FB, NOTHING... he hasn't attempted to contact me, which is really allowing the 'affair fog' to lift, and I feel like I have my LIFE back. NC really is the way to go. I catch myself missing him at times, but mostly... and this is shallow... his body. I don't miss the mindf$*ks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lynn1954 Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Hey, proseandpassion, I gotta answer you with my best Pittsburgh-ese: he's a jagoff and you're better off without him 'n'at. Good for you, glad that you could redd up your life with successful NC. The rest of yinz might not understand what I said, but she will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Hey guys, thought I'd give an update. I initiated NC a month ago, but kept intermittently slipping up for about two weeks. I am now on two weeks of NC, with no slip ups - no emails, texts, FB, NOTHING... he hasn't attempted to contact me, which is really allowing the 'affair fog' to lift, and I feel like I have my LIFE back. NC really is the way to go. I catch myself missing him at times, but mostly... and this is shallow... his body. I don't miss the mindf$*ks. This is a nice update to read. Stay strong and enjoy the peace in your life. Question if it's okay? Have you blocked him from your email, phone and facebook? Or would you be able to 'ignore' any contact that may happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 This is a nice update to read. Stay strong and enjoy the peace in your life. Question if it's okay? Have you blocked him from your email, phone and facebook? Or would you be able to 'ignore' any contact that may happen. He's blocked. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 You know, you can find a single guy that will treat you like a goddess too. Be good to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I think you know this man is no good for you in anyway that is right and wholesome. There is no future with him. Stay strong. No contact all the way. Best wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Prose... forgive me, but what does it mean to be a "love addict", or "addicted to love", and who provided you with this diagnosis? I'm just curious as to what this means in terms of behavior in general? You mention that he treats you like a goddess, but then go on to say his behavior borders on being abusive. He's jealous, untrustworthy... he lies and has somehow conformed himself into being exactly the kind of guy you would "otherwise" want. There is an enormous amount of contradiction here, and these are the words YOU chose to describe this man. Add to this that this man is married, and it begs the question... why would you need to "hit a breaking point" in order to end this??? A better question might be... What is the benefit to YOU in spending ANY amount of time with this joker? There are exactly zero viable answers to this question. This man brings nothing to the table that improves or enhances your life beyond saying whatever is necessary, whenever it's necessary, to make you available to him. I trust that your not a sixteen year old girl, which means you have the maturity to know the difference between those that have your best interest at heart and those that ultimately don't care about your heart. A warm bath and a good book can offer you 10 times what this guy has to offer. As for worrying about his wife and the pain a D-day might cause her; I have to ask you this... How is it that you're able to ponder a higher level of concern and consideration for a woman you've never met than you're willing to give yourself. Walk away from this guy, plain and simple. Don't waste another day wondering about a "breaking point"... just let go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 Prose... forgive me, but what does it mean to be a "love addict", or "addicted to love", and who provided you with this diagnosis? I'm just curious as to what this means in terms of behavior in general? You mention that he treats you like a goddess, but then go on to say his behavior borders on being abusive. He's jealous, untrustworthy... he lies and has somehow conformed himself into being exactly the kind of guy you would "otherwise" want. There is an enormous amount of contradiction here, and these are the words YOU chose to describe this man. Add to this that this man is married, and it begs the question... why would you need to "hit a breaking point" in order to end this??? A better question might be... What is the benefit to YOU in spending ANY amount of time with this joker? There are exactly zero viable answers to this question. This man brings nothing to the table that improves or enhances your life beyond saying whatever is necessary, whenever it's necessary, to make you available to him. I trust that your not a sixteen year old girl, which means you have the maturity to know the difference between those that have your best interest at heart and those that ultimately don't care about your heart. A warm bath and a good book can offer you 10 times what this guy has to offer. As for worrying about his wife and the pain a D-day might cause her; I have to ask you this... How is it that you're able to ponder a higher level of concern and consideration for a woman you've never met than you're willing to give yourself. Walk away from this guy, plain and simple. Don't waste another day wondering about a "breaking point"... just let go. Thank you for the message. I never reached the breaking point, I would say. I could see how my entire thread seems contradictory because on one hand I said he treated me like a goddess, but it was all about manipulation and control. He very much wanted me in the palm of his hand. None of it rang as true or authentic to me. I don't plan on ever speaking to him again, and it's now been two weeks of strict NC. So thank you for encouraging me to stay strong and remain NC! Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Prose... please accept my apology for not realizing that you are in NC already. I think I missed looking at the dates of the posts and skipped right over the context of your great news. Good for you! As you said, you did it without even "needing a breaking point", so that makes the news even better! I'm excited for you, Prose... really happy and excited for you! The smallest step in the right direction can lead you anywhere you want to go!! You GO girl! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 Prose... please accept my apology for not realizing that you are in NC already. I think I missed looking at the dates of the posts and skipped right over the context of your great news. Good for you! As you said, you did it without even "needing a breaking point", so that makes the news even better! I'm excited for you, Prose... really happy and excited for you! The smallest step in the right direction can lead you anywhere you want to go!! You GO girl! No problem, I figured that was the case I do catch myself missing him, though. Yesterday was rough. I just have to keep remembering that what I miss never existed, though. What I loved was a projection and a fantasy. Every day the details about him slip away... how fast this is happening really illustrates how much this wasn't a part of my real life, that it was a fantasy and a distraction. I am in IC now, too, and that is helping immensely. Thank you for the words of encouragement Link to post Share on other sites
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